More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (20 page)

If we want our lovers to be honest with us, we have to make it safe for them to be honest. We need to accept what we hear without anger, recriminations or blame, even when we're surprised or we hear something we really don't want to. We must be willing to take a deep breath, switch gears and say, "Thank you for sharing that with me."

HANDLING MISTAKES

Things will go wrong. You and your partners will make mistakes. People will get hurt. To paraphrase Voltaire, we are all born of frailty and error. What happens afterward depends on how capable we are to forgive one another for our errors, handle the consequences with grace and dignity, and learn from our mistakes.

Mistakes happen because someone is trying to solve a problem or meet a need. It's easy, in the emotional aftermath, to see the mistake as a consequence of selfishness or some other moral failing. But recovery from a mistake depends on being able to see our partners as human beings doing their best to solve a problem rather than as caricatures or monsters. Compassion, like communication, is one of those things that's most valuable when it's most difficult.

This kind of compassion is also needed when you're the one who makes a mistake. Sometimes it's easier to treat others with gentleness or compassion than it is to do the same for ourselves; we recognize the fallibility of those around us more readily than our own. You will make mistakes. It's the cost of being human. When you do, look to them as opportunities to learn, and remember that compassion begins at home.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Strategies for better communication include, for starters, active listening, direct communication and nonviolent communication. As you practice these skills on a daily basis in your relationships, here are some questions to keep you on track:

• How directly do I ask for what I want and need?
  
• What can I do to be more direct in my communication?
  
• If I hear a hidden meaning in a statement or question, do I ask for clarification before acting on my assumptions?
  
• Do I perceive criticism in my partner's statements even if they aren't directly critical?
  
• What do I do to check in with my partners?
  
• How well do I listen to my partners?
  
• What do I do to make sure it's safe for my partners to communicate with me, and to let them know it's safe?
  
• Does my communication show that I take responsibility for my actions and emotions?
  

8

TAMING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER

The worst thing about jealousy is how low it makes you reach.

ERICA
JONG

So you're finally in a polyamorous relationship. You're involved with someone who has another partner. There you are, cruising along, and
wham!
You see something, or hear something, or think about something, and now you're in the thick of it. Jealousy. It happens, sometimes when we least expect it. When it does, we can feel like we want to set fire to the world before running into a dark cave screaming "I will never let anyone get close to me ever again!" (Or maybe that's just us.)

We give such talismanic power to jealousy that the fear of it alone can shape our relationships. We've never heard anyone say "Polyamory? I wouldn't want to do that. What if I feel angry?" or "What if I feel sad?" But many people say "Polyamory? What if I feel jealous?" The fact is, at some point you will. Few people are born immune to jealousy. The good news is, jealousy is just an emotion like any other emotion. Sometimes you feel sad, sometimes you feel angry, but you don't let those feelings define you. They don't run your life. Jealousy doesn't need to either.

WHAT IS JEALOUSY?

Jealousy is the feeling we get when we drag tomorrow's rain cloud over today's sunshine. It's the feeling that we are about to lose something important to us, including maybe our self-worth, to someone else. It's the fear that we aren't good enough, that the people around us don't really love us, that everything is about to turn to ash. It comes like a thief in the night, stealing our joy. Jealousy is a sneaky thing. It sits behind us whispering that we are the victim, not the villain: that the people around us are wronging us, and we must act to protect ourselves. And perhaps most destructively, it tells us not to talk openly about the way we're feeling. It thrives on secrecy and silence. At its most toxic, it makes us angry at others and ashamed of ourselves at the same time.

Jealousy wears many faces because, unlike surprise or fear or anger, it is built of many emotions. Insecurity, fear of loss, territoriality, inadequacy, poor self-esteem, fear of abandonment…all these can pile onto one another to make what we think of as jealousy.

Is jealousy an intrinsic part of human nature? Some folks say yes, some no. We say it doesn't matter. We feel what we feel, but there is a difference between jealous feelings and jealous
actions
. Regardless of the origin of jealous feelings, the actions we take are within our control.

Jealous feelings come from a sense of loss, or a fear of it. Jealous actions are usually attempts to take back control over the things we're afraid of. For example, if you feel jealous when your partner has sex with her new partner in the Monkey with Lotus Blossom and Chainsaw position, you might be afraid that you're losing something special: "That's our position! What if this new person handles the chainsaw better than I do? What does she need me for, now that she's found someone else to do this with?"

The jealous
action
might be to say, "I don't want you to have sex with anyone but me in this position," which is an attempt to deal with the fear by taking back control. "If she stops doing this, I won't feel replaced anymore!" At least until the next threatening thing comes along.

These kinds of actions don't create safety or security. Rather, safety and security come from knowing that your partner loves, trusts and values you. Putting controls on your partner's behavior doesn't tell you how she loves, trusts and values you. It does exactly the opposite—restrictions undermine intimacy by telling your partner that you don't trust
her:
you don't believe her affection is genuine.

THE CHAMELEON EMOTION

Sometimes jealousy can be a relatively simple emotion, easy to detect and recognize. This is especially true when it happens in response to clear triggers, like watching a partner kiss another partner. The first time Eve saw Peter holding hands with Clio, the lurching feeling of the ground dropping out from beneath her feet was an unmistakable sign of jealousy. It was impossible to interpret as anything else, and the stimulus responsible for it was clear. That made the feeling, as scary as it was, relatively straightforward to confront.

But one of the things that can make jealousy such a challenge is that it's a shape-shifter: jealousy masquerades as other emotions. Before you can fight it, you need to see it for what it is. Some of the emotions that can have jealousy at their root are fear, loneliness, loss, sadness, anger, betrayal, envy and humiliation. If you are feeling these in connection to one of your partners or metamours and there's no obvious reason, or if the emotion is much stronger than the situation would seem to warrant, ask yourself if it might be jealousy.

On the other hand, those same emotions can arise in response to a genuinely hurtful external situation. In those cases it can be too easy to blame jealousy and duck the real issues. It's reasonable to ask yourself, "Am I really having these emotions just because I'm feeling jealous?" Take heed if someone frequently minimizes your emotions as "just jealousy." Do you feel you are being listened to? Are you being offered genuine insight about yourself by someone who knows and cares about you? Or are you being belittled and dismissed?

Jealousy can be a valuable signal that we have some soul-searching to do. Managing jealousy means having enough insight to tell it apart from its imposter emotions (and vice versa) as well as from external problems that may be developing. Distinguishing it from its look-alikes means
knowing yourself
.

TRIGGERS FOR JEALOUSY

Sometimes jealousy is triggered by public behavior we often associate with "couplehood": holding hands in public, sending flowers to a partner's workplace, meeting a partner's parents. Peter felt jealous when Eve started wearing a gold necklace Ray had given her, and Eve felt jealous when Clio posted a picture on Facebook of a necklace Peter had made for her. As we discuss in chapter 18, on mono/poly relationships, Celeste felt jealous when Franklin's partner Bella wanted to have portraits taken with him, as did Mila when her metamour Nina posted family portraits to Facebook that included their partner Morgan.

These triggers usually happen when we fear losing the social status that comes from being part of a couple. In polyamorous relationships, such a loss is probably inevitable: poly relationships by definition include more than a couple. These triggers can often be avoided by using the strategies we talk about in the mono/poly chapter, such as including everyone in a family portrait. It also helps to demonstrate that you are not a victim or a pawn, but a full participant in the poly relationship. For example, if you're feeling jealous about your partner's new sweetie meeting his parents, scheduling the meeting when you can also be there will show his parents that it's not happening behind your back.

As mentioned, a common trigger for jealousy is seeing your partner being physically affectionate or flirty with someone else. This can bring up fears of being replaced or activate the "Why am I not enough?" script. It can also lead to destructive comparison with your partner's other partner: "Is she sexier than I am? Prettier? Smarter? Better?"

Physical evidence of intimacy between your partner and another lover, like a condom wrapper in the trash or extra slippers at the foot of the bed, can trigger jealous feelings. So can seeing your partner do something for the first time with a new lover—the "sushi effect" mentioned in chapter 5. Sometimes all it takes to deal with these triggers is to recognize the feelings for what they are and say, "I am feeling jealous because it seems like I'm learning to understand I'm not your only partner. Please bear with me while I work through this." Sometimes handling these triggers is more complicated, and we talk about more strategies in a bit.

LISTENING TO JEALOUSY

People often think of jealousy as evil. It can certainly make people do evil things, but by itself, jealousy is morally neutral. Like all emotions, it is the way the ancient, reptilian parts of our brains—parts that don't have language—try to communicate with us.

The problem is that as communicators go, jealousy is pretty inarticulate. It might be pointing to a significant problem in a relationship. Or it might just be our inner wordless three-year-old stomping its foot and saying "I'm not getting everything I want!" It might also be a symptom of a weak spot within us—some insecurity or self-doubt we're trying to protect. We have to decode the message if we are to decide what to do about it.

We can be tempted to approach jealousy by blaming whatever triggered it. "It's so simple! Just stop holding hands with your other partner!" We can also mistake it for other things, like territoriality or possessiveness or something else entirely. (And sometimes that's what it is; we'll get to that in a bit.)

FRANKLIN'S STORY
Ruby was smart, beautiful, strong, outgoing, opinionated—just the sort of person I find irresistible—and one of my first partners during my relationship with Celeste.

I was just out of school, and up to that point, I'd never experienced jealousy. I'd had partners who had other partners, and I'd never had even a twinge of bad feeling about it. I naively (and somewhat arrogantly) believed I was immune to jealousy—that it was something other people experienced, but not me.

I was utterly smitten with Ruby. Our relationship was emotional wildfire. Unfortunately, the terms of my agreement with Celeste didn't really permit a close, bonded relationship—which is exactly the kind of relationship Ruby and I were emotionally drawn into. We both chafed under the restrictions: no overnight stays, no public affection, a strict ceiling on how far the relationship would ever be allowed to grow. We both understood at some level that our relationship would never be permitted to become what we both needed it to be.

Before long, Ruby started another relationship with a close friend of mine, Newton. He was an excellent choice as a partner for her: quick-witted, laid-back, good-natured. His relationship with Ruby had no ceiling and no restrictions. Instinctively I knew that Newton could offer Ruby more than I could, and I was terrified that he would replace me in Ruby's heart.

The jealousy happened so fast and hit me so hard that I couldn't even recognize it for what it was. All I knew was that when I saw them together, I felt scared and angry. I assumed that because I felt this way, she must be doing something wrong, though it was difficult to figure out exactly what. I remember going to sleep replaying all my interactions with her in my head, looking for that thing she was doing to hurt me so much.

Because I was starting from the premise that she was doing something wrong—why else would I be feeling so bad?—I lashed out at her, accusing her of all kinds of wrongdoing, most of which existed only in my head. The tiniest, most trivial things she said or did that I didn't agree with were magnified to epic proportions. Before long, unsurprisingly, I had destroyed my relationship with Ruby, and not long after that, my friendship with her (and with Newton) as well. Not until more than a year later did I finally put together what had happened.

By the time I realized I was jealous, and that I had allowed my jealousy to poison our relationship, it was too late. I had done so much damage that neither Ruby nor Newton ever spoke to me again. I lost a partner and two friends.