More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (17 page)

Try not to be drawn into the role of rescuer when someone comes to you complaining about that terrible thing so-and-so just did. Reserve judgment of other people in your relationship network, and encourage the parties at odds to talk directly to each other rather than through you, without allowing yourself to become a go-between.

If you do find yourself stuck in a pattern of triangular communication, it may be useful to pick up Harriet Lerner's
Dance of Intimacy
, listed in the resources. To see how triangular communication can go spectacularly wrong, we recommend reading
Othello
, by Shakespeare.

WHEN WE DON'T WANT TO COMMUNICATE

Everything we've talked about so far assumes that the people involved are trying to communicate with each other. We all grasp the value of communication intellectually, but turning that understanding into reality can be really hard, because often, we don't actually
want
to communicate.

Communication is scary. We fear open communication when we fear the vulnerability that comes with it. Open communication means exposing yourself to rejection or judgment or trouble. It may mean finding out that what you assumed your lover thinks and feels is wrong. It presents the possibility of hearing no to your deepest wishes, and it may mean having your needs or desires turned against you if the relationship is unhealthy. There is no communication—at least not meaningful communication—without vulnerability.

Communication can be hard when it leads to embarrassment or shame. If you were brought up to believe that there are certain things (like sex) that you just don't talk about, shame can interfere with communication…and you might end up wondering, "Why is my sex life so unsatisfying?" and being afraid to hear the answer.

Another barrier to communication is the notion that there are certain ways people in a relationship "should" be, so there's no need to talk about it. "If he really loves me, of course he will know to do thus-and-such. Why won't he do thus-and-such? Everyone knows this is part of a relationship! It must mean he doesn't love me!" Yet another of these emotional barriers is the common trap of thinking in generalities and allowing them to take precedence over the specific details of the people in the relationship. As one possible example: "Everyone knows that men love getting head. So that means I don't need to ask him how he feels about oral sex, because men love getting head. If he tells me he doesn't want me to go down on him, that must mean I'm doing it wrong and I'm bad at it."

If a relationship involves some element of consensual domination and submission, people can fail to communicate because they believe submissives should simply accept whatever the dominant partner wants. Or they may believe submissives shouldn't have a say in their relationship, because submissives like to do whatever they are told and never, ever voice their own needs. Some people take this to such an extreme that they even believe submissive partners in dominant/submissive relationships shouldn't
have
needs of their own.

Almost always, communication tends to be most difficult precisely when it's most important. As the relationship coach Marcia Baczynski has put it, "If you're afraid to say it, that means you need to say it." When we are feeling most raw, most vulnerable, most scared of opening up, those are the times we most need to open up. We can't expect others to respect our boundaries and limits if we don't talk about them or, worse, pretend they don't exist. It's a bit of a paradox that even as open communication makes us feel vulnerable and exposed, it's essential if we are to protect our boundaries from being violated. We can't expect others to respect our boundaries if we pretend they don't exist.

We've been asked whether talking about everything takes some of the mystery out of a relationship. We find that question surprising. We are all, every one of us, complicated and dynamic and always changing, and relationship dynamics are filled with mystery as it is. There's no need to invent more! There is easily enough mystery between two people to fill many lifetimes, even when they're both paying very close attention and are as honest and transparent with one another as it is possible to be.

Relationships based on honesty and transparency, in which the people really pay attention to each other and work to see and understand each other, are more subtle and profoundly complex than relationships that avoid this kind of honesty and knowledge. The more you get to know a person, the more you find that there is to know. And we are all moving targets; we change every day. There will always be new things to learn, no matter how much we communicate.

COERCIVE COMMUNICATION

Coercion doesn't always involve physical violence or direct threats. It's actually quite easy for relationships to become coercive when the stakes are high—and when we are deeply attached or committed to another person, they are high. Coercion happens any time you make the consequences of saying no so great that you've removed reasonable choice.

A subtle sort of coercion arises any time you believe that your partner owes you something. For example, if you think your partner owes you intimacy, and you are just "expressing your feelings" about what you're owed, there's a good chance you're being coercive. If your partner says no, and you start preparing for a fight instead of accepting their choice, you're probably being coercive.

If your partner sets a boundary or says no to a request, she probably has a good reason. That reason might not even be about you. It's important to respect a no even when you don't understand it. Show appreciation for your partner's self-advocacy and self-knowledge, be grateful for the intimacy she
has
shown you, and make it clear that you respect her autonomy and ability to make choices—even if you don't understand what's happening or why.

We're talking about boundaries your partner sets on herself, which as we discuss in chapters 9 and 10, are quite different from rules she places on you. It is always appropriate to negotiate things another person places on you, though it sometimes takes careful attention to recognize the difference.

It's also possible that in setting boundaries a partner is being manipulative, using boundary-setting as a way to coerce you. Withdrawal and silence, classic techniques of emotional blackmail, can initially be difficult to distinguish from healthy boundary-setting. A person could be withdrawing just to punish you. But that doesn't change what you should do. The solution is never to try to force someone to do something they don't want to do. Thank them, and respect their choice. If you can't respect their choice, it's time to examine your own boundaries.

If you're hurting because of a boundary your partner has set, knowing how to practice
active listening
can be especially useful. Active listening involves asking genuine, open-ended, non-leading questions, then listening quietly to the answer, and then repeating back what you heard so it's clear that you heard it correctly, as we discuss in the next chapter. It is especially critical in these moments to be careful not to twist your questions into accusations or statements of intent. "Why would you want to hurt me this way?" is a manipulative, coercive statement, not an attempt at genuine communication.

Even without disproportionate power, people manipulate one another in relationships in many subtle ways. People might seek agreement by shifting blame, appealing to a sense of fairness, or implying that the other person is negotiating in bad faith. Statements like "Why do you have to have sex with someone else when you know how much that hurts me?" are a common tactic that shifts responsibility for one person's emotional state onto another person.

Appealing to social norms is another way to try to coerce "agreement." This tends to be more common in mono/poly relationships or with couples who are opening up than in relationships that are poly from the beginning. It includes statements like "Why can't you just agree to normal relationships like other people?" (Eve's former partner Ray once said he could not accompany Eve and Peter on a vacation because he wouldn't be able to explain to their parents and social circle why he was going somewhere without his wife.)

Still another technique for manipulating agreement involves preying on fear of abandonment. Statements like "What would you do without me?" or "I don't know why I even stay here and let you do this to me" can be attempts to use emotional blackmail to compel agreement.

Now that we've covered the ways communication in poly relationships can go wrong, what strategies can you use to help it go
well
? That's the subject of the next chapter.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Communication in relationships, and polyamorous relationships in particular, can be like a proverbial minefield. As you attempt to negotiate this potentially dangerous territory, here are some questions to guide you:

• Do I use words the same way my partners do? Do I often find myself in discussions about the meanings of words?
  
• If I have a problem with someone's behavior, do I discuss the problem with that person?
  
• If my partners have a problem with someone else's behavior, do I encourage them to bring it up with that person?
  
• Do I communicate passively or directly?
  
• Do I look for hidden meanings in other people's words? Do I bury my real meaning?
  
• Do I communicate authentically in ways that make me vulnerable?
  
• In what ways do I actively listen to my partners?
  

7

COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.

SIMONE
WEIL

The best measure of the health of any relationship is the quality of the communication in it. Every single thing that we can't or won't talk about, openly and without fear or shame, is a crack in the relationship's foundation.

Therefore, strategies for successful communication are some of the most important tools in your relationship toolkit. Polyamory challenges us to communicate to a degree that other relationship models don't. In monogamous couples, for instance, if we're attracted to a third person, we're usually expected to pretend we're not. In poly relationships, communicating what we're feeling, even at the risk of making our partners uncomfortable, is the only way to build multiple sustainable relationships. Polyamory doesn't give us the luxury of avoiding tough, uncomfortable subjects.

A COMMUNICATION TOOLBOX

Before we look at some helpful communication strategies, there's something we have to say: You are, almost certainly, a lousy communicator. How can we say that when we don't know you? Because 99 percent of the population—ourselves included—are lousy communicators. Most of us are exceptionally good at misunderstanding each other, misreading each other's tone and intent, and failing to get our point across. But usually we don't realize it. Usually we think we've communicated just fine, and it's the other person who has a problem. Passive and passive-aggressive communicators tend to believe they are direct communicators. And all of us, being humans, are exceptionally good at storytelling: making up tales to explain things we don't understand without even realizing it.

Learning good communication skills is something we can't possibly cover thoroughly in this book. We'll cover only those communication issues most directly applicable to polyamory. We recommend, though, that you make a commitment to improving your communication skills on an ongoing basis if you're serious about success in polyamorous relationships, long after you finish this book.

Certain communication techniques should be in everyone's toolbox for any relationship. Each of the ones we'll discuss has many books dedicated to it, so we'll just briefly touch on them. You'll find great resources for developing these skills at the end of this book. Three of these essential communication tools are
active listening, direct communication
and
nonviolent communication.

Active listening.
When people think about communication, often their focus is on getting across what they want to say. But communication breaks down just as often—if not more often—in the listening as in the speaking. Active listening is a great technique not just for effective communication, but for connecting with your partner: making sure they
feel
heard. Active listening is often taught in conflict resolution courses and couples counseling.

As tough as it can be to practice, the mechanics of active listening are pretty simple. You listen intently to what the other person is saying, rather than using that time to think about the next thing
you
want to say. Then you repeat back to the other person what they have just said to you—in your own words, so that they know you understood. Then you trade roles. Because a need to be heard and understood is at the root of many interpersonal conflicts, active listening can go a long way toward defusing intense situations, even when a solution is not yet apparent.

Direct communication.
This technique entails two things: being direct in what you say—without subtext, hidden meaning, coded language or tacit expectations—and assuming directness in what you hear, without looking for hidden meaning or buried messages.

Good communication is not a treasure hunt or a game of Where's Waldo's Meaning? Being direct in your speech means saying plainly what you think and asking plainly for what you need. It requires identifying what you want, then clearly and simply asking for it—not dropping hints or talking around the need. You assume that your partner will take your words at face value, without searching for hidden intent. You convey your meaning in the words you use, not in side channels such as posture, tone or body language. And you are willing to speak directly even when it might be uncomfortable.

In the previous chapter's story about passing the sweeper, communication started going wrong because Franklin and Celeste were using words differently, but that wasn't all that happened. When the first layer of communication failed, that created a situation where Celeste made assumptions about Franklin's motivations (that he didn't want to help with the housework). That made her upset, and communication ran further off the rails.