More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (7 page)

RIGHT AND WRONG POLY?

One of the things you'll hear a lot from poly people is that "there's no one right way to do poly." This is true. There are many ways to "do poly" (live polyamorously) that give you a decent chance of having joyful, fulfilling, meaningful relationships with low conflict. But when people say "There's no one right way," it sometimes seems they mean there are no bad ways to do poly. We disagree. There are plenty of choices likely to lead you into pain, stress, drama and tears. There are ways to do poly that shift most of the emotional risk that comes with any intimate relationship onto one person. There are ways to do poly that reliably cause suffering.

It seems pretty fair to say that approaches that are likely to cause pain to you and those you love probably aren't very good strategies. We are even comfortable calling such approaches "bad" ways of doing poly—though we are wary of the word "wrong," which tends to make people unnecessarily defensive. After all, we're all ultimately trying to do the best we can. Choosing a flawed strategy doesn't make someone a bad person; the two of us have gone down some of those roads ourselves. We are all struggling to meet the same basic human needs. People make mistakes because they're trying to solve a problem, and many of the less successful approaches to poly tend to promise quick relief—but come with insidious, hidden costs.

All of us have done some very bad things. We've all hurt other people when we thought we were doing the right thing, or at least not a bad thing. We were probably trying to get our own needs met—blinded, perhaps, by those needs. The two of us are no exception: in fact, it is our many mistakes, and what we have learned from them, that qualify us to write this book.

So what does it mean to be ethically polyamorous, given that we're all going to make mistakes, hurt others, be buffeted by our emotions and fall down sometimes? Being ethical means that you're willing to look at your actions and their effects on other people. If you're presented with evidence that you're causing harm, or that what you're doing won't achieve what you and your partner(s) want, you will look for ways to change this. In making decisions, you will consider the well-being of
everyone
involved, not just some. Being ethical also means that you're willing to have the kinds of discussions that would permit an honest analysis of the way you're choosing to do poly, without getting defensive or accusatory.

Because after all, we're all learning. We are pioneers, and unless we're willing to assess the path we're on and whether it's taking us where we want to go, we're likely to end up in some pretty messed-up places.

EVIDENCE-BASED POLYAMORY

We wrote the first draft of this book from a cabin deep in the temperate rain forest of the Pacific Northwest. On a half-hour walk from our front door, we passed a couple dozen varieties of wild mushrooms. Some made delicious additions to our nightly dinners. Others would sicken or kill us. Luckily, we had a book telling us which was which, and what poisonous look-alikes are most easily mixed up with safe and tasty edibles. After identifying a mushroom in the book, we might make a spore print, just to be sure. And then we would take a little piece of the mushroom, sauté it, eat it and wait a few hours, just to be sure neither of us got an upset tummy or started seeing the garden gnomes (oh God, so many garden gnomes!) climbing up the walls. Only then would we cook up a nice big batch into mushroom stew. Obviously, because you're reading this book, this strategy worked for us.

So let's imagine that we, as polyamorous people living in a mononormative society, are intrepid mushroom hunters discovering exotic, tasty treats by venturing into the forest. But here's the thing: we're new to this. Few are doing it; it's not part of our culture. There's no illustrated field guide, no cultural background to help us know what is poisonous, what's tasty, or what might give us the hallucinogenic trip of our lives.

So what do we do? We might look for other people—people already living off the land we're foraging on, say—and ask them what mushrooms they eat and which they avoid. We might watch what happens to others when they eat certain mushrooms. And if we can't find that kind of information—or maybe even if we could—we wouldn't wolf down a batch of some new mushroom all in one go. Probably we'd try a little piece, wait awhile, then try a little more.

And once we've determined that we can eat something with no ill effects, would we have a big dinner party and feed it to everyone else? If a dinner guest or two begins convulsing after consuming our delectable meal, would we shrug, say "Well, it works for me," and continue to feed it to others? No.

What we have just described is the process of collecting data. We like to do this as we explore new ways of relating too. We can observe, as we and others try out new relationship patterns, which choices tend to lead to pain and conflict and which tend to lead to harmony. Eventually, gradually, these patterns become evidence of what actions are most likely to promote the well-being of everyone in a relationship network. These might not be "right" ways to do poly—like there are no "right" foods—we might call them "good" ways.

Call this evidence-based polyamory, if you will.
^*
That's what we're striving to give you in this book. Everything we suggest you do comes from what we have observed to work most often. The things we recommend you avoid are things we have observed, over and over, to cause strife. We're not criticizing the people doing the "bad" things, unless they act with malice, and we're not holding up the people doing the things that work as perfect poly role models that would be a good idea to emulate (though sometimes, maybe, you should). All we're saying is, if you want to choose strategies to help you get where you want to go, these are the ones we've observed to be most successful in the long term.

Polyamory is still new. We are not "experts," because there are no experts. At times, we present questions that don't have answers yet. In joining us in this big experiment, you will be helping to forge a path that others can follow, contributing to the body of knowledge on polyamory that is taking shape. In this book, we lay our own experiences—and, especially, our mistakes—open to view, in hopes that you can learn from them and avoid the same mistakes. We invite you to go out and explore the vast, fertile fields of new, undiscovered mistakes yet to be made! And then, perhaps, to share your experiences through your own blogs or comments on ours (at morethantwo.com), in poly forums and with one another—so we can all keep learning together.

* We use the term evidence cautiously. The formal study of multi-partnered relationships is in its infancy, and genuine scientific evidence is sparse. Where we can back up our claims with peer-reviewed research, we will, but such instances will be rare. We look forward to a day when the state of knowledge has advanced to where it's possible to give genuinely evidence-based advice, but for now it is more accurate to refer to the cases in this book as "anecdote-based poly."

A MORAL COMPASS

Think of this book as a compass, not a map. There is no magic road to poly happiness. That said, as we emphasize over and over, the compass directions we've seen that lead to strong, vibrant, happy relationships are courage, communication, willingness to accept responsibility for your own emotions, respect for the autonomy of others, compassion and empathy.

For each person, the "right" way to do poly is to talk about your needs, fears and insecurities; to talk about the ways your partner can support you; and to honor your commitments—without being controlling or placing rules on other people to protect you from your own emotional triggers. Above all else, trust that you don't have to control your partner, because your partner, given the freedom to do anything, will want to cherish and support you. And always, always move in the direction of greatest courage, toward the best possible version of yourself.

Strong, ethical polyamorous relationships are not a destination, they are a journey. Nurturing such relationships is like walking toward a point on the horizon: you move toward it or away from it with each choice you make, but you never actually arrive. Sometimes you'll make a choice that takes you farther away, but that's okay, because you can always make another choice and start moving again in the direction you want to go.

Before we can talk about things like nurturing healthy relationships and maximizing well-being, we need to make some assumptions about the kinds of relationships you want—what we mean when we use the word
healthy
. We know that poly people are a diverse bunch, and we can't speak to the full range of backgrounds, choices, needs and expectations of our readers. Even so, we think that if we
don't
make the following assumptions, our advice would be pretty much rubbish. We assume that you:

• seek, like most people, to engage in relationships because you value love, connection and belonging
  
• want your partners to engage in a relationship, and specifically a polyamorous relationship, of their own free will
  
• want your partners to feel loved, cared for and secure in their relationships with you, and want to feel loved, cared for and secure in your relationships with them
  
• value honesty in your relationships, which we define as, at minimum, everyone involved with you being aware of the other people you're involved with
  ^**
  
• accept that all long-term relationships will contain some conflict, but do not want conflict, anxiety or pain to be a norm, and certainly not more frequent than joy, connection or comfort
  

** Some polyamorous people engage in a structure called "Don't ask, don't tell," in which the people involved don't talk about their other relationships or even mention they exist. This approach often causes problems (as we discuss in chapters 10, 14 and 18).

Accepting and honoring these assumptions will lead in a natural way to caring, supportive, open relationships. When we talk about "good" ways to do poly, we're talking about strategies that, in our experience, seem most often to lead people toward these kinds of relationships. When we talk about "healthy" relationships, we are talking about relationships that move toward these values more often than they move away from them.

ON THE SUBJECT OF RIGHTS

We've talk about the idea of "right" (as opposed to "wrong"), but what about
rights
? Rights are a cornerstone of many systems of ethics, including ours. In fact, we believe that choices that maximize well-being are not ethical if they infringe on another person's rights. For example, a decision that improves the well-being of a group of people by violating the consent of one—say, telling a woman that she must bear a child that she doesn't want but the rest of her family does—is unethical, because bodily autonomy is a right whose defense supersedes group well-being.

It's common to hear the word "rights" used when the speaker actually means "things I really want." In relationships, a right often means "something I expect" or "something I feel entitled to," such as "I'm the wife, therefore I have a right to end your other relationships if they make me uncomfortable." Or "She and I have children together, so I have the right to decide who she can become involved with."

We have the right to want what we want. We do not, however, have the right to
get
what we want. For rights, a higher bar needs to be set. So what
is
a right? Many people believe in the idea of "natural rights": so-called inalienable rights we are all born with, such as life, liberty, and so on. Often people believe that such rights come from things like human nature or the edicts of a deity. That's one morass we're not going to wade into (at least not in this book). Instead, we will discuss "rights" that are more like legal rights: rights a person has by law or custom. Often, they must be fought for before they are granted—as with all of the "rights" enshrined in modern constitutional democracies, for example.

In proposing rights for relationships, we claim no natural authority for them, and we do not claim them as inalienable. Rather, we propose them as rights we think are essential to uphold if we are to build relationships based on the values we
discussed
. Such rights underpin ethical relationships. We suggest that these rights should be taken as a given for ethical polyamorous relationships; that individuals should embrace and defend them for themselves; and that polyamorous communities should uphold them.

The rights we talk about here derive from two axioms, which together are a lens through which any relationship choice should be viewed. These principles are:

• The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship.
  
• Don't treat people as things.
  

These are simple, but not necessarily easy. We will be returning to them often.

Axiom 1, of course, does not mean that relationships aren't important. And it doesn't mean that you should never make personal sacrifices for the benefit of a relationship. But while it is often necessary to make sacrifices of time, short-term gratification or non-essential desires for the long-term benefit of a relationship (or a partner), it is never desirable to sacrifice your
self
for a relationship. We discuss this further in chapters 4 and 5. And while individual wishes do sometimes need to be subsumed to collective well-being, it's important to remember that relationships exist
to serve the people in them
. If a relationship stops serving the people in it, it's not doing its job. It may not even have a reason to exist anymore. Thus, axiom 1 is, like axiom 2,
always
true (that's why it's an axiom). Even though the people and the relationship need to serve each other, the people are always more important. Always.

In practice, these axioms mean that relationships are consensual, and people are not need-fulfillment machines. People cannot and should not be obligated to remain in any relationship: if a relationship ceases to meet the needs of the people in it, that relationship can end. People are not commodities; ethical relationships recognize the humanity, needs and desires of each individual involved.