More Than Her (23 page)

I swallowed. "Wh-" My voice cracked. I cleared my throat. "Why?" I said again.

"Because I made a mistake, I fooled around with girls. I gave them my body. A physical act. But that's
all
it was. Just physical. Dimmy though, she wanted more. She gave a part of herself to someone else. She was willing to give her mind, and her heart to this jerk. She wanted to actually live a life without
me
and be with someone else. And as much as I wish I could've forgiven her
—
or at least tried to understand it
—
I just couldn't."

It was silent for a long moment while I took in every single fucking thing he said.

"Apparently the kid never called her back after that night. It's strange though..." He's using that same knowing, mocking tone as before. "She swears she never slept with him. So I don't get it. I don't get what the deal was. He didn't use her for sex, so what the hell happened?"

I kept my mouth shut.

He sighed.

I looked up at him. "That's it?" I wanted to get the fuck out of this room.

He stared back, holding my gaze for what felt like a lifetime.

"That's not even close to being it."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

He stood and started pacing the floor.

Now I was edgy and I wanted this conversation done. "What else?"

An hour passed while he told me in detail, everything that happened that summer.

All of it.

"So what happened?" I finally got out. I couldn't look at him. Because if he
saw
me, he'd know. He'd know it was all my fucking fault.

"To what?"

"To that asshole?" I could feel the vomit creep up my throat. I swallowed it down.

"Ethan and his friend took care of him."

"How?"

"Not important," he deadpanned.

"Fuck," I breathed out.

"Yeah. Fuck." He eyed me for a long time, deciding what to say next. Then finally, "Ethan doesn't know, Logan."

"What?"

"He doesn't know it was you. That you're the guy she broke up with me for. He doesn't know. And if he did, I don't know that you'd be standing here right now."

***

Ty left, and so did I. I called my buddy from the frat house. We used to party hard when we were freshman.

"I was wondering if you'd ever come back around," he said, when he pulled into the driveway. I got in and didn't say a word.

I just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget everything Ty just told me and I wanted to pretend like it never happened. I need to pretend like Amanda doesn't exist. I couldn't be with her and she sure as shit couldn't fall for me. Not now. Not ever. I wouldn't fucking let her.

"You wanna drink or smoke?" he asked.

"All of it," I told him.

Amanda

I got home from work just after midnight, but he wasn't home. I thought he would've texted to let me know he wouldn't be here, but I guess we're not really at that stage where we need to tell each other where we are at all times. I called him twice, but he didn't answer. I don't know whether to wait for him in my bed or his, so I just stayed in my room, missing the shit out of him.

At three a.m. I started to get worried. I called a couple more times, but still no answer.

At four a.m. I heard the front door open. I couldn't help but smile.

He truly
has
me.

I jumped out of bed and opened my door. He was stumbling down the hallway, clearly drunk.

"Hey, babe," I whispered, not wanting to wake Ethan. I chuckled to myself as he tried to take his sweater off, but his cap was in the way. I held onto his arm, trying to steady him. He continued to struggle with the sweater that was covering his head.

He pushed my hand away. "Get off!" he sneered, "I don't need your fucking help."

"Whoa," I took a step back, surprised. "Mean drunk much?"

"I'm not drunk, Amanda. I just don't need you in my space all the fucking time." He finally managed to take his sweater off, throwing his cap behind him and adjusting his shirt.

I just stood there, not knowing what to say.

He brushed past me and into his room. My legs followed of their own accord. "What's going on?" I asked cautiously from the doorway. "I tried calling you."

"Jesus Christ!" He threw his hands in the air. "Clingy much? You're not my fucking girlfriend," he spat out, slumping onto the bed. "You shouldn't be blowing up my phone when I'm out. It's fucking embarrassing."

I swallowed down the knot in my throat, my eyes stung from holding back tears. I squared my shoulders and tried to act stronger than I felt. "Did something happen?" I said quietly. Something must have happened for this switch in him.

"Yeah, Amanda." He said my name like it was a curse. "
You
happened. I don't need your shit. Not now. Not ever."

He looked at the floor, avoiding eye contact. He started to unlace his shoes. "Look at me." I ground out.

He laughed. His shoulders bounced with the movement. Then he lifted his head; there was fire in his eyes, but not the good kind. "You don't tell me what to do," he stated, standing and taking a step closer to me. "You don't control me. And I shouldn't fucking control you. What you do is on you. I don't control a fucking thing
you
do."

I frantically wiped the tears that were falling. "What the hell's gotten into you? Why are you being an asshole?!"

"I'm not being anything!" his tone got harsher with every word. "I'm not being an asshole," he repeated, a little softer this time. "I just
am
one. You should have known that when I didn't call you after that night."

My stomach dropped to the floor, and for a few moments, I forgot to breathe.

I stared at him wide-eyed. My head shook back and forth. I bit my lip to stop myself from breaking down. He couldn't see me like this. He couldn't win. Not again. Then shock and disappointment quickly turned to anger. "Why the fuck didn't you call me, huh?"

I stepped forward.

He stepped back.

"I'm not fucking doing this, Amanda." He was yelling. I knew for sure it was going to wake Ethan.

I continued shaking my head, angry with myself for letting him get to me again. I knew why he didn't call, but I wanted him to admit it. I wanted the words to come out of his mouth. "Was it a pity thing?"

I saw him flinch.

Asshole.

"I'm right, huh?" I tried to talk through my tears and my voice broke. "You thought it would be fun to fuck around with some
loser
girl, so you could tell all your friends that you went slumming?"

"What?" He took a step back, confusion on his face. But I didn't care. He needed to own up to it.

"It's true, isn't it?"

He didn't say a word. Just stood there. Hands in his pockets.

"Fuck you, Logan," I seethed.

I turned and walked away, but his words stopped me. "Too late," he announced. "Some other girl beat you to it."

Logan

My eyelids were heavy. My body ached. My head was pounding. The room was spinning. My mouth was dry. My fingers itched. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear her voice.

Amanda.

Fuck.

I'd love to say that I don't remember what went down last night, but I did. I remembered being an asshole to her. I remember doing it all on purpose, so she would leave me alone and not want to be with me, because there was no fucking way I deserved her. Not even a little.

I remembered hearing her cry in her room. She must have cried for so long, because by the time I'd passed out, she was still going.

She thought I pitied her. The second the words were out of her mouth I flinched. Not because she was right, but because I couldn't believe that she'd ever think that about herself. How the fuck could she think that I was better than her. I let it go. Maybe she needed to believe that. Maybe it would make it easier for her to accept that I didn't want her. But I did, I wanted her so fucking bad. But that was my problem to overcome. Not hers.

I'd love nothing more than to lay in bed all day but I promised Jake I'd meet him at the field. Fucking baseball.

I slowly got up and walked to the kitchen, needing something in my stomach to make this whatever-the-fuck-feeling go away. I stopped in my tracks when I heard their voices.

"Were you arguing with Logan last night?" Ethan said.

"Nope," she said quickly.

"Huh. I swear I thought I heard you and-"

"Nope," she repeated, interrupting him. "Not me. He had some other girl in there."

Why would she tell him that?

"Oh." Ethan sounded surprised. Then it was quiet for a moment, before he spoke again, "Are you all right, Dim?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I could hear the airiness in her voice, and for some fucked up reason, it pissed me off.

"I just thought that you and he-"

"Are nothing. We're nothing."

I cleared my throat to announce my presence before taking the few steps into the kitchen.

"Hey roomy!" she boomed.

I flinched from the magnified loudness in my ears.

She drowned the rest of her coffee and washed it out in the sink.

"Dude," Ethan sniffed the air, then glared at me with a disgusted look on his face. "You smell like ass. I don't care if you smoke weed or whatever
—
that's your thing
—
but don't bring that shit into the house, okay?"

I jerked my head in a nod; it was all I could do.

Amanda laughed; it was that perfect bitter laugh she uses. Then she turned away from the sink, crossed her arms and faces Ethan. "Didn't you know?" she started, her voice laced with sweetness. "You can't tell Logan what to do. You can't control him. No one can." Then she kicked off the counter and walked towards me, turning on her side so she could pass me in the doorway, only she stopped half way, her breasts rubbing on arm. "I hope she was fucking worth it," she whispered in my ear.

***

The day sucked ass.

I was hung-over as fuck and the day sucked ass.

Also, I'm an asshole.

Oh yeah, the day sucked ass.

I was sprawled on the sofa while Ethan was on the recliner. ESPN was on but neither of us was watching.

He was on his phone.

I was wishing I were dead.

Then I heard the clicking of heels get louder and louder. "I need the keys." I heard her before I saw her. She walked in front of the sofa to get to him. Her bare leg brushed my hand. My eyes finally focused enough to see that she was wearing the shortest of short dresses. It barely covered her ass. Her perfect ass. Her fucking legs. Where the hell was she going?

Ethan adjusted so he could pull the key out of his pocket. He held them out but didn't give it to her. "Where are you going dressed like that?"

"Study date," she answered.

"Dressed like that?" he quirked an eyebrow at her.

Exactly, Ethan. Good man.

"Tyson said I should start dating again." She shrugged. "Tony's going to be there."

I made a groaning sound, unaware that I was doing it until it was done. If she was trying to piss me off and make me jealous, it was working.

They both turned to face me. I focused my attention on the TV.

She grabbed the keys off him and walked past me again. This time, I pulled my hand away. If I touched her, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from doing something more. Which would be awkward for two reasons, one
—
she wasn't mine, and two
—
her brother was in the room.

So I stayed silent.

Amanda

I didn't dress this way to make Logan jealous, but the fact that it did was a bonus.

I was about to put Ethan's car in gear when my phone chimed with a text.

Logan - Why are you dressed like that for a study date? He's going to get the wrong idea.

Assface has a lot of nerve.

Me - Why? Because fuck you, that's why. Also, whatever idea he gets - he's probably right.

I peeled out of the driveway and made it a block before my phone chimed again. I pulled over and parked, already furious at whatever his reply might be. Only this time, it wasn't from Logan.

Ty - I'm sorry.

What was he talking about?

He answered before it even had a chance to ring. "Look," he said, before I could get a word in. "I'm sorry. I thought at the time I was doing the right thing. But you have every right to be pissed, I shouldn't have told him. It wasn't my story to tell. It was yours, and you kept it a secret for a reason. I feel so bad. Please don't be mad."