More Than Her (27 page)

"She's too good for me, Jake. I don't fucking deserve her. Not now, and not the first time."

"The first time?"

Fuck. I forgot he didn't know. "Nothing."

Then he looked at me, and I glared back. Like we were eight and this was a stare off. He took his cap off, ran his hand through his hair, and then replaced it. "Shit. You're more than into her, huh? You're like,
into
her."

I nodded slowly. He was right.

"Fuck, man. I never thought I'd see the day," he said, disbelief laced in his voice.

"Like you're one to talk."

"Valid."

Then it was quiet for a while as I thought about the colossal tower of fucked-uppery I'd gotten myself into.

"Don't you think it's her decision?" Jake broke the silence.

I looked over at him. "Huh?"

"Don't you think she should be the one making that choice? Whether to be with you or not? I mean, if she wants you, then there's something there right?"

I kept staring at him, waiting for him to go on.

"Look, I know that you enjoy being this asshole or whatever, but you're a decent guy. I mean, you were there for Micky when she had that pregnancy scare, and the next day when she went to see you, you were-"

"You know about that?" I cut in.

He eyed me. "Of course I do. She didn't tell me right away, but a few months later. We don't keep secrets, Logan. Ever."

I nodded.

"All I'm saying is that you're a good guy. And maybe you can't see that. But maybe she does. And maybe that's enough, you know?"

I was about to say something but shouting coming from the living room interrupted us.

We both got up quickly and made our way out. When we got out of the hallway, it was mayhem. Someone had turned the music off and everyone was looking at the corner of the room.

We broke through the crowd to see Ethan with his forearm against some kids neck, pinning him to the wall. The kid looked familiar but I couldn't place him.

"We fucking told you not to come around here," Tristan spat, pacing behind Ethan.

The kid
’
s eyes narrowed. "Fuck you, Tris. You fucking faggot!"

I swear to God time stood still as people gasped. Ethan's forearm went further into his neck. Tristan just shook his head and laughed it off.

"Everybody out." Ethan's voice was flat, but dead serious.

Nobody moved.

Dylan got up from his seated position on the sofa. "You heard him, out."

This time, half the room left.

The other half just stood there, waiting for a show.

And I had no idea what the fuck was happening.

"Out!" Ethan was a little louder this time.

Nobody moved.

Then from the back of the crowd, "You heard E, everybody get the fuck out!" It was James. And this time, people listened. One by one the filed out the front door. James was the last to leave.

"You good?" he asked Ethan and Tristan.

They bumped fists and he left. James must have had power at their school; it was like the seas parted when he spoke.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Greg?" Ethan snapped.

Greg.

Mother. Fucker.

I was about to step in, but Jake pulled on my arm to stop me.

Greg pushed Ethan off him.
“
I just wanted to tell your slut of a sister here, that I don't appreciate her sending around her ex boyfriend, over to the house, causing shit for me and calling me a fucking rapist!"

Instantly my ears fill with the familiar sound of bone crushing bone.

I have no fucking clue how long we stood there, watching Ethan beat this kid's face with his fist, but eventually Cam and Dylan pulled him off.

Ethan fell to the floor, his breathing heavy, jaw clenched, head bowed between his raised knees.

Cam and Dylan held Greg back, as he spat blood. Then he raised his head, eyes narrowed at Ethan. "She wanted it, you know? I told her I loved her and she fucking wanted it. It was that fucking easy.
She
was that fucking easy."

And this
—
this is the moment I lost control of the one thing I've tried my entire life to avoid. I may talk shit and want to punch people, but I never have. I never thought I would. Because in the back of my mind, I was always too afraid that I'd turn into
him.

The second Greg's words left his mouth; I was on him. And I don't know how exactly I got to the point of my fist repeatedly slamming into his jaw, his nose, his mouth, his entire fucking face
—
but it did.

Suddenly, there were arms around mine and I was being pulled back, Jake's voice was in my ear. "That's enough, dude. It's done."

"You need to get him out of here." I told someone. Anyone. "And make sure he doesn't fucking come back. Ever."

"Done." Dylan deadpanned. He dragged that asshole out of the house, Cam following behind him.

And then I heard her.

Her sobs took over the room, and when I looked at her, my stomach dropped to the floor. She was huddled in a corner, her knees up to her chest, her head in between them. Her arms were crossed over her head, shielding herself, as she rocked back and forth, crying.

I moved closer to her. "Amanda," I tried to get out through the lump in my throat.

Slowly, her head rose to look up at me, eyes red. She was about to say something, but then her eyes snapped to Ethan, who was still sitting on the floor. She let out a sob and slowly, she crawled over to him, crying harder as she got closer. She wiped her face with her forearm and moved to sit it front him. Then she saw the blood on his hand and made a noise as she looked away. He removed his shirt, covered his hand with it, and then whispered something to her. She looked back at him and broke down, falling into him, while he wrapped his arms around her, saying something in her ear. She slowly nodded her head. He picked her up off the floor, cradling her like a child, as they walked into her room and closed the door quietly behind them.

I didn’t follow. I didn’t say a fucking word. Because in my mind, all I could think
—
is that it's my fault.

It's all my fucking fault.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath, as something cold was placed on my hand. I looked down to see Lucy covering it with a bag of frozen peas. And then I remember everyone else was here.

"You all good, man?" Jake patted my shoulder.

I nodded, held the bag to my hand and sat on the sofa. "What the fuck just happened?"

***

I don't know how much time passed before Dylan and Cam came back in the house. "One of his boys just picked him up," Dylan stated.

"Yeah, you don't need to worry about him coming back either. D took care of it," Cam confirmed, taking a seat next to Lucy and putting his arm around her. She sank into him.

My mind was still buzzing from the adrenalin, and the pain in my hand had started to throb. My head rolled to the back of the sofa as my good hand rubbed my eyes.

I heard a door open and shut and whipped my head to the sound. Ethan came out of the hallway, shrugging on a new shirt. He stopped abruptly when he saw us all sitting around, waiting...I don't really know what for.

"How
’
s your hand?" He asked, as he got closer.

I glanced at his, "Not as bad as yours."

He shrugged. "She uh, she wants to see you." He jerked his head to her bedroom.

I took a deep breath in to calm myself. I don't know that I could see her. I don't think I'd have the right words to tell her how fucking sorry I was. For all of it. For being an asshole. For not calling her. For not being there. But mainly, for not being what she thought we
could
be. What she wanted us to be.

"We're gonna head out." One of the guys said. I don't know who because I was already walking towards her room.

I knocked lightly on her door and opened it. She lay in the middle of her bed, but slowly came to sit on the edge. I sat next to her, looking down at the floor.

Then I felt her soft hands on mine, removing the frozen bag. I jerked it away.

"Logan." It was barely a whisper.

I cleared the lump in my throat. "There's still blood, you can't see it."

"Whose?"

"Huh?"

"Whose blood is it?"

"I don't know." I still couldn't face her.

Silence.

"Logan, what's wrong?"

I shook my head.

"Look at me, please?" she pled.

So I did.

And then we were just staring at each other, trying to understand what this was. Where this left us. She looked at me so intently, her eyes boring into mine, that I think I forgot to breathe. I dropped my head again, too uncomfortable to hold her gaze.

"I'm sorry," she said.

I let out the breath. "What?"

"Your hand..."

My mind was too filled with guilt for thoughts to make sense.

I felt her move closer to me. My head lifted to face her. She was biting her lip, watching me.

"It's my fault," I told her. Truth.

She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Please? I want it to be done."

I raised my good hand and held the side of her face, she leaned into it. I wiped her tears with my thumb. "Did he hurt you?"

She closed her eyes softly. "Honestly?" When she opened them, they were focused on me.

I nodded.

She covered my hand with hers and held it closer to her face. "Not as much as you did. But it's done. It's over."

She laid back down, her head on my lap. I started running my fingers through her hair.

We were silent for so long that eventually her breathing evened out. She'd fallen asleep. I tried not to disturb her as I moved from under her, but she woke. Her arms went around me, holding me onto her.

"I just need some water," I lifted my hand, "and aspirin. You want anything?"

She shook her head as she got more comfortable under the covers. "Come back, okay?"

***

When I got back to her room, she was sitting up, the covers bunched at her waist. "You took your time."

"Sorry." I stood at the foot of her bed, not sure what to do.

She lifted the covers on one side. "Are you coming in?"

I unbuckled my belt and started to take my jeans off. I noticed her watching me. I kicked them off and removed my shirt. Not wanting to see her reaction, I quickly got into her bed, and turned off the lamp.

We were lying side by side, not talking, not touching.

Then I felt her move to her side. "Why didn't you call?" she whispered, sadness consumed in her tone.

I turned to face here. A single tear fell from her eyes. I wanted to reach out and take away her pain. But I don't. I just lay there, trying to ignore the ache in my chest. "I promise, I'll tell you. But not tonight, okay?"

She nodded as she moved closer. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her head to my chest. Her arm went around my waist while her legs tangled with mine. We were as close as we could possibly be.

And for the first time in days
—
being with her
—
like this
—
holding her
—
I finally felt like I could breathe again.

Amanda

I woke up the next morning to Logan's phone alarm going off, then his deep rumble from underneath me. My head was on his chest, our legs tangled and his arms around me.

His hand was gentle in my hair as he pulled back from me. Then we were face to face.

He smiled. "God, Amanda. I'd be the luckiest asshole in world if I got to wake up like this, with you in my arms, every goddamn day." He kissed my forehead, and my eyes fell shut.

When he pulled back he just looked at me. "I need you to forgive me," he breathed out, both hands on my face. I don't know if he was asking or telling, or if he was even talking to
me.
It was like a thought in his head that had to be voiced.

I opened my mouth to speak but he interrupted. "Don't say anything. I need to show you something," he said, his eyes moving all over my face. "Can I show you something, please? Ethan and I are going to see the team doc, but after that, will you...let me take you somewhere?

I nodded slowly.

"Okay," he said, taking my hand and kissing my wrist.

Logan

I told Ethan it was me that summer
—
the one that she broke up with Tyson for. I told him in the car on the way to the field and he didn't say shit. But now we were here, outside of the car, standing face to face. I could see he wanted to hit me. I'd take it. I'd take whatever beating he gave me.