Moho (Part One: Rise of a Symbol) (20 page)

"But maybe she will get summoned and leave. Then this wouldn’t be necessary," I argue.

"Sorry but she has to do it before she leaves. You won’t forget her even if she leaves. Once she is gone the memories of her will still be in your mind. You can try to erase them yourself but it’s impossible. If you erase her from your mind yourself, you will know why you did that and therefore still know about her. The only person who can help you to forget her is her."

"But I don’t want to forget her."

"Moho, you are stuck. She doesn’t seem to want you and yet you are ruining your life because of her. And don’t you agree that if there is a part of her that still wants you that she has to make a decision about you before The Spring does it for her? Do you really want her if The Spring doesn’t summon her? Do you really want to be the lesser alternative for her? Just ask her to do it and if she does it and erases herself from your mind, you know that she has moved on and that you need to do so to."

"Hm."

"What is it that you want, that is not dependent on her approval? Or anyone else’s? What is your personal goal, long term? What future do you want for yourself, and only for yourself? Do you even want to be here on Cosmo’s Islands?" he asks with genuine concern for me. "Sorry Moho, but I'd say those nightmares have to stop. You'll need all the happiness and Essenchi you can get for yourself to become the person you want to be."

Needless to say, I don’t sleep that night and for once
it is not because I waste it playing games. Aziz stirred up something deep inside me, something I’m ashamed to realize I hadn’t thought about once since my creation. Who am I? Who do I want to be? And what is the plan that will get me from here to there?

Maya has answers to all of those questions and I admire that about her. But we are also more similar than I had previously acknowledged. I have no right to blame her for choosing The Spring over me because I chose Cosmo’s Islands over Victor. We both chose something we didn’t really know but would give us admiration from strangers over someone we actually knew and loved. No wonder that I felt an immediate pull towards her the moment I met her. I understand that she will leave and I have to stop being mad at her for being true to herself. Nevertheless, I still love her and will miss her. That’s why I need to ask her to do me this last favor, to erase herself from my mind. And I am going to ask her today.

I get up and walk past dozens of occupied Nightstones on my way to the ramp that leads out of the dorm. It’s still early but I’m not the only one who is up already. In fact, only a handful of learners manage to sleep in this palpable anxiety that has befallen Cosmo’s Islands in the last few days. Most learners I see are practicing the creation of plants or animals above their heads while lying motionless in their beds. Today is Cosmoday and I’m not shocked that in addition to Cosmo’s Islands, Cosmo Hill, Cosmo Bay, and Cosmo’s Essence Body Operating System he named an entire day after himself. Cosmoday is the last day of sessions in each cycle and in the afternoon all learners have the opportunity to give a presentation of their skills. Cosmo then awards the learners who have made the most progress since the last Cosmoday with a special badge that is the most desirable badge of all according to pretty much all learners. Hence the nervous atmosphere everywhere, even in the Springtreegrove which is usually characterized by a jolly mood.

I sit down next to Aziz under our Springtree but I’m not hungry and neither is Aziz. He is practicing one of his fantasy plants. Most people want to present replicas of some plants or even small animals they’ve learned to create. In a way, what they are doing is not so different from what we used to do in Crystal Cave. The difference is that they are creating things and not
fighting each other. But it’s not like they are making any contributions to nature because none of the plants and animals are actually alive. They all collapse once the learners stop controlling the atoms that make up their creations. Honestly, I don’t care about Cosmo’s day or even his islands any more. But my behavior will change once my mind is freed of Maya.

In contrast to seemingly everyone else, I’m not nervous because of Cosmoday and I have no intention of presenting my apparently meager skills to Cosmo. I think I will still go to Cosmo, though. Just
so I can finally confront him about his motivations for my selection. But I am nervous about my forthcoming encounter with Maya. She isn’t there yet and I will wait until she shows up, even if that means that I have to skip the last sessions of the cycle.

I’ve also thought about leaving Cosmo’s Islands after this Springday. I want to see Maya having her moment, even if I won’t remember her by then, and after that I want to have my own moment, wherever and whatever that is. I don’t see what is holding me here any longer. There will be a party tonight, in honor of the learners who get a badge from Cosmo today, and that’s when I will talk to Vijay and Aziz about my plans. Maybe I'll visit Victor first.

While I stay in the Springtreegrove, Aziz leaves for his last sessions. I spend the entire morning thinking about what I want to say to Maya but she doesn’t show up. In the early afternoon, after lunch, all learners, assistants, and mentors gather on the big lawn on Center Island between the dorm, the temple, Cosmo Hill, the statue, and the Springtreegrove in anticipation of Cosmo’s arrival. I haven’t seen him since Springday. I wonder what he will look like. The speculation continues for quite some time because, as usual, he keeps everyone waiting. I wait with Aziz and a friend of his nearby the temple where it is less crowded.

Then suddenly, I see Maya. She is standing at the foot of Cosmo Hill and I know I have to go to her and talk to her
. Yet, I can’t find the courage to do either one of those things. Aziz sees her, too, and gives me a nudge. I protest for some reason and then slowly walk towards her. She is talking to a handful of her new friends but I don’t know any them. I think she has an easier time making friends now that I’m gone and her nomination has made her popular.

They seem to know me and point towards me. She looks right into my eyes. I lower my head and stop walking. What am I doing? I’m so nervous all of the sudden, my stomach turns. I feel sick. I’m about to turn around and walk back to Aziz when I can't help myself and have to take one last, quick look at Maya. Her friends are gone. She is alone and
she looks right at me. And I can’t stop staring either. I want to turn around and leave but I can’t. And then it’s too late. She starts walking towards me and my legs walk towards her until she stands right in front of me, so close that I could almost hug her. I wouldn’t, of course, but I’d like to.

"Hey…," she says and looks to the ground. She smiles shyly.

"Hey…," I repeat. And then I giggle. I giggle! Oh my Spring… I’m making a fool of myself. She seems to have the same thought and starts giggling as well. We just giggle for a while. Sometimes she stops and then I stop and then we both start giggling again. I’m humiliating myself! And she is so cute... Focus! I scratch my head several times out of embarrassment. Then we finally stop.

"You are doing great… err… I mean, err… how are you doing?" I stutter.

"I’m fine. Thank you for asking," she says sincerely.

"Well… you look great today. Always, of course. I mean you
always look great. You always have. What I’m saying is that today you look greater even… err… even greater. Not that you don’t always look great. It’s just that today you look greater than you usually look. But you… it’s not that you usually don’t look greater than you usually look… err… I mean you look — "

"Great," she says and grins at me. "Thank you, that is very nice of you to say. You look great as well."

Calm down! I’m a mess but I guess I don’t have to tell her that. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"How have you been?" she asks. My eyes are still closed.

"Fine... Good. I mean great. Great. I’m just… great," I respond. I should also ask her to erase the word 'great' from my vocabulary while she is at it.

"I’ve heard you are doing really well. Vijay told me you are taking a different approach these days," she says.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I respond but I don’t know what she is talking about and add, “you must be so excited. You’ll get your last badge today. And it’s your last Cosmoday of your last cycle. Everything is coming to an end.”

“You are being very kind but we shouldn’t jump to any conclusions. We don’t know The Spring’s decision yet,” she points out.

“Right, of course not. Sorry,” I mutter to myself. I actually know she doesn't appreciate speculations like that.

“Oh, no need to apologize. If someone has to apologize then that’s me,” she says. I think I want to hear her apology but I pretend I don’t and wave my hand.

“No, I must,” she insists, “Moho, I’m sorry for what I’ve said to you. I was still upset because of the fight I had with Lee and Yo-Yo and that had nothing to do with you. My exasperation was for them, not for you. I—”

“Well, I think it’s good all secrets are out now,” I interrupt her. “It might have been painful but we’re all better off for it now.”

“I don’t even understand what happened. My memory of that morning is unlike any other memory… it’s so blurry. Like I didn’t actually experience it, like I wasn’t myself. My head hurt for days after it. Maybe I was sick.”

“You don’t need to make up any excuses. It’s all good,” I insist.

“I’m not lying, it really was —” she starts.

“It ‘was’ and that’s what’s important here,” I interrupt her to prevent another fight. She doesn’t like my words and seems to think I treat her unfairly but she has no right to make me feel guilty any more. I’m still glad she tried because now I feel I have the right to ask her for the favor.

“So, Maya, there’s a reason why I wanted to talk to you,” I begin and take a deep breath before I add, “I’d like you to do something for me.”

“Anything. How can I help you?” she asks eagerly. Suddenly
, now that she is sensing an opportunity to make things right, she is very excited.

“I want to ask you to erase yourself from my mind,” I say quickly but it doesn’t make it less painful for Maya. She did not see that coming. She gasps loudly before she simply stares at me in disbelief. I think she is genuinely hurt and I feel for her
— a tiny bit at least. “I need to move on and for the past few months I wasn’t able to. The truth is that I will never forget you but I have to. I have to start living a life that is now and that is for me,” I state with as much confidence as I can muster but it’s not much and my voice is trembling; my throat is dry.

“I don’t… know what… to say,” she stutters with a voice as shaky as mine.

“You don’t have to say anything except that you will do it when I’m asleep,” I say.

“But maybe we can be friends again. Maybe, if things don’t work out for me, we can be more than that,” she says, now almost begging me.

“No. I’m not saying that I don’t want you but I’m unwilling to be the lesser choice, because for me you were everything. But I don’t want you to want me if I can’t give you everything you want,” I state. I need a moment to repeat that sentence in my head and check for logic but she doesn’t seem to care.

“But we can still meet again after Springday, right? Start over with a clean slate?” she begs.

“No. I don’t only want you to erase yourself from my mind, I also want you to plant a little seedling in my Forest of Thoughts that makes me —”

“
That makes you hate me?” she suggests anxiously.

“No. That makes me indifferent towards you,” I demand too clearly. She sheds a tear but I force myself to continue. “You owe me that and you know it.”

Even before the last words leaves my mouth, I turn around and feel a tear running down my left cheek. That was awful. It’s over.

I collect myself while I’m watching the proceedings of Cosmoday, but I don’t feel good about myself. The day is ruined. When Maya approaches Cosmo to give her presentation, I look away until I hear how Cosmo awards her a special Cosmoday Badge because he thinks that this will be her last Cosmoday. I guess there is at least one thing he and I agree on.

The hours pass quickly and it’s quite entertaining. Some learners are creating the most detailed plants and animals that look almost real until they give up control of the atoms and they fall as an undefined pile to the ground. Others do less impressive work and I get the feeling that I’m not as bad as Ravi made me believe. But I know that I’m not great either.

There is a short moment when the last learners present in which I’m afraid that someone will notice that I didn’t participate. But my fear is unfounded. Cosmo ends the event with a round of applause for the lucky few he awarded one of his badges before he kicks off the party. It’s only late afternoon; the sun has barely begun its descent on the unusually cloudy, grey sky, but that doesn’t keep anyone from celebrating their achievements. And even though I never really took the sessions and the badges seriously and therefore never felt the pressure most other learners felt, I feel their relief. The cycle is almost over, Edification Week starts tomorrow, which learners can spend however and wherever they want. Pax’s Darkening will take place towards the end of it and then E-Week will end with Springday before a new cycle will take its course. I won’t be here for it, though, and to let Aziz and Vijay know, I take Aziz and we make our way through the cheery, chattering, eating and drinking crowd to look for Vijay. The two are my closest friends and that’s why I want to tell them at the same time. I don’t think they will be too thrilled.

I feel a drop of water on my cheek but, while there may be a tiny part of me that is sad to leave Cosmo’s Islands, I’m not crying. I look up and notice that the clouds have moved from the ocean over to the Islands. It’s raining. Wow. That’s the first time in the entire cycle that it’s really raining. It’s raining big, heavy drops. The crowd goes nuts and it’s not because they are running inside the temple or the dorm as quickly as possible. No, the crowd starts dancing!? Aziz looks as confused as I do. Then I remember Maya’s comment from the day of my first session. Rain is one of the few forms of water navees are allowed to touch
— and they are taking advantage of this opportunity! They stretch their hands towards the sky and dance euphorically while their 'liquid of creation' is raining down on them. Aziz quickly joins and grabs my arm, inviting me to join the crowd as well. I hesitate for a moment because… well… because it’s just water? Though as a former AS I don’t have this respect for water, the joy on everyone’s faces somehow gets my body moving. It’s quite heavy rain and our uniforms are wet rather quickly. However, I feel good. I dance away all the struggles with my 'parasite', my nightmares, my failed relationship with Maya. I feel light and loose. Everyone around me is laughing and happy, and so am I.