Moho (Part One: Rise of a Symbol) (24 page)

I approach the left wall to peek through one of the many holes in the mesh. It almost looks like Pax did the same she did to the wall in
Aziz’s Imaginationweb and caused those holes herself. I can’t see anything. It’s dark on the other side.

For a split-second the whole vast space is illuminated by the ceiling but then darkness takes over again. Is she waking up already? How much time has passed? I’ve always wondered if time passes the same inside the mind as it does outside. For a moment I’m distracted, don’t look where I’m going and I immediately bump into a bunch of wobbly Essencestrings that are dangling from the ceiling. There are big Memorybubbles left and right. So I have to push the bunch of Essencestrings to the side. And when I do, Pax stares right at me.

“Ah!” I scream and press my hands against my mouth as if I didn’t want to wake her up. But then I realize that it’s not really her. What I’m looking at is just one of her doubles, a slowly walking, relaxed Emotionclone. I turn around to make room for it to pass but there is another one coming from behind. I’m stuck. There is one Pax in front of me, one Pax behind me and Memorybubbles to my right and my left. So I escape into the Memorybubble to my right and the Emotionclones walk away. That was close! But how weird that Emotionclones are walking around her Memoryspiral even though there are no Memorybubbles created right now for them to jump into. I have to be more careful.

“This cycle is going to be different, Dido. I just know it!” Pax claims and reminds me that I’m in one of her Memorybubbles. It shows Pax sitting in a dark space.

“No, it won’t,” Dido counters.

“Dido, you don’t understand! I’m not just saying it this time. No. This time I know it! I feel it in my heart!” Pax insists. She is beaming with joy. I can’t remember that I’ve ever seen her that happy. And she looks so healthy. Her hair is in order, her clothes are clean, her face looks fresh. To be honest, she looks good, downright beautiful. I didn’t notice that at the time.

“It’s going to be just like any other cycle, there and here,” Dido hisses.

“But there were cycles when things were different,” Pax argues.

“Different,” Dido emphasizes.

“And better. Both,” Pax argues. “Come on, Dido! Don’t be so negative! It’s a new cycle with dozens of new Selectees. They might like me. One of them at least. I’m telling you, from tomorrow on it’s no longer going to be me and I, it’s going to be we and us, and all will be well.”

“No one wants you here at Cosmo’s Islands. You will never become a part of it. You know it has never happened, neither on Earth nor on Persadia. It’s time to end it. Once and for all,” Dido yells.

“But only when I don’t find a human, okay?” Pax asks kindly.

“A human? Cosmo won’t select another human after what happened the last time. All you might find is a navee and that won’t end your misery. Stop pretending! Get darkened!” Dido shouts.

Then the memory starts over again. This conversation is disturbing enough as it is. But the fact that there is no Dido breaks my heart a little. She is Dido. She made up an imaginary friend - or enemy. That's just sad…

I leave the Memorybubble and stumble into another one.

“It happened, Dido! It did! He selected a human! I swear!” Pax exclaims.

“You don’t know that,” Dido argues.

“I do! I swear!” Pax repeats and adds, “Xerxes punched Moho and I could literally see the rage that took control over Moho.

“That’s no proof. You could have asked Moho. Get over your anxieties. You’re embarrassing,” Dido says coldly.

“Aziz and Aleeya were there. What if Moho had denied the attack, had lied to me
… had rejected me?” She asks and waits for Dido to agree. But Dido just gives a loud, sneering groan. “Okay, you’re right. But I will get the proof for you tomorrow,” Pax says.

That must have been right after the party on Springday. I didn’t know anyone else saw Xerxes punching me. Maybe we could have held him responsible together… Does that mean she only tried to force me to reveal my secret because she was afraid to talk to me in that moment? I would have told her the truth then. I hadn’t taken The Vow then… Ugh, she really should have talked to me. I was desperately looking for someone who believed me in that moment.

I leave the Memorybubble and wander through the darkness for a while before I’m ready for the next piece of her past. It's one of the larger Memorybubbles and is quite grey which hints to emotions of disappointment and unhappiness.

“Why did you even select me?” Pax asks.

“It wasn’t my decision to bring you to Cosmo’s Islands. Liam selected you,” Cosmo answers.

The fact that it’s Cosmo talking to her throws me a little. How did she manage to talk to him?

The two are sitting on a red beach which leads me to assume they met on the Red Island.

“I want to go back in time and stay in that moment forever. Everything seemed possible right after my selection. Things were different before The Second Dark Time, you know?” Pax says.

“Things were different but not better. Don’t idealize the past,” Cosmo responds.

“For me they definitely were better. I’m getting darkened, remember?” Pax says and looks at the ground in between Cosmo and her.

“And who’s fault is that?” Cosmo asks and waits but both know the answer to that question. So he continues, “It would be best if you left Cosmo’s Islands.”

“Best for whom?"Pax asks but Cosmo doesn't respond. "You.” Touché.

“Maybe you can evade your Darkening in the forests of Fogmountains,” Cosmo suggests. Pax raises her head to look into his eyes. She is very disappointed. Then they look towards Fogmountains where big clouds are hanging over the foggy mountain chain in the distance. Flashes of lightening illuminate the dark-grey clouds every few seconds and yet it’s silent. Fogmountains is too far away to hear the thunder.

“You want to dispose of me? You want me to get lost in The Dark Forest? Me? And that after you tutored me all those cycles?” she asks. Her voice is shaky and she is probably about to cry
, but the memory ends and I’ll never know.

Wow! Cosmo was her tutor as well? He knew that she hadn’t left Cosmo’s Islands after the announcement? Is he living on the Red Island as well? And why didn’t he select her? I thought only he can select people for his islands… When I first heard ‘Liam’ I thought about the mental engineer who designed Holo Holo Nalii for CEBOS and looked like Cosmo. But maybe that’s a coincidence and he was talking about a different Liam. I’d almost like Pax to wake up now so I can ask her
those questions before she gets darkened.

I pick another big Memorybubble and find her sitting by herself, holding her stomach. Then someone approaches her. I had almost forgotten about that person.

“Are you alright, my dear?” Aleeya asks her. She kneels next to her and strokes her back.

“I don’t know… Ever since the announcement I’m having those pains all over my body. Sometimes I can’t even walk. I think I’m sick,” Pax answers.

“Of course you are. Who wouldn’t be in this awful situation of yours,” Aleeya says and squeezes her shoulders lovingly.

“Maybe it’s best when I do what Cosmo said and leave. Without all this here, without Cosmo’s Islands, without the stress, I might get better again,” Pax says, more to herself than to Aleeya.

“Are you sure my dear? Have you really done everything you set out to do this cycle?” Aleeya asks.

“Sometimes I think I don’t want to any more. The toll my plan takes seems too great.” Pax says.

“My dear, I feel with you,” Aleeya assures her and strokes her cheek. “But remember—”

“Great accomplishments come with great effort,” Pax says as if she was repeating a mantra for the millionth time. “I know.”

How is it that she got to see Cosmo and Aleeya when I didn’t see any of them all cycle? And why does Aleeya like Pax? I thought I was her 'dear'. And what plan was she talking about? Was she working on something good with Aleeya? Or did she fool Aleeya as well?

I’m so confused that I don’t look where I’m going, stumble over something and fall flat onto my face. A Thoughttree is lying on the floor. I’ve never seen a Thoughttree in a Memoryspiral. Everything is broken in this mind. Since memories often include other people, I consider thoughts more private than memories but I stick one ear into one of its branches.

“Shut up Pax! You’re so stupid! Oh… Pax, no! No one cares about that! Oh… you don't get it. Stop dreaming!”
Pax — or hopefully Dido — thinks. But I’m pretty sure it’s Pax.

This place makes me sick and I kind of regret that I came here. And yet, when I see a big and unusually colorful Memorybubble, I can’t help it and enter the memory.

“It’s done! They are history!” a very, very happy version of Pax shouts while she is dancing around the red beach.

“You can’t be sure,” Dido claims.

“No, Dido, I am. Trust me. It’s finally over. Moho thinks Maya knows every secret and she slammed each and every one of them into Moho’s face. I’m telling you, it was brutal! She was so ruthless — it was utterly beautiful.”

“That only makes Moho hate Maya and not automatically love you,” Dido comments coldly.

“No, no, you don't understand. Moho is alone now and will turn to me. All I have to do now is to eradicate everyone else. I’ll just program a bug. That’s cake! I’ve won!” Pax tries to convince Dido.

All the new-found empathy I had for Pax a moment ago is gone. She just isn’t worth it. I have to refocus on why I’m here. And as if
Pax’s mind is thinking the same, the ceiling lights up once more. Pax is waking up. My time is running out.

I hurry through the labyrinth of Memorybubbles, looking for one that shows images of the dreams I’ve had. But nothing. All I come across are memories of her and by herself. Suddenly I get a funny feeling in my legs and realize that I’ve run into an Imaginationcloud. What is that doing in her Memoryspiral? Anyway, I feel how I’m getting smaller until I disappear inside the Imaginationcloud. Or maybe the Imaginationcloud got bigger. Who knows.

In contrast to all the Memorybubbles, the images playing in the Imaginationcloud are a bit, well, cloudy. Nevertheless, I recognize the scene it contains. It’s Maya and I sitting in the grass the night when she asked me to come home with her. At least I think it’s us - I can’t see our faces. I hear laughter. Then I see the hand of a girl gently playing with another hand. I think that’s my hand. Then the girl turns around and looks straight at me but it isn’t Maya - it’s Pax.

“Moho, tell me how much you love me,” Pax says cheerfully.

“I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you, my love,” I respond.

“Who else have you loved?” she asks skeptically. She frowns and tries to raise her eyebrows at the same time.

“No one. All I’ve ever wanted was you. I don’t care about anyone else,” I assure her. She smiles and we make out.

Ugh! Disgusting! Pax should have used her fertile imagination for creation instead of wasting it on this wishful thinking. I can’t look at us kissing any longer
so I leave the ludicrous Imaginationcloud and grow back to my normal size.

I stroll through a few other Memorybubbles but don’t always listen to the repetitive conversations she has with herself - or with Dido as she would say. As it turns out she was spying on me pretty much all cycle. She was there when I talked to Ravi about the meaning of The Spring, she was hiding behind one of the rocks on Maze Island when I was pouring my heart out to Aziz, she even sat in a corner of the temple during most Meditosis sessions, and she often tried to follow me into Crystal Cave. However, it looks like she always lost me at some point and never found the actual location. Looks like the only time she wasn’t with me was at Maya’s place and in the arena.

This mix of self-destructive conversation with Dido, the loneliness, all the crying on the one hand, and the spying, the refusal to leave Cosmo’s Islands, the eventual attack on the other hand, leave me uncertain about my feelings towards her. I can’t say that I still hate her. In a way she was a victim. And yet I can’t say I feel sorry for her either. I'm confused.

Without realizing it, I’ve walked across her entire Memoryspiral and now find myself overlooking the whole, vast space from the other end of it. This is
Pax’s whole life lying in front of me and it’s mostly sad. I wonder what she thinks about it. I’d feel terrible if my time came to an end tomorrow and this here was all I had to show for. It seems like she wasted her time being afraid and angry and alone.

There are two more Memorybubbles nearby. I’ve certainly overstayed my nonexistent welcome already but my curiosity prevails when I see Maya’s face in the smaller one of the two.

“What are you doing here? The island is closed,” Maya says to Pax.

“I could say the same to you,” Dido snarls.

“Dido, be nice to our guests,” Pax scolds herself.

“Oh, excuse me! How am I supposed to know that if we never have any guests?” Dido asks.

“Excuse her,” Pax says and smiles at Maya who is visibly confused by Pax’s two personalities. “What brings you here?”

“Oh, nothing in particular. I tend to take long walks around the Islands these days,” Maya tells her.

“Liar!” Dido screams. “She would never break the rules and enter a closed island without an agenda.”