Moho (Part One: Rise of a Symbol) (17 page)

"Those are big words coming from the person who just punched me in the face for no reason. There were like a hundred thousand other people who liked it just as much! It was just fun! It's not like I was cheering Cryos' demise."

"Cheering the winner's revenge is the same as cheering the loser’s demise. You cannot cheer the triumph of Nonga without doing so at the expense of Cryos."

"That's ridiculous! Listen to yourself. It was just fun. It was a great
sporting event. Don't try to make more out of it. And maybe you should rethink your attitude. You were the only one there who didn't enjoy it. Maybe you are sick."

"You may be used to appreciate this form of seemingly playful revenge but all you're doing is substituting actual physical violence that you cannot revel in with this kind of revenge. You consume revenge and feed your parasite by doing so. You're an addict!"

"Yes, maybe I am a junkie. And you know what? You should try it. It feels great!" I chuckle. This is just so stupid… "Oh, come on, honey," I say and hug her.

"Don't honey me! You're not Yo-Yo! And don't touch me. I won't hug you! Who do you think you are? It is because of people who behave like you that the triplets got darkened. How could you think that I really wanted you? I'm just using you for the campaign and then I'll be gone."

"Look, I'm aware that I've got problems. I'm aware that I've messed up. You don't need to tell me that."

"Oh yes, I do need to tell you that. Ah!… You… You are so messed up!"

"Yeah, I know. I told you."

"You truly are! So messed up!"

"Yes, okay, that's enough. It's not like you aren't a total mess yourself."

"What?! I've got it all figured out! Shut up! You're sick."

"Maybe. But so are you. Look at you. Lee was right. You're addicted to fame. You're a miserable addict crawling through misery, desperately looking for more misery. And you know what? I don't even blame you. I get it now that I've met the reason for it. You're all screwed up. But I still love you."

"Love me?"

"Yes. I get that you don't know what love is. You couldn't experience it living with those people. But I will show you. You'll be fine. We will be fine. You don't need all of this stuff, the Islands, The Spring. All you need is me. And I need you. We can fix us."

"Oh, come on! You behave horribly right now, so don't pretend you like me."

"You don't have to be nice to the people you love," I state.

Silence.

"The virtually endless breadth of your stupidity is nearly impossible to overestimate."

"Okay, let us all calm down and let us avoid using inflammatory language. Instead, let us keep an open ear for each other and open our hearts to embrace each other's opinions," I say like some sort of mantra that I've never heard before.

"Shut up! I don't care. I don't want to hear. I choose to hurt you."

"What? And what were you even trying to say with that insult?"

"And yes, I did underestimate your stupidity."

"Stop pretending that you are better than anyone else."

"Of course I am better! What I do is so much more important than what those animal trainers or all other hopeless Islanders like you do."

"You don't mean any of this. What set you off? A minute ago you were real, just like you were when Yo-Yo and Lee begged you to stay
in that moment when you teared up. But now, that's not you. You're all just pretense. You pretend to be someone who fits on Cosmo's Islands but that's not who you are."             

"You don't know me. I'm Maya!!!"

"Yes, I've heard," I say. "And you know what? That sense of entitlement is delusional."

"It's not called sense of entitlement when you can back it up with skills."

"Unbelievable."

"Unbelievable is that Cosmo selected you. We all had to work hard to get to Cosmo's Islands but you didn't do anything. You don't deserve anything you got. And how you treated Pax! You pushed her off a tree, misused her trust in you
, and then you even tried to choke her."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about."

"Don't lie to me! I know all your dirty little secrets. I broke into your CEBOS every night and listened to your thoughts. I know what you think about The Vow."

"So you were spying on me? You should be ashamed of yourself. And anyway, you were the one who let her into my mind. We were supposed to let Sookee help us set up my CEBOS but you just believed Pax and let her into my mind. Everything that happened happened because of you."

"Poor Pax."

"Oh, now you start to care about her? After you disposed of her with your lover Ravi? And what do you care anyway? It's because of me that the chastes got her. You should be thanking me."

"No. But you know what? I will be thanking someone. I will be thanking The Spring, twice before I even get summoned. Once for darkening that despicable human Pax. And then again for darkening that other despicable human."

"What other human?"

"You."

On a comfortably crisp, clear morning, my mom and I are looking at two graves in the dewy grass of a cemetery. There is a normal-sized one and a small one, and both are covered in roses. Their sweet smell reminds me of my first dream in the forest — those must be the graves of my cousins.

We are holding hands, interlocked, and I can feel how my mom keeps tightening her grip on my hand. I would like to talk to her but I can't intervene in this second dream either. It's like a memory whose moment of creation I don't remember. 

After a long moment of silence that is only occasionally interrupted by a chirp or a muted sob, I hear my aunts and uncles approaching from behind.  We turn around and greet them with hugs and kisses. Everyone is older now, I'm no kid any more either, but my aunts and uncles have aged more than the passing of time can explain. They look weary and broken.

For a while, we all try to reconnect with the ones we've lost but merely staring at their graves doesn't bring us any closer to them. Then my uncles and one of my aunts sit down with me nearby the graves.

"How have you been?" my aunt asks me. She tries to appear okay but I can see her pain every time she tries to smile.

"Fine… better than you probably," I respond. "I still don't think you guys should have moved away, though."

"It hurts less that way," she explains.

"So why did you decide to visit their graves after all this time?" I ask.

"Because we felt ready now. People say it's a next important step in the process," she answers. "And because we should. We have graves we can visit. It must be much harder for you."

"I've never met him," I remark.

"You don't need to have experienced your father's presence to miss him," she responds.

"In a way you're right," I agree. "It sounds weird but somehow I experience him through mom. She is so scared and won't let me do anything by myself."

"I wouldn't let you out of my sight either if I were your mother. We all know what happened the last time we did," one of my uncles says. "Especially when you consider that no one ever found out what happened to them. Who knows… maybe we all carry our death in us already."

"But it's not like she could do anything if I were to suffer this instant aging death myself," I argue.

"Nobody could. Death can hit any of us at any time in any place," my other uncle says. During his short comment, his voice goes from middle-aged strong to old-man fragile. Suddenly I feel his head falling into my lap. Then my other uncle and my aunt drop to the ground. Their hair is white, their skin is wrinkly. They are dead.

"No!" my mom yells when my other aunt drops dead as well.

"Mom!" I yell and run into my mother's arms. She hugs me tightly.

It’s getting bleaker
on Cosmo’s Islands. The days are becoming shorter and grayer and the nights are becoming longer and colder. At dusk and dawn, the fog melts the damp land and the steely ocean into a dreary blend of weariness. The only warmth, light, and color come from the innumerable Glowing Stones scattered around the Islands. Hotstones and Sunstones are placed throughout the dorm. They are like islets of joy on those islands of gloom. I know in my head that it’s probably not that bad. But in my heart it feels even worse.

More and more I find myself wandering around the Islands. Sometimes I walk all the way across Element Islands to the Purple Island. It’s empty. I’ve never seen anyone there. But I do see all of Cosmo’s Islands from there. I can see the daily hustle and bustle of this institution. I can see all the learners hurrying from one session on one
island to a next session on another island. I can see all the assistants struggling to instill their knowledge on those eager learners. And I can see all the mentors strutting around the chaos doing… well, who knows what.

I’m not sure what I’m doing here. Oh, and there it is! The blue light. Again. I shouldn’t have thought that. I’m keeping those thoughts private but it’s like those grains of blue light can hear all the thoughts behind my Wall
of Secrets. Every time I feel lost, the blue light appears. Without exception. I’ve been wondering if I’m hallucinating and wanted to ask someone if they can see it, too, but it only appears when I’m alone. So I guess I really am going a bit astray. Whatever. But there it is. Right in front of me, twirling through the air just like it did when I first saw it, the night when I decided to ignore it and followed Vijay into Crystal Cave instead. As usual these days, I’m not doing anything and so I just follow it. The blue light leads me to a remote corner of Center Island. A man is sitting in the cold grass and is thinking in silence.

"Thank you for ending The First Dark Time.

Please support all who have suffered."

"Thank you for ending The Second Dark Time.

Please support us to prevent The Third Dark Time."

"Thank you for gracing us with your presence.

Please support us to help you create more Springs."

"Thank you for freeing us of Pax.

Please support us in finding all remaining humans."

He is sitting scarily close to the edge of a sharp cliff, his legs crossed, his hands on his knees, and his devout eyes fixated on The Spring that is glowing under the dark night sky. After every two lines, he lets a small Icestone rise from the pile in front of him and sends it towards The Spring. He observes the flying stone until its glow melts with the glow of The Spring. Then he continues.

"Thank you for my creation.

Please support all newly created creatures during their time on Persadia."

"Thank you for giving me inspiration to acquire new skills.

Please support me on my way to becoming a Creator."

"Thank you for nominating four of my fellow learners.

Please support them on their journey to you."

"You give light and take it away. Create!"
Ravi thinks before he lets another small Icestone rise from the pile in front if him and sends it on its way to join The Spring - or to the other Icestones that probably fell into the ocean once he lost sight of them.

"Are you here to participate?"
he thinks to me while still staring at The Spring.

"No, I was just passing by," I say
, which is only partly true. "I have never seen you do this."

"You must have been busy doing other things during the night," he says with slight criticism in his voice. I'm not going to give his brother's secret away and so I wait until he gives up. "I connect with The Spring every night."

"But why?" I ask.

"In moments of darkness The Spring shines me a light."

"That’s a bit on the nose for a light in the night, don’t you think?"

"My answer is accurate nonetheless. Connecting to The Spring fulfills my need for idealism which leads to increased happiness and more Essenchi. If I were you, I would try it in light of your recent doubts and unhappiness."

"So Maya told you. I shouldn’t be surprised," I sigh. Ravi finally turns around and looks me in the eyes. His alert eyes under his raised eyebrows let me know that he didn’t know. Damn! I gave him unnecessary satisfaction! On the other hand, it looks like Maya didn’t tell him my secret.

"I am referring to your weak performance during the sessions - at least in the few you care to attend these days. It’s the talk of the Islands. There are people who wonder if Cosmo made a mistake when he selected you. I count myself among them."

"Me too," I admit but Ravi’s face doesn’t soften. He doesn’t even blink. So I break eye contact and look at The Spring behind him. "I still wonder, though. What is it? When I was created, I could see nothing but light, there were no Creators as far as I could see. Who knows who actually created me? It’s like the closer you get to The Spring, the less you can see. And now that I’ve left, it doesn’t seem to care about me any longer. It never talks or thinks to me. There is nothing from it on the NOPs."

"That is unfair criticism considering that The Spring could be the source of all NOPs," Ravi says.

"We don’t know. And officially there aren’t any rules. We only know that everyone is created in The Spring and that — apparently — without giving any specific rules, it punishes some violent behavior by darkening people."

"Unnecessary to describe the visible. Also, The Spring does not 'apparently' darken
; it does darken. One ought not to make such inaccurate assertions if one has not witnessed the horrors of the Dark Times," Ravi snaps.

"Okay. But not every violent behavior is punished, not if it’s just fun," I argue.

"I don’t see how any violence can be classified as 'fun'. I also don’t see how you acquired this knowledge."

"Well, you wouldn’t call it 'knowledge', would you? Since it came from me, 'inaccurate assertions' sounds more correct," I tease him.

"A slippery slope it is some of us are walking on," he says slowly and gives me the same demanding look he gave me earlier when he wanted me to confirm Vijay’s nighttime activities. In moments like this, I find it nearly impossible to believe that Ravi and Vijay are actually twins. I wonder what happened between them that they went down such different paths.

After a long pause, Ravi gives up his accusatory stare in favor of a continuation of his offensive monologue.

"However, in an effort to inject some relevance into this hollow exchange, The Spring is us."

"Would you care to elaborate?" I ask in an effort to inject even more substance into our 'hollow exchange'.

"I was afraid I had to," he responds and sighs loudly while shaking his head slightly. Ugh, what a prig. And then he goes on. "We are all created out of The Spring’s matter and our essence is a sliver of The Spring’s essence. The Spring doesn’t need words or images to connect with its creations. It has a much deeper connection with us. I can feel The Spring inside of me."

"So you are saying that, in a way, we are all connected?"

"Correct," Ravi agrees.

"And yet we are all different."

"How different are we really?" he asks seriously.

"You’re joking," I say with a frown. But he actually isn’t. So I go on. "Then why does it create different people at all? Why are you and I so different if we are created from the same matter and the same essence?"

"We are full of impurities, parasites, and we are obligated to starve those to eradication. We are here on Persadia to cleanse our essence through the right actions and in the end rejoin The Spring to contribute to its purification. It’s - for now - a continuous, but eventually ending cycle. In the end, Persadia will be enlightened."

"So if The Spring is made of 'purified' navees, who created these navees who founded The Spring in the first place?"

"The Spring created everything. All navees, animals, and even Persadia itself," Ravi explains.

"How is that possible if The Spring only appears in lakes and oceans? I mean, there are no lakes and oceans without Persadia," I counter.

"The chicken and The Spring problem," Ravi sighs.

"The chicken and the egg problem," I correct him.

"Excuse me?" Ravi asks me.

"Right. The chicken and The Spring problem," I censor myself and leave.

Unfortunately, I will see him again sooner than later. I still go to his Meditosis sessions and we are still stuck, and probably forever will be stuck, in the meditation part of it. I simply make zero progress and every time I try to get advice from Ravi, he starts insulting me indirectly. I also don’t understand what he is trying — or rather not trying — to explain to me.

I didn’t take Meditosis seriously when I first started, but now I really want to get rid of my parasite. Despite all of Ravi’s offensive character traits, I admire his controlled demeanor. There is nothing that gets him angry, he is almost eerily emotionless. My temperament hasn’t really gotten me into any serious trouble but there is still
Pax’s threat that is lingering in the back of my mind. She sounded so serious about taking me down with her. Even though the cycle is coming to a close and her Darkening is approaching, I haven’t seen or heard anything from her. Instead of fading with every day I don’t hear from her, the agitating anticipation her absence causes intensifies almost exponentially with every silent day. She doesn’t publish any thoughts, memories, mental images or knowledge on the NOPs. Everything she does, she does in secret and therefore most likely alone. I feel almost a little bad for her - and sadly I can feel with her. We have even more in common since the final than we had when we first met. I probably shouldn’t worry about her and I also haven’t run into any trouble with Xerxes or any of his chastes, but I cannot shake off the fear that Pax is going to strike back — and that she is going to do so horrifically hard.

A few quite days later, I run into the other twin for the first time since the final. I’ve stopped going to Crystal Cave. I’d like to say I did that because I no longer needed it, that I did it because I’m 'healed', but I couldn't claim any of that. I’m not doing it any more because, now that Maya knows my secret, I think I have to be more careful. She wouldn’t go to Xerxes, I don’t think. But I feel safer when I don’t go down to the AS. And yet I would really like to. Especially right now that Vijay reminds me of how good happiness looks on someone. I could need that outfit.

"So what have you been up to? I haven’t seen you during any of the sessions," Vijay notices correctly.

"I’m taking a different approach these days," I say.

"Which? What are you doing?" he asks interestedly. I almost want to tell him the truth but I’m so uncomfortable with how I’m wasting my time that I don’t.

"This and that. More this, less that nowadays," I answer. He knows that something is up. He gives me a slight frown and yet I don’t think he knows about Maya and me either. There is no pity in his face.

"Alright. Anyway, the
final was awesome, don’t you agree?" he asks.

"Yeah, I’m now following some trainers on MNOP and watch how they train their animals. Pretty exciting. I wish I could do that," I tell him.

"Actually, you could. Not in reality, obviously. Not here, at least. But there is this game that is going around, haven’t you heard?"

"No. Among AS?"

"Mostly, yeah. It’s a secret extension of CEBOS. The mentors can’t know, obviously. It will alter your CEBOS a little which is a bit risky but it’s so worth it. Do you want it?"

"Sure. How do I get it?" I ask eagerly.

"Let’s hongi," he answers and leans forward. I do the same and I instantly feel a simmering pain in my brain but he leans back before I can even complain.

"I’ve just
sent it to your CEBOS. It will take some time to install. Maybe try to access it tonight. Just think 'Holo Holo Nalii for CEBOS'. That’s it," he explains.

"Sounds good. Thanks."

"You’re welcome. Anything for you!" he says. "Listen, I’m on my way down, you know? Are you coming?"

"Ah, probably not. I’m trying not to get into trouble."

"Got it. Anyway, if you still want the fun, there is another game for that. Let me know if you’re interested."

"I’ll do. Thanks."

"Okay, see you around," he says and leaves.

"Right," I say. He turns around and smiles. I sigh. I would really like to go with him because I’m about to see his twin brother again.

After a very unfruitful but very relaxing Meditosis session with Ravi and dinner with Aziz, I pretend I’m tired and lie down on a Nightstone in the dorm. I close my eyes, go into CEBOS and open my eyes to the darkness in front of the Wall
of Secrets which is the function I’d used last. Then I think 'Holo Holo Nalii for CEBOS' and the mesh rushes towards me immediately. I find myself in darkness for a split-second and then, just as suddenly, the darkness disappears and I’m standing on a green meadow. It seems like reality. I feel a slight breeze pushing against my skin, the sun is hitting my face, and birds are chirping in the trees all around me.