MisStaked (53 page)

"Where do you think you're going?” Brogan growled, grabbing for Leopold.

Leopold slapped at his hand. “Don't touch the silk, you ruffian. I will not have rough hands stroking me in such a manner.” His voice was a high-pitched squeal.

"Let me do it.” Joan stated with a sly wink.

"Yes, move Hairy Man.” Leopold pushed Brogan out of the way and planted himself firmly in Joan's arms. “I am your prisoner. Do with me what you will!"

Joan staggered back as the vampire swooned into his arms.

"Hold him tight, while I deal with the other one.” Brogan turned to Lewis, who immediately threw his hands up.

"No worries here, Chief. It was all the honky's idea.” Lewis grinned sheepishly. Stud would have laughed if something else hadn't caught his attention. “Uh, guys. I think we have a problem."

The broken altar was glowing. High above it, D'brea floated. The dried husk of her body was gone; in its place rose the glorious Vampire Mother, come to life. Her face was a stone cold mockery of humanity.

"You can unhand me now,” Leopold said smugly. “But don't go anywhere. I may keep you as a pet.” The vampire sighed before striding toward his queen.

Stud gave Brogan a shove. “Are you just planning on standing there, or are you going to stop his ass?"

"Nope.” Brogan grunted.

"Why the hell not?"

"Do you really think D'brea's going to give that dufus the time of day, let alone the power he's expecting?"

"What about him?” Stud jerked his thumb toward Lewis.

"You ain't got to worry about me. That is one freaky-lookin’ white chick.” Lewis had backed up against the wall.

"Mother, I bow before Your Majesty and offer myself to Your service.” Leopold executed a perfect courtly bow before the vampire queen.

"Rise, My Son. Your Mother is pleased with your subjugation.” Stud began to worry until he caught a sly wink from D'brea. “You will be my right hand in my plan to bring the Vampiric Nation back to its former glory."

"What is Thy bidding, My Mother?” he asked. Stud almost gagged on the pitiful Sith reference.

"We must repopulate the world with true vampires. None of this biting that has become the rage of the newer generation.” An evil smile plastered D'brea's face.

"No biting? But how do you make a vampire without biting?” Leopold lifted his head confused.

"Surely you've heard of copulation.” She faced toward Stud, showing him the wide smile she had plastered on it.

"With women?” Leopold squealed.

"But of course. I myself will handpick your first harem. Nothing big, a hundred or so nubile vampires to begin with should do it.” Stud could see D'brea pinching herself to stop from laughing.

"Couldn't we begin with artificial insemination first? This is too important to trust to blind chance. What if they don't catch the first time?” Leopold was actually backstepping toward the door.

"Then you'll have to keep banging away until we have the invincible vampire army we need to take over the world.” D'brea pumped her hips at the fleeing vampire.

"Thanks for the offer My Mother, but I forgot I am a prisoner of this gentleman. It would be unfair of me to forgo a previous obligation and embark on something of this magnitude,” Leopold sputtered as he climbed back into Joan's arms.

"Is this true, human? Does this one owe you an obligation?” D'brea asked Joan.

"Yes, ma'am. Not more than five minutes ago he surrendered to me."

"And how long does his imprisonment last?” D'brea turned her steely glare on Leopold.

"No less than a hundred years My Queen,” Leopold squeaked. “It would not be right to serve less than that for the horrific crimes I've committed. I will understand if you wish to find another vampire to fulfill your dreams."

"That will not be necessary. I can wait."

"It could be longer than a hundred years. I am quite nefarious and will undoubtedly do something dastardly to earn added time to my sentence."

"I am patient and will wait until the end of time if need be.” D'brea answered in mock resignation. She turned her attention to Joan. “Sir, do you accept guardianship for this man until such time as his sentence is completed? Even if it calls for him to be treated most grievously, possibly even chained or beaten unmercifully while you are dressed as a schoolgirl?"

"I think I can manage that.” Joan grinned.

"Then hie him from my sight until such time as I have need of him,” She waved them toward the door.

Leopold nearly dislocated Joan's arm pulling him through the door. The sound of their retreating footsteps echoed through the opening.

"I thought he'd never leave,” D'brea said after they'd left.

"Uh, could somebody tell me what just happened?” Lewis asked.

"None of your damn business. Shut up before I lose my good mood,” Brogan gave him a shove toward the vampire queen.

"Stud, get over here and help me lift him up.” D'brea ordered, as she bent down beside Breathred.

"What about Luna?” Stud was torn between his two friends. Despite his earlier examination of the girl, she still hadn't wakened.

"She is fine. I hear her pulse from here. It is strong. We need to get Breathred awake. He is the key to breaking her slumber,” D'brea shouted.

Stud shrugged and went over to the pair. D'brea put her arm behind Breathred's neck and motioned for Stud to get on the other side. He still wasn't sure she was right about Luna, as together they pulled him up into a seated position. A low groan escaped him as he settled back against the ruined altar.

"Before Breathred wakes I think it best we do not mention what happened to him. I sense it would only bring the creature back into control,” D'brea warned.

"How can you say that? Whatever the thing inside him is, it nearly killed Luna. We need to do something about it.” Stud countered, even though he wasn't all too sure what was going on himself.

"No. It is something that must stay buried until he is strong enough to defeat it himself. The being is ancient, older than even me. If there was anyway to excise it from him, it was forgotten long ago. He must be watched, but beyond that I don't know. I just know if Breathred becomes aware of its existence, the knowledge could very well tear him apart.” She looked right into Stud's eyes as she spoke.

"Okay.” Stud didn't like it but for now he would go along with it.

"What happened?” Breathred sputtered, as he slipped back into consciousness.

D'brea shot Stud a warning glare. “You did it, Sweetie. The vampires are gone. You ran them off and brought me back to life."

Breathred blinked and looked around. “I did?"

"Yep.” Stud said through gritted teeth.

"I had this weird dream and in it I hurt Luna. Where is she?” Breathred sat up, only to fall back in Stud's arms.

"She's hurt, Breathred, but it wasn't you.” Stud tried not to flinch at D'brea's lie. He'd go along with it for now, but he would get to the bottom of this Antipaste thing, so help him.

"Take me to her. I need to see her.” Breathred thrashed to get to his feet.

"Calm down, Dweeb.” Stud pushed him back. “Brogan, leave the dead wood and get over here."

Breathred felt two pair of hands lift him to his feet. He tilted his head to see Brogan and one of the vamps behind him. He gave the Canadian a weak smile, and wondered why the man gave him such a weird look. Chalking it up to all the excitement, Breathred quickly forgot about it. He needed to see that Luna was all right. They half dragged him over to Luna's sleeping body.

Seeing her lying there, Breathred drew away from them, staggering the last few feet on his ow

He collapsed beside her. She looked so small. Her face was a blank slate. There was nothing there to indicate the lively girl he ... The thought choked in his throat. What if she was dying? He couldn't live without her. He'd tried for so long, and all he had was an empty existence. Ever since she'd come into his life, he'd come to know what being alive was truly about. He couldn't lose her now. She had to be all right.

"Luna,” he let the words fall like a prayer from his lips. “It's me Breathred."

Her face remained a placid, limp mask.

"Come on, wake up. I need you to be all right,” he cried, his tears flowing down his cheeks to waterfall onto her. “I love you, gosh darn it."

Luna's eyelashes fluttered and popped open. “Breathred, is that really you?"

"Uh huh,” he sobbed. His hand worked furiously to dry the tears from his face. The last thing he wanted was for her to see him crying.

"Did you just say you loved me?” She smiled weakly.

"I-I th-thought you c-couldn't hear me."

"Did you mean it?” She frowned, but a playful gleam was in her eyes.

"If I say yes, will you try to kiss me?"

"Yep.” She beamed.

"Then you better kiss me."

And she did.

[Back to Table of Contents]

Breathred looked across the Java Jumper looking for Luna. She was late. It had been a week since the vampire thing. In spite of that, he still found himself looking over his shoulder expecting an all-out vampire assault at any moment. He would feel better if he could remember anything of what had happened.

It was a big blur. As much as he'd like to accept Stud's berserker rage amnesia as an explanation, he couldn't.These weird snatches of memories kept hitting him at the oddest times. In them he was doing things to Luna. The bad things in these nightmares were totally different from the nasty things he'd been doing to Luna in the other dreams. Breathred wished the dreams would just go away so he could go back to dreaming about important things like comic books.

The door opened for the hundred and fiftieth time, drawing his gaze. He smiled as, this time, Luna walked through the door. The fact that Stud, D'brea, and Brogan followed her in didn't detract from the joy he got from seeing her. Besides, in a few hours, the last were leaving for parts unknown. It wasn't that Breathred was glad to see them going, but he missed all the peace and quiet. Not to say Stud allowed for much peace and quiet.

"Hey, Sweetie.” Luna plopped down beside him and threw her arm around his shoulders.

"You're late,” he said nervously.

"Don't nag her, Big Boy. She and the monkey were helping us pack,” D'brea chided him.

Stud slid in opposite them. “Yeah, Breathred. She had me to watch out for her. There was nothing to worry about."

Breathred thought it best to ignore him, so turned to Brogan. “Aren't you going to sit down?"

"No can do, Bub. We got a flight out in thirty minutes. We just stopped by to let you know we were gone.” Brogan slipped his arm around D'brea's slender waist and pulled the vampire queen toward him.

"Stop it, Badger Britches.” D'brea protested—but not much, Breathred noted.

Out of everything that happened he still found it hard to believe the Canadian mountain man and D'brea had hit it off. The twelve hour nookie-fest, as Stud put it, might have had something to do with it, but Breathred wasn't up to asking what a nookie-fest was, so took Stud's word for it.

Whatever the case, it solved one of his big problems—what to do with the vampire mother. As much as he liked being a vampire slayer, he couldn't bring himself to slay any of the ones he'd met. Leopold and Luna's Uncle Joan had headed off to Rio at Leopold's urging. The vampire thought it best to serve out his hundred-year sentence somewhere far away from D'brea, and Rio was the furthest place he could think of that offered indoor plumbing and nipple painting.

Lewis had slipped away before anyone could think to stop him.

Breathred's big chance to be a vampire slayer had ended with no slaying, unless you counted the ones at the mall. So, guessed he did slay some after all. A couple was better than none. It wasn't the best way to start his career, but he had gotten a good bit of publicity out of it. Somehow or another a reporter had gotten wind of the debacle up in Canada, put two and two together and come up with five. His article had very little truth in it, but Breathred's name had been mentioned as well as
Petrifunck Paranormal
. The end result was the phone had been ringing off the hook with jobs.

"Breathred, I want to thank you.” D'brea said, drawing him from his thoughts.

"You're welcome,” he answered automatically then thought he had better find out what for. He might have agreed to something totally icky. It wouldn't be the first time either. “What for?"

"Bringing me out of my boring prison. Hon, this whole thing has been a blast. I can't wait to get out there and see how much trouble me and old Iron Bottom, here, can get into.” D'brea laughed.

A horrible thought echoed through Breathred's mind. “Uh, you won't be sucking the blood out of anyone will you?"

"Darling, I'm old enough I can go years without a nip. Plus, your blood should keep me in dutch for centuries. We didn't have blood that pure back in my day. And then we had vestal virgins.” She cackled.

"I'll keep an eye on her.” Brogan gave Breathred's shoulder a friendly punch. “If she steps out of line, I got just the thing to stake her with."

"Oh, Brogan. Let's get out of here before you make me blush.” D'brea cooed, as she dragged the man away from the table.

"See ya later, guys.” Brogan waved as they headed for the door.

"Now, tell me more about this Mile-High Club,” D'brea's voice shouted over the din of diners, bringing the entire coffee shop to a silent pause.

"Don't even think about asking,” Stud said to Breathred, who promptly shut his mouth.

"So, what do we do now?” Luna interrupted.

"Well, I did have an interesting phone call today about a demonic goldfish that was taking control of this poor woman's cat and making it eat lasagna.” Breathred answered with a childlike wonder in his eye.

"Sounds good to me.” Stud jumped up on the table and yelled. “Edith, my love. Three Banana Choca Lattes to go. We got demonic fish-ass to kick."

A note from the Author

I told you it would be hard to believe, but you went ahead and read it anyway. This ends the tale of how the idiot—with my help—saved the world from vampiric domination. This is in no way the end of Breathred's adventures. Unfortunately, they just won't seem to stop.