MisStaked (45 page)

"See, works every time.” D'brea turned around. Luna was relieved to see her top was back in place.

"Stud, are you okay?” Luna asked.

The chimp's head rocked back and a smile the size of a Winnebago graced his serene face. He said in a dreamy faraway voice. “She showed me her boobies, and I like them too."

"Pervy little fucker ain't he?” Luna could tell D'brea was trying to look shocked, but couldn't quite pull it off. “Who am I kidding? If he was a little taller, and a little less hairy, I'd be all over him like dentures on a neck bone."

"Ew, so not an image I want to have to carry with me. Thank you, very not.” Luna did her best not to gag.

"Any chance of an encore, Toots?” Stud asked, wistfully.

"No!” They answered in unison.

"Just checking."

"Stud!"

"Hey, she showed them once. I would have been remiss if I hadn't asked for a second showing. If it got out I'd be drummed out of the perv-of-the-month club."

"Then check somewhere else, Turd Knocker,” D'brea snapped. “Now, where is that hunka-hunka-burning Brogan? He should be here by now."

Luna was about to tell her to be patient when Brogan shredded his way through the back of the tent. In a fury of flailing arms he emerged from the shadows. He catapulted past them, his momentum carrying him straight out the tent flap and back into the night.

"Was it just me or did he look like he was auditioning for Edward Scissorhands Two?” Stud asked.

"I think those ropes are cutting off the blood flow to your brain,” Luna said. “Try not to be an ass when he gets back in here."

"Don't panic. It's just me,” Brogan said, as he rushed back into the tent.

Luna looked up to see in expectation of his return, D'brea had let her form-fitting top dip ever so slightly, so the swell of her breasts nearly cascaded over the top of it. If her exploding cleavage wasn't enough to make a man salute the Canadian flag, her loincloth had gone obscenely transparent. Luna was shocked to see it revealed everything, including what she had tucked away under the kitchen sink.

"What was that about panicking, short, broad and manly?” D'brea whispered in a husky velveteen voice.

"D'brea stop it! Poor Brogan can't even breathe,” Luna ordered the ghost.

"Ooh, I like a man who knows how to hold his breath."

"Ma'am, would you mind putting some clothes on? I don't think my jeans fit anymore,” Brogan gasped out in short ragged breaths.

"See, he's gone all stupid. Men can't function, when you cut off the blood flow to the brain like that,” Luna warned.

"I'm sorry. It's just been so long I forgot myself,” D'brea said. Luna caught the ghost shoot Brogan a sly wink when the vamp thought she wasn't looking.

"When this is over, you can do whatever you want to him. Until then, don't let it happen again,” Luna chided her.

"She didn't say anything about me, though,” Stud remarked, his tongue rolling from the side of his mouth.

"Stud!” Luna shouted, and then turned to D'brea. “Clothes, now!"

"Did you see how she talked to me?” D'brea whispered in Stud's ear, as her clothing became more opaque. “Let me tell you, if I still had my body, she wouldn't dare talk to me like that."

"If I had your body,” Stud leered.

"Stop it right there before I forget I'm a lady."

"I can hear you both. So, stop it!” Luna didn't have time for this. Breathred was in danger. The Skank and Chimp Show could wait until he was safe and sound.

They both gave her apologetic looks, but Luna wasn't buying it. She ignored them for the time being. Brogan was her more immediate concern. The man looked positively confused, not that she could blame him. From the look on his face, he could see D'brea, which wouldn't make explanations any easier. If she wasn't mistaken, he was mumbling to himself, which was never a good sign.

"Okay, when I left, the only thing I had to worry about was frostbite and crazy people who thought they were going to wake up a billion-year-old vampire. Now, not only do I have REAL vampires running around, but now I've a ghost to worry about. True, that's the sexiest damn ghost I've ever seen, but still a ghost.” Luna watched him narrow his eyes and give D'brea an once-over. “Oh, yeah, baby. You'd definitely make a corpse sweat."

Luna couldn't stop herself from laughing.

"Look at what you did.” Stud pointed at Brogan. “You broke the Canuck."

"I did not. See, he's back to normal.” D'brea pointed a finger in Brogan's direction, which made Luna only laugh harder.

"Ah, could somebody explain what's going on?” Brogan stammered.

Luna turned to see the vampire was now dressed like a nun, albeit a sexy nun—but a nun nonetheless. Exactly, how she managed the feat, Luna would die to know. Luna held up her hand. She had to put an end to this or they'd never get around to saving Breathy. “Brogan, if you'll untie us, I'll try to bring you up to date."

"Only if you promise to make the skirt stop making me sweat until you finish."

"D'brea, put some clothes on and leave him alone.” Luna cocked her head toward the vamp.

"Spoilsport,” D'brea pouted, but Luna was glad to see she complied.

Things finally calmed down, as Brogan bent down to untie her and Stud. Rubbing her blood-starved arms and legs, she told Brogan what had happened after he and the others left. Grateful D'brea refrained from any more lewd comments Luna took all of about ten minutes to bring the Canadian up to date.

"Okay, the vamps have Breathred and her body,” Brogan summarized, giving a hasty nod toward D'brea.

"That's about it. So, whatya gonna do about it?” Stud demanded.

Brogan sat back in his chair. “Damn good question. Right now the only thing comes to mind is to run like hell till we all hit Mexico. Somehow, I don't think that's what you want to hear, but it's all I got."

"Mr. Petrifunck, so good to see you again,” Leopold said, as Breathred watched him push the kneeling Dr. Easily out of the way to enter the tomb.

"Du Chambris Portus,” Breathred growled

"No need to repress your anger, Breathred. I may call you Breathred? Of course I can,” Leopold shushed him with a wave of his hand. “Now, I really must thank you for all your invaluable assistance. Without you we would be all standing out in the cold."

"I know what you are,” Breathred said, as the knot in his stomach tightened.

"Of course you do.” Leopold smiled.

Leopold swept past him, making for the stone coffin in the center of the room. He paused briefly at the paralyzed Grayson and Truehart. Breathred heard a faint laugh escape the vampire, as he pushed the unresponsive Truehart to the side.

Breathred took a step toward the vampire. A hand on his shoulder halted him. Lewis’ smiling face asked him wordlessly to stop. The sight of Jessica stepping into the tomb behind them did little to improve his mood.

"The Mother's work?” Leopold asked, gesturing to Grayson and Truehart.

"Answer the man,” Lewis commanded with a harsh shove.

"Yes,” Breathred spat between gritted teeth.

"So powerful. Even in her slumber, she can move mountains,” Leopold mused wistfully.

Breathred shook off Lewis’ hand. “Don't even think about it. She won't help you."

"Dear, boy. I am her child. What mother wouldn't help one of her children ascend to the power that is rightfully his?"

"You obviously haven't met my mother,” Breathred mumbled.

"This is the finest hour of the Vampiric race. I will not let your churlish words diminish its importance. Lewis, restrain Mr. Petrifunck."

Breathred felt his body go rigid when the vampire reached around to take hold of him. It was like fire was channeling its way through every cell in his body. His ring burned into the flesh of his finger. His hand shot out involuntarily and slammed the vampire back into the wall. “Don't touch me."

"Lewis, it appears the virgin has a backbone after all. It must be all that pent up energy.” Leopold chuckled.

"Then, you come over here and restrain his ass.” Lewis rubbed his tender back.

"Neither one of you will do anything,” Breathred stated, his voice a cold lump in the stale air.

"Believe what you will, but I think if you want your two friends to remain among the living, you will do what we say.” Leopold pulled Truehart over to him and raked his teeth along the man's neck. “I am growing quite peckish. If you want to try my patience, feel free.” The point of his fang pricked the meat of Truehart's neck enough to draw a single drop of blood.

"Okay, leave them alone!” Breathred shouted.

"Glad to see that bravado of yours has its limits. As tasty as Doctor Truehart appears, he isn't my type.” Leopold pushed Truehart into the comatose Dr. Grayson.

"Leopold cut this bullshit. Let's get the Mother and get out of here,” Jessica snapped, elbowing past Lewis and Breathred to face Leopold.

"You must excuse, Dr. Easily. She confided in us earlier she is premenstrual at the moment and quite touchy about it,” Leopold whispered to Breathred. “So, it would be best not to antagonize her, if you know what I mean."

"I am not!” Easily exclaimed.

"Well, uh, yes. Perhaps it would be best if we got down to business. Mr. Petrifunck, if you and Lewis would kindly remove the lid. I hear Mother calling."

"You better get the drag out, hunky man,” D'brea said. “I'm listening in on Leopold and Breathred at the tomb, and it isn't sounding too good."

Brogan shot the ghost a dirty look. She might be a knockout, but that didn't mean he had to take her crap. Brogan knew what he had to do, and didn't need a pushy, undead broad telling him that. The hound-dog looks from Luna and Stud were bad enough. He could deal with D'brea. What kind of name was that anyway? But those two sad sacks were breaking his heart.

He let out a sigh. “Okay here goes. They're already in the tomb, so there's no way we get to them in there without taking the chance the vamps will take Breathred and the doctors out."

"Well, I ain't sitting here with my thumb up my butt,” Stud announced to nobody's surprise.

"I don't expect you to. I'm just asking you to be realistic. If we rush into the tomb, they're dead, we're dead, and if we're lucky we don't come back in three days to a steady diet of blood,” Brogan said, looking to D'brea for agreement.

"He's right, you know. Things at the tomb are about to get worse, so if you got a plan let's hear it."

"Then, what are we gonna do, Brogan?” Luna asked, trying not to let her emotions get the best of her.

Brogan slammed his hands together. “We wait until they come out of the tomb. They'll have their hands full with the ghost-chick's body and Breathred. Counting Easily, there's only three of them. We can hide, and when they come out, we take ‘em down."

"I love it, when you're all forceful,” D'brea cooed.

"Lady, you need a cold shower."

"Are you offering to scrub my back, if I take one?” the ghost asked, seductively showing a bit more of her ample chest than Brogan was happy seeing up close. It wasn't that the view didn't tickle his cigar straight, but he just liked his woman more solid and a lot less dead.

"D'brea, you promised,” Luna corrected the naughty spirit.

"I know, but he's just so...” D'brea ended her statement with a squeal of delight.

"Can we get back to the reason for this little meeting?” Brogan demanded.

"I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” D'brea asked.

"Yeah, if you can rein in them hormones, I need to know a few things before we go jumping into the thick of it."

"Go ahead. Ghost's honor, I'll be good.” D'brea crossed her heart.

Brogan couldn't help but notice the crossing ended with a nipple tweak. “First thing—can we kill those two vamps without getting the others killed?"

"I wouldn't advise it. The young one will be no problem. The blood hasn't had time to take a good hold, yet. It's the other one who'll give you trouble. He's old enough that a stake won't kill him right away."

"Then, how do we kill him?” Stud snapped.

"You don't. You just need to get my body away from him."

"That won't work. He'll just keep coming after you,” Stud shot back.

"Not, if you can revive me before they get the chance,” D'brea said.

"You'd still have to kill Breathred to bring you back. Sorry, not going to happen,” Luna was quick to say.

"I only need a drop of his blood to bring my body back. What the others are planning is overkill and wasteful to boot."

"When your body reaches full power, how do we know you won't come after us?” Brogan asked, the whole thing sounding fishy to him.

"I've done the Queen of the Damned shit. It's a drag. Give me a man or twelve to call my own, and I'm happy. As far as I'm concerned, my children can take care of themselves."

"Good enough for me,” Luna said and turned to Brogan. “And it should be good enough for you."

Brogan laughed. “Luna, if she's got you convinced, that's good enough for me."

"Then, let's get this show on the road,” Stud said.

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Now would be a good time to look into cut-rate burial plots
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The coffin lid shifted in Breathred's shaky hands. He had to drop his knee to the floor to keep it from falling. Looking up, he saw the strain on Lewis’ face, as all the weight shifted to him. Feeling bad for his misstep, Breathred gave a half-hearted smile. From the look on the vampire's face apparently, Lewis felt the same way. The veins in the vampire's arms and neck looked like corded snakes, as he strained to keep his own end from tipping.

"Don't break it, you incompetent buffoons!” Leopold ordered. “I trust you'll forgive me if I move back a step or two. I'm not about to risk damage to my person because of your tomfoolery."

"Maybe, if you came over here and lent a hand, we could do this to your satisfaction,” Lewis snarled.

"Wouldn't think of interfering. Someone has to see that the job is done properly. Doctor Easily, give them a hand.” Leopold waved his hand at the woman.

"Bite me,” Jessica growled.