MisStaked (42 page)

"As long as we're clear on your plans, I'll do it. But don't expect me to like it."

"You, as well, my dear,” Leopold said to Luna.

Luna growled low in the back of her throat, but did as the vampire demanded. He had them at a disadvantage at the moment, but it wouldn't be the case for long, if she had anything to say about it.

"Good, now that we're all comfy. I think it's time to find out what's been going on. You know all the juicy gossip. Who's sleeping with whom? Who is feeling springtime fresh? I want it all. Especially the part where you tell me how to get to the Mother,” Leopold said, taking an empty chair next to Dr. Easily.

"We ain't telling you shit, fang boy.” Stud gave the vampire a smug sneer before Lewis slapped the side of his head. Stud jerked his head up and gave the vamp a nose thumb. “Hey, itty bitty pimpin'. You touch me again, and I'm going to shove your hand so far up your ass your sphincter will think its going steady with your tonsils."

"Such a nasty brute you are, Mr. Chimp. Lewis, leave the poor thing alone before it gives you rabies or some other monkey illness. You know how unsanitary they are, and me without my wet wipes,” Leopold warned.

"I still ain't telling you shit,” Stud said, making chomping noises at Lewis, who had backed out of biting distance.

"I never thought you would, but I was never one to walk blindly into the lion's den, so to speak.” Leopold demonstrated a condescending flip of the hand. With a knowing smirk he faced Jessica. “Then again, I wasn't speaking to you. Was I, Doctor Easily?"

Luna shot from her chair, narrowly missing Stud as he eased his head around to join her to glare at the woman behind the monitor. The smug look on the bitch's face was the last straw. She'd known that skank was trouble from day one and now had proof. She should have thrown her ass in the fire when she had the chance. Well, that was one bitch slap she wouldn't let slip through her hands a second time. Miss Thang and the vamp squad would screw up sooner or later and when they did, she was going to be there. And God help them when it happened.

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If your check hasn't cleared, don't expect to find out what happens next.

Let me see if I got this straight. Chambris du Portus is on his way, if he isn't here already. Luna and Stud are all that's left out there to face him and there isn't much I can do to help them cooped up in here,
Breathred thought.
Was there anything I missed? Nope, I think I got it all.

"You seem to have covered everything. I see I've upset you,” D'brea said, a little worried for his grip on what passed for sanity. “I can see this Chambris Portus worries you, as does the fate of your friends."

"No, but how can you be sure they're coming? Wait a minute. You read my mind!"

"Reading your thoughts is a simple matter, but you were mumbling them out loud to yourself while you were thinking.” Yep, his sanity was going bye bye.

"Well, for your information that was a private conversation, so stop eavesdropping. Before you even try reading my mind, it isn't polite to go traipsing around in someone's mind."

"Why, you got dirty thoughts you're trying to hide?” D'brea peered into his eyes just to be sure. It'd been awhile since she'd seen a really good dirty thought, and a virgin's at that.

"No! Can we get back to the other vampires and how you know they're coming?"

"Even in this distant generation, I can sense my offspring. I had hoped my great grandchildren would be smarter than the firstborn, but from the looks of these two I might as well have been pissing in the wind for all the good that did,” she chuckled. “You can't pick your family, that's for damn sure."

"But aren't vampires—you know—made, not born?"

"Don't try to get all philosophical with me. It's a real buzz kill,” D'brea snapped. “I really like this new language. I'm gleaning such delightful things from your mind."

The language was so flowing and descriptive. D'brea had been picking up loose thoughts for the past century and also been receiving something called radio transmissions, especially old television ones. Until these three had entered her tomb, she hadn't been sure what they were. D'brea now knew the basis of her speech had come from a program called
Designing Women
and another, newer one, called
Reba
. She had no idea this form of speech was not the norm for the entire world, but liked it nonetheless. One day she hoped to meet this Suzanne Sugarbaker. D'brea was sure they were sisters from another mother.

What else had changed while she slept? She had picked up a vague picture from the female of men dancing with no clothes on. Now, that was something worth looking into, because in her time men didn't have muscles like those. She wasn't sure what six-pack abs were, but damn if it wouldn't be fun finding out.

"Did you know you're drooling?” Breathred asked.

"Sorry, Hon. Forgot you were there. Now, what was I saying?"

"Your children are coming and they're not too smart."

"Yes, that's it. So, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not be here when they come,” she said, twisting a ghostly strand of hair.

"But why? I'd think you'd want to be freed,” Breathred said in surprise.

"I do. It's just I'd rather not be freed by them. They're the reason I locked myself up in here in the first place. Always hounding me. Always so needy. It's all my fault, you see. Back then all I made were male vampires. I had these grand ideas of harems full of men at my disposal whenever I felt the urge to do the hanky-panky. A big frigging mistake let me tell you.” D'brea laughed.

"It was?” Breathred asked in between fits of blushing.

"Sure as hell was. Men might be good eye candy, but quite frankly the lot of them are dumb as bricks. No offense."

"None taken. I'm not sure if I should be offended or not, but since you're probably reading my thoughts anyway would you please spare me an in-depth explanation?"

"Sure thing, Hon. Anyway, that's where all this talk of calling me the Mother came from. They wanted somebody to nurse them, baby them, tell them when to pick up their loincloths and lust after in their pathetic little dreams. So, finally I decided to say to hell with it and go to sleep. After wiping their asses for a hundred years I was ready for a nap.” D'brea sighed.

"I imagine so."

"But you know what the worst part was?"

"No,” he said meekly. “Not eating?"

"No. I needed to lose a couple of pounds anyway. It was that I've been locked up for so long without a man. They may be annoying as hell, but dammit when you want one, you damn well want one. My juices are so bottled up I could drown a whole village, if you know what I mean.” She gave him a spectral nudge to the ribs. “Hell, I might even qualify for virginity again."

"Well, I'm sure that is, what I mean is ... N-no, I don't know what you mean,” Breathred stammered. D'brea waited for it, knowing he couldn't hold it in. “So, you can become a virgin again? I didn't know women could do that."

"Boy, you kill me.” D'brea guffawed and slapped him across the back, which didn't work all too well because her ghostlike hand slipped right through him.

"You really need to meet my chimp,” Breathred mumbled under his breath.

"Ohhh.” D'brea walked over to him and said with a perverted leer. “That's the kind of talk that's going to get you walking bowlegged."

"Ewwww!” Breathred whined his face scrunched up in horror and disgust.

D'brea leaned in and licked his quivering ear. She purposely let her ectoplasmic touch send a jolt of pleasure through his naughty bits. Biting her lip as he tried to fight off the sensation, she increased the sensation until the tingling felt so good the boy nearly forgot what he was trying to do. Reaching into his mind, she felt it took his entire concentration to push the naughty sensation from his mind.

"Sugar, don't knock the ride until you buy the ticket, strap in and ride the rapids,” D'brea whispered in his ear.

"Madam, would you kindly refrain from doing that?” Breathred hissed, swatting his ear, as he backed away from her. “I'll have you know I'm saving myself for marriage."

He stopped her cold. With a look of confusion D'brea looked him over from head to toe. Taking a ghostly sniff, she decided he was indeed telling the truth. Which begged the question. “How old are you?"

"Thirty-six."

"Honey, you ain't saving yourself. You're letting that shit wither on the vine.” She didn't bother to hide the amusement from her voice.

"Be that as it may, I would like to keep this relationship platonic, if you please."

"If that's the way you want it. You're not my type anyway."

"So, if you don't want the vampires to help you, what do you want me to do? I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of being your love-slave and I know Luna—that's my girlfriend—will have a few things to say on the subject, if that's your intention."

"Your tough luck, Hon. You don't know what you're missing.” D'brea was clearly not in the mood to forgive him for rebutting her advances. “If you're not up for a bit of the in and out, I want you to get me out of here, and if you don't, your two friends over there are going to be my first meal in eons."

After calming down, Luna let Leopold's statement sink in. The initial shock had worn off and denial was setting in. She didn't want to believe Jessica could be a traitor. Sure, she might have had her differences with Easily, but after the other night Luna had marked the woman off her list of suspects. She should have known better. Never trust a woman who tries to steal your man. That's Girlfriend 101 and she had forgotten it. Damn bitch probably double-dipped her chips to boot. She looked the type to do just about anything, including selling them out to an undead freak like Leopold.

"Don't look so surprised, Luna,” Jessica said.

"Why?” was the only thing Luna could find to say.

"How can you ask? You stole my man. This was supposed to be my chance to get him back after all these years, but no—you had to drag your little butt into it. When I saw the two of you together at Grayson's party, I knew I had to do something. I couldn't just let you get away with horning in on my party. Do you know how long I waited for him?"

"I can imagine,” Luna said, trying not to smirk. Breathred was nothing if not a bit sluggish when it came to women.

"Breathred would have been mine all those years ago, if it hadn't been for the accident. Then, he just disappeared. I spent years trying to find him, but he just vanished. Then finally, I when I thought I could live my life again, Doctor Grayson called and asked me to join this expedition. I was fine with throwing myself into a little work, but then she said
he
would be part of this dig. After all these years I found him again, but you...” Jessica said, all but foaming at the mouth. “Came along and ruined it. Well, I decided then and there you weren't going to get away with it."

"Girly, you need a serious dose of Prozac,” Stud snorted.

"No, what I need is for you to shut up, you vile little shit,” Jessica screamed into his face.

"Now, Doctor Easily there is no need for vulgarities,” Leopold interjected.

"You just stay out of this. This is between me and the girl."

Leopold raised his hands and backed up. “By all means. Who am I to stand in the way of a woman scorned?"

"So, what did he promise you? Were you to become a vampire? Is that it? That he'd let you have Breathred for all eternity to yourself? Well, let me tell you something, Breathred would rather die than become one of those things.” Luna wiggled her finger at Leopold and Lewis.

"Oh no, nothing so pedestrian. Seeing the two of you together, it was clear Breathred was no longer fit to be with me. He had to pay for his stupidity. Breathred could have had me, but chose you,” Easily said with an up-turned nose. “When Leopold told me about the sacrifice he needed to wake the Mother, I was only too happy to help him."

"What sacrifice?” Stud butted in.

"Breathred, you silly primate! They're going to sacrifice Breathred in some ceremony to wake the Mother. They need a virgin and there you go. Who else fits the bill? I even offered to do the deed,” Jessica said, a faint giggle hiding beneath her words.

"You're insane,” Luna said.

"Think what you like, but it doesn't change the fact your boyfriend's about to become vampire chow.” Jessica unleashed a barrage of laughter that made Luna's blood run cold.

"Lewis, I think it's time for Doctor Easily to take a little break,” Leopold whispered to the other vampire.

"I heard you,” Easily shouted. “I was promised immortality you twit. I want it, now."

"I think you need to calm down, Doctor. We had a deal and you will get it in all good time, but for now we need to get into the tomb. In your present state of mind I don't think you can aid us with much of anything,” Leopold said in a calming tone.

"The hell I can't. You're just trying to get me out of the way. Well, think again. I know how to open the door. Unless you can open it yourself, you had better just think about giving me what I want."

"How do propose to do that? It was my understanding Mr. Petrifunck was the only one able to open it,” Leopold stated, motioning for Lewis to slip around the woman.

"No, you give me your word and then I'll tell you."

He held his hand up for Lewis to stop. “Okay, you have my word."

"That's better. You don't need Breathred. You need his blood. When he first opened the door, I made sure I kept the gauze he used to dress the wound. Keeping it in a moist environment, I was able to keep the blood fresh in case the tomb closed, which it did."

"Very astute, doctor. I congratulate you.” Leopold stood, clapping his hands. “And I'll make good on our deal, once the Mother is in my hands."

"But, you said...” Easily started to say.

"I said I would honor our agreement and I shall, but not without the Mother safely in my hands. If my word isn't good enough for you, I will nullify our deal now.” Leopold's features shifted slightly, revealing a totally inhuman countenance that brought her protests to an abrupt end.