Mind Gym (24 page)

Start your turnaround by reinforcing the positive aspects of the other person’s character:

   
•   “I appreciate how much you care about this.”

   
•   “You have been incredibly generous with your time.”

   
•   “I really admire your persistence/patience/application.”

•   “You deserve more appreciation than you’ve had.”

You may ask, “What if my partner truly is passive?” Well, is anybody “truly” anything? Character judgments are always going to be subjective. Opting for a positive interpretation will prevent the argument from turning toxic; it will also help to weatherproof your relationship. Focusing on positive attributions is one of the signs of a healthy, resilient relationship. By using this approach, you’ll quickly shift your mind-set from negative to positive.

In the heat of the moment, we all say things we don’t mean. The challenge is to remember that the person who is yelling at you, right here, right now, is going to say things they don’t mean. Indeed, the more forcefully they hurl abuse at you, the less likely they are to actually mean it. So, imagine yourself wrapped in a protective shield. Nothing can get through it. Watch the insults bounce off it. For the poker players among you, opt to “stick”—you don’t have to raise the stakes to stay in the game.

Some psychotherapists suggest that when we find a particular fault in someone else, it is in fact a fault we are aware of in ourselves. So, when someone accuses you of something, imagine they are describing themselves. Feel sympathy rather than anger. (Similarly, when you reach for an insult to throw at someone, pause and ask yourself,
Why has this matter agitated me so much? Who am I really criticizing?
)

It is often better to not acknowledge an insult than it is to avenge it. That said, the other person obviously wants to be heard, so offer the odd token acknowledgment: “Uh-huh,” “Okay.” Keep your voice neutral and then steer the conversation back to the core issue. Use a question (“Whose advice would you trust on this subject?”) or a statement (“I am unclear how you would like me to rate the options”).

“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me,” we are told. This may be true, but words can certainly turbocharge an argument—particularly these two words: “no” and “but.” We don’t even have to say them; we can roll our eyes, turn away, laugh dismissively, or just storm out and slam the door behind us. They all get the “no” message—our rejection—across loud and clear.

“No” brings the barriers down at the same time as it raises the temperature. The word “but” is just “no” in smarter clothes. They are both powerful poisons.

When things start to get heated, lock the word “no” away in a box and bury it in a deep hole. Think of yourself as a mediator rather than a prosecutor and deliberately opt for moderate language. Aim to build and open up the conversation.

The quickest and easiest way is to use the words “yes . . . and” rather than “no . . . but.” When you hear an idea you don’t like, it’s easy to shut it down immediately with a swift “no.” “Yes” forces you to take a constructive attitude. For example, “Yes, the client might be wrong, and we should get all the facts before we respond” or “Yes, it is an original idea, and we should check whether more of the budget could be available to fund it.”

Once you’ve replaced “no . . . but” with “yes . . . and,” follow up with three things you like about the other person’s suggestion. Then, and only then, address the things you don’t like about their suggestion. To the person on the receiving end, that will sound very different from “three things I don’t like.”

For example, if someone suggests that you sell your car and buy a motorcycle, rather than saying “No, that won’t work for me,” first list three things you like about their suggestion: your commute would be cheaper, a motorcycle would be easier to park, and it would be easier to maneuver through city traffic. Then share the three things you wish were different about their suggestion: “I wish that I could find an alternative that would allow me to carry luggage and stay out of the rain, and that wouldn’t prompt my friends to suggest I was having a midlife crisis.”

This is a powerful strategy on many fronts. Your antagonist side feels listened to; you show that you’re open to finding a solution, and you let the other person know what matters to you, which makes it easier for them to suggest acceptable alternatives. You may even find yourself modifying your position as you explore the pros and cons.

When someone uses this poison with you, all you hear are variations of “no . . . but,” and the discussion grinds to a halt. To get it moving again, reach for questions and suggestions. For example, “What would make you rethink your view on this?” Such a statement is bound to cause your antagonist to pause. They may answer “Nothing,” in which case you can bring the discussion to a polite close. More likely, though, they will offer an olive branch: “If the boss came down here now and said she was sorry.” Whatever their response, you have a chance to discover what lies at the heart of their anger and move toward a solution. Making suggestions will also move the discussion forward. “We can call the client directly; we can set up a conference call with the whole team; we can keep quiet and hope the issue blows over. What other options are there?”

But keep the alternatives genuine. Throwing in an option that is clearly unacceptable is just as toxic as any aggravating phrase. “So, are we all getting on the bus or standing around doing nothing for the rest of the day?” is just plain sarcasm.

When you’re attacked, you obviously want to protect yourself. But taken too far, self-defense can turn into a self-righteous tantrum.
²
It’ll probably sound something like this:

   
•   “I’m not trying to be difficult, but . . .”

   
•   “I’m not disagreeing . . . I’m not shouting . . .”

   
•   “It’s not my fault.”

   
•   “I told you so.”

   
•   “I can’t take any more of this.”

Forget the blame game. Turn your attention elsewhere. When you feel defensive and you hear yourself overusing the word “I,” try to deliberately focus on finding a solution to the disagreement rather than just identifying the cause. Remember, this problem is probably bigger than the both of you.

If you suspect you’re likely to meet with this particular poison (meaning someone is pointing a finger at you), avoid aggravating the person’s defensiveness by steering clear of the word “you.” If the person is agitated, they’ll hear an implicit criticism every time you use it.

Instead—and this time it’s all right—use the word “I” to take ownership and talk from your personal experience. Keep your statements positive: “I am trying to find the best solution,” “I do appreciate that there is a wide range of opinion.” In this way, you’ll avoid making provocative accusations.

If, however, it’s too late and you’re already in the thick of an argument, empathize. You may feel the other person is practicing self-pity; however, they may simply be looking for acknowledgment. Use statements such as “I know it’s not your fault” and “I can see why you feel that you’ve had enough.” Try offering partial acceptance of their position: “You are often proved right.” Or just gently smile (but be careful with this, because it’s easy to look condescending). Staying calm is the most effective way to a quick apology.

When you’re angry, you probably get impatient. You want to speak your piece, and you don’t want to hear what the other person has to say. So, you interrupt and talk over them. In response, they shout over you. You yell back over them; they bellow over you. The volume goes up but neither person actually hears a word being said.

However desperate you are to have your say, you’re almost always better off letting the other person finish having
their
say. If you’re itching to interrupt, try the following tactics:

   
•   Swallow or take a deep breath to avoid speaking.

   
•   Nod to show you are listening.

   
•   Take notes to show you are listening (and to distract yourself from what you’re feeling).

   
•   Keep eye contact (if they think you’re not listening, that will raise the temperature further).

If someone interrupts you once while you are talking, stop. Let them have their say before you start again. If they continue to interrupt, ask them, “What’s the best way for me to respond so that you will listen to my point of view?” or “Can I share my thoughts without interruption?” Note the wording there: “without interruption,” not “without you interrupting me.”

Conflict will happen. Your goal isn’t to become agreeable. Your goal is to not get ugly and to turn arguments into discussions. As you become more skilled at recognizing the signs of each poison and applying the appropriate antidote, you may find the exchange of views frank but rarely ferocious.

What a relief!

GIVE YOUR MIND A WORKOUT

1. Identify the poison you are most familiar with and consider when it is most likely to be used.

2. Employ the advice in this chapter to prevent the poison’s use, but also review the alternative responses in the antidote prescribed for that poison.

3. Fill in this “If . . . then . . .” statement to put your plan into writing and ensure you take action on it, with the “if” as the thing that triggers the conflict and the “then” as your ideal response.

If _________________________, then _________________________.

1. Be honest with yourself and reflect on the poison(s) you’re most guilty of using in your interactions with others. We are all guilty of using at least one, so the more honest you are, the easier it will be to change your ways.

2. Pick someone with whom you’d like a stronger relationship and with whom you’ve used your poison of choice in the past.

3. Start an honest and open conversation with that person about the poison you use and how you’re trying to change.

4. Ask the person how the poison affects them and your relationship. Give them time and space to talk about this (without interruption).

5. Finally, ask for the person’s help in increasing your self-awareness by
gently
pointing out to you the moments when you reach for the poison.

I
think I’m pretty good at my job; my manager’s always finding faults.”

“I want a baby; my wife doesn’t.”

“I need to focus on my career; you want me to spend more time at home.”

“I find you controlling; you find me incompetent.”

“I want to commit; she wants to be free.”

In some relationship dilemmas, there’s a solution that meets everyone’s needs. Others, like the ones just listed, are trickier: The stakes are high, the consequences are terrifying, and the topics are emotionally charged. The answer to these dilemmas isn’t simply to generate more potential solutions. At the heart of these dilemmas are the big problems that cause real relationship damage.

One study found that when couples talk about problems in their relationships, 69 percent of the time the discussion is about an ongoing issue that has been a problem for many years, and 31 percent of the time the issue is related to a specific situation.
¹
Resolution comes about after having the right kind of conversations, which psychologists call “dialogue.”

Dialogue is conversation in which both participants are really listening to each other and actively seeking to resolve an issue, even if they can’t do so immediately. To engage in dialogue you need to understand each other’s perspectives and build upon what each other says. But listening isn’t easy, particularly if the other person is aggressive or a little reluctant to share.
²

When you feel in some way slighted or wronged, it’s very easy either to avoid the situation or to attack it. When you feel you want some sort of resolution, dialogue is critical. Tom and Susie are working parents and find themselves in a situation that seems impossible to overcome. But their dialogue, which illustrates the six main principles of a successful conversation, shows how they can resolve their issue by asking some important questions.

See how the six principles of successful conversations play out in Tom and Susie’s dialogue, which takes place as they are getting ready for bed.

The first question to ask when engaging in a dialogue is
What do I really want?
Having clarity on the answer helps you understand what you should aim for in the conversation. Typically the goal of the dialogue should be to get what you want and maintain a positive relationship. It’s important, then, to uncover your real motivations and desires. Pay attention to how Tom and Susie sort out principle one.