Mind Gym (25 page)
Authors: Sebastian Bailey
Dialogue needs an attitude of empathy, openness, and honesty. It can be tempting to play down a situation, but the gravity of it needs to be shared, along with the desire to find a resolution.
Around a kitchen table cluttered with children’s toys, finger paintings, and three cups of coffee, Susie and Tom are sitting side by side. Jane sits facing them with her arms crossed. Let’s see how they deal with principle two.
Tom:
How was your day?
Jane:
It was okay. We went to the park this afternoon and it rained a bit. We got a little wet
.
Susie:
Did you go to the café in the park? That’s where we usually go when it rains
.
Jane:
Yes, of course
.
Tom:
Jane, Susie asked you to stay a bit later today to talk with us because we can all feel there’s tension between us at the moment. When you first started working for us, we agreed that the most important thing is we keep talking. It feels like we’ve stopped doing that. I know it’s been a bit tricky recently, but we really want to clear the air. So, let’s start talking and listening again. We’d both really like to hear what you’re thinking and feeling
.
In any situation, there are facts and surrounding stories. In a good dialogue, you need to share the facts, tell your story, and listen to the other person’s story. You also need to understand that the other person’s story is as valid as your own.
Tom:
We’d like to share our story. I’m sure there are things we’ve done that have upset you and there are things that have upset us. We’re both confident that with the right conversation we can sort this out
.
Jane:
Definitely. I think it’s important we talk. I’m not sure if that will help though. I really like your children. They’re great fun, spirited, and sparky, but I find everything else pretty tough at the moment
.
Susie:
We definitely want to change things. We think you’ve looked after the children really well over the last few months, but I think we’d all say that something has to change if it is going to continue. We’ve had some really good times, like the trip to the zoo we did a couple of months ago. I’d love it if we could work this out, and I really mean that, but if we can’t, it’s probably better for us to part company. I know that would make Tom, the children, and me very sad though
.
Tom:
Susie, why don’t you tell us a little bit about what you think is going wrong
.
The other person may very well go into retreat or attack mode. If they retreat, dig deeper by asking questions and check whether you understand the situation by paraphrasing or remarking on their reaction (e.g., “I get the impression you’re not very comfortable with this. Can you share what you’re thinking or feeling?”). If they attack, acknowledge their concerns and reconfirm what you’re trying to achieve.
Susie:
Okay. I feel there’s been tension recently. It feels like it’s stemmed from the fact that I’ve been asking you to do quite a few things differently. I was upset that you had put bleach in our washing machine, spilled coffee on the stairs, and changed the furniture around in the boys’ room
.
Jane:
I agree about the tension. To be honest, I’ve been wondering recently whether this is the right job for me
.
Tom:
Is it your job as a babysitter in general or working with us specifically?
Jane:
I’m not sure. Probably a bit of both
.
Tom:
I understand that Susie has asked you to do quite a few things differently recently. I can imagine that must be slightly demoralizing
.
Like a battle, there is a temptation for both parties to retreat and attack over the course of the conversation. Remaining even-tempered can be very hard, particularly if you feel wronged or attacked yourself. If you feel yourself going into a retreat or an attack, ask yourself how you’d behave if you really wanted the situation resolved and try to see why the other person might be saying what they are saying.
Jane:
Yes, it is demoralizing. I find it difficult to be constantly told what I’m doing wrong. For example, the other day when I was going out you asked me three times whether I had the right stuff in the children’s bags, and then you checked them yourself anyway. I find the rule about not having anyone else in the house while you’re out over the top. I have friends who take care of children, and it would be good to have them over for a playdate, rather than always having to go out. I get told everything, from the temperature setting to use on the washing machine to when I should and shouldn’t use bleach, plus you ask questions about coffee stains on the carpet—which I don’t think was me, by the way. It all amounts to me feeling pretty worn down. I know how to take care of kids, and sometimes it feels like you don’t recognize that fact. I feel like I’m not trusted and I’m not doing a good job. And that’s hard. I shouldn’t have put bleach in the washing machine or moved the furniture in the boys’ bedroom, and I understand that you have very high standards, and I like that. But I feel we should keep these things in perspective, particularly when I’m doing lots of other things really well
.
Susie:
I can understand why you feel this way. I understand that the frequent requests and reprimands are irritating, particularly because you’re well qualified. I know I have high standards and I want the best for my family. I take great care with everything I do at home, so when I think something has been done without much care, I get really frustrated
.
Jane:
I do really understand that. And I want to make the best of it. I really like looking after your children and working with you both
.
In some situations, a solution may emerge. In others, it won’t. What is possible, as in this scenario, is that people can find a way to talk about the situation and what to do if it happens again. It may take some time for all the parties involved to come up with something that works, but the only way a solution can emerge is if everyone is able to talk, listen, and understand one another.
Tom:
Okay, so what do we do about this?
Susie:
Well, for a start, why don’t we say that you can have your friends here during the day, if they are looking after other children? Our original thought was not to have people over whom we didn’t know, but if it’s to see other babysitters for playdates, that makes sense
.
Jane:
That’d be great. I’ll also make an effort to be even more careful, and if you tell me that I’m doing something wrong, I’ll do my best to see it as you being careful about your home as opposed to criticizing my professional competence
.
Susie:
And I’ll make an effort to be less picky. Would it be better for me to save my feedback and talk once a week or would you prefer that I give you feedback there and then?
Jane:
Probably there and then. But if you see something good, it’d be nice to hear that too
.
Tom:
Great. I’m really pleased we’ve sorted that out
.
Susie:
Me too
.
It’s true: tough conversations can be some of the most intimidating challenges in your life. But they don’t need to be. Next time you have to navigate a difficult discussion, remember the six principles described in this chapter:
1. Focus on what you want for yourself and the other person.
2. Get yourself in the right frame of mind.
3. Share your story and ask for theirs.
4. Help them avoid retreats and attacks.
5. Control your own retreats and attacks.
6. Create a plan of action.
Many of us will avoid difficult conversations at any cost—often ruining a relationship and building up resentment. Don’t. These conversations can, if handled correctly, add the most value and trust to your relationships.
GIVE YOUR MIND A WORKOUT
1. Listen for when other people attack or retreat; this can be done anywhere. See how skilled you can get at hearing these reactions. Sometimes it’s obvious (e.g., shouting, walking away), but most of the time it’s more subtle. Aim to increase your awareness of these subtle cues.
2. Think about how you would create a dialogue that turns things around. Some ideas to get you started:
• If you spot an attack, empathize, summarize, acknowledge that what the person is saying is valid, and remain calm.
• For a retreat, ask prompting questions, such as, “Are you finding this difficult?” Or state how you’d feel: “If I was in your position, I think I’d feel frustrated. Is that something you feel?”
1. Think about someone you’ve had a recurring problem with where dialogue might help.
2. Plan your dialogue strategy using the steps in this chapter and the following questions:
• When and where will you initiate a dialogue?
• What will be your approach?
• What is your plan for avoiding retreats/attacks?
• How will you know if you’ve succeeded?
3. After you’ve had the dialogue, answer these questions:
• What did you do well?
• What could you have done better?
• What will you do differently next time?
Take the Drama Out of Relationships
Y
our partner arrives home late one evening. The first thing you hear out of their mouth is “I’ve had a very, very bad day.” Of course, you listen sympathetically while they unload their frustration. You offer them a drink to calm their nerves. They don’t want one. You make some suggestions as to how they might resolve their situation. Your ideas are dismissed as impossible, ill informed, or just plain wrong. Still trying to make things better, you offer them food. They’re not hungry. You ask if they want to watch a light-hearted movie. How could they possibly laugh at a time like this? Finally, you suggest that things might seem better in the morning—and you propose going to bed early. Wrong move. Don’t you realize that they are going to be up half the night sorting out this mess? In fact, don’t you understand anything? Obviously you don’t. So, they decide to go for a walk, taking the opportunity to slam the door on their way out.
Now it’s you who needs a drink. You feel dejected and annoyed.
As you sip your extra-strong drink, you ask yourself,
How did that happen—again?
Something similar happened yesterday when you tried to help your friend who’s going through a divorce. It also happened last week when you struggled to cheer up your coworker after his book was rejected by yet another publisher. Come to think of it, this seems to be happening all too frequently. The subject changes with each conversation, but the routine is depressingly familiar: You want to help someone and end up feeling rejected. You end up being the bad guy.
Are you unlucky or is this something you’re doing? Are you to blame? Surprisingly, the answer is yes. It’s you. But that is good news—because it means you can change.
In the film
Groundhog Day
, Phil Connors (played by actor Bill Murray) repeats the same day again and again. Even when he commits suicide, it makes no difference—he still wakes up the next morning and has to live through the same day, which he knows is a repeat but everyone else is living for the first time. The only way out, he finally discovers, is to love someone else more than himself.
Most of us have
Groundhog Day
–like arguments, or at least patterns of behavior that repeat, regardless of what we do to stop them. What’s so frustrating is that often you don’t realize you’re back in the old routine until it’s too late—until he storms out or she slams the phone down or you find yourself skulking in the boss’s office and feeling angry and foolish. Again.
So, why do you repeat these dreary and painful routines? There are two main reasons. First, you don’t recognize what’s going on; it’s just never crossed your mind that you’re engaging in the same argument over and over. Second, these patterns, in a slightly perverse way, provide you with the stimulus you need: they’re familiar, they confirm your worldview (
No one appreciates me; See, I knew it would end like this
), and they give you an emotional “fix” (even though it’s a negative one), which proves you still matter. For example, when a friend of ours told her father that she was pregnant, her father simply responded by saying, “I should’ve guessed by your weight gain.” This insensitive response is probably driven by the father’s need to prove to himself that, even with the arrival of a new generation, his daughter is still concerned with his opinion. On a subconscious level, the father wasn’t sure that he could get a positive emotional response, but he knew he could get a negative one. So he did.
American psychotherapist Eric Berne wrote a seminal book about these
Groundhog Day
–like moments called
Games People Play
.
1
Berne calls these toxic routines “transactions” or “games.” After extensive research, he concluded that we play these games in an attempt to get attention (which he calls “strokes”) from another person. Basically, we’re looking to confirm our role in a given relationship. That role might be negative, and even painful, but it’s one we feel comfortable with. It’s the role that confirms our beliefs about ourselves and the other person. When we find a game that delivers the goods, we keep on playing it, over and over.
This game playing isn’t always obvious. The motivations are hidden in your subconscious. To a casual observer, you may be having a rather dull disagreement about how to load the dishwasher. Indeed that’s probably what you think you are doing too. It’s only when the ordinary argument leaves you feeling utterly wretched that you get an inkling you’re playing for much higher stakes.