Mind Gym (22 page)

However delicately your counsel is expressed, it can feel like a personal attack to the other person. So, it is important to make sure you encourage them to think positively about themselves to bolster their identity, maybe even stroke their ego a bit: “You are a great host,” “You are loved by your friends,” “You do tell the best stories of anyone I know,” “You are usually so entertaining at dinner.”

Discuss what to do to recover the situation and reduce the chances of it happening again: “It only goes wrong when you have been drinking on an empty stomach, and we did have to wait forever to get our food. What if, next time, you don’t drink anything until after we eat?”

If you can get the other person to come up with solutions themselves, then there is a greater chance they will follow up and behave differently the next time. Of course, a few well-versed suggestions may ease the path. If the conversation goes well, it may be worth praising them for coming up with a great plan for next time.

If you focus on following the five-star counsel sequence in this order, there is a risk that you may come across as awkward and not all that sincere. It’s better to think of the five points as a list to cover during a conversation instead of a step-by-step guide. This will help reduce any awkwardness. To make your counseling “click,” you need to make it feel like you and the person to whom you are offering the constructive criticism are on the same team. This requires empathy. If the other person feels that you empathize with their situation, then they are much more likely to listen and agree with everything else you have to say.

Understanding the different aspects of praise and counsel is the foundation for success—but like so many things in life, these aspects are not as simple as they first appear. Further techniques and situations need deeper exploration.

Explicitly giving praise or counsel greatly reduces the chances of a misunderstanding. Sometimes, however, it can feel like you’re making a big deal out of a situation. You want to say something that will make an impact, but you also want to be subtle. On these occasions, share your views implicitly. The predictability of this approach is less certain and the risk of it going wrong is much higher, but when a gentle nudge is all that is needed, a low-key technique, deftly applied, can have the right effect. Here are four ways to give implicit praise and counsel.

Nursery rhymes are a traditional way of warning children about what to avoid or how not to behave. Aesop’s Fables are designed to do the same thing for adults. Stories are an underused communication tool and a singularly powerful way of making a truth acceptable without having to address it head-on: “I remember when a new recruit arrived, fresh from college, all full of enthusiasm and determination to make a good impression and get promoted fast. However, this guy—Bill—became really frustrated when he didn’t get promoted right away. But you know what? He stuck with it and ended up getting a far more interesting, and better, job because of his tenacity.”

Third-party endorsements are a great way of praising someone with less risk of embarrassment for both that person and you: “Anne told me that she’s really impressed with how your work has improved.” By sharing the endorsement, everyone’s a winner. It’s easier for the person in question to accept the comment, the third party (Anne) looks great, and, as the messenger of the compliment, you look good too.

Humor can be a gentle way of letting people know what you think. It lightens the mood and can deflect a too-earnest conversation. Nevertheless, humor is one of the most high-risk techniques for praise and counsel, because it can go horribly wrong. What you may have intended to be funny can sound, on the receiving end, deliberately mean or nasty.

We all use nonverbal communication to give counsel implicitly. A raised eyebrow, silence in response to a question, and a roll of the eyes are all ways you can implicitly convey that someone would be better off behaving differently. To the same extent, a thumbs-up, wink, or nod can implicitly deliver praise. The danger with communicating nonverbally is that it can be overinterpreted: “I could tell from her expression that she really hates me.” It also doesn’t give the other person much to work with: “He gave me a thumbs-up, but I don’t know if it’s because I did a great job or he simply likes my new haircut.”

A technique commonly referred to is the feedback “sandwich.” What this means is giving praise (“You’ve done a great job with the project plan”), then counsel (“You have upset several people in the team who feel that you are not listening to them”), and then more praise (“I think you’re going to have a stellar third quarter due to your organizational skills and your ability to get your team back on board”). The idea is to cushion the blow of counsel with praise so the counsel is more likely to be well received and acted upon.

In reality, however, the feedback sandwich will probably have the opposite effect.
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The praise is either devalued, because the other person believes you were giving it only to dilute the counsel, or ignored, because all the person hears is the criticism. In performance reviews at work, people will often overlook a list of things they are doing well and only pay attention to the things they should improve on. If praise and counsel are given at different times, each is more likely to resonate and be remembered. If you’re concerned that a counsel conversation will end up falling flat, put more energy into the solution-seeking section of the conversation. It’s here that you can be upbeat and positive and rebuild a person’s confidence.

The challenge with praise (as with so many things) is keeping it up. If you give someone lots of praise and then suddenly stop, they are likely to assume that they aren’t doing so well, when it may just be that you have forgotten to continue with praise or your attention is elsewhere. A little praise regularly is better than a lot of praise and then silence.

There is a story of a middle brother who felt throughout his childhood that his parents preferred his elder and younger brothers. The brothers, as well as all the boy’s friends, assured him that he was being overly sensitive, but he still felt he was the least loved.

When an aunt died and left the boys some family heirlooms, the parents had to divide the objects up between the three of them. The middle brother, even though he had received the same value of inheritance as the other two, shouted at his parents, “You always preferred both of them to me,” and burst into tears. The mother looked in shock to the father and then turned back to her son and said, “Oh, darling, has it really been that obvious?”

The mother’s reaction, of course, is shocking. How could she say such a horrible thing? Did she mean it? Sadly, she did. The middle brother had discerned that he was the least favorite son despite his parents’ efforts to hide it. How and how often his parents praised their sons and how and when his parents criticized them sent messages that were impossible to dispute.

These comparisons happen all the time within groups. With a group of peers, be it your children or members of your team at work, it is vital to treat them on equal terms. It is not enough to give praise and counsel effectively to each member of the group; you also need to be consistent across the group.

As mentioned earlier, for praise and counsel to have a positive impact, the number one condition is to do it for the benefit of the other person rather than yourself. The more you keep this condition in the forefront of your mind, the greater your chances of being consistent and predictable with your praise.

When it comes to telling people what you think of them, predictability is critical. Many managers believe that by behaving hot and cold toward their employees, they keep the team on their toes. But when feedback is dependent on the mood of the person giving it, people stop trying to improve and focus instead on anticipating the unpredictable person’s reactions. Soon, the praise and counsel are meaningless, because the employees believe “He’s only saying that because he’s in a good mood.”

Different folks, as the saying goes, require different strokes. Although this might be partially true, it doesn’t mean you should give up on figuring out the right ratio of praise to counsel. Some people need more praise, while others may actually seek constructive feedback. As a rough guide, the lowest ratio you should offer is one to one—one praise to one counsel—but in most cases, praise should be significantly more frequent.

You can get the best out of people by learning how, when, and how frequently to praise and counsel. And it’s something you can start doing right now.

GIVE YOUR MIND A WORKOUT

1. Every day for the next week listen for someone praising you or praising someone else, either in your life, on the radio, or on TV.

2. Each time you hear praise, rank it based on the five-star approach. For example, which of the elements did the praise include? And how did the recipient respond? By the end of the week, you will find it much easier to tell why some praise is more effective than others.

3. Repeat the ranking exercise for counsel, allocating up to five stars for each constructive criticism you hear someone giving, based on the steps outlined earlier.

1. Every day for a week commit to praising someone when you wouldn’t normally have bothered. On the first day of that week, one-star praise is good enough. But each day after that add an extra star to the praise you give, so by the end of the week you should have given someone five-star praise.

2. In week two, give four- or five-star praise to someone every day. You will quickly create a habit of praise by doing this. Enjoy it, and watch how people repeat the great things you are praising them for.

1. Write down all the things you’ve wanted to say to a person (or several people) but haven’t. Commit to at least once a week telling that person what you want to say but doing so only when you think it will help them. It’s probably wise to start with things that aren’t too tightly linked to their self-perception and identity (it’s easier to get someone to put dishes into the dishwasher, for example, than to make a mean person generous).

2. Before you give your (unsolicited) counsel, answer the following questions:

   
•   What do I want to tell this person?

   
•   How will this person be better off as a result?

   
•   When am I going to tell him/her?

   
•   Where?

   
•   Who else, if anyone, will be around?

   
•   Am I likely to be interrupted?

3. Finally, prepare for your conversation by answering a few more questions:

   
•   What am I going to say to set the context for this person?

   
•   What specifically went wrong?

   
•   How can I express this objectively?

   
•   What were the implications?

   
•   How can I explain these implications without appearing to put my own slant on things?

   
•   What are some of the things this person could do to recover the situation and/or prevent repeating the same unhelpful behavior?

•   What questions am I going to ask to help the person decide on their own solutions?

If you still feel unsure about the outcome of offering counsel, find someone with whom you can practice. Tell your practice partner to respond in a variety of ways so you can prepare for a full range of possible reactions.

I
T’S UNAVOIDABLE. It’s not comfortable. And it’s something all of us could learn to handle better: conflict.

Let’s face it. You might have experienced tough conversations in the past, with either someone you really care about or someone you can’t stand, and the tension gets to a point where you wish the ground would simply open up and swallow you whole (or at least the person you’re arguing with). And since this isn’t likely, you need to find other ways to resolve the conflict.

Of course, conflict is something most of us would prefer to avoid. However, after reading this part of the book, you’ll understand just how much of a positive influence conflict has, and can have, on your life, on your relationships, and at the office. Yes, it’s true. You need conflict in order to progress in life. You need to share and hear different viewpoints. You need to disagree in order to learn other people’s points of view as well as where we each draw the line.

Conflict exposes your boundaries. It helps relationships move forward. It creates better solutions at work—many innovations are the derivatives of disagreements.

Yet an unresolved conflict can create turmoil in your life. This part examines conflict on three different levels, all of which can help you manage and actually benefit from one of life’s most common stressors.

In “Detox Your Relationships,” you’ll discover how to better handle situations and what language to use, so you can have positive discussions instead of nasty arguments. You’ll get to know the right words to say, the words to avoid, and the words to listen for in any disagreement. You’ll find out how not to generalize, interrupt, play the blame game, and other common nasty tactics we all fall victim to during conflict. And you’ll learn how to transform your disagreements into positive steps forward—where both parties actually feel happy about the outcome of your discussion and disagreement.