Mind Gym (35 page)

When we get distressed, we often ask ourselves the wrong questions, if we ask any questions at all. By asking the right questions, you can get to the heart of why you are distressed. And once you know this, you can take the appropriate action to reduce the distress.

So, what are the right questions? Well, they’re not the ones in which you start beating yourself up about the situation (e.g.,
How could I have been so stupid? What made me think I could cope with this?
) Instead, the questions to ask are straightforward and involve doing something practical. Questions (and answers) like these:

•   What is the real cause of my stress? (I might miss the wedding, as opposed to being a few minutes late.)

•   What could I do to reduce the demands of the situation? (Maybe I should call ahead and try to get the wedding moved back an hour.)

•   What alternative ways are there to address the cause of my stress? (I should look at a map and see if I can turn off at the next exit and find another route.)

•   What can I do to increase my resources? (I could call a traffic hotline to find out what is causing the delay and how long I might be waiting here.)

•   What can others do to help? (While I am listening to the traffic hotline, someone at the wedding can alert the minister that people are going to be late.)

•   What should I do and in what sequence? (I should call my father first and explain the situation to see if there is any way the start of the wedding can be delayed. Next, I’ll call the traffic hotline to see how long the delay is likely to be. Finally, I’ll call Fred and Chris to see if they are in the same situation.)

In our original wedding example, Anne discovers one of those perfect circles in order to cope with stress. By getting things done, she is able to keep calm. And by keeping calm, she is able to get things done. But however smart Anne is in coping with the situation, she could still be smarter by asking herself two more questions, once the wedding is over:

•   Is this cause of stress, or something similar, likely to happen again?

•   If so, what can I do to prepare for it?

By learning from your experiences, you can start to build up your stress immune system, which means that you are less likely to experience distress in the future, or at least you’ll be better equipped to deal with it when you do.

You can either accept the demands and pressures that people put on you or you can challenge them. Sometimes confronting the issue head- on is the best way of reducing the distress you feel. For example, you might tell a coworker, “I know I said we’d meet this afternoon, but I’m afraid I can’t any longer.” By confronting the issue head-on, quite often you’ll discover the situation is not as bad as you first thought.

A common situation this tactic helps with is in your relationship with your boss. You desire not to look weak in front of him or her, and you try to carry on as if nothing is wrong. The truth is, it’s far better to let your boss know how you feel. Nine times out of ten they will respect you more for being honest.

Reading this section might raise your awareness of aspects of your life that you need to deal with. Maybe you feel with some aspects it’s already too late. Or maybe a situation has just arisen. Either way, it’s good to create a game plan—a strategy of stressbusters.

Imagine the following situation:

For a week I put off opening the letter from the bank. I finally decide to look inside and see how bad the situation is. Oh my goodness, they must have made a mistake! I know I’ve been spending a lot on my credit card, but this is crazy. It can’t be right, can it? What am I going to do?

They’ll stop my card. I won’t be able to keep up with my mortgage payments. They’ll repossess the house and I’ll go bankrupt. It’ll be virtually impossible to borrow ever again.

I should have opened the bank letter when it arrived. By not responding quickly, I’ve made the situation even worse. And now I’m late for my class at the gym. Not that I’m going to be able to concentrate properly, not while I’m worrying about this . . .

It’s a tough and potentially scary situation. The question is, What is the best way to deal with it? Before reading on, it might be worth skimming back through the nine stressbusters and deciding which you think would be most useful in this case. There is no “right” answer, but here are some suggestions:

Let’s be realistic. I’m a long way off having my house repossessed. The worst scenario in the short term is that I can’t withdraw cash or write checks for a week or two. Well, I never write checks anyway, and I’ll just use one of my other credit cards if things get tight.

It’s not all bad. I have a good job that is relatively secure. I’m healthy and fit. The sun is shining, and I’ve just come back from a fantastic vacation.

It’s not like I haven’t been in this situation before. I was deeply in debt when I left college and I managed to pay that off eventually. If I can do it once, I’m sure I can do it again.

I’ll call Jim. His wife works in a bank and he may be able to find out how these things work.

What is the real cause of my stress? In the short term, I might not be able to cover a round of beers at the bar. In the medium term, I might not be able to pay my mortgage and my house might be repossessed. What if the bank has made a mistake? I should check the letter thoroughly and call them if I have any questions.

What can I do to cut my costs? I won’t eat out for the next few weeks. I will cancel my cable TV subscription. What can I do to increase my income? I can rent out the spare room if the mortgage becomes a problem. I also have some stocks—I could cash some of those in. What can I do to keep the bank off my back? I could write to them and let them know what I am doing to address the situation.

Once I’ve done all this, I’ll go to the gym—maybe tomorrow—and lose myself totally in a class and not think about my debts again until afterward.

This combination of stressbusters is just one suggested strategy for approaching this situation. Of course, there are others that would be equally useful. And what they should show is this: each of the nine stressbusters is great by itself, but they are most effective when combined to deal with the stress of a situation.

This chapter is filled with stressbusters to cope with a situation once your stress levels are already up. But there is another way to look at dealing with stress: Attack it before it actually occurs. If you can teach yourself what the telltale signs are of getting stressed, you can take preemptive action and stop the stress before it ever starts. There are two kinds of early warning systems for distress: trip wires and alarm calls.

Your shoulders get tense. You can’t sit down for more than a minute before you are up again, and you pace back and forth. You chew the end of the pen until it, like you, is a gnarly mess.

Whatever mannerisms or habits surface when you are stressed, it’s your job to spot them. And when you see them arising, pause, think about your situation, and take the necessary steps before the distress occurs.

We all recognize signs that our partner, colleague, or child is about to have an emotional reaction. If you can recognize signs in them, they can do the same for you. Alarm calls are like trip wires except instead of recognizing your own stress habits, other people point them out for you. The people who know you best can warn you when you’re about to get into a dangerous or distressed state. Yes, you may have to ask nicely to get them to tell you, but it’s invaluable to have someone on the lookout.

After all, tapping someone on the arm and saying “Be careful, now; I think you are about to lose it” may be exactly what tips someone over the edge. To make the best use of your alarm calls, don’t just ask friends, colleagues, or family members to warn you when they think you are heading into emotionally troubled waters but also suggest how they can tell you. Maybe they could open a bottle of expensive wine or give you a neck massage. The point is to agree on a simple way of warning you without prompting an overreaction, and everyone will benefit.

Stress comes in all shapes and sizes. It affects each of us differently. And each of us will prefer to combat stress in different ways. The good news is that you don’t have to let it overrun your life. Call on the nine stressbusters. The more you practice them, the better you’ll become at regaining control and giving yourself some relief.

GIVE YOUR MIND A WORKOUT

1. Think about a recent event in your live that really stressed you out.

2. Use the strategies in this chapter to come up with better ways you could have handled the situation.

How could you have thought about it differently?______________

How could you have reacted differently?______________

What would have been the impact?______________

1. Think about a
recurring
stress in your life, and analyze the trip wires and alarm calls that are also recurring.

Trip wires: ________________________________________________

Alarm calls: _______________________________________________

2. Now think about what occurs before, during, and after this recurring stressor. What stressbusters can you put in place to manage your reaction?

Before the stressor:________________________________________

During the stressor:_________________________________________

After the stressor:_________________________________________

B
y this point in the book, you’ve learned a lot of new ways to exercise your mind. Now it’s time to learn how to relax. Yes, it sounds simple. But due to our high-speed culture, constant connection to technology, and stressful lifestyles, you might be surprised by how many people struggle to relax. And if you think you’re not a person who struggles, you might also be surprised to find out that by reading this chapter, you could experience a deeper level of relaxation. The human mind and body are equipped with some powerful tools: breathing and visualization. Use them correctly and you can send yourself on a vacation from stress any time you choose.

Breathing is less fattening than eating a tub of ice cream. It won’t give you a hangover like a bottle of wine. It is less exhausting than an hour on the treadmill at the gym. And it’s less expensive than an afternoon of shopping. Breathing is free, simple, and, if used properly, can instantly calm you down when life gets to be too much.

Consider the saying “Take a deep breath and count to ten.” Most of us understand that statement to mean we should pause before we do something that we might later regret. What is often forgotten is the “deep breath” part of the sentence, yet it is of equal, if not greater, benefit.

When you feel distressed, you breathe in a manner called “chest” breathing. The focus, as the name implies, is around your chest: Your breathing becomes shallow, irregular, and rapid. Less air is able to reach your lungs, and this in turn leads to an increased heart rate and greater muscle tension. However, it’s not just distressing situations that create this physical situation. Chest breathing is also common when you are inactive. Take for instance many peoples’ lives—and posture—at the office. Sitting at a desk and working at a computer encourages a breathing style that actually increases stress rather than helps you to unwind.

The alternative to chest breathing is a form of breathing known as “diaphragmatic” breathing. Rather than the emphasis being on your chest, you breathe with your diaphragm—a membrane that separates your lungs from your digestive system. The diaphragm is naturally taut and expands when you breathe in, then gently moves back into place when you breathe out.

While chest breathing is shallow, irregular, and rapid, diaphragmatic breathing is deep, even, and loose. It allows the respiratory system to work as effectively as possible. (It does this by using the full amount of oxygen to oxygenate the bloodstream, which helps waste products like carbon dioxide be removed.) Chest breathing leads to increased heart rate and muscle tension; diaphragmatic breathing lowers your heart rate and normalizes your blood pressure.

The goal is to learn (and remember) to breathe using your diaphragm. If you do, you can gain control, choosing to position your body in a state closer to relaxation rather than to stress.

The first step is to become aware of the way you breathe. To do this, lie on the floor or sit in a relaxed posture in a chair, legs uncrossed. Place your right hand on your abdomen or stomach, just above your waistline, and your left hand on your chest. Close your eyes and notice how you are breathing. Which hand is rising and falling as you inhale and exhale?

Most of the time, adults breathe with their chests (so your left hand will move more than your right hand). Now try pushing out your stomach as you breathe so that you feel your right hand moving instead of your left. Can you feel the difference between the two types of breathing? At first it might seem strange to be pushing out your stomach to breathe, but after a while it will become more natural and less forced. Try not to make the breathing jerky or use your stomach muscles too much. Instead, allow your diaphragm to take over. Find a gentle rhythm and continue to do this for a couple of minutes. Soon the rhythm will feel comfortable—almost like you’re not trying.

To understand the effect distress has on your breathing, try to think of something stressful, like being stuck in a traffic jam when you are late for a date. Most people who practice these exercises will find that their diaphragmatic breathing automatically reverts to chest breathing—in other words, their left hand starts to move more.