Microsoft Word - At Last A Life Final Copy 16-03-09 (6 page)

a childhood event, possibly emotional or physical abuse or, as in my

case, substance abuse or withdrawal. They can be caused by many

different factors but, however they develop, they need to be

addressed in the same way. They can rule a person’s life to such an

extent that the person becomes unable to do what other people take

for granted - a simple trip to the shops can become an ordeal - and

can rob them of their very freedom.

The reason I only suffered one full blown panic attack is because I

understood them and was not afraid of the feelings. Some people

are not so lucky and may see their life become more and more

restricted, not knowing why they feel so dreadful when they try and

do things that other people take for granted. Understanding why you

feel like you do is the way forward to recovery. It is the very ‘not

knowing’ that brings our fear of how we feel, thus creating more

panic. At times, we are merely scared of what might happen next.

Below I will explain why at first you may have felt panicky and try to

reassure you that nothing bad is going to happen to you. I will also

tell you how to deal with your subsequent feelings of panic.

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Feel the fear and do it anyway

You may have come across this saying before, but it’s a very

important statement and one that I feel needs explaining fully as it

helped me so much through my own recovery.

You may have reached the stage where you dread going to social

events for fear of feeling panicky, or just meeting a friend in the

street for fear of making a fool of yourself. In some cases, just going

to the shops can create feelings of panic.

It’s not what will happen to you that sends you running back home,

it’s the
fear
of what may happen. There is one thing I want to get

across to you very early and that is: in order to recover and move

forward from feelings of panic, then we have to feel them. This is

how I came through and how everyone I have helped in the past has

been able to overcome these feelings. If we run away, not going

here and avoiding there in case we feel panic, then we have little

hope of overcoming them. In the past, many people have said: ‘You

know what, I am sick of this fear holding me back, from now on I no

longer care, whatever is lying at the other side I want to feel it’. I was

the same, I was no longer going to avoid, but allow these feelings to

come and I soon found out that they only had the power I gave

them. I remember the first time I did not run for the door to escape

and as soon as it hit a peak it calmed, I did not collapse, faint or run

around wildly. Then in the future if I ever felt a little nervous or

panicky it was fine, I was no longer scared or bothered by these

feelings.

I did this many times, refusing to run away or avoid and sometimes I

felt nothing and other times a little panic and then nothing, the whole

point though was to not care if these feelings came or not. They

were not harmful and always calmed, so bring them on. Before I

never had the chance to find out where these feelings would take

me as I ran away from them, but I understood this was my normal

body mechanism, the fight or flight we are all born with.

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Why do we first feel panic?

When we have a cold, we know the symptoms and we don't worry

about them. We may have a headache or an upset tummy, but we

don’t have a problem with that; we all get them from time to time. But

what happens when, for no apparent reason, we experience the

feeling of panic for the first time? AGGGHHHH … No-one told us

about this, so this really must be something bad. You have no-one

you can really talk to about this, but: “Oh my God, what happened

there? Well, think about it this way: If you came face to face with a

dangerous dog that you feared in the street, your heart would race

and start beating very fast. You would feel panicky and very

uncomfortable. But when it was all over, you would start to relax and

your body would return to normal. No problem there. You would

expect to feel like this in that situation, who wouldn’t? But, this is

different - you felt panicky for no reason - WHY?

Imagine a cup that is gradually being topped up with water until

eventually it fills up and cannot hold any more, so it overflows. If you

are stressed or worrying over a long period of time, be it through

bereavement, relationship break-up or long term problems,

adrenalin is constantly being released into your system until

eventually it overflows. Suddenly, wham, you feel panicky for no

apparent reason when, in fact, your body is actually protecting itself

and releasing that overflow of worry and stress that has been

building up over the previous weeks/months. My actual overflow was

all the stress and worry about my initial anxiety. This is the reason I

first suffered with any issues of panic – my anxiety became my

problem. If I had just lived with it and not worried and stressed about

it daily, then the cup would have not overflowed and I would have

been just left with my feelings of anxiety.

Now if you had been told the above at school or by your parents,

you would still have felt panicky, but, you would have been able to

say to yourself, “Hey, I have been grieving/worrying for a while now

and this is just an overflow of adrenalin”. But because nobody does

warn you, you tell yourself that this must be serious. You go home

and question everything that happened to you and you can't

understand it. Not only that, but you then start worrying that it will

happen again. “Oh no, what if I feel like that again?” you say to

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yourself. Now you really are caught in a trap because your whole

day/week is going to be lived in fear of another feeling of panic

coming. You might as well have a big hat on that says, “Panic,

please come again”, because fear brings panic and your day is

going to be full of fear. The more the cup fills, the more you fill it with

“Oh, my God, what if? What’s happening to me”? This continues all

day, every day, and all because of that one day when your body was

just releasing an overflow of adrenalin.

Now what? Your mind starts racing around and all the worrying

thoughts come rushing in. “I might panic when I go out, and what if I

see someone I know? Now I am going to stop in. I am safe within

these four walls.” The only difference inside these four walls is your

attitude -THAT’S ALL. You don't worry inside, so you feel a lot

better. But, oh dear, when you go out, off you go again:

“Oh, I don’t know if I can do it”.

“What if”?

“No, I can’t do it”,

“I’m going back”, I am safe here”

These statements can be the first step towards never going out at

all. Believe me, more often than not all of this was caused by the

events of that one day and not having an understanding of what was

happening the first time you felt like this. If only someone had

explained to you exactly what was happening, you could have been

spared all those years of suffering - so simple, but true
.
My own

recovery from these feelings of panic came because I understood

what was happening and I began to lose my fear of how I felt.

Eventually if just turned into a feeling that I was no longer bluffed

into running away from.

This is the stage you really need to reach, where you no longer fear

another attack - easier said than done when all you may have done

so far is avoid and run away from how you feel. Although I only had

one severe attack, I had many episodes where I wanted to run away

or escape. I remember a being on a flight where I was really poorly

on the way out. Flying had never bothered me in the past and I had

no problem with this. But I was extremely poorly on this flight and

just wanted to get off. I really thought I was going to faint. I finally

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reached my destination and was poorly for 4 days and had to see a

local doctor. Well, on the way back, I was in the airport and I started

with all the ‘What if I feel poorly again’ I became so anxious that I

reached the point where I said to my partner ‘I can’t get on’. After

speaking to a lady representing the aircraft company, I was told that

the plane would have to be held up while they pulled my baggage

off. Then all of a sudden I thought: “if I don’t fly, then once again I

am giving in to how I feel. Whatever happens, happens”. So I just

got on that plane and I flew back with no problems at all. Fear did

surface a little as I stepped on, but I just thought ‘come on then, I

don’t care’. I arrived at my destination and was so proud of myself

for having passed through all those negative thoughts. Fear

surfaced, but it died down as it always does. It was only adrenalin

being released into my system and could not harm me. That day

gave me so much confidence for the future and it was better just to

see it through and discover that there really was nothing to fear.

I used to feel very uncomfortable in social situations, but always

stayed put and allowed myself to feel anything. What was the worst

thing that could happen anyway? I knew that if I felt uncomfortable it

didn’t matter, I could cope. It was just a feeling, something I had

been through many times before. As time goes by everything

becomes easier and as you allow yourself to go through difficult

situations over and over again, you gain the confidence of knowing

that nothing will happen.

It is important to accept that the feelings you feel are caused by

excess adrenalin and I will say this again because this is all it is, a

release of adrenalin. Your body may be sensitised, which is why you

may get a stronger reaction to this release of excess adrenalin than

a healthy body, but that truly is all it is.

The technique is to come out of your safety zone and try to see

panic through without attempting to control it or put a stop to it and

just go with the feelings. Let your hands shake. Let yourself feel

unbalanced. Allow your heart to beat if it wishes. All that’s

happening is your body is releasing adrenalin, creating a feeling that

can do you no harm. Are you really willing to let a feeling dominate

your life?

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When you start to move towards these feelings and say “Okay,

come on, do your worst. Do what you have to do, I no longer care”,

you stop adding fear to fear. Instead of avoiding or running away, I

used to say: “Okay, I am not going to get in your way. Just get on

with it as I am very busy today” and to my surprise nothing really

happened. Fear rose purely through habit and then died down. I

thought: ‘Is that it? Is that what I have been running away from and

avoiding for so long?’ When I started to do this I soon realised there

was no dark place in which I would lose control
.
This can take

practice and I am not pretending it is easy, but it is the way forward.

The key point to remember is that when the fear ‘peaks’ and you feel

the need to escape, the need to escape just comes from your in built

fight or flight mechanism. I just went against these instincts to

escape, as there was nothing to run away from. I stayed put or

carried on with what I was doing and after the peak, there was

always calm - nothing happened. What confidence that gave me for

the future. I knew that if I felt like that again I could cope and my

confidence just grew and grew. I am not telling you to go here and

there, putting yourself in every difficult situation straight away. Small

strides will do at first, as long as you go out with the attitude that you

are going to allow yourself to feel any feelings that may surface, not

caring if they do or they don’t. If you do this, you will have dealt with

yourself and not the situation you find yourself in. In time it will not

matter where you find yourself and every situation will be like all the

others. You will realise for the first time that you do have some

control over the way you feel and that there is hope of overcoming

these feelings. ‘Feel them and be free’ was always my motto.