Microsoft Word - At Last A Life Final Copy 16-03-09 (7 page)

To expand on this, I once watched a T.V programme that caught my

attention. The program started with a woman who had been burgled

and met the person face to face. Two years down the line she never

went out, was constantly living in fear and suffered with

anxiety/panic etc. This was having a terrible impact on her life and

she wanted help. There was a doctor/therapist speaking on the

same programme and he talked a lot of sense. He happened to

mention something that had a huge impact on me and with which I

could identify. He said ‘I went through something very similar, but I

refused to let it rule my life’ He went on to explain that he

understood the concept that if he did not get straight back out there

and face his fears, he would encounter far greater problems, so he

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went towards what he feared and refused to hide. He was actually

mugged and wanted to get straight back out there, realising that it

was better to do this than allow the problem to grow. The most

important thing is he did it straight away rather than build up any

avoidance behaviour habits that could cause more problems in the

future.

His advice made so much sense to me. He went on to say: ‘The

answer to your problems lies within you and you have to go towards

what you fear to get your life back’. He never said it was easy, but

suggested that the habit this lady had developed of refusing to go

out and needing someone with her constantly, were counter

productive and she needed to do the exact opposite in order to

move on from this experience. What she did wrong was to never

allow herself to feel any fear or try to get through it. For her it was

about avoiding fear at all costs. She would ring her boyfriend 20

times a day and when he got back he was never allowed to go out.

She would not go out because of how she felt and the problem just

escalated. What she needed to do was feel those feelings of fear

and insecurity and go through them. She only need take little steps,

like not ringing her boyfriend so much, but she had to feel some fear

and discomfort in order to release herself from her prison. Only then

would she begin to feel more comfortable. She could never expect

to live life with someone constantly by her side. I am not blaming this

lady, she was just going along with her instincts, but it was

avoidance behaviour that led to her having no life and needing

constant security. I want you to remember the following statement

because it is very important ‘To release yourself from fear, you have

to become present to the experience of fear itself rather than simply

trying to get rid of it or running away’

I always went towards any uncomfortable situations and refused to

get into avoidance behaviour, even during the days when I had little

knowledge, because I knew that this was the worst thing I could do.

Trust me, this is what de-sensitises you. I know we want the easy

way out, but I realised that if I didn’t do everything at will and allow

myself to feel some fear, then my life would just become more and

more restricted. If that was the case then the opposite had to be

true - to release myself from a life of fear I had to experience it.

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I once had to go to a job interview and as the time for the interview

drew near, I thought ‘I can’t do this’ and felt extremely anxious’. I

then had a realisation: ‘I would have felt like this in the days before I

suffered from anxiety, but I would not have let it bother me as

anyone would feel like this before an interview. Also my nerves were

sensitised so the feelings may be a little stronger than most, but

they’re the same feelings, it’s only my attitude to them that has

changed.’ So I just carried on and went to the interview. Once I was

in the room and got chatting, I soon felt a lot calmer. Once again I

nearly let a common feeling of excess adrenalin (which is all it

was) bluff me into avoidance.

The more I went towards my feelings of fear the easier things

became. I was beginning to build up a real inner confidence and

have a far better understanding of how my body worked and reacted

Avoid your fear and they will grow, move towards them and

they will subside. This condition wants you to hide away, don’t

let that happen.

A lot of people caught up in the cycle of panic have merely been

tricked by their mind into avoidance. It has tricked them because a

healthy body which is not affected by anxiety only feels the effects of

adrenalin when faced with danger. This is our body’s way of

preparing us to escape or act, otherwise known as the ‘fight or flight’

syndrome. Once the danger has passed, our attitude changes, the

adrenalin subsides and we begin to calm down.

The people who first felt panic for what they believed to be no real

reason may have been worrying for weeks/months about a particular

problem, not knowing that the adrenalin cup was filling up and about

to overflow. Those first feelings of panic may have had them

scurrying for home wondering what had just happened. Then they

may inadvertently believe that it was the place that made them panic

and avoid going there again. But now, not only do they avoid this

place, but they may also fear another attack coming. Every time they

go out, they start watching their body, tuning in, waiting for a sign

that tells them it is happening again. With all this worry, is it any

wonder that the cup overflows again and the feelings return? Then it

is not the place that worries them any more, it is just the fear of how

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they will feel. They may just decide to stay at home within the safety

of their own four walls and avoid going anywhere. They are now

caught up in what I call the full fear cycle. This cycle is the only thing

that keeps feelings of panic alive, the reason why people can suffer

for years. They need to understand why they feel like they do and

have a plan of recovery that can break the cycle of fear.

So, the next time you go out, just say to yourself: “If I feel panicky, I

feel panicky” these feelings are just caused by the effects of

adrenalin on sensitised nerves and that’s it, nothing else. Nothing

dreadful is going to happen it never does”. Don’t add fear to fear

with all the “Oh my God, I must get out of here”. “What’s going to

happen?” etc. Trust me when I say that nothing dreadful is going to

happen to you, it’s just the effects of excess adrenalin. Again your

body may be sensitised, which may exaggerate these feelings,

making you feel unbalanced and causing your hands to shake, but

don’t worry, the feelings will calm down, they always do. Don’t try to

control them or stop them coming but just stay calm in your attitude

towards your feelings. Move towards your feelings of fear and see

them through. Say: “Okay, come on, do your worst. I no longer

care”. What have you to lose? You won’t collapse or die. Just build

up that ‘whatever’ attitude. There is no point of no return and peace

is always waiting at the other side. You would be amazed at the

amount of people who go ahead, face their fears and say “Paul I did

it and nothing happened. I felt a bit anxious and panicky, but the

feelings calmed down after they had hit their peak. I was even

inviting them to come again”.

I often felt fear rise, which I knew was just the effects of excess

adrenalin on sensitised nerves and it truly did not bother me at time

went by. I just saw it as a feeling and understood it. I knew the fear

was not real and I no longer cared if I felt it or not - my fear had

gone. That is the stage you get to when you see things through and

don’t spend your time running away from situations.

You need to go through the storm to reach the calm, until one day

you get to the point where you can say, “It doesn’t matter any more

if panic comes”. This is your aim
.
Try to embrace your fears instead

of avoiding them and you may find you only
thought
you could not

do something and you realise that your body had tricked you into

believing this. This method brings so many rewards. Avoidance just

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brings more feelings of failure, more feelings of hopelessness and

continued suffering.

At first, you may feel worse when practising this way - putting

yourself into situations and places that you feared - but this is

understandable. Up until now, you have been avoiding these

situations and places, letting your world become smaller and

smaller, but now you are trying to broaden your horizons, and

coming out of your safety zone is the way to do this. So don’t feel

disheartened if you feel more exhausted than ever when you do go

out there; this is only to be expected. Even if you fall off the bike

from time to time, just brush yourself down and try again.

Some days may be better than others. Don’t question why - they just

are. It is the same as any other feeling. Some days we feel sad,

some days we don’t, but we never question why. How we feel can

differ from day to day, so don’t waste time and energy trying to work

out why one day was better than the next.

If you do breathing exercises to calm you down, then that’s fine, use

them. I used to slowly take big, deep breaths, and not fast, shallow

breaths, even though this is what you tend to do when you feel

panicky. Sometimes I found that just a calm attitude saw me through

when I felt panicky, but if you feel yourself getting breathless, then

just take long deep breaths and don’t gulp for air.

It never surprises me when people come back to me and say, “I did

it! I felt a little fear, yes, but it was not too bad. I really did it! Now I

understand. I just thought I could not do it.” They may only have

driven around the block in the car, but their achievement has shown

them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and given them the

confidence to believe that they can get better and live life to the full

again. So there really is no point of no return. I have seen so many

come through once they have decided not to let these feelings

dominate their life anymore. They have gone through them enough

times to no longer let them bother them. The people who maybe cry

at home, wondering why they can no longer do what they did before

because of these feelings, need to know that there is a light at the

end of the tunnel and they can go back to how things were before all

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this happened. You can do anything, as long as you no longer run

away from how you feel.

This is the way forward, no one can hope to hide away at home,

hoping for that miracle where they wake up and no longer feel any

fear. Trust in what worked for me. I never took the easy way out. I

wanted to live again and I was not going to let these feelings hold

me back. If I had to feel them to recover, then so be it. Anything was

better than having no life at all.

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UNDERSTANDING FEELINGS OF UNREALITY

Feeling Strange

The one question I get asked more than any other is, “Why do I feel

strange/unreal. It’s as though I am detached from people. I feel like

a shell walking around in a dream?” Many people find this the

hardest thing to accept. Okay, I feel anxious and can see that my

nerves are tired; that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is this

dull head, feeling like I am under water, not with it, I feel detached

from the rest of the world around me as if I am going mad. This can’t

be due to me being anxious, can it? This must be something else.

First of all, let me clear up one thing, which is something that I get

asked so often. “No, you are not going mad”. This feeling comes

from being constantly worried about your own problems. You are so

used to watching yourself, questioning your illness, day in, day out,

that you start to feel detached from the outside world. You may find

that when you talk to people it feels as though you are somewhere

else. You can hear them, but what they are saying just is not sinking

in. Your thoughts are more inward than outward looking, causing

you to focus on yourself while trying to follow the conversation.