Melted & Shattered (12 page)

“Hero? Riiiiight.”

"You saved that kid!"

I shrugged, because I didn't feel like a hero. I did feel drunk though, really drunk.

“You sure you don’t wanna go out?”

I knew it was coming. I knew it! I walked into it though when I texted her. Chris loved to club. I used to as well.

“I’m just not feeling it yet. I’m swagger-less.”

Chris
sighed, probably contemplating if she should push it. She didn’t, for which I was thankful. I didn’t want her pressuring me, and I didn’t want to argue. I just wanted some company so I wouldn’t have to drink alone.

We continued getting fucked up. I had the sense to stop at some point. Chris wasn’t used to drinking at the house and
ended up sleeping by my toilet, while I passed out on the couch. I woke up to piss, and got her a blanket. Scooting her away from the commode, I handled business and crawled into my bed.

Chapter
9

The next day I wanted to kill myself, Chris, and the makers of Everclear. I woke up to a pounding
head, like Questlove was going to town on a drum set that happened to be located between my ears. I buried my throbbing head under the pillow and grumbled to the hangover Gods to leave me alone. The pounding didn’t stop.

“Get the door!” Chris yelled from the bathroom.

“You get the door!” I yelled back.

“I can’t leave the toilet.”

Fuckin' A. I threw a leg over the edge of bed and slid both my feet to the floor. The next step was standing up. The pounding on the door continued.

I was still in my lounging clothes from last night, and sure I had
bird nest hair when I made it to the door, swinging it open to find Larry standing outside.

“Whatthefuckdoyouwantlarry?” I slurred.

“Are you OK?”

“Do I look OK?”

“No.”

“Larry! What are you doing here?”

“I just came to check on you.”

I let him in the door. “At this hour?”

He looked at his watch. “It’s noon, Elle.”

“
Fuckin' A. Why did you wake me up?”

“Cuz you took my key away.”

I groaned. I took his key away so he wouldn’t randomly walk in my house. I didn’t anticipate him continuing to show up at my doorstep any time he wanted. I thought that was conveyed in the key lecture I gave him. There hadn’t been any unannounced visits pre-shooting. I guess I was going to have to spell it out to him. No key. Call first. Just like it was before. A bullet didn’t change social etiquette. I threw myself on the couch, deciding that was a conversation for another day.

“What happened to you?” Larry asked, running his hands through his hair. Crap. That was his tell. He came over here for a reason, and it was making him nervous.

“Everclear happened.”

“What the fuck were you doing with Everclear?”

“Don’t ask. You’ve ran your hand through your hair three times in the last sixty seconds. Whatever it is, spit it out.”

“Well, uh,
I was, uh gonna see if you, uh—”

“Now, Larry!” I yelled, not feeling like I could handle hi
m stumbling through whatever he was trying to get the nerve up to say.

“Um, do you want me to take you to County on Tuesday?”

“What?” How did he know I was going to see Fernie at County on Tuesday?

“Do you want a ride?”

“No, I’m pretty good to drive now.”

“Oh.” He stared at his hands. “I just know José took you last time.”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t really ready to drive then. I was still poppin’ pain pills.”

“Oh, well, OK.”

“That’s what you came over here for?”

Larry sighed. “Yeah. I guess. I just wanted to see you. It’s not like I get to see you at work anymore since you haven’t picked
up any kitchen shifts yet.”

Mother fucker. I got it. He missed me. If I didn’t have so much g
oing on, I would miss him too, but as it was, my life was a mess. I felt bad, but seeing Larry kept falling lower on the priority list. I could use the time I spent crying to call Larry, though I felt like that was way too intimate for our friendship. I was barely able to cry in front of Chris when I told her about J. Now, J—that man had seen me a sobbing mess. Fucker.

“Larry, I appreciate your concern. Really
, I do. I just have a lot of shit in my head, and the only person who can sort it out is me. It’s not that I’m avoiding you. I just need time to get my life back on track. I need to figure out what I’m doing for the fall semester. I’ve got Aaron nagging me to come back to work, but I don’t think I’m ready to face the piglets. It feels like I’m carrying a backpack full of bricks.”

“You know I’d carry some bricks for you.”

Well damn. That was so freaking nice. Why did Larry have to be so nice?

“
Thanks, man. I know you would, but these bricks have my name on them. I gotta carry them, or get rid of them. I’m tryin’ to ditch the bricks, and it’s hard, so all I can do is take it day by day.”

“Just know you can call me any
time if you want to hang out or talk or anything.”

“I know. Now, I don’t
wana be a bitch, but I discovered why Everclear should be banned in all fifty states last night, and I think I wanna go back to bed.”

“It’s all good. Can I piss before I go?”

“Sure, whatever.”

I went to the kitchen and popped a few aspirin. I chugged a glass of water, hoping the pills and hydration would kick in soon. Maybe after a little more sleep I’d feel better. I didn’t have any plans, but I’d contemplated hitting up Marshall’s for a little retail therapy. Maybe some shoes or a—

“What the fuck 1985? Get the fuck out of here!”

Oh shit! I forgot Chris was still curled up in the blanket I gave her on the bathroom floor. I ran to find Larry standing in the doorway laughing at her.

“Get him the fuck outta here, Elle.”

I grabbed Larry’s arm. “You’re gonna have to piss in the bushes.” He kept laughing. “Dude. Stop laughing,” I whispered as I escorted him to the door. That only made him laugh harder, and Chris scream louder. Both
were making my headache all the worse.

I shoved Larry out the door. “Good heart to heart, man,” I said,
pushing him out the door with a foot to his ass.

He just laughed. I barely made out his goodbye. Whatever. I shut the door while he was doubled over, hands on his knees, laughing. I was sc
ared to go back inside to Chris, since Larry is the last person she’d want finding her on the bathroom floor. I hoped she had clothes on. I know I’d disrobed during a few puking episodes due to the sweats.

I tiptoed to the bathroom. “You OK in there?”

“Fuckin' Skid Row of all people. Fucker,” she mumbled. I laughed at her creative hair band names for Larry. Skid Row was a new one.

“You want the couch?”

“Yeah,” she said, wrapping the blanket around her and stumbling her way into the living room. I stepped out of her way and saw her pants and socks on the floor. So she
was
half naked when Larry found her. I only hoped she had the blanket covering her. I got her some aspirin and a her own giant glass of water. Setting it on the coffee table, I mumbled something incoherent and went back to my bed. I heard her mumble back, but it didn't matter what she said. We were both working off of minimal brain cells that morning.

This was my first and last dance with Everclear. When we felt better, I planned to berate Chris. I’d have to wait though. I fell into bed and passed right back out.

******

I was chilling with
José Tuesday evening, telling him about my visit with Fernie. It'd gone as well as possible. We didn’t talk for long, since here really wasn’t much to say. I told him I looked up Sabinas on the map, and saw it wasn’t too far from the Texas border. I didn’t want to tell him too much about the teens or our lake trip. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn’t want to hear about the fun stuff the other teens were doing.

I was caught off guard when he asked me, “You seen the guy who shot you?”

“Huh?” I asked, unsure where he was going with this.

“You knew him, right? He called you by name.”

“Yeah, he knew me.”

“So, have you seen him?”

I was at a total loss for words. The answer was yes, but who knows what he’d ask next, and if I’d be prepared to answer.

“I’d see
n him around at the club.” That was true-ish. Fernie seemed to accept it. He was more interested in the fact that I went to Eight Oh Eight than J. What, did he think I was a choir girl?

“You like to club? You get tore up?” he asked with a grin.

“Fernie,” I sighed, “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Most involved drugs. Someday I’ll tell you about them, but today isn’t that day. Just know that all the bad shit that’s happened to me in my life has almost always been somehow tied to drugs and getting fucked up.”

He looked at the floor, suddenly silent. His
smile melted off like hot wax and he cleared his throat. “Was, ah, the thing at the house, you know, with me, the worst thing that’s happened to you?”

I leaned forward. “Fernie, look me in the eye.” He slowly brought his head up to look at me. “Don’t go there. What’s done is done. If we could go back, I wouldn’t do anything different, other than not have you get messed up in that drama in the first place.”

“I feel like everything is my fault.” He wore his guilt on his sleeve. He was so young to be shouldering such adult burdens.

I was quiet before I spoke, choosing my words carefully.

“Yes, you made mistakes. You made some choices, and they weren’t good ones. Now, you’re dealing with the consequences. It’s life. Trust me, I know about consequences. I also know you got a raw deal, but all we can do is play the cards we’re dealt in this life. And if we went back in time, if you still made those choices, if Genesis still called me that night, I would still be sitting here with a scar on my stomach. I would still have taken that bullet for you. It’s not something I thought about. I just did it. I was running on pure instinct, and my instinct said you had to live.”

Fernie’s eyes filled with tears. “Fuck you, Elle.”

“Excuse me?” I said with a neck roll.

“You’re making me cry.”

I laughed under my breath. He wiped the corners of his eyes with his sleeve. We exchanged a few more words before I left. I promised him I’d come back soon, since he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be there. The government wasn’t exactly being forthcoming with his departure date. As I was leaving, he pulled a letter out of his shirt.

“Can you give this to Genny?”
I nodded.

“So what did the letter say?” José casually asked me.

“I think he told her that he loved her too, but she was too good to wait around for him.” I grabbed my purse and pulled the letter out. “Here, this word,” I said pointing to some scribbled Spanish. “Does this say something like
I’m such a fuck up
?”

“You’
re crazy,
cielito
! I can’t believe you’re all up in these kids’ business!” José cracked up.

“Well
, does it say that or not?” I simultaneously whined and shouted.

Still chuckling with amusement,
José responded, “Yeah, he’s telling her he isn’t good enough for her. That she deserves someone who isn’t such a fuck up.” He pointed to the words as he translated.

“Oh, poor kid. He isn’t a fuck up. He just made some bad choices. He told me about his status.”

José’s eyebrows shot up. “Lack of?” he asked. I nodded.

“Man, I felt like the stupidest white girl in the world when he laid it out for me. I made tons
of mistakes when I was his age, and just because his parents brought him here, not something HE chose, his bad decision are getting his ass deported. Back to the life his parents left. It’s the American fuckin’ Dream. That’s all his parents wanted for their family. When I was his age, I fucked up and spent a night in juvie. Fernie fucks up, and he gets ripped from his family and sent back to Sabinas. How is this shit fair?”

“Sabinas? That’s where he’s from?” I nodded.
José was quiet.

“Hello? I asked you how this shit is fair?” I was on a roll. I was pissed
, and the dramatic hand gestures were in full swing.

His eyes focused back in o
n me. “It’s not fair.
Asi es la vida
.”

“
Fuckin' A. That’s exactly what Fernie said.”

“I was lucky. My mom and dad crossed before I was born. She was eig
ht months pregnant with me, walked through miles of desert, and slept on the ground for a few hours at a time. My dad had to practically carry her the last twenty miles or so.”

“Twenty miles? Holy shit. And that was only the tail end of her journey?” He nodded. “And she was eight months pregnant with you?” He nodded again. “
Fuck,” I whispered.

“I’m not trying to be a dick here, but you
gringos
have no idea what it’s like. I think some of ya’ll think we hop on a plane, but it ain’t like that. My moms was determined to deliver me on American soil so I could be a citizen.
No hay amor mas grande que el de una madre
.”

“What does that mean?”

“There is no greater love than that of a mother.”

I pondered that for a minute, unsure if that translated to American moms, to my mom...

“Oh, I meant to ask you, how did Larry know I was going to County today to see Fernie?”

I gave José a stern look, to which he
returned his one hundred watt smile.

“What?” I asked. “What’s so funny?”

“
Cielito
, that boy’s got it bad for you. He asks me and Jesse every day if we’ve talked to you. It’s gotten worse since you took away his key.”