Melted & Shattered (10 page)

“Damn, Chris. Have you been taking advice lessons from Aaron?”
I teased her, because that was some seriously profound advice—and it was just what I needed to hear.

“Fuck you. Go home and take a fucking shower, bitch.”

“I love you.”

“Elle, you know I love you back.”

As I walked out the door I yelled to her, “Get your stanky ass in the shower too, Pig-Pen.”

I heard a muffled
fuck you
as I closed the door. I sighed as I got into the Monte. I had my friend back, and even though I was ecstatic about it, I still found myself driving home in tears. Fucking tears. How long was I going to be a crier? I wanted to go back to being a squealer.

******

The following week was a rollercoaster of emotions, plagued with great highs and crashing lows. Chris didn’t start staying with me again, but she stopped by a couple times a week. I hadn’t gone back to work yet, even though I was technically cleared by the doctor. He said to try not to move too much. Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen in the kitchen. On a busy night, I was in constant motion.

My side was healing. The scar was still sore and tender to the touch, but it only hurt when I moved too quickly, a
nd even that was getting better. What wasn’t getting better was my heart. I took Chris’ advice and went day by day. I’m pretty sure that was some Alcoholics Anonymous shit, though it seemed fitting for my situation. J was my addiction, and I could only get over it one day at a time.

I went to
the Center a couple times that week, and found it to be the only time I felt happy. I smiled when I was there, and I didn’t think I was smiling much any place else. I knew this because my cheeks hurt whenever I left. I thought about Fernie each time I went there, and it seemed weird not having him around. Genesis was moody as hell, but I wasn’t hating. If she saw what I was like outside of the Center, her moodiness would’ve seemed down right chipper. Was she crying herself to sleep each night, I wondered?

That Saturday was a field trip. Penny invited me to join them at a lake not t
oo far away. She said I didn’t have to pick up any kids, since she was going to rent a mini-bus to pick them up and hold all the gear. I told her I’d grill if she had one we could take along. To this I received an incredibly tight, signature Penny hug.

“I’ll make
a list of food for you to buy and take care of making lunch for us,” I told her.

“You just made my day! That is one less thing on my plate. We go to
Crystal Lake every summer, and I swear the teens use lunch time to get in trouble every year. I’ll have my eye on them this time.”

Poor kids. Penny was about to put a damper on any shenanigans they had planned. Good thing she didn’t have to deal with me as a teen. Ha! I would have been her worst nightmare actualized.

“Is it cool if I just meet you up there? I’m not sure how long I can stay. I get tired easily.” OK, that was a lie. I just wanted an out in case I needed it.

“Of course, Elle. I’m just glad you’re willing to handle the food.”

I made the list for Saturday’s lake trip when I was at the Center Wednesday night. The kids were just starting to leave when Genesis came into the kitchen where I was finishing up the dishes.

“Hey
, Elle.”

“Genesis. What’s up?”

“Um, do you think you could give me a ride home?”

“Don’t you go home in the van usually?”

“Yeah. I kinda wanted to see if I could talk to you.”

I pulled the plug in the sink to let the water drain. “Of course. I’m gonna tell Penny bye and I’ll meet you by my car.”

“Can you not tell her you’re taking me?” Genesis asked, playing with the buttons on her shirt, her head bowed instead of looking at me.

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“Cool," she said and walked away.

I said goodbye to Penny, who asked me few more times if I was sure I was OK to go to the lake with them. I think she was equally afraid it would be too much for me,
AND that I would back out, leaving her with the task of cooking.

“It’s all good. I’ll be there at eleven to fire up the grill. We can eat around noon.”

“Do you need a spatula or anything like that?”

I thought about it for a minute. I knew what kind of cooking utensils were downstairs
in the Center’s kitchen. They kinda sucked. I’d bought a better spatula specifically for the hot ham and cheese sandwiches, but everything else was sub par.

“Just bring the spatula. I’ll bring my own tongs. And I guess you can bring whatever serving spoons you need for the potato salad and what not.”

“OK, I’ll bring some from downstairs.”

Yeah, the sucky stuff. “Just make sure to bring the spatula, OK?”

“No problem.” Penny got up fro
m her desk and hugged me again. I put my arms around her, but didn’t squeeze, instead just patting her on the back. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to Penny’s hugs. Her perpetual cheerfulness made me wondered if she shit sparkles.

I met Genesis at the car, and clicked the
key fob to unlock the doors. I waited until we were on the road before saying anything. I was hoping she would start us off, but I was learning that with teens, you usually had to prompt them to start talking, even if they were the ones who wanted to talk in the first place.

“So, what’s up?”
I asked.

“Nothing.”

“I doubt that, Genesis. You can tell me whatever you want or feel comfortable sharing. You should know by this point I won’t repeat what you say or judge you.”

She took a breath, closed her eyes, and with pain in her voice told me, “I miss Fernie.”

Fuck. I could tell she was holding back tears. Despite the fact that I turned into a crier and that I’d just bawled my eyes out on Chris’ couch just a few short days ago, tears were still not something I was comfortable with. I think crying in front of Chris was the first time I’d bawled in front of someone since—fuck, since the night in the Chateau with J. Those had been happy tears though, not sobbing, heaving tears. The last time I remembered crying sad tears was with Larry when I barely escaped out the window of the meth-head trailer.

“Man, I’m starting to feel like a terrible pers
on. I’m sorry, girl. I should've known you’d be hurting too. I should’ve talked about it with you more.”

“It’s OK, Elle. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling.”

“I hear that,” I said under my breath. I was a walking emotional mess, OK one minute, and falling apart the next.

“I know I should move on, but I can’t. I went to see him in County last week.”

Shit, I hadn’t gone to see Fernie again. I
was
a terrible person.

“How’s he doing?”

“OK, I guess. He says I shouldn’t wait for him. That he may never make it back to the States once he’s deported. I told him I’d go to Sabinas with him, but he told me I’d have more opportunities here.” She paused, and the tears were steady flowing now. “But that’s just it, Elle. I don’t want opportunities. I want Fernie.” She said that last part on a broken sob.

Poor girl. I remember
ed being sixteen. It’s like being in a constant state of PMS, emotions all askew. I couldn’t imagine dealing with all this at that age. I didn’t deal with heartbreak at sixteen. I dealt with violence.
That
I could handle because you turned your emotions off. This thing, these "feelings" were a new thing for me. I think they'd been dormant for so long ago, I forgot what it felt like to feel.
Really feel
.

“Sweetie, I know it’s hard. Fernie is in a bad situation and he just wants what’s best for you.”

She responded with a hiccupping sniffle.

“You two, and most of the tee
ns here, are dealing with things most of your peers aren’t. I try not to call you guys kids, cuz you're all dealing with a lot of adult situations. But inside, you’re still sixteen, and sixteen is kind of a sucky age to be. You’re still learning how to cope with the different scenarios life’s gonna throw at you. All you can do is take it one day at a time.” Shit, it was good advice for me, might as well pay it forward.

She nodded her head indicating she understood me. Thank
God, because I wasn’t sure how much more pep talk I had in me. I was running out of good material.

“Have you seen J?”

I almost hit a telephone pole.

“What do you know about J?” I asked suspiciously.

“Not much. Just that when he was holding you in his arms after he shot you, his eyes were all teary. I figured you knew him. Plus he was lurking around the hospital when I visited you. Kinda like a creeper. I heard your friend yelling at him and she called him J.”

I was amused with her creeper portrayal of J
, as he was a total creeper. A smile spread across my face. He was a lovable creeper. The fact that he’d been watching me for months before we actually came face to face with one another was definitely creeper style. If I explained it to someone, they’d tell me to run for the hills, that he wasn’t stable or sane. Hearing it from the horse’s mouth was a different story. He wasn’t a creeper. He was fiercely in love. Crap. I started to feel hot tears spring forth in my eyes. I blinked them back and focused on the road.

“I did know J, a
nd I’m taking that situation one day at a time.”

“Do you still see him?”

How did I answer that?
He was my boyfriend, and he was going to shoot yours that night at the house. Instead, he shot me, and then dumped a bunch of money into my bank account. Oh, and I saw him not too long ago, and we cried and fucked
. Yeah, no. I couldn’t say any of that.

“No, not really.” So it wasn’t a total lie. It was vague, and vague was good when you were trying not to be a
liar, but also avoiding a direct answer. Vague, deflection, the shrug—they were all part of my arsenal of avoidance.

We didn’t say too much more on the way to Genesis’ house. She didn’t live far, so it wasn’t a long drive, for which I was thankful. She’d stirred shit up in me, and I saw a date with the couch and some weed in my near future. I’d probably be inviting the box of tissues to this party as I was now a fuc
king crier. Grrrr.

******

“You feel like hittin’ the club up this weekend?”

I knew it was coming. Sooner or later Chris was going to try and drag me out to the club. Luckily, I had a valid excuse this weekend.

“I can’t. I agreed to go to
Crystal Lake with the teens on Saturday. And I gotta be there early, so it’ll be a long day. I should get to bed early Friday so I’m not dragging my ass all day on Saturday.” Total contradiction to what I told Penny, yet same intent in mind—not getting roped into something I didn’t want to do, or someplace I didn’t want to stay.

“That’s cool. Maybe next weekend.”

“Maybe,” I mumbled.

“We gotta get you back in the saddle, cowgirl.”

“I don’t think I’ll be saddling up anytime soon, but thanks for lookin’ out for me.”

“No prob, girl. I’ll hit you up later.”

“Bet.”

I hung up the phone. Things with Chris and I were more or less back to normal, or as normal as they could be. Nothing was quite the same, it seemed, since I’d had
a bullet put in my side. But, whatever, I was on my day by day plan, and today, I was still hung up on J. I’d moved my wallowing from the bed to the couch at least. I thought that was an improvement, right?

******

I drove myself to the lake on Saturday, arriving at eleven like I’d told Penny. As I walked up to the picnic pavilion Penny had rented, tongs I made Larry steal from Applebee’s in hand, Genesis came running up to me.

“You came!”

“You thought I’d go back on my word?”

“I just saw all the stuff Penny brought and didn’t want to eat burnt chicken for lunch.”

I laughed at her joke, though it wasn’t necessarily a joke. I’d never seen Penny grill, but I had a feeling it wasn’t pretty.

“I gotchya girl. Show me to the meat.”

Genesis walked the rest of the way to the pavilion with me.

“Elle! I’m so glad you’re here!” Penny gushed. She’d probably been biting her nails, afraid she’d be stuck with ten pounds of ground beef, a bunch of chicken legs, and a handful of pork chops.

“Nope, I’m here.”

“Right on! I call dibs on the chops,” Marcos said running past us in board shorts. The sandy beach was right in front of us. I watched Marcos chase Angelica into the water and dunk her. She squealed and fought him, but it was obvious she wasn’t too broken up over getting wet. I’m sure Marcos made her wet in other ways too. Shit.
Dirty mind, Elle. Get it out of the gutter. They’re seventeen, you perv!
Crap, I was a perv, and now I had to go handle a bunch of meat. Oh, if only Aaron was with me. He’d have a field day with the inappropriate joke possibilities.

I
started to set up shop, laying out my utensils, making sure I had my good spatula and stolen tongs, some seasonings I’d requested Penny buy, and pans for all the cooked meat. I grabbed a trash bag and hooked it to the edge of the little table I had set up next to me. It’d been a while since I’d grilled, and I got nostalgic for a moment. Just a moment, since my nostalgia was cut short with Penny yelling at Ramón and confiscating the super soaker water gun he brought. I decided I was more than happy to man the grill and let Penny be the enforcer. Although I would've let Ramón have at it with the super soaker. Hell, I would’ve more than likely joined in. But for today, I was just the cook.