Megan's Way (29 page)

“The pictures that you saw, they were of you
and Alissa

Mae, my baby,” Holly began.

“Your baby?” Olivia asked, confused.

“Yes, I had a baby girl the same day as your
mother did. You two looked like twins, but, Alissa Mae—that was my
daughter—died in the hospital,” Holly’s voice faded as she spoke,
ending in a whisper. She took a deep breath.

“I didn’t know,” Olivia said in a quiet,
concerned voice.

“I know. There didn’t seem a need to tell
you. She died the day after she was born of SiDS, Sudden infant
Death Syndrome, which really means that they don’t know why she
died.” Holly shrugged, gloomily

“Is that why you don’t have children?” Olivia
asked. Holly thought about how to answer her question.
Yes,
because I was too scared to get pregnant again. I wasn’t sure if I
deserved to be a mother after what I had done
. She put her hand
on Olivia’s and said quietly, “I can’t have more children, Livi. It
just wasn’t in the cards for me, but I do have a child. I have
you.” even under the shady umbrella of pretense, she felt an
inkling of relief as the truth was finally spoken.

Jason and Olivia had been talking on the
phone every night since they went to the beach together. Each time
Jason called, the butterflies no longer flew through Olivia’s
stomach, they were replaced by a different type of excitement.
Olivia kept mental notes throughout the day of things that were
funny or sad, interesting or weird, and couldn’t wait to tell Jason
about them later in the day. She loved to hear his “Hey girl!” when
she picked up the phone. He was always happy to talk to her.

Jason was doing the same, looking forward to
sharing his secrets with someone whom he’d felt connected to,
someone who wouldn’t judge him when he was sad, or think he was
weird when he wanted to stay home at night with his granddad so he
wouldn’t be lonely. Jason loved the way that Olivia wasn’t real
girlie and giggly. She could joke like one of the guys or just be
quiet and listen.

His granddad said she was his
comrade-in-arms, and that he had needed one for a long time. When
Jason asked what he meant, he replied, “She’s your ally. She’s
going through what you’ve already been through. You two will tough
out this storm together.” Then he looked out the window and said,
“You two need each other. It’s fate, my boy.”

“Why does it creep you out that Holly’s baby
died?” Jason asked as he wrapped the phone cord around his
fingers.

“I don’t know. I guess I feel guilty for
being here or something—like it should have been Alissa Mae, and
not me.” Olivia listened to Jack and Holly in the den as they
discussed her mother’s ritual. She whispered into the phone, “Do
you think she resents me? I mean, we were born on the same
day.”

“Hell, I don’t know. That was fourteen years
ago, and you said yourself that you never heard her talk about it.
She’s probably long over it. Stop worrying about it.”

Olivia smiled, “You’re probably right.” She
lowered her voice to a whisper again, “They’re in the next room
talking about my mom’s goodbye ceremony.”

“I thought you did that already,” Jason
said.

Olivia wondered why she felt like she had
known him forever, like he had known her mother and how much she
had meant to her. The fleeting feelings she had of finding him cute
had been easily replaced with another kind of attraction.
He’s
my friend, like Mom and Peter.
The realization made Olivia
happy.
A real friend, someone who gets me!
“We had the
public goodbye ceremony. This one is private—just for us.”

Jason’s stomach lurched. He wondered if he
could be included, if he could be one of them.

Olivia woke with a start. The morning sun
shone brightly through her curtain, spreading generous streaks of
light across her comforter. She lay under the blankets, warm and
secure.
Today is the day
—the day of her mother’s goodbye
ceremony. Planning it had not been as difficult as she had
imagined. She and Holly poured over the details at first, as if it
were a grand event. Eventually, though, they threw their hands up,
wondering why it had taken them so long to realize what the
ceremony should really be like.

They didn’t need fancy foods and flowers.
Megan was more practical than that, and that’s what they both had
loved about her. She wouldn’t have wanted them to spend a lot of
money and make themselves crazy over details. Her goodbye ceremony,
they agreed, should be the beginning of their own annual ritual.
They would give Megan the kind of ceremony that belonged to her,
the one she had initiated so many years ago, the one she had left
them with.

Olivia pulled the journal Holly gave her out
from under her bed. She hadn’t thought she would be able to keep
another journal after—but she found that it helped her. She could
write her thoughts without feeling guilty, without judgment, and
that took a weight off of her shoulders that she hadn’t realized
was there just days earlier. She picked up her purple gel pen and
began to write.

Dear Mom,

I know you can’t read this, but I want to
write it anyway. Today is your goodbye ceremony. I’m not sure how I
feel about it. I mean, I know I have to say goodbye, but I don’t
really want to. I feel like if I say goodbye you will really be
gone. I know you’re gone, but, well, you know what I mean.

I wonder, Mom, do you still feel my pain? I
hope you don’t. That’s not true, I kind of hope you do. I know that
sounds mean, but I want to have some connection to you that is just
ours. I feel you all around me all the time. I know you are
somewhere out there. Is that going to change when I say goodbye?
Are you going to really be going away then? If so, I wish you could
tell me. I know you can’t. But I wish you could.

Holly and Jack have been great to me. Holly
is really sad about losing you. Sometimes I find her crying in the
den or just sitting in her car alone, and I know she’s thinking
about you.

I found the letter, Mom. I’m not sure if I
was supposed to or not, but I sort of tore apart your room after
you died, and I found it in your mahogany box. I’m sorry. If you
didn’t want me to find it so soon, then I’m really sorry. But I’m
kinda glad I did.

I know why you didn’t tell me about Jack. At
first I wanted to run and tell him that he was my dad, but every
time I saw him and Holly together, I knew why you didn’t tell him.
I won’t tell, Mom. I promise you that. I needed to know, but maybe
he doesn’t. I mean, he treats me like I’m his daughter anyway. So
it really doesn’t make a difference, does it?

I don’t want to tell Holly that I know,
either. I can’t figure out if you told her or not, but she hasn’t
mentioned it to me, so I’m not going to mention it to her either.
She loves me, Mom. I know you know that. And she’s so much like you
that it has made it a little easier for me. She’s not you. Please
don’t think I could ever replace you. I miss you every second of
the day. Sometimes I go, “Hey, mom!” and I expect you to be there
to listen. I guess that will change sometime.

I have a new friend now, Mom. A real friend.
His name is Jason, and don’t worry, he’s not someone I’d date or
anything. He’s a friend. His parents died, too. He gets me. I like
to talk to him. Holly and Jack like him, too.

I guess I have to face the day now. I hope
you don’t go away for real. I love you Mom. I miss you sooo
much!

Love forever, Livi

PS: Mom, I haven’t felt you around for
days. Are you gone already? Have you gone away? If you are, I hope
you know I love you. I won’t ever forget you
.

The day weighed heavily in Holly’s heart. She
had snapped at Jack when he had asked her what time the ceremony
was scheduled to begin. Why had she snapped? She wasn’t mad at him.
Her guilt had still not settled.

Holly needed to be alone. Olivia was at home
with Jack and she couldn’t face either of them.

“Jack!” she hollered toward the den, “I’m
going to the store to get some stuff for tonight. I’ll be back
later.” She headed for the car without waiting for his response.
She was worried Olivia might want to go with her, and she just
couldn’t handle being nice to anyone at the moment.

once in the car, her stress lifted a bit. She
was alone—finally. She headed toward the grocery store. On the way,
she decided that she couldn’t even handle being around people

she didn’t know. She turned the car around
and headed to

ward the lake. Instantly, she knew she was
going where she needed to be. The water calmed her.

She sat with her legs hanging over the edge
of the dock and took in the beauty of the surrounding trees and
small sailboats anchored just feet from the beach. She leaned back
on her hands and let her head hang back, her face warmed by the
summer sun. She inhaled loud and long, and let her breath out
slowly. It felt good to be alone. It felt right.

Holly lay back on the dock, and closed her
eyes. She thought back to that dreadful night, fourteen years ago.
She had been eight months pregnant, resting on a cot in the room
next door to Megan, who had given birth to her own baby just hours
before.

“Hol! Wake up, Holly!”

Jack’s voice had startled Holly. It had taken
her a minute to remember that she was in the hospital. The pain in
her belly, that she thought was in her dream, had been very real,
hitting her fast and hard as she had tried to sit up. Jack’s face,
white with fear, had scared Holly.

“Jack? What is it? Megan?”

“Holly, you’re bleeding!” Jack had run toward
the door, then back to Holly. “Stay here,” he had said. He had run
into the hall and had hollered for a doctor. Within minutes Holly
had been rushed onto a gurney and had disappeared down the
hall.

The maternity ward was a happy place for most
for mothers, but not for Holly. It had brought all of her deepest
fears to light. giving birth was like lifting the lid of a
compressed chamber, from which her anxiety came rushing up and out,
enveloping her, consuming her thoughts, and sending her mind into
an uncontrollable panicked spiral. While Megan slept peacefully,
Holly’s mind ran frantically in circles. Even the rocker where she
sat with Olivia in her arms had made her nervous. The instability
of the rocking motion made her feel uneasy. Olivia stirred in
Holly’s arms. A sweet cooing sound escaped her tiny lips. Holly
turned toward Megan, happy for her best friend’s blessing, and
jealous of her ease and acceptance of motherhood—it scared the hell
out of Holly.
Why did I agree to share a room?
She glanced
in the bassinet next to her own bed and tried desperately to muster
a loving smile for her own sleeping daughter, Alissa Mae. She
willed herself to experience the emotions that every mother talked
about—the feeling of being one with the child, wanting to protect
it from everything, having loved it from the moment it was
conceived. Instead, she felt fear—and regret was quickly taking
over. The lack of maternal feelings toward the little girl
terrified her. Was she even capable of mothering? She was petrified
that she had ruined her life, that she would ruin the baby’s life.
She became filled with desperation.
Alissa Mae, what have I
done?

Tears fell from her eyes. Her happiness for
Megan became overshadowed by her anxiety. Carrying her secret made
her lose confidence in herself, in her abilities. With the birth of
the baby, how would she be able to continue lying to Jack?

Her hands began to shake. She closed her eyes
and held Olivia tight, somehow wanting to protect her for Megan.
You can do this! You have to do this!
Her hands shook
uncontrollably. She stood and paced the room, whispering to
herself, “Get a grip on yourself. You are her
mother
.”
Olivia lay still. No cooing came from her little pink lips. No
nestling into Holly’s chest occurred. Through the jostling and
worry, Olivia remained still.

Hearing the words had terrified her,
You
are a mother
. “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t do this. It’s
not right,” she murmured through her tears. She sat again in the
rocking chair, too consumed with her own fears to notice the
limpness of the weight in her arms. She rocked hard, staring at the
ceiling and wishing she could figure out what to do, wishing that
somehow she could be transported back to eight months ago, wishing
she could have never made the mistake she had.

Agitated, she rose and paced the room again.
She carried Olivia in one arm, waving her other as she made her way
through her thoughts.
How can I know? Paternity test, that’s
what I’ll do. No! Then he’ll know. He’ll find out and then…Shit!
Jesus Christ, what can I do?
Holly’s heart pounded in her chest
and she began to feel dizzy. She panted, as if she’d run around the
room instead of having paced. Guilt settled around her. She looked
at Megan, her face peaceful and happy, even in her slumber. The
sight of Megan brought her mind back to Olivia. The weight in her
arms had become noticeably heavy. She lay Olivia in the bassinet
next to Megan’s bed. The baby didn’t wriggle as babies do. Its
mouth hung open, lips dry. Uneasy with the stillness of the baby,
she lowered her head closer to Olivia’s, scrutinizing her
breathing.
Something is not right. Oh God!
She licked her
trembling finger and placed it under Olivia’s nose, hoping to feel
the warmth of her breath.
Oh God! Oh God!
She moved it
quickly in front of Olivia’s mouth—nothing. Holly placed her hand
flat against Olivia’s chest, hoping for the comforting feeling of
the baby’s heartbeat.
Oh my God!
Fear ran through her
body—her eyes darted around the room,
What do I do?
Her body
began to tremble, and she realized that the mewing sounds she heard
came from within her own lungs. She stood, picked up the baby and
put it on her shoulder, pacing quickly around the room, patting her
back, unsure of what to do. Surely the baby was fine, and she just
didn’t feel its breath.
Oh God! You’re okay, right?