Megan's Way (26 page)

He stepped onto the balcony and looked up
toward the sky. As Cruz’s arms wrapped around him from behind,
hugging him close, he felt the strong pounding of his heart against
his own back. Peter looked to the sky and thought,
Thank you,
Megan
, and sighed deeply. Finally happy, finally able to try
and give his heart, his whole heart, to his lover, he turned and
reciprocated the embrace.

The kids around her laughed, passed notes,
and flirted with one and other, just like normal kids did.
Normal kids. I’m nowhere near normal. Normal kids’ moms don’t
die
. After four weeks’ time, Olivia had thought she’d be ready
to go back to school, face reality again, finish the last two weeks
of school with everyone else—but in the halls, the other kids tried
not to make eye contact with her and whispered, thinking she
couldn’t hear them. They thought she didn’t know they were
whispering about the “Girl whose mother just died.” Olivia wished
she could be invisible.
Maybe it was a mistake to come back to
school so soon
.

No one knew how to act around her. Her
friends told her they were sorry and then quickly found excuses to
rush away from her. She was just as confused about how to act
around them. Everyone at school carried on as though nothing bad
had happened. They went to school, went out on the weekend, and
were carefree.
Why should they act any different? It wasn’t
their mother!

Lunchtime was even more painful. Olivia sat
at her regular table with the two girls she sometimes hung out
with, but as she tried to laugh and joke, her loneliness slowly
resurfaced. She struggled to smile and shrank back into her chair,
engulfed in sadness.
What’s wrong? Are you okay?
She told
them that she was fine, but that her stomach hurt a little.

How am I supposed to act? What do you do
when your mother dies? She won’t be there when I get home. I can’t
call her to come get me.
Olivia sat in the nurse’s office with
tears trickling down her cheeks.

Olivia spent the following morning going over
her phone conversation with Jason from the night before. Jason
understood so much of what she was going through that he was
actually able to help her feel better. He really seemed to get her
feeling of being abandoned. He said he had felt that way, too!
Don’t worry, after a few weeks your mind will remember that it
wasn’t really her fault she had cancer. Then you’ll be able to
forgive her for leaving. It takes time, but it will get easier
.
She knew he was right. She played that line over and over in her
head,
it wasn’t really her fault she had cancer
, and could
already feel her body and mind accepting it in a way that she had
been unable to the day before. She sighed and thought about how
lucky she was to have found a friend like him.

At eight A.M., Olivia strode down the stairs
two at a time, and bounded into the kitchen, surprising Holly, who
had been thinking about how she could help Olivia through her
pain—what she could and couldn’t say. Holly was glad to see
Olivia’s rejuvenated spirit as she watched Olivia’s pony tail
bounce just above her shoulders as she prepared her breakfast, and
instantly recognized the teenage splendor of a new
relationship.

Olivia set cereal at the table and smiled at
Holly. She hadn’t been able to stop smiling, or thinking about
Jason, since her mother’s public goodbye ceremony. Jason.
Jason
Forrester
. She sighed.

“You got it bad, girl,” Holly teased.

Olivia lifted her eyes, smiled. “That’s
something Mom would say to me,” she said.

“Oh, sorry.”

“No, it’s okay, really.” Olivia ate her
cereal, unable to hide her smile between bites. “I like that you
remind me of her.”

Holly leaned a little closer to Olivia, as if
she were about to share a secret. “I was thinking, Livi, about
moving your stuff over here. I don’t want to push you.” Her words
rushed out of her mouth, much faster than she had practiced. She
wished Jack were there, but he had a business trip and wouldn’t be
home until very late. “Whenever you’re ready. I just wasn’t sure
how long you wanted to wait.”

Olivia had tried not to think about the
logistics of her mother’s passing. She tried not to think too much
about her mother at all, lately. She found that when she did, she
spiraled into a sadness that took control of her and she could
barely break free from it. It was much easier, she decided, to go
about her life, her daily activities, focusing on other things and
keeping busy enough that her mind could not find the hole her
mother had left.

She hadn’t thought about when she should move
all
of her stuff. She was living with Holly and Jack, but
her things, her mother’s things, were back at Seaside Lane, where
she and her mom lived.

She set her spoon in her bowl and sat back in
her chair, knitting her hands together, her brow squeezed
tight.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Holly reached out to touch her arm.

“You didn’t,” Olivia said. She straightened
her back a little so Holly wouldn’t think she was really upset. She
wasn’t very upset. She simply hadn’t thought about the timing.
“What will happen to our house?” she asked.

“Well, we’ll probably sell it and put the
money away for your college,” Holly said softly, eyeing Olivia,
weighing her facial response, the soft tilt of her head.
Good
. Holly waited in silence.

Sell it. Sell it. I can’t go there
anymore. I can’t see my mom through the French doors, or slam out
of the house when I’m mad, or cuddle up next to her in her bed when
I’m scared. She won’t sit in my room anymore and watch me
sleep
.

Holly watched emotions run across Olivia’s
face, fear, sadness, confusion. “Livi, we don’t have to do this
anytime soon. We can wait a year if you want.”

Olivia shook her head, took her spoon in her
hand, and slowly brought it to her mouth. The cereal was cold and
crunchy. She focused on it. It felt good. It took no thought, no
emotions.

Her mind reeled through the goodbye ceremony
and found its way to Jason, his smile, his long arms and strong
hand grabbing hers, her lips curled into a soft smile.
And Mom
wasn’t there. Life does keep going
.

“It’s so weird, Holly,” she said between
bites. “I mean, Mom isn’t here, but everything continues. The sun
comes up each morning and goes down at night. School goes on. I
look at everyone sometimes and think, ‘Why can’t they see how sad I
am?’ But then I remember that most of them don’t even know Mom
died, you know?”

Holly nodded, feeling the same way.

“It’s like Mom was insignificant to so many
people. She didn’t even exist.” Her eyes became glassy. “I don’t
want to forget her, you know?” Olivia pleaded.

“I know, baby. You won’t forget her—ever. She
lives in our hearts. She was very significant. She will always be
very significant. It might be true that she didn’t know everyone in
your school or everyone you pass on the street, but those who knew
her adored her, just like we do.” Holly moved next to Olivia,
hugged her, then leaned back and smiled at her.

“We don’t have to do this now, honey. Let’s
just think about it a while, okay?” Holly said. Olivia nodded. “I’m
sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Olivia. There’s no need to
ever be sorry. We love you and we want to know how you feel. I’ll
always be here for you, and if you want to go back to Dr. Cavelino,
the therapist you and your mother saw together, we can do that,
too. I’d even go with you if you want me to.”

Olivia smiled. “Thanks. I’ll let you know. I
think I’m okay for now. I just hadn’t thought about the house,
that’s all.”

Trying to change the subject to a lighter
one, Holly asked, “You seem a little…happier this morning. Have you
heard from Jason?”

A mischievous smile crept across Olivia’s
face. She bit her lower lip and looked up at Holly through her long
eyelashes. A hot blush rushed up her cheeks. She nodded.

Holly raised her eyes in question.

“He called yesterday. He wants me to meet him
at the beach this weekend.” Olivia carried her bowl to the sink.
With her back to Holly, she closed her eyes tight and asked, “Can
I?”

My first real decision. What would Megan
do? Livi has a chance for a real friend. He seemed like a nice boy.
What if she gets hurt. I know, Megan, you would say, “She’s got to
go through it sometime.” Is now the right time? Oh, Meg, I wish you
were here
. Talking to Megan in her mind had quickly become a
habit for Holly. It’s as if Megan wasn’t really gone but lived on
and could help guide her. She took a deep breath, watched Olivia
turn to face her, hiding what Holly knew were her crossed fingers
behind her back.

“I guess,” the words slipped out before Holly
realized they had. Olivia rushed over and threw her arms around
Holly’s neck.

“Thank you! Thank you! oh my god, I need to
get my bathing suit!” True to her fourteen-year-old spirit, her
thoughts quickly turned to excitement, and her mourning had been
pushed aside—at least for the moment.

Standing on the beach, the sand warm between
his bare toes, Jack remembered his night with Megan. He gazed out
at the sea. He remembered the feel of her against him, the flecks
of sand strewn across her naked stomach, the breathlessness of the
moment.

Is she mine, Megan? Do I have a daughter?
Damn it, Megan, how could you leave us like this?
Jack knelt
down, his head weighed heavy in his hands as fresh tears stung his
eyes.

He reached into his pocket, took out the Yin
necklace, and rubbed his thumb over its cold surface.
Meg
.
He had thought of nothing else since the idea came to him that
Olivia might be his daughter. It pained him to look at Holly,
feeling his lie of omission of the past fourteen years like a
dagger in his heart. He should have told her. Sometime during the
past decade, he should have come clean. It just never seemed like
the right time, and then so much time had passed that it seemed
wrong to blurt it out.

Holly. Oh, poor Holly. If Olivia is my
child, then Megan had the daughter that Holly never could. This
would just kill her
. Jack made a promise to himself, to the
sea, that he would never mention it to Holly. He loved her too much
to ever want to cause her pain—and this could very well be the
worst pain of all.

Jack walked down the beach. He walked until
the sun began to lower itself toward the sea, and in the distance,
the sky became bright orange and pink. When he was able, he looked
up and focused ahead of him, instead of staring at the sand. He was
lost in a web of memories. He hadn’t realized where he was headed.
He found himself looking up at the towering lighthouse, the light
just beginning to wink at the sea.

Jason peered out from behind the bushes,
where he’d come to think about Olivia. Olivia. What a girl she was!
So sad, but so nice—and talk about beautiful! She was prettier than
anyone he thought he had ever seen in his life, even prettier than
those girls in the magazines. And she was going to meet him at the
beach! Who would have thought that someone like her would be
interested in someone like him?

At first the guy coming toward the lighthouse
looked like a typical tourist, walking the beach to enjoy the day,
but when he was right in front of Jason, he remembered having seen
his face before. He had been there that day with Olivia.
What
was his name again?

“Jack!” The word came out loud and fast,
before Jason had time to stop it.
Damn!

Jack turned at the sound of his name. He had
told Holly he was on a business trip and was surprised to be
recognized. His heart skipped as he looked around.

Jason climbed out of the bushes and walked
toward Jack, forcing a smile on his face. “Hey. It was me—that said
your name. It was me.” Jason extended his hand. “I’m Jason
Forrester, remember? I met Olivia the other day.”

Jack eyed him cautiously. Surprised by the
churning that ripped through his chest—a visceral feeling of
protection, as a lion would protect its cub. He nodded and feigned
a smile.

“I…I’m really sorry about Olivia’s mom,”
Jason said. “Is she doing alright?”

Jack quelled the protective feeling that made
him want to tell Jason to leave Olivia alone. “She’s doing as well
as to be expected.”

“I was really sad when my parents died.”
Jason sensed the tension in Jack’s voice and looked away. “It was
kind of nice to talk to someone who was going through the same
thing.”

Jack’s heart softened as he listened. Knowing
his feelings were raw for Megan and Olivia, he quieted his thoughts
and let them move to the boy who stood in front of him, the boy
whose parents had died, the boy who found a friend in Olivia. Jack
looked into Jason’s eyes and allowed himself to see youthful
kindness instead of a teenage boy vying for his daughter’s
attention.
Is she my daughter?

“I’m sorry, Jason. I didn’t realize that your
parents passed away. This has all been a little overwhelming.”

Jason nodded, “I know. I remember.”

Feeling silly for being such a grouch, Jack
reached out to Jason with a softer, kinder voice, “Who do you live
with now?”

“My granddad. We live there.” He pointed to
the house on the hill. “I asked Olivia if she could come to the
beach this weekend, but if you would rather she didn’t, that’s
okay. I mean,” Jason looked Jack in the eye, as his dad had taught
him to do with adults, to let them know he was being honest, “I
know you don’t know me, and I don’t really know Olivia, but, I
mean, I just wanted to meet her as a friend. I’m not trying
to…well…you know.”