Megan's Way (28 page)

Holly had been putting off the
inevitable—Megan’s final goodbye ceremony. She’d been telling
herself that giving it time would be better for Olivia, but really,
it would be better for her. Two months had passed since Megan’s
death and she was nowhere near ready for a final goodbye, wasn’t
sure what it would really mean, what it would do to her.

In the past few weeks, Holly had felt Megan’s
presence several times. She felt her when she was with Olivia, and
when she was alone, thinking of her. She felt her when she was out
running errands—or was that just her mind missing her? Wishing she
were there with her? Would that stop once they held their final
goodbye ceremony? Most of her hoped it would not stop. She loved
Megan. She needed Megan. She missed Megan. But a tiny, selfish
piece of her hoped it would stop. There was a part of her that was
afraid of what Megan thought of her. She was terribly worried that
somehow Megan would appear, angry and upset, hurt beyond repair,
and wanting to hold Holly responsible for her sin.

Then Holly would know; she would know that
she was never to be forgiven by her very best friend—and that, she
could not bear.

At times when her guilt consumed her, she
looked for Megan around every corner; her secret worked its way
from her mind to her gut and back again. Megan never appeared at
those times. That, too, scared Holly.
Is she staying away from
me because she’s so mad?

Holly began making her list. At the top of
the page she wrote,
Megan’s Ritual
. Her hand shook as she
wrote the names of the attendees:
Olivia, Peter, Jack
. She
didn’t need a list, she realized. These were the only people who
mattered. These were the people who loved Megan and had been her
world. Beneath the names she began to scrawl a list of necessities.
After the third item, she put down her pen and held her face in her
hands.
What am I doing? I can’t do this!
Holly crumbled the
paper and threw it on the ground.

“Holly?” Olivia was concerned when she walked
into the den and found Holly with tears falling down her cheeks and
trembling hands. “Are you okay?” she asked.

“Mm-hm,” she managed as she wiped her
eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Olivia stood a few feet from
Holly in her bathing suit top and shorts, not sure if she should
move closer. “Is it Mom?” she asked quietly.

“No, baby, it’s not your mom. It’s me.”
I
was such a fool!

Olivia stood in silence, unsure of what to
do. If it had been her mother who was sad, she would have tried to
pry out of her what was going on, but she wasn’t sure what to do
with Holly.

She didn’t need to know. Holly stood up and
said, “Are we ready?” as if she had been fine when Olivia found
her.

“Sure. If you’re sure it’s still okay,”
Olivia asked, wondering if Holly was upset because of something she
had done.

When Holly walked out of the room to find
Jack, Olivia retrieved the crumpled paper and cautiously opened it.
She could feel the air being sucked out of the room as she read,
Megan’s Ritual
. Olivia knew it was coming and had wondered
how soon they might do it, but somehow the note made it real.
You, huh? I knew it was Mom!
Her lower lip trembled—anger
lay just below. Unable to deal with the flurry of emotions, she
crumpled the paper in her fist, threw it back down on the carpeted
floor, and ran out of the room.

Olivia sat angrily in the back seat of Jack’s
car, the air was thick with her attitude.

Jack eyed her in the rearview mirror. “You
okay, Olivia?”

“Mm-hm,” she said, tightlipped as she swung
angry eyes toward Holly. Olivia didn’t know what angered her more,
the upcoming ceremony and what it would mean, or Holly lying to her
about being upset over her mother—or maybe Olivia was just angry at
herself for having ignored pressing thoughts of her mother for the
past forty-eight hours. She didn’t know, and she didn’t care. She
let her anger boil as she stewed in silence.

Oblivious to Olivia’s anger, Holly was lost
in her own world of guilt and confusion. She didn’t even flinch
when Jack nudged her with his elbow.

“When did things get normal again?” Olivia
asked Jason as they walked along the edge of the surf.

Jason thought about that. “I don’t know if
things ever really get
normal
again. I was so mad for the
first month or so, and my poor granddad had to deal with me. I was
awful mean to him, but one day I realized that they didn’t really
leave me. It wasn’t their choice.”

“I know. You said that the other night—but
then what?

I feel so…so empty.”

“Then, it sort of just happens. One day I
realized that I wasn’t just sitting around thinking of my mom and
dad anymore. I was going out with my friends. I could watch TV
without it always reminding me of how we used to watch together.
It’s hard to describe, really.” Jason stopped walking and threw a
rock into the ocean. “It just happened, like, one day I realized I
wasn’t so sad anymore. I guess I just accepted it.”

Olivia knelt to pick up a shell. “But don’t
you miss them? I feel like I want to run to tell my mom everything
that happens each day. I still look for her to walk through the
front door of Holly and Jack’s house or call on the phone. I mean,
i
know
that’s stupid, but I can’t help it.”

Jason sat down next to Olivia. “I still think
about them a lot. I just don’t…I don’t know. I guess I just realize
that they won’t come back, so I never look for them anymore— but I
used to. I used to run to the door, thinking the police or someone
would come by and say it was all a big mistake, that someone else
had died, but it wasn’t my parents. I have my granddad, though, and
he’s really cool.”

“Well, I can’t wait for it to get easier. It
just sucks. I know it wasn’t really her fault she was sick, but she
was the one who decided not to take her pills, so that was her
fault.”

Jason hesitated, not sure if Olivia really
wanted to hear what he had to say.

Olivia noticed Jason turn away. “What? What
is it?”

“It’s just…well, I think she would have died
anyway, right? From the cancer? And I bet that would have been more
awful for her than dying sooner, or else she wouldn’t have stopped
taking her pills. I mean, you guys were really close, right? She
wouldn’t leave you unless she had to.”

Olivia played with the sand, writing her name
and thinking about what Jason had said. “Maybe…maybe it really
would have been harder if she lived longer. Mom said she didn’t
want me to see her deteriorate.”

“Geez, I wouldn’t want to watch my mom die,”
Jason said, and then looked at Olivia, ready to apologize.

“It’s okay,” she said quietly. “I guess she
did what she thought she should do. It’s just so unfair that she
had to die at all. I mean, I don’t even have a father to turn
to.”

“Sometimes dads are a pain in the ass,
believe me. Mine was strict and always harassed me about
stuff.”

“I thought you liked your dad,” Olivia
said.

“I did. I loved him, but he was still a pain
in the ass.” “Well, I guess I have Jack now, so maybe he’ll be a
pain

In the ass, too,” She laughed. “Who knows,
maybe I’ll like having a dad, even if he is a pain.”

The tension between Holly and Jack mounted as
they stewed about their own pasts and the lies they were living.
Holly lay in the sun watching mothers and their small children on
the beach.
I couldn’t have done it. I couldn’t have been a good
mother to Olivia
.

Jack yearned to be close to Holly once again.
The distance that had silently crept between them saddened him.
I love you, Holly. I married you, not Megan. Even if Olivia is
mine, I would have still married you
.

He covered Holly’s small hand with his own,
wrapping his fingers into her palm, and squeezing. When Holly
squeezed back, he was relieved.

“Hol, I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’ve been
distant lately and not here for you. I’m sorry.”

She put her arms around him, unable to find
the right words to say back.
I’m sorry, too
seemed too
cliché, and
I love you
felt too simple. She really wanted to
tell him what she had done and that she was ashamed of her actions,
but she couldn’t. Instead, she pulled her face back and looked into
his eyes, placing a soft kiss on the edge of his lips.

“I want to help,” Olivia said to Holly across
the dinner table later that evening.

A confused look passed between Holly and
Jack. Olivia had been distant from Holly since Saturday morning
when they had gone to meet Jason at the beach.

“Help with what?” Holly asked lightly, glad
for the break in her silence.

“Mom’s goodbye ceremony.” She shot her eyes
from Holly to Jack. “I mean, I know we have to plan one,
right?”

Holly cleared her throat and wiped her mouth
with her napkin. “Yes, we should do that soon.”

“I’m ready,” Olivia blurted out. She turned
to Holly. “If you were waiting for me, then I’m ready.”

Jack reached out and touched Olivia’s hand.
“Are you sure, Olivia? We don’t have to do it anytime soon. We can
wait a while.”

Holly interrupted, “You just started back at
school. Do you want to wait until you are a bit more settled?” She
looked to Jack for support.

“That might be a good idea,” Jack said,
shrugging slightly. Only Holly noticed.

“No. I’m sure. I’m ready. I mean, she isn’t
coming back, right? I need to say goodbye. Otherwise I’m stuck in
limbo. I feel like I’m just waiting for something.” Olivia began
eating as if this were typical dinnertime conversation.

Jack raised his eyes toward Holly.

“If you’re sure,” Holly said. Holly was
relieved that Olivia wanted to help plan the ceremony. The idea of
planning it herself brought on such guilt that she had been unable
to do anything productive. Olivia’s wellbeing would give her
something to focus on.

“I’m sure,” Olivia answered.

Holly was reading when Jack climbed into bed,
his warm legs brushed against hers. “Are you doing okay?” he asked
tenderly.

“Yeah. Why?” she said.

“Well, this mothering is new to you.
Fathering is new to me. I mean, does it make you sad?” Jack
asked.

Holly laid her book down on her stomach. “It
doesn’t make me sad, really. It is a constant reminder that we
can’t have children, if that’s what you mean, but we have Olivia.”
She looked at Jack, but saw Olivia’s dimples. “She’s our child now,
Jack. I feel grateful.”

“Good,” he said as he hugged her. “I was
worried about you. You’ve been a little distant lately.” He felt
Holly’s body stiffen. “I have been, too. I’m sorry.”

Holly picked up her book and changed the
subject, “Jason was nice, huh?”

“Yeah. They remind me a little of me and
Megan when we were young, at camp. They seem to be becoming good
friends.” Jack lay back on his pillow. “I think she needed a friend
like him.”

Holly looked away.
Did you love her then,
too?

Megan watched Olivia toss and turn, wishing
she could make her feel better, give her warm cocoa, or even
better, hold her in her arms. She hovered just above Olivia and
whispered,
Your father loves you. I promise he does
.

Olivia opened her eyes with a start. “What?”
she whispered. She looked around her room which still felt
unfamiliar to her. Slowly, she made her way from her bed to the
stairs, listening closely for Holly or Jack. Hearing nothing but
silence, she crept downstairs and into Holly’s den.

She saw the cardboard box in the corner and
moved toward it, the box that Holly and Jack had been looking
through in her kitchen. The one that had the stuff that her mother
had with her the night she died.

She knelt in front of the box which was
partially open. With her hands knotted in front of her, she peered
inside. It was too dark to make out the contents. As she reached
for the lamp on Holly’s desk, she knocked over a small wooden
box.

Olivia immediately recognized the handwriting
on the envelope that fell out of the box. She reached for it. Her
hands shook, her heart beat faster with each passing second.
Mom?

She opened the envelope and reached inside.
As she withdrew a folded paper, two small photos fell out. She
picked them up and immediately recognized one picture that she had
seen many times before.
That’s me
, she smiled.

The second picture looked just like the
first, but it was a photo she had not seen before, and there was
something different about it—what that something was, she could not
pinpoint.
Who is this?

Holly gasped when she saw the photo in
Olivia’s hand. “Where did you get that?” she asked in a soft, yet
stern voice.

Startled, Olivia jumped up and put the photo
and envelope behind her back. “I’m…I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking for
this. I promise. I was coming in to see what was in the cardboard
box of Mom’s stuff and I knocked over the lamp.” The words flew out
of her mouth fast and shaky. She turned toward the desk and righted
the wooden box, quickly putting the folded paper and photos back in
the envelope.

Holly saw the envelope and remembered the
birth certificate. Her eyes grew wide as she realized that Olivia
may have seen it.

“I’m so sorry,” Olivia said again. She
wrapped her trembling limbs around herself.

“What did you see?” Holly asked
tentatively.

“My baby picture, but there were two. Are
they both me?” she asked quietly.

A sense of relief washed over Holly. Holly
looked down and sighed. “Sit down, Livi. It’s okay.”

“I’m really sorry, Holly. I wasn’t snooping.
I mean, not through your stuff. I promise.” Olivia sat down on the
sofa and folded her legs under herself. She held a pillow on her
lap.