Mark McGuinness - Resilience: Facing Down Rejection (18 page)

Your reputation

Your reputation is how the people who matter see you.
In business, these people are your customers, partners, employees, and suppliers. In your career they are your colleagues, your boss, and your clients or customers. In sport they are your teammates, your coach, and your supporters. In the arts they are your peers, some critics, and your audience.

If you want to sleep well at night, there should be no conflict between your heart and your reputation. It’s possible to have a false reputation, so that people think you are much better than you are, but you have to live with yourself, and living a lie is no fun.

Plus you are always liable to be found out… so resist the temptation to cut corners or be economical with the truth when you are building your reputation.

Your reputation is very different to your ego. Your ego is
your own
image of yourself, in your imagination; your reputation is
other people’s
image of you, in reality. A bruised ego is not the end of the world, but you should take a threat to your reputation very seriously.

To achieve success, you need to manage your reputation. Not because it makes you feel good, or confirms your sense of self-importance—but because
without a good reputation, you can’t get anything important done
. Unless the people who matter respect and trust you, you can’t do your work, move your projects forward and achieve your mission.

So if criticism threatens to damage your reputation, it’s up to you to set the record straight. Sometimes you can do this with words. And it’s essential that you do it with actions —staying true to your principles and doing things that make it abundantly clear that the criticism has no foundation.

Here are some options for protecting your reputation, in ascending order of seriousness.

• Alert your allies
  —don’t do or say anything publicly, but make sure your allies (valued, trusted, and influential people in your network) know the truth. This may be all that is needed. And sometimes your allies will come up with helpful suggestions.
  
• Make a public statement
  —publish it on your website, read it to the press, or present it in some other public forum. And only do this after you have run it by your trusted advisers.
  
• Get legal advice
  —if you think someone has overstepped the mark from rudeness to defamation, consult a legal adviser about your options. Suing them is the most drastic, but there may well be others at your disposal— such as getting their ISP to take down offending content from their website. And be very careful about anything you publish online, even a tweet or Facebook update—in most countries, this counts as publication for legal purposes, so anything you say could have legal implications.
  

Whatever you do, don’t confuse your reputation with your ego. This is extremely difficult, especially when it comes to an emotive issue like criticism. Your ego is very good at persuading you that you need to take it as seriously as your reputation! If in doubt, ask your best friend or mentor—they should be able to help you distinguish between the two.

Your next steps:

Next time you are faced with hostile criticism or a malicious accusation:

1. Look in your heart.

Is the criticism true? If so, you need to do something about it. If not, you only need to act if it’s affecting your reputation.

Watch out for the Inner Critic! Don’t confuse it with your heart—a friend and/or your mindfulness practice will help you distinguish between the two.

2. What does your ego make of it?

Sure signs that your ego is getting involved:

• You keep replaying the criticism/accusation in your mind.
  
• You worry obsessively about what others will think of you.
  
• Your mind is filled with thoughts of revenge.
  
• You feel sorry for yourself and tell yourself you don’t deserve it, in a ‘poor me’ tone of voice.
  

Don’t beat yourself up if you have not yet transcended your ego (I know I haven’t). If you catch yourself doing any of these things, snap into mindfulness in order to lessen the ego’s hold on you.

3. Does it affect your reputation?

• Who is likely to hear and believe the criticism/accusation?
  
• How important is their opinion to your reputation?
  
• Who
  needs
  to know that it’s not true?
  
• What can you say or publish to set the record straight?
  
• What can you do to demonstrate your integrity?
  

Remember, if it’s a serious accusation, get advice before saying or publishing anything in public.

Note:

Paul Reps,
Zen Flesh, Zen Bones
, (Arkana / Penguin, 1991)

36. When it gets personal

This shouldn’t happen but of course it does. Instead of critiquing your work, somebody makes it personal by attacking your personality, appearance, weight, skin color, background, or something else that is irrelevant but hurtful.

Personal abuse is bad enough in private, and can feel a lot worse when it’s done in a public forum, especially if others join in. You wouldn’t be human if it didn’t hurt.

At home

If you’re lucky, your home is a refuge, full of loving, supportive, and encouraging people who are right behind you in the pursuit of your dreams. Sadly this isn’t true for everyone.

There are few things more challenging than having your confidence undermined by people close to you, who know you well enough to home in on your most sensitive spots. Sometimes this is done out of ignorance or a misguided desire to help—they think they know what’s best for you, even when they patently don’t. This can be annoying but bearable as long as you have a basically strong relationship. Much harder is when the personal comments stem from malice or jealousy.

Your basic options are:

• Put up with it
  —if it’s not too serious, not malicious, and temporary.
  
• Assert yourself
  —make it clear that you won’t tolerate personal insults. Challenge them every time they insult you.
  
• Get help
  —find an ally (inside the family or out) who can help you challenge the insults, or at least rebuild your confidence.
  
• Leave
  —a last resort, and easier for some than others. If you have a choice and the situation is intolerable, ask yourself whether you really need to tolerate it.
  

In your social circle

Notice I didn’t say ‘among friends.’ We’ve all said nasty things we regret in the heat of an argument, but no true friend will subject you to ongoing personal abuse.

Here you have similar options to a family situation, except that the ties that bind you to the group are weaker. Unlike family, friendship is a matter of choice. And the balance of power relationships is not normally so uneven. So you can be bolder about asserting yourself and quicker to end the relationship if the other person continues the abuse. Why try to be friends with someone who does that?

Don’t confuse the desire to belong with friendship. The power of the group can be very intimidating, and there may be situations where you go along with its wishes for the sake of a quiet (or safe) life. But you know in your heart who your friends are.

At work

Abuse in the workplace is very like abuse within a family in one respect—there are reasons to be with these people whether or not you like them. You can feel trapped, and unable to escape or even report the abuse.

Depending on where you live, the laws against workplace abuse may be strong or weak. But even if the law gives you a lot of protection in theory, in practice it takes a lot of courage, stress, and effort to mount a legal challenge against an employer. And some individuals are very devious in the way they target people while staying within the letter of the law.

As with the family, your options depend on your own role and the power relationships within the group. If the insults are coming from your boss it’s a lot harder to challenge than if they come from one of your peers.

Again, you can choose to put up with it, assert yourself, get help, or leave. One question it’s worth considering is:
Can you really see yourself doing your best work in this environment?
If not, you might be better off leaving regardless of whether or not you have a ‘good case’ and could succeed in a challenge.

Online trolls

We’ve already met the trolls. The bad news is that the spread of digital communications means the trolls are multiplying and becoming more of a problem. The good news is that police and authorities in many countries are actively finding and punishing the sad characters who do this. Trolls are finding to their cost that although they think they can hide behind a fake name, this is often an illusion.

Because of the virtual nature of their habitat, the usual options don’t always work with trolls. Asserting yourself can play into their hands, since they love the attention. And these days it’s hard to leave the internet. Some of them will go away if you ignore them. But if they don’t, it is often possible to track down a troll and get the authorities to hold them to account.

Technical and legal changes mean your best options for dealing with trolls are liable to change, but as well as reporting them to the police, you may want to consider reporting them to online service providers whose technology they use, such as Twitter, Facebook, their web host, or email providers.

Your next steps:

When faced with personal abuse, in addition to the options outlined above, consider the effect on your heart, ego, and reputation.

1. Your heart

The first place to look is in your heart. Do you have anything to be ashamed of? Or are the insults merely ignorant or malicious?

Next, talk to people who know you well and care about you. What do they make of it? Even if they don’t have a magic wand, it can make a huge difference to know that the people who matter still think you are great.

2. Your ego

Obviously, your ego won’t like the abuse. And who can blame it? That said, there are two things you need to focus on here:

• Don’t let the abuse ruin your mood.
  You probably won’t feel great, but don’t let the ego’s ranting and agonizing overwhelm your day. Again, your mindfulness practice will be critical here.
  
• Don’t let the ego prompt you to do something you will later regret
  e.g. lashing out (verbally or physically), trading insults, or doing anything that could put you in the wrong.
  

3. Your reputation

It’s critical—and very difficult—to distinguish between your ego and your reputation, because your ego will be telling you that all kinds of dodgy things are a reasonable and justifiable response, in order to protect your reputation.

Sometimes the person dishing out the abuse will be so obviously laughable and lacking in influence that there’s no danger of damage to your reputation. But if you think their words could harm your reputation, look at
Chapter 35
for suggestions on protecting it.

4. If you ever think you may be in physical danger

Make sure other people know about your concerns—including at least one person who can be trusted to raise the alarm if you go missing.

Contact the police or other relevant authorities. No, they don’t always respond the way they should, but if the situation is as serious as you fear, you need to alert them.

37. How to deal with incompetent criticism

So you’ve worked really hard, burning the midnight oil, to produce your very best work and present it to someone who matters—a client, boss, teacher, interviewer, or other such gatekeeper.

You’re proud of your work and excited to see what they make of it. You’re convinced they will love it as much as you do. You can’t wait to see their faces, and hear what they have to say. You hold your breath and smile.

And the response goes something like this:

“Oh dear.”

“No good.”

“Can’t you do better than that?”

“Utterly useless.”

“This is a disaster.”

“I can’t believe you spent all that time to produce this junk.”

“Did you
read
the brief?”

“Total crap!”

“Why should I pay for that?”

“I hate it.”

And this is someone whose opinion counts. You can’t ignore them. You are expected to respond.

What do you do?

Firstly, recognize that you are in the presence of an
incompetent critic
.

No matter how bad or unsuitable your work may be, there are ways of critiquing it constructively and respectfully, and this kind of response is neither. Whether they are doing it out of ignorance, tactlessness, or pure spite, this is substandard criticism.

Secondly, ask yourself whether you
really
need to engage with them. If this is an audition or interview, maybe not. If it’s a meeting with your boss or an important client, you have less room to maneuver.

Don’t get defensive
I know this is easier said than done when someone attacks you, but it will inevitably lead to an argument. And whoever wins the argument, you lose: if they win, you have to accept the incompetent criticism; if you win, they probably won’t forgive you, and will do what they can to make life difficult.

Don’t get aggressive
Again, easier said than done. But again, it will only lead to an argument, which doesn’t help you.

So how do you respond to an attack without being offensive or aggressive?