Mark McGuinness - Resilience: Facing Down Rejection (7 page)

What you’re forgetting here is the fact that hindsight is always 20:20. If you had known then what you know now, then of course you would have done things differently!

But you didn’t, so you didn’t. And even if you had, there’s no guarantee it would have brought you success.

So bin regret.

It’s not doing you any favors. Instead, focus on what you can start doing
now
to bring yourself success in future.

What not to say to yourself:

• “If only I’d done X, I wouldn’t be so miserable.”
  
• “What if I’d done X? Just imagine how happy I’d be now.”
  
• “I’m so stupid. I should have done X.”
  
• “Why on earth did I do that? What was I thinking of?”
  
• “I really messed up my chance; I’ll never get another one like that.”
  

What to say instead:

• “I did the best I could at the time. I’ll do better next time.”
  
• “Hindsight is 20:20. The most important thing is to learn from it.”
  

4. Prediction

This one’s a real killer. It’s where you tell yourself that, because you’ve been rejected in the past, you will always be rejected in the future. Which is completely illogical, but frighteningly persuasive!

The antidote to this is to do a reality check: unless you have special powers I don’t know about, you cannot predict the future. But you can
influence
the future, by acquiring new skills and knowledge that will help you improve.

What not to say to yourself:

• “I’ll never succeed.”
  
• “This just goes to show I’m doomed to failure.”
  
• “What’s the point in trying again? I’m only setting myself up for more disappointment.”
  

What to say instead:

• “Just because I didn’t get this opportunity, doesn’t mean I can’t get the next one.”
  
• “Things will be different next time—because I’ll approach them differently.”
  
• “If I learn the lesson and improve, I’ll have a better chance next time.”
  

5. Comparison

It’s natural to compare yourself to others, especially your peer group. When a friend or rival goes on to achieve great things, it would be amazing if you weren’t a little envious. So it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing and criticizing yourself for not being as ‘good’ as they are.

Up to a certain point comparison can be a good thing, inspiring you to emulate others’ success. But beyond that point, it becomes a stick to beat yourself with. When that happens, it’s better to just focus on yourself. Compare your present performance with your past. Have you improved—even a little bit? How did you do that? Supposing you keep that trend going. How good will you be in a year’s time? What do you need to do to keep improving?

What not to say to yourself:

• “Look what they’ve done. I must be useless to be stuck here.”
  
• “If they can do it, why can’t I?”
  

What to say instead:

• “I’m going at my own pace, I’ll make it if I keep learning and improving.”
  
• “I’m competing with myself, no one else.”
  
• “I’m going to succeed on my own terms.”
  
• “I’m better than I was this time last year. If I keep stretching myself, I’ll be a lot better this time next year.”
  

6. Just deserts

Sometimes we look at other people’s success and tell ourselves, “It’s just not fair. I don’t deserve to be stuck here.” When you’re in this frame of mind, it seems obvious that you are better than they are, and the world is a very unjust place.

But this is wanting to live in fairyland. As far as we know, there’s no such place. You can imagine a world where everybody—especially you—gets exactly what they ‘deserve.’ But that doesn’t mean it’s going to come into being anytime soon. Meanwhile, you’re stuck in this world, where you still haven’t got what you want, however much you think you ‘deserve’ it.

You can carry on fantasizing about the world of just desserts. Or you can focus on the reality of your situation, and start making plans to show the gatekeepers that
you
are the best person to be offered the next fabulous opportunity.

What not to say to yourself:

• “It’s so unfair!”
  
• “I deserve better than this!”
  
• “What have they done to deserve success? They must have lied/cheated/
  

  bribed/slept with the right person.”
  

What to say instead:

• “I can do better than them, and I’m going to prove it.”
  
• “It feels unfair, but I have to deal with it.”
  
• “Fair play to them, they’re obviously doing something right.”
  

7. Exaggeration

Rejection can feel like the end of the world. But it isn’t. If you’re reading this book, the world hasn’t ended yet. So try to avoid the natural human tendency to exaggerate, turning a disappointment into a disaster.

When you first get the rejection, feel free to use plenty of exaggeration and expletives! But if you keep on exaggerating and swearing long after the event, you’ve got a problem. Be honest about your feelings, but don’t let your thoughts run away with themselves. Avoid using words like ‘worst,’ ‘absolutely,’ ‘total,’ ‘never,’ and ‘always.’ Instead, stick to the facts.

What not to say to yourself:

• “This is the absolute worst!”
  
• “What a total disaster!”
  
• “I never, ever get what I want!”
  
• “Why does it
  always
  happen to me?”
  

What to say instead:

• “OK I failed again, but it’s not the end of the world.”
  
• “This is a big disappointment, but I’ve bounced back before, so I can do it again.”
  
• “So I’m having a bad run at the moment, but [remind yourself of a previous success].”
  

Alternatively, keep the exaggeration, but add a humorous twist:

• “The end of the world eh? Who’d have guessed it would be a Tuesday?”
  
• “Looks like I’m back on Desolation Row. I wonder how long I’ll be here this time?”
  
• “So I’m officially a complete and utter grade A screwup. What else is new?”
  

13. Don’t think about the black box

Another guaranteed way to make rejection worse is to think about the Black Box.

‘Black box’ is the scientific term for a system or device that can only be analyzed in terms of its inputs and outputs, because the exact inner workings of its processes are not known.

In electronics, a transistor is a device used to switch or amplify an electric current or signal. The transistor is a form of black box, because you can adjust the inputs to the transistor to get the results you want, without seeing or understanding exactly what happens inside it.

Some financial traders use ‘black box programs,’ which automatically buy or sell when certain market conditions occur. They don’t need to be able to write the programs or understand their inner workings in order to use them.

Behavioral psychologists treat the human mind as a black box. Instead of worrying about what’s ‘really happening’ between the ears, they analyze stimuli (inputs) and behavior (outputs) and try to spot patterns and relationships. I’m not a behavioral psychologist, but this approach can save you a lot of misery when it comes to dealing with rejection.

For example:

Maybe a gatekeeper doesn’t even bother to reject you. You never get an answer, even after asking several times. What happened? Were they too busy, too lazy, or even too embarrassed or scared to tell you the bad news?

You’ll never know. The answer is inside the Black Box.

Maybe the gatekeeper rejects you but doesn’t give you any feedback. So what did you do wrong?

You’ll never know. The answer is inside the Black Box.

Maybe they reject you and you get a standard response—a template they just printed out and signed (or got their PA to sign). So how did they decide you belonged in the reject pile?

You’ll never know. The answer is inside the Black Box.

Maybe they reject you and give a reason that is factually inaccurate, or an obvious lie. What was the real reason for turning you down?

You’ll never know. The answer is inside the Black Box.

Or maybe their behavior is so rude or bizarre that it doesn’t make any sense at all, however much you analyze it. What is going on inside their heads? How can they possibly think it’s acceptable to behave like this?

You’ll never know. The answer is inside the Black Box.

If you want to, you can spend the rest of your life trying to work out what’s inside the Black Box.

“I was obviously trying too hard.”

“I wasn’t trying hard enough.”

“I should have asked more questions.”

“I didn’t ask enough questions.”

“I was overqualified.”

“I didn’t have enough experience.”

“They didn’t want to hire another man.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have worn a tie.”

“They are idiots!”

“Nepotism.”

“They’re out to get me.”

“I didn’t grease the right palms.”

You could go on like this forever. But what’s the point? Even when you decide on the ‘real’ reason, deep down you know you’re only guessing. The answer is locked inside the Black Box.

As soon as you realize you’re dealing with a Black Box, stop trying to analyze its contents.

All you can do is vary your inputs and see if they have any effect on the outputs. If you don’t get a response by email, try phoning. If you’re not satisfied with the standard rejection letter, write to them and ask for more detailed feedback. If you know someone who knows someone who was involved in the decision, see if they can make a discreet enquiry on your behalf.

And if varying your inputs doesn’t make any difference, it’s time to move on. Leave the Black Box with its owner, and forget about it. You weren’t the right fit this time, for whatever reason, but other opportunities await you, if you persist.

Your next steps:

1. Firstly, train yourself to recognize a black box when you see one. Tell-tale signs include: vague, formal, or non-existent communication; stock answers; standard rejection letters; rude or weird behavior.

2. Acknowledge your natural urge to guess what’s inside. But remind yourself you’ll never know the real answer.

3. Let go of the black box. Stop thinking about it. Close your eyes and imagine handing the box back to the gatekeeper, or burying it in the garden, or incinerating it.

4. Use your mindfulness practice to keep yourself focused on the present.

5. Get on with the next stage of your journey.

14. Are you still in the game?

“It’s not how many times you get knocked down; it’s how many times you get back up.”

Attributed to General George Armstrong Custer.

The last stand comes to all of us sooner or later. But before you get to that point, chances are you’ll be knocked down many times. And there will be a few times when it feels as though you’ll never get back up, never recover, never want to put yourself through it all again.

But when the dust settles, it’s amazing how often you
do
find the strength to get back up again. Time passes, your wounds heal, and you get a bit of perspective. And one day—maybe a few days later, maybe not for months or years—you feel a flicker of the old enthusiasm come back. You realize with surprise that you
do
want to put yourself through it all again but make it turn out differently this time.

For example, you’ve just been rejected—again—for the kind of job you’ve set your heart on. It feels like the end of the world. You’re tempted to give it all up and set your sights lower. But on looking through the listings the following week, you realize the world is still turning, vacancies are still arising, and you still have your resume/portfolio/CV. You’re still in the game. And you still have the desire to win.

Or imagine you’re an entrepreneur and your latest product has flopped spectacularly. You invested months in its development—as well as money, time, and stress you couldn’t really afford. But nobody bought it. And nobody cared how much you suffered. In the wake of the disaster, you think it’s Game Over. But looking at your spreadsheets the following month, you realize you still have enough cash flow to keep the doors open and the lights on. You still have customers who are happy with your other products or services. And you remember an idea you had for a new product… You’re still in the game. And you still have the desire to win.

Here’s another situation… Say you’re a writer and your novel has been rejected by 20 publishers. You’ve just spent a week in bed with Netflix and industrial quantities of Cheerios/Mars bars/whisky (delete as appropriate). Then one day you look at the curtains and see light around the edges. It must be daytime. You draw the curtains and blink in the sunshine. You realize you still have your manuscript and the list of publishers is not yet exhausted. And there’s that book on self-publishing you haven’t read yet. Heck, you even have an idea for a new novel that you’ve been itching to start on… You’re still in the game. And you still have the desire to win.

Say you’re a performer and you’ve been rejected for a minor part—not even the one you really wanted—yet again. You’re sick of this. You ignore the consoling phone messages from your agent/mother/best friend (delete as appropriate). You neglect your practice routine. You ignore the industry press. Then one day, out of morbid curiosity, you take a peek and see a part advertised. You
know
you could do it. You still have time before the deadline. And you still have your agent’s number. You’re still in the game. And you still have the desire to win.