Mark McGuinness - Resilience: Facing Down Rejection (19 page)

When faced with a physical attack, an aikido practitioner aims to blend with the energy of the attacker and either neutralize or redirect it, so that neither you nor the attacker are injured. So a punch doesn’t lead to injury or more punches—it leads to an arm-lock or a swift pivot that leaves the attacker facing the opposite direction, with his intended victim behind him.

When it comes to aggressive feedback, I suggest you practice ‘verbal aikido.’ Here’s how:

1. Clarify the criticism.
   
2. Ask solution-focused questions.
   

1. Clarify the criticism

Although your instinct may be to either justify yourself (defensive) or argue back (aggressive), resist the temptation.

Instead,
ask questions
to clarify exactly what the critic means, and
listen carefully
to the answers.

For example:

“OK this is important. I want to understand exactly what you are concerned about. Are you saying…?”

By saying “this is important” you signal that you are paying attention and taking account of their point of view—but without agreeing or disagreeing. And by saying you want to understand them, and summarizing their words, you are demonstrating your willingness to listen.

If you do this well, it should have the effect of taking the wind out of the critic’s sails—after all, it’s hard to resist somebody who is doing their best to understand you! Remember, clarifying the criticism does
not
mean you accept it. All you are doing is making sure both of you understand exactly what the critic is unhappy about.

Remember the characteristics of destructive criticism from
Chapter 24
?

• Lack of perspective
  
• Vague
  
• No examples
  
• Irrelevant
  
• Exaggerated
  
• Disrespectful
  

I’ll take each of these in turn, and suggest ways of clarifying them.

Lack of perspective

The critic speaks as though he or she is the ultimate authority, and does not have the self-awareness to realize that he or she is a human being with a limited viewpoint.

What to do about it:

Remind the critic that they may have a valid point of view, but it has limitations:

“I can understand how it looks to you from your perspective, and I’d like to check whether…”

Another option is to rephrase the criticism in a way that makes it clear the critic is speaking from a particular viewpoint:

“So from a marketing viewpoint you’re saying… ?”

Note that this simultaneously validates the speaker’s perspective, and subtly underlines the fact that it is an individual viewpoint and therefore limited.

Vague

The critic dismisses the work in general terms, without making the criteria for judgment clear. Typical terms used include ‘no good,’ ‘terrible,’ ‘not up to scratch,’ and ‘not fit for purpose.’ And of course there’s the classic, “I’ll know it when I see it.”

What to do about it:

Ask the critic to spell out their criteria.

“What criteria are you basing your judgment on?”

“When you say it doesn’t look right, do you mean the structure and layout, or the colors and fonts?”

“Which specific aspect didn’t you like?”

No examples

The critic fails to back up their judgment with specific examples as evidence.

What to do about it:

Ask for concrete examples and evidence.

“Can you give me a specific example of what you mean?”

“When you say performance hasn’t been good enough, what evidence are you basing that on?”

Irrelevant

The critic introduces irrelevant criteria, or focuses on an irrelevant aspect of the work.

For example, the client who hates an advert based on her own taste, without considering that her customers’ taste may be different. Or the boss who criticizes the color scheme of a website prototype, forgetting that he is supposed to be assessing the layout. Or the marketer who is obsessed with generating lots of web traffic, oblivious of the fact that the company only needs to attract a small number of high-value clients.

What to do about it:

Highlight the hidden assumption in the critic’s words, and explain why it is not valid. It helps if you can present hard evidence such as robust data.

“I understand that the ad sets your teeth on edge, and we have a lot of evidence that your customers love it.”

“You’re probably right about the colors, and at this stage we are only concerned with the layout. What do you think of that?”

“It sounds like you’re assuming we need to generate a lot of traffic for this website to succeed, but that isn’t necessarily the case. Instead of attracting lots of people, we only need to attract a few of the
right
people.”

Exaggerated

Sweeping, black-and-white judgments, with no acknowledgment of fine grades of quality, or alternative points of view.

Typical words that crop up here include ‘terrible,’ ‘awful,’ ‘useless,’ ‘shit,’ ‘total,’ ‘utter,’ and ‘disaster.’

What to do about it:

As with vague criticism, ask for specifics:

“Can you be more specific please?”

“You say it’s terrible. There are a lot of ways something can be terrible. What exactly do you mean?”

Another approach is to use contrast to demonstrate the absurdity of the critic’s position:

“You say you can’t possibly sign off a budget of $100,000 at the drop of a hat, but nobody is asking you to do that. We discussed running a pilot for a cost of $10,000—all I’m asking for is permission to proceed with that.”

“You say it’s a total disaster. To me, a total disaster would mean nobody was buying it. What we are seeing is average sales, which isn’t ideal, but it’s not a disaster.”

“You say it’s useless. In fact the performance tests are showing it’s above average in three out of the five key areas. What we need to do is find a way to fix the other two.”

Beware of sounding too confrontational with this approach! Your tone of voice is critical, as is sticking to concrete facts.

Disrespectful

The critic is rude, aggressive, or otherwise insensitive to your feelings.

What to do about it:

This is the one area where I recommend you stand your ground from the start, and make it clear that the critic’s comments are unacceptable. Call them out and make it clear that you don’t accept rudeness or personal abuse.

“We’re here to talk about the work, so please don’t make personal comments.”

“If you’re not happy with my work, that’s one thing. But I don’t need to take insults like that.”

In some industries, sadly, insults and bad behavior are rife, and considered just part of the culture. If you want to get on, you have to put up with it. If you’re working in a place like that, you may decide the benefits are worth it. Personally I can’t imagine doing my best work with people who don’t show me basic respect, so I’d look for an alternative. But it’s your call.

2. Ask solution-focused questions

By asking questions, listening and summarizing, you are
not
accepting the critic’s point of view, merely trying to understand it. If you can repeat their critique back to them, and get them to give you a word or nod of agreement, you have taken the first step towards a more productive relationship.

The next step is to start asking
solution-focused questions
, to get the critic to buy into a
potential
solution to the problem they have identified. As the name suggests, a solution-focused question is one that switches the focus of attention from problems (where it’s easy to get bogged down in arguments) to solutions. When you agree on a mutually desirable outcome, it becomes a lot easier to move things forward.

The moment when you move from problem-talk to solution-talk is like the moment when the aikido practitioner, having firmly grasped the attacker’s arm, pivots to redirect the momentum in a new direction.

Here are some typical solution-focused questions:

“What would your ideal solution look like?”

“If I delivered the best possible performance for you, what would you see me doing that I haven’t done up to now?”

“What has to be included in the final version for you to sign this off?”

When facing criticism, you can switch the conversation from problems to solutions by following up your summary of the criticism with a solution-focused question.

For example:

“OK the ad isn’t to your taste, but if I could show you evidence that it’s boosting sales, would you be willing to roll it out?”

“So you’re concerned that the website won’t attract a lot of traffic. But if I can demonstrate an improved conversion rate, bringing you more customers, would you be happy to proceed?”

“So there were some things you liked about my presentation, but you felt my slides and handouts weren’t up to standard. If I can fix those elements, will you give me another chance?”

“It sounds like you’re assuming X—but if I can show you that X is not necessary, would you be willing to consider an alternative?”

These questions paint a picture of a positive outcome and invite the critic to buy into it, at least as a possibility.

If she doesn’t, and if you can’t get her to describe
any
future scenario that would satisfy her, then you’ve reached the end of the line. You are not going to be able to please this person, so it’s better if you accept that now, and end the working relationship. At the very least, you will look positive and professional. You also have the satisfaction of knowing you didn’t just come out with a knee-jerk response—you gave it your best shot, gave them the chance to have a different kind of conversation, and there wasn’t much else you could do.

But if the critic does agree that your proposed solution would be acceptable, and they give you a chance to fix the problem, then something magical has happened. Instead of attacking you,
they are now agreeing with you
. Even if they are not particularly friendly, they start showing you more respect. And you now have a shot at getting the outcome you want.

Success

38. What does success look like to you?

Let’s play a little game…

In a moment, close your eyes and say the word ‘success’ to yourself.

Then notice what thoughts the word brings to mind, and what feelings it evokes.

Then open your eyes and read the rest of this chapter.

…

How was that?

Were your thoughts positive and encouraging? Were the images on your inner screen full of light and smiles? Did you feel excited and motivated?

Or were your thoughts skeptical and warning? Did you picture successful people as selfish and greedy, the kind of people you wouldn’t want to become? Did you feel repulsed by the idea of success?

Did you see success as realistic and attainable for you? Was it like a prize that was within your reach—if only you stretched yourself far enough?

Or did success look hopelessly beyond your grasp? Did you picture the Realm of the Successful like the summit of Mount Olympus in Greek mythology—a place bathed in soothing light, where the elite gather in their spotless robes and sip sparkling liquids, out of bounds to mere mortals like you?

Did you imagine success in terms of its external trappings—money, big houses, flash cars, exotic holidays, a comfortable life for your family, awards ceremonies, and your name in lights?

Or did you think about success in terms of the work you would be doing, and whether you would find it fulfilling and meaningful?

Did you see success in terms of accomplishment—solving an important problem, creating groundbreaking works of art, breaking sporting records, or setting new standards in your field?

Or did you think of it in terms of making a difference to others—helping or inspiring them, and helping to build a better society?

Were your thoughts and feelings about success simple and clear—or were they a mixture of some (or all) of the above? Did you feel confused or conflicted?

A little game with big implications

When you play this game, the thoughts that come most easily to mind are a good indicator of your image of success. And how you
see
success—even subconsciously—influences how you
feel
about success. And how you feel about it influences how you
act
towards it.

If success looks attractive, attainable, and acceptable to you, you will instinctively move towards it. Even when things get tough, you will find yourself digging deep and unearthing solutions when you need them.

If success looks repulsive, dangerous, or immoral to you, you’ll instinctively move way from it. Even when you’re consciously striving to succeed, you’ll find yourself sabotaging your best efforts by making ‘stupid’ mistakes.

If success looks unattainable, you’ll find it hard to stay motivated. Whenever you encounter the slightest difficulty, a part of you will sigh ‘What’s the point?’ and look for any excuse to give up and save yourself the pain of disappointment.

And if success is a mixture of any (or all) of the above, you will feel pulled in different directions. Your motivation will ebb and flow. You will risk being paralyzed by indecision (a.k.a. procrastination).

Time to change your mind about success?