Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility) (26 page)

Chanell’s loud ass mouth finally appeared. She and Rayna embraced like they’d been friends for years. I could relax now.
Hell, I couldn’t go into the ladies’ room with her.
I began to look for Petey. Chucky, another goon of mine, told me he was back stage. Not too long after, Petey appeared with Kim and her family who had come in from out of town. I greeted Kim and gave her a little birthday gift. It’s unusual for a man to give a gift to his man’s woman but this was different. Although Petey didn’t discuss the details of our hustle with Kim, she knew. There were many of late nights and extended days that Petey was riding with me, getting money and she never got out of pocket. Maybe it was because it was outside of her personality—I don’t know but she always held him down and played it cool. I always said if I had a woman like that I’d be married. 

Kim’s
family greatly resembled her. All the women even had the same snowman shape. She got it honestly. I laughed to myself. I know that’s how Petey liked them. Later on Petey took the stage and called Kim up. He presented her with a Chinchilla and the crowd went nuts, after which he got on one knee and hit her with a five-carat diamond ring. He proposed to her for the second time. I cheered him on from the back of the room. “My nigga!” I shouted repeatedly. Everybody in the room seemed to be cheering. Kim cried like a baby. It was hilarious.

Rayna sat in between Chanell and me. For most of the evening
, she played her seat but when the D.J. played Biggie’s “
Fucking You Tonite
” she and Chanell jumped out of their seats simultaneously and hit the dance floor hard as hell. It was like something out of a movie. I’ve seen Chanell on the dance floor plenty of times but that Rayna was something else. I got a bone just looking at her dance sensually. She had a little hip-hop in her. She sang along with the song and bounced her ass to the beat. This was definitely a far cry from the woman in my boardroom presenting a proposal that day.

This one cat from around the way named Mikey tried to grab
her. I saw Rayna nicely gesture no but he couldn’t take the hint. He grabbed her with a little force. She began to base at him. The youngin’ put his hands in her face like he was threatening her. Chanell jumped in and said something while pointing in his face. Lil’ Mikey brushed her off by pushing her hand out of his face. By that time Wop, Chucky, Dookie, Dee, and R.G. were all over Mikey. Big Dee picked him up off his feet by his hood and carried him outside. I was heated!

Petey came over and asked me about the ordeal. I told him what I had seen and he told me he’d go check on the situation. Before he left me he said, “I see you tight, yo
. Just let it ride. Rayna ain’t glass. She can hold it down.” I knew he was trying to calm me and the truth of the matter was she
was
okay. It’s just that since I’ve met her there seemed to be drama everywhere we went.

Minutes
after Petey disappeared, Rayna comes charging my way. She looked mortified as if she’d seen a ghost. I could immediately tell something was wrong and when she reached me, she hit me with some shit. She initially told me that little Mikey got disrespectful with her at Colbalt the night I saw her for the first time. That’s nothing. Goons are always at odds with dignified women. They don’t know how to communicate and always find themselves trying to save face in front of their boys or even when alone. What did blow my mind was her story about him and his boys date raping her and her girl, Michelle. I didn’t know how to process that. My first thought was
how the fuck did two women of her and Michelle’s nature encounter these block-huggers from around the way
? I fucking hate surprises.

After she expressed she wanted to go, we left.
We said our goodbyes to Kim and Petey before leaving. She gave me more details in the car. While listening to her story, I recalled having to test drive “
The Easy
” pills to see if there was a market for them before we copped them in large quantities. They didn’t make much noise in the hood so the goons took them out into the more affluent areas. It didn’t pan out for us in the end because the expense it came with; traveling outside of our normal parameters and the risk of getting knocked by
One-Time
, also known as law enforcement, exceeded the profits. I passed the connect off to my white counterparts with more selective clientele. The potential hazard didn’t fit my profile either. Along with the fact that it was an illegal substance, was the sex crimes behind it. It carried too much liability. But I did recall the area Rayna mentioned where she encountered their attackers being one of the test locations. This shit was crazy.

I knew on the surface this was a long shot, but I was convinced she was correct with her conjecture. My dilemma now was,
we know who raped and even impregnated Michelle but who fucked Rayna?
Those fucking clowns! I couldn’t have them or anyone else knowing that they fucking smashed someone I’m pursuing or in a relationship with. That could be bad for my reputation and therefore business.

All I could do was be sympathetic to Rayna. I told her I’d look into it, but couldn’t give her details as to exactly what that meant. And if I could be of any help to Michelle I would.
Of course, I couldn’t share with her my level of culpability in this matter. I knew this had to be handled underground. I couldn’t let it get to the law, which meant I had to handle this shit tonight.

I was tight that night so after the club I dropped Rayna off and went home. I was surprised to see Tara at my front door. I hadn’t seen her in almost two months and hadn’t talked to her, practically, since then as well. She’s called almost every day but I haven’t been taking any of her calls. I had been too tired to deal with
Tara’s shit. There was no need; nothing would change my mind.

As I approached I asked, “Can I help you?” When I looked in her eyes
, I noticed she’d gained a few pounds…in the face at least.

“Hey.” She wore a glum expression, even her body lacked its usual grace and posture.

“What?” My tone was terse. It was just not a good night for me and Tara needed to know this.

“Azmir, we need to talk
,” she bellowed dramatically. I wasn’t interested. “Look, I can see you’re serious about this break up thing. And I…I…I don’t think we have to throw in the towel that easily. There’s so much to look forward to…” her voice trailed off as she tried to capture my gaze.

“Things like what?” I asked curious for even half an answer. That’s when her eyes traveled down towards her shoes.

“Azmir, I’m…I’m pregnant,” Tara announced and her gaze returned to mine with tears in her eyes. I froze.  I was numb. I stole a few moments to compose myself and think. There was something about this impromptu announcement that didn’t feel right to me. I don’t think I’ve touched Tara since her birthday sometime last fall.

“Really.” I
snorted. It wasn’t intentional but I couldn’t believe her audacity.

“Yes!” she exclaimed in her baby voice. There was a long pause.

“When did you find this out?”

Tara shifted in her stance
. I could tell she was uneasy. “I’ve known for a while but couldn’t deal with it and us at the same time.”

“…by who?” I snipped.

She swung her head back and gasped for air before hissing through gritted teeth, “What in the hell are you implying?”

“Look, you and I both know you were fucking Dwayne. I am well aware of your diddling capabilities
; we’re past that now.  Let’s not go girl scout, okay?” I looked at her ready for rebuttal.

She spoke so reserved, “Azmir, I did not sleep with
Dwayne. I told you, that was between—” I interrupted.

“…Essence and them
,” I finished for her. "You’ve been singing that song too long now and I’m not buying. Honesty can take you a long way with me. Tara, if you’re pregnant and it’s my baby we’ll talk…but don’t try to use bogus excuses like this to spark something. Move on,” I stated with conviction.

She threw an incredulous gaze my way. I couldn’t give her the impression that she could
make a weak attempt at weaseling her way back in my life. I was more surprised that she’d slipped up and gotten pregnant by that Dwayne guy. She’d always been on the pill while we were together citing she never wanted children, which wasn’t in my grand scheme of things either, so it worked well. But I was left to wonder when she stopped taking her birth control and why? Had she wanted to become pregnant? And by whom?

The look I shot her told her she had no room for rebuttal. It had been an evening of blows for me and Tara’s time to deliver hers had expired. Once she realized this
, she turned with a humbled hanging head and left.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I felt like there was still some type of hold on me. The gravity of my former decisions still gripping me in a bind that I’d tried so desperately to break free of, the drug life and Tara. As soon as I felt I’d effectively dealt with my relationship with Tara this comes along and throws me back into
that
grip. Tara was convincingly conniving and a baby was a chokehold. And if she was in fact carrying my child I’d handle my responsibilities but my gut told me otherwise.
We’ll just have to wait this one out.

~~~~~~~~~~

Rayna

I was preparing for a night with Azmir Jacobs. I was at Michelle’s getting ready for our date. I showered, lotioned, applied my makeup, played with my hair, and got dressed. I bought a black, long sleeve lace mini dress that fell inches above my knees revealing my firm thighs. It was simple and absolutely flawless. Michelle loaned me the black lace Via Spiga booties that matched with it. I tried not to overdo it considering we were going to a jazz club, but it was Azmir Jacobs that I was going with, so I kept that in mind.

Although I hadn’t gotten much sleep
, I was extremely energetic. Early that Saturday morning, I’d taken Michelle to have her port inserted for pending chemo therapy. It was difficult for me, but she was a champ. Afterward, I escorted her home and put her to bed. I had to drop Erin off at her girlfriend’s birthday party and pick up a gift on the way. Before I returned to Michelle’s I went grocery shopping and grabbed up a little gift for her and then stopped at the local florist to pick up fresh flowers. The weather was letting up, as it was spring so I refused to allow Michelle’s home to be dark. Dark and grim represented death and depression and I wouldn’t give them reign there.

I offered my home to Michelle at least until she was done with her treatments. My place was bigger and near the beach. The scenery was so California with sounds of the shore and the sun beaming through every window. While Michelle’s
place was spacious and luxurious, my home was more retreat-like. She declined saying that it would disrupt Erin’s schedule. In a way she was right so I didn’t put up a fight. I made sure I had enough clothes stashed there for late nights. This morning I was sure to bring my clothes for tonight because I knew I wouldn’t have time to ride to Redondo Beach to change and be ready in time.

Michelle managed to get out of the bed and plant herself on the couch in the living room. From there she could track my every move.

“I’m so jealous, Na-Na. At least somebody is getting some around here. I want
all
the details. You’ve been holding out on me for months!” she tried to shout as I trudged from room to room in search of accessories.

“You’re not the only one I’ve been holding out on.” I swiftly crossed the room fiddling with my earrings while looking for my shoes.

“You haven’t fucked him, yet!?” she asked more in anger than disbelief.

“The time hasn’t come yet, Shelly. Please don’t start with me.” I didn’t have time to fight her wanton persona and
risk becoming flushed before seeing Azmir.

“Rayna, come and sit down here next to me.”
She patted on the sofa she perched from while watching me search frantically to complete my ensemble. After locating my shoes, I obliged.

“Look at me, honey.”
She spoke so gently pulling my face toward her with her cold and frail hands. “You are worth it,” Michelle said as I looked at her as though she had two heads. I didn’t understand what she meant or where she was going with that statement.

“Rayna, you’re worth happiness and it comes in many forms but for a young, successful, beautiful, intelligent
, and sexy woman like you finding love is one. Now, I know you’ve been through a lot with folks betraying your trust starting with your dad then your mom, men and others lying to you or deserting you. Love has been lost upon you for so long. But no matter how many times unconditional love misses you—you deserve to give it another try. You’ll find it if you believe.” Michelle looked deep into my eyes pleading with my subconscious. It was a lot to take on considering I had to be ready within minutes, but I knew Michelle had tried to get me to open up to others for years. It was a huge feat for me.

“There are still good people out there, some of whom you
will
encounter. Instead of you dismissing them from the jump you need to give love a try. I’m not the only person on earth that will love you and have your back. You need to know that you are worthy of loved-ones. You don’t have to be someone else, expect it to happen to someone else other than you, look for fault in everyone, or wait for everyone who enters your life to screw up. And you damn sure don’t have to feel that unconditional love isn’t meant for you because you’re deficient in some way. You alone are enough,” Michelle continued looking me dead in the eyes. I started to tear up.