Love, Always (28 page)

No one in the band has bothered to call or visit. In fact, they’ve replaced him entirely and will begin a new tour without him. Adam’s band. Adam’s hard work. Adam’s dreams. If I ever come across them, I’ll break each of their backs with a bat. The soulless bastards.

I force myself to think of something else. No negative thoughts, only positive. With his hand in mine, I begin to talk to him and for the first time in seven days, cry. What does it matter anyway? He can’t hear me.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “But you just lying here isn’t really something I know how to handle. I want to see your smile, Adam. I want to feel those lips on mine and I want your hands to squeeze me back. I want to hear you sing.” I stop to catch my breath and put my head on top of both of our hands. “I miss you. Please come back to me. I can’t lose you. I love you, baby, like I’ve never loved anyone. You’re my missing piece. You always were.”

I let go of all my emotions on top of him until I’m shaking and gasping for air. Please, God, please bring him back to me. Please don’t make me live without him.

I’m so lost in my grief and tears that the soothing hand on my hair doesn’t register until I hear a familiar “
shhh
”. The same hand swipes away the tears and snot running down my face, making me cry harder.

I can’t believe it.

I hold onto Adam’s outstretched hand and kiss it until I hear him laughing.

This is happening. This is real. Adam, my sweet and sturdy Adam is back.

Unable to stop the tears to talk, I stand up on shaky legs and lean over Adam’s bed to embrace him. His arms go around me automatically, and I nearly collapse when he whispers my name in my ear.

“Shhh,” he repeats, but there’s no stopping the downpour of tears. But at least they’re happy tears. “My Dee,” he whispers again.

I hear the nurses come in, but I don’t break my embrace. I need to feel him right now. I continue to kiss him gently while he does the same until I feel a sense of normalcy return to me.

“You came back,” I finally manage.

“I came back for you.”

“Don’t leave me again,” I demand when I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder. I know the nurses have to check him, but I need him to promise me he won’t leave me.

“Never.”

I cup his face in my hands before I leave his side so the nurses can tend to him. “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby girl.”

“Always.”

He keeps his eyes on me while the nurses work on him and he gives them one of his smiles when they make room for me to be by his side. Our hands collide into one another, needing the connection and comfort.

Once the nurses leave, I text Hayley to let her know Adam is awake and let him know Josie is on her way to see him. He smiles back at me, but already his eyes are growing tired, and I’m terrified of him falling asleep.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he tells me, reading my mind.

“You need to rest.” I touch his face, and he presses his face against it.

“You’ll wake me when Josie gets here?”

I nod. “She’ll wake you herself. She’s been really loud trying to get you to wake up.” I laugh, but I don’t feel any humor in it.

“How long was I out for?” he asks, closing his eyes. I want to pry them open, not let him sleep, but I try to be logical and not panic.

“A week. Seven days.”

“That’s too long.”

“Yeah,” I snort.

He opens his eyes and begins to move in his bed, which causes me to rush to his side.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just want my girl close to me.” With a lot more bravado than I’m sure he feels, he continues to inch his way to the other side of the bed.

On a sigh, I ease myself on the bed and lie down beside him, careful not to touch any of the various tubes or wires sticking out of his body. I turn my head to kiss the side of his lips, and he smells so good I can’t help but close my eyes and breathe him in.

“Next time tell me what you’re doing so you don’t give me a damn heart attack.”

I feel him chuckle lightly beside me, but just as quickly, he drifts off to sleep, and for the first time in a week I relax. This is the closest I’ve dared to get to him out of fear of hurting him or upsetting the nurses, but now with my body pressed against his, I’m happier than any silly little happy pill could make me.

With Adam back, I relax and find the sleep that has been dodging me for days. And I dream a dream so good I’m actually upset when Adam’s nurse wakes me to take his blood pressure. She opens her mouth to say something to me, but I shake my head softly at her, putting my fingers to my lips, hoping she’ll take the hint not to wake Adam.

She shakes her finger at me in mock disapproval, but quietly takes his blood pressure. I smile gratefully, because I know all about the hospital regulations that prohibit me from sharing the hospital bed with Adam. But, hell, it’s not like he’s in any position to do more than just lie here next to me. After she leaves, I position my head so that it rests on Adam’s and close my eyes. Instead of listening to the machines that surround the room, I focus my attention on Adam; his breathing, his scent, his fingers that remain entwined with mine. Without thinking it possible, I fall back to sleep and don’t wake up until Hayley arrives with Josie.

I almost hate to wake Adam, but Josie’s reaction to her daddy is something I will remember for years to come. She babbles at him, probably catching him up on everything he’s missed in the past week, and Adam listens patiently to her, replying whenever she gives him the opportunity. Their bond is beautiful and magical and everything she deserves.

When I say Adam has my heart that is a lie. The truth is he is my heart. And I can’t go anywhere without my heart, which is why I stay by his side until he is discharged. Watching him wake up with the same panty dropping smile he had before coming to the hospital is humbling. He is the very definition of nonchalant bravery. But the fear has to be in there somewhere, so I stay by his side just in case it comes out to play unexpectedly. I don’t want him to be alone when the fear grips him completely. Or maybe I want to be near him when my own fears take over.

I’m grateful when Adam is finally discharged, but I continue to linger by his side, afraid that one moment without him will be the moment I lose him. It’s hard to move on from that fear and while I know Adam’s patience must be wearing thin, I can only breathe easy when we share the same space. And at night I hold onto him tightly, needing to feel his body heat and warm breath on my skin as a reassurance even in our sleep.

As days turn into weeks, Adam easily glides back into his usual routine while I struggle to maintain a sense of normality. But all pretenses of normality evaporate one morning when I wake up by myself. I scramble out of bed, my breath coming too quickly, but not enough while I try to steady my brain.
He’s okay
, I tell myself, but my nerves have already taken over, and I practically fall on his feet when I stumble into the kitchen.

“Hey,” Adam whispers, catching me before I fall. “What’s wrong?”

I look into his concerned eyes and try to hold back my tears and hysteria. Adam pulls me to his chest and smooths my hair down with his hands as he strokes my back.

“Talk to me, sweetie,” he whispers, but I shake my head like a child, not wanting to talk or admit to my fears. “Dee.” He pulls me back, and I close my eyes, not wanting to face him. “Dee,” he demands and I bow my head ashamed at my irrational behavior.

“You weren’t in bed when I woke up,” I say quietly. “I got scared.”

“Sweetie.” He pulls me to his chest again and I hear him sigh.

“It’s stupid, I know, but…” I trail off. But what? I’m crazy. Yeah, I think that’s pretty obvious.

“Sweetie,” he says again and sighs.

I pull away from him and sit on the couch with my hands wrapped around my chest. I’m making us miserable.

“We have today.” He sits down beside me and pulls me to him where I settle my head on his chest, where I can hear his heartbeat. “The only promise we have is today, you and I know that better than anyone. So hold on to today and cherish what we have, baby girl, without worrying about tomorrow.”

He’s right. Of course he’s right.

“Okay,” I nod. “Okay.”

“You’re gonna start off by having a spa day with Hayley,” he tells me, and I lift my eyebrows at him. “And I’m taking my little girl fishing.”

“Fishing?” I feel my heartbeat accelerate, but take a breath, reminding me of Adam’s words. Live for today. Cherish what we have without ruining it with worries I can’t control.

“I’m no longer a part of Wasted Circle. I need a hobby ‘til I get the music school started.”

“You’re not gonna fight them? I mean, you started the band, Adam. You and Josh.”

“It never felt all the way right without Josh.” He shrugs. “Besides, I want to stay by my girls.”

“To keep my panic attacks at bay?” I joke and he laughs.

“You’re kinda cute when you panic.”

“I am not.” I slap his shoulder playfully.

“And needy.” He smiles when my mouth drops.

“I can’t stand you.” I move to stand up, but he holds me by the waist and sits me on his lap.

“Lies,” he laughs in my ear. “All lies.”

“I’m going shopping after the spa,” I decide with a satisfied smile.

“Just remember, I’m currently unemployed,” he grins, “so don’t break us.”

“You forget, I’m a best seller.” I do my best to saunter away from him, swaying my hips from side to side and look back to make sure Adam is watching. Which he is.

We have today, I remind myself when I close the door and put more space between us than I’ve allowed since his accident. All the todays in the world wouldn’t be enough, but it’s what we’ve been given. I smile back at the closed door, somehow knowing we’ll share a lot more todays and moments. He did after all come back once for me. He’ll do it a hundred times over if needed.

Adam

In one moment, in a lifetime of moments, I thought I was lost. Gone, never to hold Dee or Josie again. But in that same moment, I remembered my promise. I promised Dee always, and always is what I intend to give her. I fought through the darkness and confusion and pain so I could get back to her, to my home and family. I fought so I could keep my promise to her and to myself.

I kept my promise and through it I'm able to realize the gift I’ve been given. Corny, I know, but my life is a gift. Every life that has touched mine, even for the briefest of moments, are gifts. It’s hard to see that when you’re grieving and blaming yourself. But now that the grief and guilt are gone, I can see more clearly.

I’m here on this earth for her, my girl, and the daughter she gave me. They are my purpose and my life. I won’t squander that away with shame and heartbreak for things outside of my control that are long past.

Just like I told Dee, we’ll live for today and cherish what we have.

Josh - Four Years Later

Like a breath of fresh air, Dee walked into my life and left her mark on every part of me. One lifetime with her wouldn’t have been enough, and ironically we weren’t even granted that much.

I wasn’t exactly a good person, but when I was with her I felt good. The first time our eyes met, I felt hope. When she smiled at me and introduced me to my obsession with her dimples, I knew I’d give anything to have her in my life. In the end, I gave everything for her and still sometimes I don’t think it was enough. Given the chance, I’d do it all over for her.