Love, Always (27 page)

It seems like every one of my blog subscribers not only bought my book, but forced their friends to do so as well. And when Adam tweeted about his girl self-publishing a book, the sales went through the roof. I’m waiting for the NY Times to come knocking on my door, begging for an interview. Now, I just have to wait for the reviews to come in.

Some will come in on their scheduled stops on my upcoming blog tours and hopefully others will trickle in as readers finish my story. Gah, I hope it doesn’t suck.

“Turn it off,” Adam calls from behind me.

I forcefully shut off my brain at Adam’s request, and sit on the floor with him and Josie. I listen to Adam read her a story as she smacks the book with her flailing hands, and I can’t believe in a few hours a complete stranger will decide our fate as a family. Not that I think she’ll decide against us. I mean, if my parents were able to prove that I’m crazy, then they also proved how unfit they are to even be called parents.

Hayley and Max arrive on time to watch Josie, and I can’t help but grin at the trio. I wonder what my parents would think if they knew Josie’s babysitters consisted of a fellow crazy and a homeless guy. But my friends and I only go to show that you can’t judge someone based on circumstances that are outside of their control.

My mom waits for us outside of the arbitrator’s office by the entrance, and when I try to pass by her without acknowledging her, she grabs my arm, forcing me to stop. I know from the expression on her face that she has something to tell me, so I glare at her, not wanting to hear anything from a woman who was incapable of being a parent, yet wants to take my daughter away from me.

“Your dad and I never wanted kids,” she begins, and again I try to walk away from her.

If she was trying to make me feel better, she’s failed tremendously. But at least I know it’s not something I did or didn’t do.

She keeps her hands firmly around me and says, “Your dad and I got married, knowing we didn’t want kids. We wanted to enjoy our lives without being held back. But when we found out I was pregnant with you, I couldn’t bring myself to abort you.”

Gee, thanks for not killing me, Mom. I don’t say those words, but they surface so close in my mouth I’m surprised I didn’t. That’s gotta be a sign of maturity, right?

“You were a part of us, still are. Your dad wasn’t convinced, so I promised him that having you would change nothing. We could still travel, see the world, and live our lives how we always envisioned it.”

“At my expense,” I blurt out, the pain of their negligence too much for me to keep inside any longer. “You kept me, but I was never yours.”

“You’re right,” she agrees. “Of course you’re right. What we did to you and what we didn’t do for you wasn’t fair. I can’t change that.” My mom, my proud mom, has the decency to bow her head as she speaks. “I chose your dad over you and will continue to do so. When he suggested we visit our grandbaby, I was so happy, and when you turned us away, he was outraged and demanded we take custody of the baby.”

“You can’t have Josie,” I say simply.

She shakes her head sadly. “No, but for a moment I thought he had changed, that having a grandbaby had changed him. But he only wanted her because you had undermined him. I’m sorry.” She quickly wipes away a tear, but I refuse to let myself feel sorry for her. She chose her life, and regardless of what she thinks, the life she chose didn’t include me. “I’m sorry for how we treated you and I’m sorry for trying to take away your daughter.” She hugs me awkwardly and quickly whispers in my ear, “Be a better mom than me.”

I don’t have time to nod before she walks away from me and towards my dad, who is waiting for her by the car. Without thinking, I run towards her, already having forgiven her for something that was out of her control. She can’t change who she is any more than she can change who my dad is. I can either continue to hold on to that anger or let it go so it can no longer hurt me.

I hug my mom to me, letting her shed her tears on my shoulder, and I know this doesn’t change anything. I still don’t have a mom, because this moment won’t change who she is. I’m okay with that, because I have Adam who is literally by my side, stroking my back as my mom sobs in my arms. And I have Josie.

I’m so entrapped in this moment, that I don’t even see it coming. One minute I’m holding my mom, the next I’m lying across the asphalt with my knees bleeding from the sudden impact. I don’t know what happened or how I got here, but I see my mom next to me in a similar state.

I get up slowly, turning my attention towards a growing crowd behind me. Still in a daze, I limp towards them, hoping I’ll find Adam and he can explain what’s happened. I’ve never heard of an earthquake in Florida, but if life has taught me anything it’s that anything is possible.

Some of the bystanders try to stop me, but I ignore them. My only goal is to find Adam and make sure he’s okay. I mean, he’s gotta be okay, but I feel my heart slamming in my chest, telling me different. Nothing could prepare me for what I encounter. Nothing, not even a lifetime of disappointments.

My heart literally stops beating in my chest when I see Adam, my sweet Adam, sprawled on top of a white car while his dark red blood bleeds down it. I feel someone’s arms go around me when I fall to my knees, but I push them aside and force my way towards Adam.

This isn’t happening. Please, God, this can’t be happening.

Adam

I don’t know how Dee can forgive her mom, but I see it flash on her face the moment she does. I take her hand and together we walk the short distance to her mom, who she envelops in a tight hug. That’s my girl. I rub her back in small circles while she comforts a mom who never offered her the same comfort.

They never hear the car horn or see the car swerve towards us to avoid hitting another car. But I see it all unfold slowly and the last thing I hear before pushing Dee and her mom out of the way are the brakes screeching, but it’s too late. I know this, but at least Dee is safe.

I’m sorry, Dee
.
I promised you always, but this little span of time we were given is far better than an always without you.

I feel pain for only a minute before the darkness takes over.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I left Adam while he was on tour. I left him that day, but a piece of my heart stayed with him. Just like now. Only this time, Adam left me and just like before, my heart has stayed with him. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do without him.

I haven’t tuned myself out this time around. I’m stronger. Adam made sure I was. But it’s still hard to do the simple things like breathing. Or hope.

Three days have passed. Three days, but the steady heartbeat from the machine attached to Adam gives me a glimmer of hope. Adam’s big, beautiful heart will see him through.

I have stayed by his side since he arrived at the hospital, and I only leave him for short spurts when I go to the bathroom. Hayley and Max bring Josie twice a day so Adam can hear and feel his daughter and know that we are waiting for him to return to us.

I try to remind myself that his lifeless body is just an illusion since everything else seems to be working fine. His brain just has to make that connection so he can wake up.

For the second time in my life, I find myself lost in prayer. But it’s different this time. It almost feels like someone is listening, like someone cares. Maybe someone always cared. Maybe it was me who was lost in despair unable to see it or feel it.

Adam will fight his way out of this for us, for his family. I feel him fighting every time I touch his face, brush my fingers through his now short hair and hold onto his hand. Adam won’t leave us.

I take the basin of water away from the nurse and bathe Adam myself. I gently clean the bruises littered all over his body and kiss each one before I move on. I trace my finger over the scar on his face, and follow it to the head wound he sustained when the car hit him. Closing my eyes, I will Adam to open his.

His injuries are minor, I remind myself. Well, it was minor considering the actual trauma of being hit by a car. Two broken ribs, a displaced shoulder, scrapes and bruises that will fade, and the direct blow to his head, causing brain trauma. The breaks will repair themselves. The shoulder has already been put in its rightful location. The swelling will go down. Adam will open his eyes. Life will continue as we planned.

I kiss Adam lightly over the new bandage I’ve put over his head and sit by his side and wait.

Five days have passed since I have seen Adam’s eyes, but I remember everything about them, including the depth of love that always shone out of them.

The swelling in his brain has gone down substantially. The doctors are optimistic, and I expect him to call out my name any day.

I’ve put my condo on the market and hope it will sell soon. There’s nothing I want more than to start out my life with Adam, although I won’t buy a house without him seeing it. It will, after all, be our home.

Adam, Josie, and me. They’re my home, my life, my all. Always.

Josie doesn’t understand what’s going on. She calls out to her dada when she sees him, but starts to cry when he doesn’t go to her or respond. I don’t know. Maybe it’d be better if she didn’t see him, but what if Adam forgot what he was fighting for if he doesn’t hear his little girl’s voice?

It’s been seven days, a long strenuous week. While I know Josie needs me at home, I feel Adam needs me more, so I continue to stay by his side and long to feel his arms around me, pulling me towards him.