Living a Lie (36 page)

“It’s not what I want,” she said. What she wanted was to turn the clock back, but that was like asking for the moon. She gave a little laugh, saying philosophically, “But then, we can’t always have what we want, can we?”

Mildred mused on Kitty’s wry comment before advising, “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you of all people how sometimes we have to settle for what we have… instead of what we want.” She regarded Kitty’s face, the elfin features and abundance of dark hair, the telling brown eyes with their thick dark lashes. And not for the first time she wondered what would become of this big-hearted young woman.

“About Jack…” She had Jo pursue it, because she truly believed that in the circumstances, being Jack Harpur’s wife would be the best solution for Kitty. She couldn’t bring herself to speculate on the way it would also salve her own conscience for the blow she was about to deliver.

“I honestly think you should consider his offer. He worships the ground you walk on, and has few vices that I can think of. Oh, I know I didn’t take too kindly to him at first, but I’ve come to feel he would be a good husband to you, Kitty. You wouldn’t go short of anything either.”

She felt there was more to Mildred’s enthusiasm than she was admitting.

“Why the hurry to get me down the aisle?” Her forthright gaze met Mildred’s.

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Getting out of her chair, Mildred plodded on bare feet to the other side of the room where she stood with her back to the sink and her face turned up to the ceiling. Biting her lip, she asked, “What do you think of Eddie?”

That was not the question Kitty had expected. It threw her for a minute.

“I liked him,” she answered.

“He seems a really nice bloke.”

She smiled.

“I’d say he was smitten with you, since he hardly left your side all evening.”

Mildred’s gaze softened.

“Would you be very surprised if I told you he’d asked me to marry him?”

In a minute Kitty was across the room.

“That’s wonderful!” she exclaimed giving her a hug.

“You sly thing… a proposal, and you never said a word!”

Mildred had not dared to hope for such a reaction. The relief showed on her face.

“Don’t you mind?”

Kitty laughed for joy.

“MIND!”

She danced her aunt round the room.

“I’m thrilled for you.” Now she was firing questions.

“You said yes, I hope? When is it to be? Can I be maid of honour?” Suddenly aware of the severe look on Mildred’s face, she drew away.

“What’s the matter?

Is there a problem? “

“Not for me. Kitty. But I’m afraid my getting married does pose a problem for you.”

“In what way?”

“Eddie wants me to live with him. But, I’m still in such a mess. My ex is abroad all the time, but he’ll be back with a vengeance. I’ve managed to fend him off so far, as you know. But the house will have to go.”

Surprised that Mildred should ever want to sell this lovely old house, yet realising that it was her aunt’s decision and no one else’s, Kitty reassured her, “If you’re worrying about me, then please don’t. I know how hard it’s been, though you’ve put on a brave face through it all.

Now, maybe the time is right to let go. “

Suffused with shame, Mildred told her quietly, “I should have told you before, only I was too much of a coward. You see, I’ve already found a buyer. I had the estate agent here one day while you were at work. He had a couple on his list who were looking for a place like this, in this area.” Steeling herself against the astonished expression on Kitty’s face, she went on hurriedly, “I’ve already exchanged. I’m sorry, but we have to vacate this house two weeks from today.”

Kitty could hardly believe her ears.

“TWO WEEKS!”

“I know I should have told you,” Mildred muttered, “Eddie kept on to me to tell you, but I couldn’t bring myself to come out with it.” Her voice broke and she hung her head.

“I’ve always been a coward,” she croaked.

“Nobody knows that better than you.”

Kitty didn’t hesitate. Taking the wretched woman in her arms, she said, “You’re no coward. Look how you got yourself together again after the break-up of your marriage. I’m happy for you, and I don’t want you to worry about me. You’re right, of course … you should have told me, given me time to adjust, time to look around for a place of my own. But it’s all right. We all make mistakes.” Me more than most, she thought.

Feeling as though she’d had the stuffing knocked out of her. Kitty sat down again.

“There are always flats coming up over Bromham way. I’ll ring a few agents in the mom326

ing. As for furniture, I’m sure I’ll find what I need at Peacock’s auction rooms. “

“Oh no!” Mildred wanted so much to make amends. Eddie’s bungalow is lavishly furnished, and I won’t need half of what I’ve got here. Take what you want. Kitty. I’d much rather you had it than put it out for sale. “

She loved the furniture in this house. It was old, and loved, and full of character. If she searched high and low she would never find the like.

“Are you sure?”

“You’d be doing me a great favour,” Mildred confessed.

“Please, Kitty… take whatever you want. I know you’ll look after it.”

Kitty’s brown eyes shone with pleasure. She looked at the beautiful dresser that had been handed down through generations.

“You wouldn’t sell that, would you?” she asked, knowing how Mildred cherished it.

“Yes, I would,” Mildred lied.

“If you don’t take it, it will have to go to the auction rooms.”

“I don’t believe you!” Kitty was incredulous.

“It was your mother’s and her mother’s before her.”

Mildred smiled serenely.

“Kitty, you’re talking about your own grandmother… and great-grandmother. The dresser has been mine for many years, and now it’s yours, if you want it.”

“Thank you. I would love to have it.”

They embraced then, and it was as though they had been travelling for a very long time, neither of them knowing which way life would take them, meeting and parting, their paths merging one with the other. Now they were parting for good, each going her own separate way, and it was a sobering thought.

For a while they talked of exciting things, like where

Mildred and Eddie would be married, and where they would spend their honeymoon; what kind of dress Kitty would wear when she was maid of honour. They promised never to lose touch.

“It would do my heart good to see you married and settled,” Mildred persisted.

“I know how you would dearly love to be a mother, to make a proper home for yourself and your family.”

“I don’t know that it will ever happen,” Kitty confessed. It had always been her dream, and now it was gone, with Harry, and his wife, and the life they were building together. It would be Susan who bore his children, and she would have to live with that knowledge.

Sensing the despair in her voice, Mildred told her, “There’s time enough yet. You’re still very young.” She knew Kitty was yearning for Harry, and feared it was a bad thing.

Later, when the two of them had gone to their bedrooms, they both lay, too excited to sleep. Mildred wondered about the future, filled with plans and hopes, and wishing she had met Eddie years ago. Kitty was still awake when the dawn rose, casting a soft and beautiful glow over her little world, a world that was soon to disappear like the night sky. Kneeling by the window, with her chin resting on folded hands, she was just a little afraid of the future.

“Where do I go from here?”

she asked. She felt incredibly lonely, the kind of loneliness that she had not felt in a very long time because now it was mingled with hopelessness. She could see the future laid out before her a small flat overlooking a busy road, endless rows of traffic at the front, and someone else’s back yard at the rear. It would be all she could afford, yet she must try to make it into a home. And even that would take money, probably more than she had in her savings account.

She began thinking about all the things she would need. Even with Mildred giving her furniture, there were all the other items, personal things that Mildred would take with her to her own new home, like cooking utensils, pictures to decorate the walls, and all the many artefacts that make an empty place a home.

The only truly beautiful thing in that flat would be her grandmother’s dresser, and her only visitor would be Jack. Georgie was too far away, and too taken up with her own life. Harry had said a final goodbye, and her aunt would never again be there when she needed to talk: in the middle of the night; over the breakfast table; in the evening after a hard day at work, when Mildred would sit with her feet in a bowl and the two of them would chat about this and that, and none of it important.

Only now did Kitty realise how few friends she had made. The prospect of being alone in that flat was bleak.

“How can it be a home when there’s no one there but me?” she whispered.

For one brief moment she even entertained the idea of marrying Jack.

After all, he did love her. She would have security, and she had come to feel affection for him. But affection was not enough. If she were to marry Jack she would be living a lie, cheating not only herself but him, and that would not be fair.

Thrusting the idea from her mind, she climbed into bed, but there was no rest. She spent a restless hour or two, subconsciously fearful of the future, waking and sleeping, thinking and wondering, afraid of the emptiness that stretched before her. Finally she sat up, her mind in a whirl. Maybe it was time to make plans, to do something that would take her right away, open up a whole new world for her? Yes! That’s what she would do. Tomorrow, she would think it all through. Tomorrow, in the light of day, she would be able to think more clearly.

With a lighter heart she fell into a deep contented sleep;

not realising that so often the promises we make ourselves are destined to be broken, thin strands of hope, severed by the way in which others weave their lives, and in the way those lives touch on ours.

While Kitty slept, two events were taking shape. Both disturbing. Both would influence her destiny for many years to come.

“But it makes sense to marry me!” Jack argued. Mildred and Eddie had gone to see the florist, leaving Jack and Kitty talking.

Jack believed he would never get a better chance of persuading Kitty to be his wife. Ever since he’d been told that she was to be turned out of her home, he had taken it on himself to be her protector and provider, if only she would let him, “Why should you live in some poky little flat, when I can build you the house you’ve always wanted? We could go to Cyprus for our honeymoon… make our way there on the cruiser if that’s what you want.” His eyes lit up at the thought.

Kitty got up from her chair and stared at him. In a firm voice she explained, “I’ve already given you my answer, Jack, and it’s no!”

“And you still won’t change your mind?”

“Please leave, Jack. I promised my aunt I would write out the place cards. The hotel needs them tomorrow, together with a seating plan.”

Til help you. “

“No!” Swinging round, she faced him with angry eyes.

“I’m better on my own.”

“All right.” Shrugging his shoulders, he thrust his hands in his pocket and scowled.

“If that’s what you want?”

“It is.”

“But we’re still on for dinner, aren’t we?” As always he had driven her to the edge of her patience.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s just that I can’t stand the thought of you living alone. I want you with me. I want to take care of you.”

“JACK!”

For all his faults she couldn’t help but like him.

“All right! All right! I’m going.” And he went quickly, before he ruined what was left of their relationship.

Sighing with relief, Kitty settled down at the dining table, to write out the place cards. When that was done, she turned her hand to wrapping the present she and Jack had bought the happy couple. It was a splendid oil painting, a seascape that could grace any room.

“I’m sure they’ll love this,” she muttered, sticking a silver bow on the top right-hand corner.

That done, she went upstairs and began rummaging through her wardrobe.

“Didn’t realise I had things I’ve never even worn,” she observed with some surprise. It wasn’t all that often she went to the shops, although of course. Jack was always sending her little presents . silk scarves, expensive jumpers and even a whole box of sheer nylons that languished on the bottom of the wardrobe unopened.

“You’re too extravagant, Jack Harpur,” she chided with a little smile.

“The way you spend money, it’s a wonder you’re not bankrupt.”

She went through the drawers, cupboards and bedside cabinets, sorting the good from the bad, the needed from the unwanted, and when it was all done, she had four carrier bags, two cardboard boxes, and a huge bundle filled with things that were hardly used and never likely to be.

After that she showered and changed, answering the telephone in between, cringing when each time it was Jack at the other end.

“You are still coming out to dinner with me, aren’t you?” he pleaded in the first call. In the second he confirmed the time he would collect her;

in the third, when Kitty threatened not to answer the phone again, he told her he loved her, he was sorry, and there was nothing more he wanted in the whole world than for her to be his wife. Kitty warned that if he was going to pester on that particular issue she would not come out with him.

“Hand on heart I won’t,” he promised.

The fourth and final call was again from Jack, pleading with her to understand why he couldn’t take her out after all.

“You know that forty-foot Birchwood I’ve been waiting for all day. Well, it’s just arrived. It’s an absolute beauty. I can’t trust the driver to put it in the water, not with that crane playing up. The prospective buyer wants to try it out first thing in the morning, so I’m sorry, darling, there’s nothing for it but to roll up my sleeves and put her in the water myself.” He pleaded for her to understand, promising they would enjoy their dinner out another night.