Letting You Know (34 page)

Together,
we roared down that early morning road, the repetitive lyrics of the
holidays on our tongues.

I
was thankful, truly.

Such
noise allowed me to escape the worries building up inside my head.

****

It
wasn't until the first stop for gas that Deacon finally asked me
about my family.

Standing
there, filling up the tank, he spoke to me through the crack in the
window. “Anything I should expect ahead of time, Leah?”

“
What
do you mean?” I asked, tipping my empty coffee container upside
down sadly.
Maybe
I should fill this up while we're here.

Jiggling
the nozzle, he squinted at the numbers as they rolled upwards on the
display. Seeing the cost of our trip straight in front of me, before
we were even done, was not comforting. “I'm just wondering if
there's... maybe, you know, some warnings or heads ups or something
before I walk into this.”

“
You
mean, you want me to prep you for meeting my parents?”

“
I'd
feel a bit more confident, I'll be honest, if I knew what I was
heading into.” Winding the tubing back up, he shut the small
tank-cover on the side of the car.

I
can understand that logic, easily.
Opening
the passenger door, I motioned to the store with my travel mug. He
understood what I wanted to do right away, his smile quirking up on
one edge.

Together,
we entered the gas station, the place looking bright yellow in the
daylight. “Okay, well, if you have any particular questions,
just ask. Otherwise, you're meeting... I mean, I've told you before
about them.”

“
In
a sense, yes,” he admitted, watching me fill up the metallic
container with fresh coffee. “But Leah, you haven't actually
told me much about them. You've only given me an understanding of the
situation, as a whole.”

The
apologetic tone in his voice held back my knee-jerk desire to feel
upset.
He's
right, I haven't said much about my parents. Not specifics, and only
the bad stuff. Actually...

Grabbing
a packet of small chocolate chip muffins off of a shelf, I headed to
the front register. I waited until we were back outside in the icy
air to speak again. “So, you're right. Let me try it this
way... I'm kind of pulling a 'you' right now, Deacon.”

“
I—what?”
He stared at me while I climbed into the car, shutting his door
heavily.

Slurping
the hot drink in my hands, my eyes shut quickly. “Yeah. You
didn't tell me about your brother, right? I never really told you
about my little sister, I don't think, either.”

“
I
vaguely recall you mentioning her, actually.” The engine
rumbled, returning us to the road. “But it was... brief.”

That's
right, I let that slip out the night I told him everything.
Remembering
how I had sobbed, his body holding tight against me under a tree by
the street, it made my face warm.

“
Do
you not talk about her because of some weird jealousy?” He
asked, smiling sheepishly at his roundabout way of admitting his
conflict with Nicholas.

Tugging
open the doughnut package, a tiny laugh escaped me. “Not
really. Her and I just never got along, we were never close. We
fought
constantly
about everything.”

“
Alright,”
he said thoughtfully. “So, what's her name?”

Chewing
the chocolate pastry, I turned my head, watching the frosted trees
fly by outside. “Her name is Savannah. I guess she's the same
age as Nicholas.”

“
And?”

“
And?”
I repeated, offering him one of the doughnuts.

Deacon
took it, glancing at me quickly before returning to watching the
road. “And tell me more. I want to know about these people.”

You
think that, but I'm not convinced.

Licking
my thumb, wasting time, I sighed. “It won't matter, I doubt
you'll meet her. I haven't seen her in... three years, at least.”

“
Do
you guys just not talk, at all?”

“
Nope.”
The doughnut in my belly felt heavy and unwelcome. Washing it down
with the searing hot coffee was a welcome sensation. “I don't
even know how to get in touch with her, or where she is. She was
staying with my aunt Fanny for awhile, now I'm not even sure of
that.”

We
didn't even have much of a last conversation. She called me to say
that Mom and Dad were back in town, and that was it.

Deacon
said nothing for some time. Nibbling the snacks, we drove in silence,
each lost in our own mind.

Wiping
his hand on his jeans, he cleared his throat. “Okay. Tell me
about your parents, then.”

Laughing
nervously, I sank deep into the seat. The belt tugged at my
shoulders, arguing with my slanted position. “This is sort of
hard for me.”

“
Sorry,”
he said gently, clearly meaning it. Turning my head, I studied the
fine wrinkles of his knotted eyebrows.

He's
nervous, like I was. I have to remember that. This isn't about just
me anymore.

“
Here's
the thing,” I started, stumbling along my words as I rambled.
“The people I knew, the parents I grew up with and struggled
with up until two months ago? That... my mom didn't sound anything
like that when I talked to her this morning. I don't know about Dad,
but from what she was saying, things...” I was terrified to say
it, to admit it and find it wrong later. “Things might have
changed, Deacon.”

“
Do
you have any idea why?”

Crinkling
the empty wrapper in my hands, I balled it up roughly. “None.
They've got an apartment, they sounded healthy... she said things
have been crazy for them. I have no clue what that means. Crazy,”
I said again, testing the word.

He
shifted on the seat, slowing down around a curve. The signs
indicating we were approaching the highway glittered green with new
ice. “Maybe I should have just asked for their names.”

Startled,
I covered my mouth to muffle my giggles. His grin was smooth, though
he didn't even look over at me. Composing myself, I tucked my hair
behind my ears.

He's
so good at removing the discomfort in the air.

“
Tammy,”
I said gently. “And his name is Joshua.”

“
I'll
probably just call them Mr. and Mrs. Rook, honestly,” he mused.
“But thanks, it's good to know who they are.”

I
watched him a moment longer, then stared back out the window. The
world flew by, blurring easily so I couldn't tell one thing from the
next.

It
would, indeed, be good to know who they are.

I'm
not sure I actually know anymore.

It
was dark by the time we made it over the line and into my home state.
Both of us were exhausted, the drive draining us completely.

On
the map, I glanced over for a quick eyeball of where my parents' new
apartment should have been. I knew the state pretty well, it was
small enough to memorize most of it.

“
You
know,” I wondered out loud, reaching for my phone. “I
just thought of something.”

“
Hmn?”

“
I
think I'm going to text Colby.” My fingers were already writing
the message out. “I've emailed him some, but we haven't seen
each other since I left. I didn't even say good bye to him.”

Deacon
made a sound of agreement, driving slowly across quiet streets. It
was Christmas Eve, everyone was inside enjoying the warmth and season
with loved ones.

Will
we be doing that, soon?

My
phone vibrated with the fast reply. Fumbling, I opened it to peer at
the bright screen. It turned the entire inside of the car an eerie
blue.

“
What's
it say?” Deacon asked.

Smiling,
I began typing a response. “He wants to meet up tomorrow. I'm
telling him we literally only
have
tomorrow before we need to leave. Maybe we can grab a late dinner
before we hit the road.”

“
Yeah,
if you want to squeeze him in among the time with your parents,
that'll have to be the way we do it.”

I
wish I had more time. I can't believe I'm even back in this state.

Colby's
final text was a simple one:

'Can't
wait.'

Grinning
in delight, I closed the cell and slipped it into my pocket. “Guess
we try to squeeze him in before we leave, then.”

“
Are
you excited?”

“
Sort
of,” I admitted, eyeing the brightly lit roads. Holiday lights
adorned almost every house, making the place I'd grown up look far
prettier than I ever recalled it being.

When
I left, all I could see was the dirt, the grime, the poverty. Now...

Did
things look different in the cloak of winter snow and Christmas
baubles?

Deacon
slowed at a stop sign, glancing out at the lake that stretched along
our right side. “How much further?”

“
What?”
I asked, lost in memory.
That
lake, I used to go fishing there all the time as a kid.
“Oh,
uh, not much. She said they were down Maple, which is coming up.”

My
boyfriend peeked in the mirror, checking behind us. Seeing no other
cars on the empty road, he idled at the stop sign. “You
alright?”

Clutching
my fingers in my lap, I gave a weak shrug. “I'm having trouble
deciding. Coming back here is making me remember all sorts of things.
It's... deciding how to feel is...”

“
You
don't need to decide anything,” he whispered, reaching across
to grab my knee. “Leah, this is going to be strange no matter
what you try and tell yourself. But don't be scared of it being okay,
it could easily be such a good experience.”

Gripping
the top of his hand, I linked my fingers into his. “I know,
you're right. I'm struggling to just let myself go with everything. I
keep second guessing my emotions.”