Letting You Know (15 page)

“What's weird, now?” The voice came from behind us, my
brother waltzing into the kitchen casually. He was clean, recently
shaved, not that he seemed able to grow much facial hair as it was.

My
jaw tightened; I met my mom's eyes, then turned away. She spoke
first, sweet as honey. “Morning, dear. How did you sleep?”

“
Great!”
He declared, heading to the fridge, pouring himself a glass of milk.
“Just great, exactly what I needed.” Sipping the drink,
he smiled at me, eyes tracing up and down my figure. “Going
out?”

“
Just
getting some shopping done,” I said, wishing I'd had more time
to talk about the elephant in the room with my mom.

“
Oh,
nice. I'll come with you.” He finished his milk, then rinsed
the glass out in the sink.

Blinking,
I opened my mouth to argue, but stopped when something touched my
wrist. Looking down, I found my mother had reached across the table,
her soft hand on mine. The expression on her face was one of a silent
plea. It appealed to my already heavy guilt.

“
Alright,”
I sighed, flashing her a tiny smile. “Fine, we can go
together.”

“
Let
me get my coat,” Nicholas said, hurrying down the hall towards
the hangers.

She
gave my wrist a squeeze, then let me go. Leaning back, she stirred
her coffee with a small spoon, seeming content. “Thank you.”

“
I'm
only doing this for you,” I admitted, my voice tired. “I
didn't want to spend time with him.”

“
I
know,” she said. “Again, thank you.”

Turning
on my heel, I began to leave the kitchen, until her words called me
back for a brief second.

“
Deacon,”
she said gently, drawing my glance. “Like I said... just give
me some time.”

Her
words didn't inspire confidence in me. I wished she would have simply
said she liked the girl I was falling for, that she just approved in
some fashion.

Give
her some time... What other choice do I even have?

I
left without responding.

****

Neither
Nicholas nor I talked for some time as we drove into town. That was
fine with me, I wasn't sure what I could even say to my brother, what
conversation we could force with the tension hanging over us.

Reaching
out, he turned on the radio, letting the music blare. Christmas
carols plagued us both, breaking the quiet with something only
slightly more tolerable.

“
I'm
sick of these,” he admitted, clicking the music down again.
“You'd think one station would just settle for playing anything
besides
holiday songs one year.”

“
Mn,”
I agreed softly, turning the car towards the street that led into
town.

Again,
neither of us spoke. Not until Nicholas finally sighed dramatically.
“I can feel how pissed you are, Deacon.”

“
Yup,”
I said bluntly, glancing up at the sky. The clouds were still chunky,
not dropping the snow they wanted to.

“
Is
this seriously what you're going to do this whole time? Be silent and
angry with me?”

“
I
haven't exactly decided yet.”

“
Man,”
he laughed, scratching at the side of his head. I felt his eyes on
me, but refused to look away from the road. “You're kidding.
You're the type that tries to plan everything out three steps ahead.”

Opening
my mouth, I went to disagree, but was too surprised by the
accusation. “Wait, what?”

Nicholas
adjusted his seat, leaning back. “It's true, you were always
trying so hard to be prepared for everything. Even when it came to
other people. So, I don't know, it's hard for me to believe you don't
already know what you're going to do about this whole—”

“
Hold
on,” I said, biting the air. “Where are you getting this
from?”

“
Uh,
from me? Did you decide to forget I grew up with you or something?”

“
I—of
course not.” Scowling, I gripped the wheel and guided the car
around a corner. “That's a ridiculous thing to even say.”

“
Whatever.”
He snorted, staring out his window, confusing me further with his
silence.

Is
he serious?
I
wondered, unsure what to make of this revelation.
Does
he really think I plan everything ahead that much. Or worse, that I
erased him from my history?

“
Look,”
I said, fighting to decide on how to phrase my thoughts, “this
whole thing is a mess. You can't expect me to just be
happy
about you and Bethany, can you?”

I
felt his eyes on me, and risked a quick glance as I slowed the car.
That face was hard, scrutinizing. “I don't think you've ever
been happy for me.”

“
Oh,
come on that's—”

“
But,”
he cut me off, “maybe this once you should try it. If she and I
are
happy together, what's the big problem?”

“
Nicholas,”
I growled in frustration, “she hurt me, she hurt me really bad!
Do you not grasp that?”

“
I
grasp it,” he said quietly, “but I don't think you're
seeing my side of things. Or hers, for that matter.”

That
shut me up, I couldn't decide how to respond. Fighting a surge of
anger, a wave of guilt, the combination struck me breathless.

Impossible,
of course I see their side. They just don't seem to care how painful
it is for me to see her... to see her again, or at all.

It
isn't about seeing them happy... right?

Pulling
into the parking lot of a retail store, I cut the engine. Leaning
back, I twisted until I could squint at Nicholas full on. I wanted to
watch his reaction. “Are you and her
actually
happy together?”

“
Do
you really want to know?”

I
paused, before nodding quickly. “I do.”

He
was studying me as much as I was him, I could tell by the
contemplative wrinkle across his forehead. “I love her,
Deacon.”

It
was like being stabbed, a searing pain that made me hiss through my
teeth. I had lied to myself, lied to him, thinking I was prepared for
such a thing.

Holding
my stomach, my body went limp in the seat, eyes shutting as if to
hide the evidence from me. The honest, serious look in his eyes when
he had uttered those words...

It
was impossible to escape.

He
really means it.

“
Hell,”
he breathed out, encouraging me to crack my lids. “That really
hit you hard, didn't it? Are you sure you don't still, you know, want
her—”

“
No.
No, that's not it. I'm just... I guess hearing that, it sort of took
the wind out of me.” Chuckling in defeat, I let myself look at
Nicholas and tried to see past my irrational emotions. “I don't
think I care that you're dating my ex... I think it's more that she's
dating you. Does that make sense?”

“
Perfectly,”
he sighed, unclasping his seat belt. “You really don't want
anything good to happen to me, do you?”

“
I—what?”
Baffled, I watched him exit the car without looking back at me once.
“Nicholas, hey! Dammit,” I mumbled, wriggling out of the
door, following him. “Wait up, hey!”

He's
wrong, he has to be wrong.

That,
or maybe... maybe I really don't like the idea of him being happy?

The
idea made me sick, so I took long strides to catch up with my
brother. He managed to get through the automated doors of the store
before I finally could grab his arm. “Hey!” I shouted.

Nicholas
wrenched away, glaring at me hotly. “Don't touch me, Deacon.
Just back off.”

“
Look,
calm down,” I said carefully, my head pounding from the turn
this had taken. Wasn't I the one who was supposed to be angry?

“
I
don't want to calm down,” he growled, stomping down an aisle.

“
Nicholas,”
I groaned, following him desperately. “Please, just talk to
me!”

“
No,”
he shouted over his shoulder. “How does it feel to have someone
refuse
to listen to you for once?”

That
shut me down. Standing still, I watched him walk away until he
vanished deep into the store.

What
have I done?

Reeling
from shock, I held my skull and hunched over. Time stood still, a
long moment in which I fought to keep from throwing up what could
only be acrid bile. I still hadn't eaten anything, the apple had gone
forgotten on the table after my mother's conversation with me.

Exhausted,
weak, I leaned on the shelf of stuffed animals, amazing myself by not
collapsing.

Everything
is all messed up. Is it because of me? Have I really done all this?

Nicholas
thinks I have nothing but resentment for him... my mother questions
my rationale in investing in Leah...

Leah,
am I hurting you, too, by not being able to grasp how I really feel?

And
what about...

What
about Bethany?

The
very concept that I could have been in the wrong in regards to her
was too much. My worldview was flipping, it sent me spinning into a
blackness that brought nothing but the most painful of memories.

Five
Years Earlier

We'd
managed to go on several dates over the course of our summer after
junior year. Each of them was glorious for me.

At
least, initially.