Letting You Know (31 page)

Biting
the inside of my cheek, I tried to relax my shoulders. “What
does that have to do with the Killer Sons?”

“
Well,
I admittedly didn't know who they even were at the time. Deacon
entered us into the school talent contest. I guess he thought us
singing a version of a song by a newish, up and coming band would
really work for the crowd.”

My
tongue felt fat, it filled my mouth. “Which song did you guys
sing together?”

Blinking,
Bethany let her eyes wander from their fog of nostalgia, to my pale
expression. “The song? Oh, uh, Rain Flow.”

Rain
Flow. He sang Rain Flow with her.

“
Are
you alright?” Her voice seemed far away.

Lifting
my head, I made myself smile through my waves of sickness. “Yeah,
sorry. Uh, did you guys win that contest?”

“
No,”
she shrugged, wrinkling her nose. “I still think if Deacon had
worked a little bit harder, we'd have put on a better show.”
Her blue eyes flicked to me, taking in the color of my skin. “Um.
Never mind any of that. Are you sure you're alright? It was stupid to
bring that up, I'm thinking.”

“
Oh,
no,” I said, waving my hands in front of me. “Uh, it's
just a little weird. This will sound strange, I know that even before
I say it, but when I heard Deacon sing Rain Flow the way he did...”

It
made me want him. After having struggled to convince myself to forget
him, to not bother, that night when he sang... I felt it. I felt like
he was singing to me.

And
now I know he sang that way with Bethany.

Unable
to finish my sentence, I closed my mouth, eyeing my palms.

“
He's
a good singer,” Bethany said abruptly. “And a good guy,
in general.”

I
lifted my eyes, heart thumping with distress.

“
You
don't need to explain how you felt,” she hurried on. “I
understand. But look, that whole thing with me and him... we were
kids. That song isn't even special to me.”

I
don't care about that, I need to know if it was special to him.

Staring
at my fingers, I picked at a nail. “We shouldn't be going down
this road, but we're here already. Can I ask you why you broke up
with him?”

“
Oh.”

Her
simple word gave me a flutter of shame. Wincing, I slid to the edge
of the bed, imploring her with my eyes. “Sorry, I shouldn't be
asking this.”

“
Probably
not,” she agreed, her voice light, thoughtful. Her lashes
caressed her cheeks when she closed her eyes. “Why did I break
up with him... Did he never tell you? Did it just not come up?”

“
He
definitely doesn't like to talk about it. He told me that it had to
do with the distance.”
He
told me he was scared I'd move away and he'd have to go through
similar pain all over again.

Lifting
the book from her lap, she set it on the bedside table by the lamp.
“That was part of it. Long distance is hard, even with the
strongest of couples.” Looking at me, she considered her words.
“I'm not sure we were as strong as that.”

“
Did
you—did you love him?”

“
That's
blunt,” she frowned. “Yes, I did love him. But not...
everything, or maybe just not enough.” Laughing bitterly, she
rubbed at the corners of her eyes. “Sorry, this is making me
sound terrible. We were high school sweethearts, aren't those
supposed to be the ideal? Don't they always work out in the movies?”

Thinking
about my own first boyfriend, I wasn't sure I agreed.

“
Anyway,”
she said, not waiting for my answer, “Deacon and I just had
different ideals, different goals. Maybe I just didn't believe he
could make things work out, he always seemed on the edge of falling
apart... of letting his dreams get the better of him...” She
stared at me, eyes made from melting ice. “I think I might have
been wrong. But hindsight doesn't matter much when you fall in love
with someone else. Or, well, if your ex falls in love with someone
different.”

My
heart throbbed, hearing her utter those words.
Does
she think Deacon... that he loves me?

“
When
did you know you were in love with Nicholas?” I blurted,
embracing the change of subjects.

Bethany
seemed relieved, her eyebrows smoothing as she gave a self-conscious
laugh. “What a question. I'm not positive, I guess I sort of
realized it recently.”

“
When
did you guys start...?”

“
June,”
she mused, looking upwards. “The end of June. It's been six
months now, hasn't it?”

That
long... maybe it is weird for me to already think I'm in love with
Deacon, so fast.

Or
maybe not... if he really loves me, too.

How
can I know? Do I just need to tell him, take the risk?

Inhaling
slowly, I fell back on my pillows. My body and mind both felt drained
of energy. “So, then you've told him?”

“
Yes,”
she said softly, glancing across at me as she snuggled back under her
blankets. “We've said it. Have you—I mean, sorry, that's
rude—”

“
We
haven't,” I said quickly, frowning hard at the admission.
“Not... yet, anyway.”

Bethany
said nothing, her eyes on the ceiling in thought. I copied her,
watching the swirls of old paint, my brain a mess.

I
had so many questions, so much I wanted to know, and wished I didn't.

“
Hey,”
I said carefully, wary of the ground I was treading. “Who said
it first?”

“
...Nicholas.”

“
And...
when you and Deacon were together...”

Her
silence was heavy, the quell before a storm.

Maybe
I don't want to know, maybe she doesn't want to say. Maybe...
maybe...

“
Deacon,”
she whispered, like her throat was closing around the name, keeping
it at bay. “It was Deacon who said it first.”

Leaning
over, she turned off the lamp, bathing us in darkness.

“I've already told you. No!”

The
shout ripped me from my sleep, from dreams I couldn't have been sure
weren't nightmares.

There
had been many of those, still.

Downstairs,
I heard more angry voices. Only one of them I recognized clearly; it
was enough to make me certain I knew the other.

Why
is Dr. Day yelling at Deacon?

Sitting
up, tugging a sweater over myself, I slid from the bed. Bethany was
gone, I noticed. With a warm heat on my neck, my nerves on edge, I
moved carefully down the stairs.

The
voices became stronger, confirming my suspicions when I paused at the
bottom of the steps. Deacon was standing in the hall, his father mere
feet away.

Gingerly,
I stepped backwards, not wanting them to see me.

“
I
know
you said no, Dad. I heard you. You're not hearing me, though. You're
going to stay here for another two days anyway, why can't I just
borrow the car for a quick trip?”

“
Because
it isn't a quick trip,” Dylan grumbled. “You're asking to
drive all the way to Rhode Island, it's going to take you all day!
You'll have, what, tomorrow before you need to leave?”

I
could only see Deacon's profile, but his sheepish smile was obvious.
“I thought we'd leave tomorrow night, be back here by morning
the day after Christmas. It'll be tight, but if we drive on from here
right away, we can catch our flight.”

“
No.
No, Deacon, this is outrageous.” Mr. Day scrubbed at his scalp,
an action I had seen his son copy so many times. “You're asking
me to let you drive my car out in this awful weather, just so that
girl can see her parents for—”

“
Leah.”
His voice was sharp, like arguing was something they had both done to
the point of routine. “Her name is Leah, Dad.”

Sighing,
Mr. Day hung his head. “Listen to me, son. I respect that you
like this girl, but this is ridiculous. It's a waste of time.”

A
waste of time... is he right?

Before
I could sink into a pit of guilt over making the pair of them fight,
another voice broke in. It was smooth, feminine, and unexpected when
I realized who it was.

“
You
can borrow my car,” Bethany said, pushing between them both.

Deacon
stared, his mouth opening uselessly. “I—but, Bethany, are
you sure?”

Her
shrug was light, as if this was such a non-issue. “You'll be
back late the day after Christmas? I can handle that, Nicholas and I
aren't going anywhere, anyway.”

If
Deacon was shocked, I was blown away. I'd been trying to push aside
any strange feelings for his ex. Hearing her explain how she loved
Nicholas last night, it had helped... though there was still a deep
sting inside of me from learning that the song I loved had a
different origin to Deacon.

But
she wants to help us. How can I be anything but grateful?

Deacon
seemed to have the same thought process. Smiling, he reached out,
pulling her to him for a deep embrace.

I
was astounded that my heart didn't stop; perhaps I'd actually begun
accepting their past meant nothing, now. “Bethany, you're
amazing. Thank you, this means so much to me... and to Leah.”

Lifting
her head, she glanced up at me on the stairs, meeting my eyes calmly.
“I know.”

Clearing
my throat, acting like I had just woken up, I walked down to the
bottom step. “Uh, morning, everyone.”

He
looked surprised, but my boyfriend quickly let Bethany go. We were
all so close already, I was hesitant to move into the hallway and
take up more space. Deacon reached out, giving me no option as he
pulled me close. “Did you hear the news?”

Looking
up, I found Dr. Day staring at me. It was the solemn expression of a
man who'd been beaten, but that felt the defeat was impossible. “I
heard something about us borrowing Bethany's car.”

“
Yeah,”
she said, tucking her hands into the pockets of the mauve hoodie she
had on. “I think it's fine. Just drive carefully is all I ask.
I'm in no rush to go anywhere, though I figure you guys have a plane
to catch in two days.”