Letting Go (8 page)

Kelly nodded thinking of Robin’s posters. So far they were all male, but that didn’t mean he was gay.

“But the real thing, the thing that clued me why he wasn’t interested in me, was the picture he’d snatched off his bed and stuck behind his back. But I had already seen it. It was of Tommy Swearing, the senior quarterback—”

“At Miller High School. Yeah, I remember him. Big, dark, lots of muscles… so he was looking at his picture and that made him gay?” Jessie’s story made no sense.

“No. I asked why he had the picture. After going back and forth, he told me, made me promise never to tell. He and Tommy played around… and it wasn’t football either. But those are signs. We’re in Key West. Florida…Thousands of miles from Virginia. What did Robin bring with him on this trip? What did he bring to keep him connected to what he values? He brought a poster and he brought a picture. The poster isn’t an athlete or musician; it’s a Latin male model selling cologne. The picture is a white teenager in a football uniform.”

Kelly’s thoughts swirled recalling her training. Nothing in Robin’s childhood behavior hinted he preferred boys. Nothing. “That doesn’t mean he’s gay.” She wasn’t ready to consider the possibility of failing her son. And that’s what Robin being gay would mean to her small circle of friends and their large extended family. His mother failed him. Homosexuality was the real unforgivable sin in her hometown.

Her head hurt remembering that conversation with her mom’s sister, Aunt Edna ten years ago. The woman would be doing flips and then launch into an “I told you so,” rendition of the speech she had given Kelly when she announced her pending divorce to Arnold.

“A boy needs a father,” her aunt snapped, slapping her hand on the table.

Kelly’s gaze met her sister’s with a silent plea that she not interfere. Jessie frowned and looked away, no doubt swallowing a few sharp words.

“A woman needs a man,” Kelly said, straightening, wondering why it hurt that her aunt attacked instead of supporting this once.

“No, a woman can make it without a man, but a boy needs someone to teach him how to be a man. You need to stop being selfish and think of your son.”

The accusation stung. “I cannot make a man a father any more than I can make him a husband. He has to want to be a part of his son’s life…I can’t make that happen.” What the hell was she supposed to do? Arnold had been very clear. He didn’t want her or their son in his life. He had another family. The woman he had been sleeping around with was pregnant and he intended to be with her.

“You can stop this divorce nonsense, move back here. Arnie comes from good stock; his folks will help raise the boy. Your boy needs to learn how to be a man, he’s too soft.”

“It doesn’t matter where he lives, Aunt Edna. When we lived in the same town, he never came to see Robin. Moving back here so his family can raise him is not going to happen. Arnold does not care about his son, not this one anyway,” she said slowly with a definite bite in her tone. The older woman pointed her thick finger at her while sucking her teeth in derision. “You’re wrong and you’re stubborn. Always was hardheaded, but you’ll see. One day you’ll wish you’d a listened to me. A woman, a mother, has to make sacrifices for her children, don’t matter that he don’t want you. It’s what’s best for that young boy in there. Without his father, he will grow crooked.”

She frowned. “Crooked?”

“You know what I mean. Not straight.”

Jessie hugged and held her as she spoke. “No, sis, it doesn’t mean he’s gay. But if he is, you need to prepare yourself and help him. The world’s not kind to those who look, live or believe differently. I don’t need to explain that to you. But Robin’s going to need you on his side, not just with words, Kell. You’ll need to love all of him, embrace that he’s walking a different path than you planned for him. It’s his life after all and your job is to help him, not live for him.”

The pain in her sister’s voice and the tears that wet her shoulder reminded her of her sister’s constant battles with their grandmother. They’d lost their parents early and lived with granny. It seemed every other day; Jessie couldn’t leave the house or lost privileges for something. Kelly never understood why Jessie couldn’t just do things their grandmother’s way.

“What happened, Jess?” She stroked her sister’s back, returning the comfort she had just received.

“Nothing unusual. Christian and I broke up last week.” She turned to the side, her profile hidden.

Kelly hadn’t expected the bald statement and couldn’t lock down the gasp that escaped.

Jessie wiped her face with the back of her hand, offering a watery smile. For a few moments clouds covered the sun, and the room darkened in agreement with the depressing conversation. “Asshole, he walked away from the best thing to ever happen to him.”

Kelly nodded. “You’re right. And I’m sorry. I know you really liked him.” She didn’t know what else to say. Christian had lasted longer than the others and she had hoped he’d be the one to tame her wild sister. Sharing her good fortune with Grant seemed wrong and out of place, besides she needed to deal with Robin.

“I love him. That’s a first for me.” Jessie turned and sat on the sofa.

“Marc?” Kelly walked into the living area, sat in the comfy arm chair, and stared through the sliding glass doors. The wind had picked up, and she saw a ship in the distance.

“You know I married Marc to move out of grandma’s house. College wasn’t my dream like yours. Marc joined the military and got me out of Alabama. Nice man, we had fun, but when he retired and wanted kids, I did the best thing for both of us and left.”

“He would argue that.” Marc had tried for months to get Jessie to give their marriage a real chance, but her sister had always said she didn’t want children. Unable to compromise, that became their deal breaker.

Jessie waved off her comment. “Old news. Back to what we were discussing before we got sidetracked…Robin. You need to talk to him.”

“I can’t.” She frowned. For the past six years she had been working on her Doctorate. Eleven years of college ate up all her weekends and free time. Had she missed something? A boulder sized knot lodged in her chest, pressing against her rib cage at the mere possibility of Robin being gay. She read the reports, took the seminars, understood the dangers, the hatred, and the discrimination. She did not want that for her baby.

Jessie sounded too certain for her to ignore the possibility. But he played rough sports, preferred spending time with his teammates and other martial artists, some were girls. All this time and she’d never paid attention. Good Lord, she never dreamed she’d use her counseling skills and knowledge of the gay community with her son.

“Yes, you can. Robin is big for his age, plays football, and other sports. Chances are no one will bully him like smaller boys. But that’s one part of it. I’m concerned about his mind, Kell. I don’t want him to think he’s inferior, or that he can’t reach the stars because he’s gay. He can. But not if he feels inadequate or that he’s disappointing you,” she said, her face set in stern lines as if she would write her words a thousand times to make sure she understood.

Kelly’s mind raced over everything her sister said, but she just couldn’t make the same leap. As a single parent and school administrator, she thanked God her son never gave her any real problems. She had no horror stories of him stealing her car, or coming home drunk or high, or him wanting to hang out on street corners or with gangs. Many of her friends looked at Robin in admiration, often telling her she was lucky.

Gay?
Robin attracted to other boys? The dots refused to connect. She crossed her legs and placed her hands on the arms of the sofa. He had a picture of a guy in a football uniform, so what?
Homosexual
? She shook her head, unable, or unwilling, to consider the possibility.

Jessie moved to the corner of the sofa, reached over, squeezed her hand and asked a question. “What if I am right?”

She met her sister’s gaze and moistened her lips with a quick swipe of her tongue. “I would be disappointed if he’s gay. I don’t want him to be that way. I want him to grow up normal, meet a woman, have kids… I want grandkids.” The biased words tumbled from her mouth. She wanted to stop them, but they were true, and since this had to be make believe, she had no problem saying them.

Jessie nodded. “Okay, you’ll be disappointed, that’s understandable. But will you stop loving him?”

“No!” Her immediate answer rang true and clear. “How could you ask? He’s my baby, I’ll always love him. Never question that. He’s
my
son.” A low throb began at the base of her neck.

Her sister smiled in what appeared to be relief. Had Jessie thought otherwise? Granted, using the words gay and Robin in the same sentence sent coils of tension to her stomach and her head throbbed beneath the weight of possibility. But her absolute love for him would never cease.

Jessie continued to hold her gaze. “Can you separate his choices, the things he enjoys, that which makes him happiest, from him being your baby?”

Kelly frowned. “What? What are you asking me? He plays video games all the time, I don’t like that, but I don’t separate anything.”

“This is a little more than playing games. Although, chances are that’s where he meets his male friends anyway. It’s global now, Kell.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?” she asked, confused. One moment they were discussing her loving her son, now the conversation had flipped to video games.

Jessie sat back on the sofa and stared at her. “You have no idea, do you?”

“About what? Robin being gay? No. I don’t think he is.”

“No. He is, but we’ll get to that in a moment. You have no idea what happens when he logs online to play video games.”

Since she assumed he played video games, she remained quiet. In the back of her mind, a seminar she’d attended about online gaming floated to the top of her memories. Jessie was right. Once Robin logged on, he could connect with anyone in the world. The internet removed community and country boundaries.

Chills raced down her back, robbing the feeling in her fingertips as other nuggets of data surfaced. Porn sites populated the internet with all types of traps for unwary youth. School had robbed her of time, but that excuse held no value. Her child always came first.

“When he logs online, people from all over the world are already playing. They have chat rooms where they meet and talk. He can talk and play games with another person for hours. That’s the beginning of the relationships. He doesn’t need to deal with someone local, someone he can bring home and introduce to you. A lot of it starts online and grows for years.”

Her mind shied away from Jessie’s words. Would her sister just shut up so she could think? Robin did spend hours online playing his games. During the school year she monitored the times closer than in the summer. He didn’t ask for much, stayed home most of the time or practiced sports. It never occurred to her he did more online than played games. The pain at the base of her neck intensified.

Kelly glanced at her sister; the seriousness in her gaze squeezed her heart. “You really believe he’s gay?” Her voice a ragged whisper. She wouldn’t accept this, not until Robin confirmed his preferences.

“Yeah, Kell. Look, all I’m suggesting is that you have a talk with him, be prepared. You’re the only parent he has, so you need to do it right.”

The implication she would mess up irritated her. She stood and walked toward the kitchen, the need for privacy with her thoughts pushed her into the other room. A few minutes later, she found no peace and had no answers. Pain had latched onto her with a parasitic grip. “I’ve got access to resources, but I refuse to deal with this now. It’s spring break. We’re here to relax and have fun as a family. If Robin is what you think he is, then a talk can wait until I’m ready to deal with his answers.” She eyed Jessie until she nodded. It bothered her how confident her sister seemed. “What makes you so sure he’s gay?”

“I heard him tell BJ he missed him and wished he was here.”

“BJ? Who’s BJ?” She knew all of her son’s friends, but never heard that name.

“BJ is the guy on the picture Robin brought with him.”

“What picture?” She frowned trying to remember.

“I told you, a poster and a picture. I saw the picture and asked who it was, he said his friend BJ. Later, I was coming around the corner and overheard his phone conversation when he told BJ he missed him.”

“Well that doesn’t mean… it could be a good friend or something.” Her rationale sounded lame and desperate.

“I know. But it was the way he said it, Kell. The sound of his voice when he told his friend he missed him. I’ve heard it before from Christian. That’s when I knew for sure my nephew, who I love with all my heart, is gay.”