Letting Go (9 page)

Chapter 6

Five days had passed since Jessie sprung the news that Robin might be gay. To her eternal shame, Kelly spent those days watching him, seeking signs and trying to see what her sister saw. She didn’t call Grant or return his phone calls. Instead she sent random texts that said nothing much other than hello. Her appetite waned and she couldn’t focus. Damn Jessie for ruining her vacation.

On more than one occasion, Robin caught her gaze and asked what was wrong. No way could she mention her conversation with his aunt. Instead, she either smiled or walked off, or kissed his cheek and told him she loved him. She hated the doubts drilling relentlessly in her mind. At dinner three nights ago Jessie asked Robin how was BJ. Her son’s face lit up like Christmas even though he responded with a simple, 'okay.'

Jessie gave her a meaningful I-told-you look. Robin missed the glare she sent Jessie. Instead of paying them attention, he stared at the wall wearing a soft smile before putting the piece of meat that hung on the tip of the fork in his mouth. She had spent the past two days researching her notes just in case BJ wasn’t a girl.

Her sister had backed off, and for the most part their time together in the Florida Keys was quiet. The trip dwindled to the final day. She wanted the conversation with Robin while the three of them were together. If Robin was gay, they would need Jessie’s support.

“Mom, I’m gonna hang outside with Micah and them for a bit. I’ll be back later,” Robin said as he passed her on his way to the door.

“Hold on a sec.”

He stopped and looked back at her. Their gazes met. His held a question. She cleared her throat and waved to the dining room table.

“I need to talk to you a minute.”

He nodded and headed toward the dining area. She heard a door open, but didn’t turn as she took a seat facing Robin. The words she had rehearsed many times in her mind tripped over themselves. She couldn’t get them to line up and make sense. Her heart raced as she gazed into his dark brown eyes. A young man on the brink of becoming a man. She wiped her palms against the side of her jeans. Breathing became a struggle. How could she ask him? Her throat tightened and her gut churned. Bile rose in the back of her mouth as the words she planned to ask fought for freedom.

“What’s wrong, Mom? Is it dad? He’s been calling you again?”

The question surprised her and broke the paralysis. “What? No. Well, yeah, he’s been calling. But I don’t have time to talk to that fool.” Her ex had discovered life wasn’t better on the other side of the driveway. He’d lost his job due to lay-offs, and when his money ran out, his much younger wife took their two daughters and moved back to her parents. From what Arnold told her, his wife had him tied up in court over child support. She hung up when the crazy man started comparing her to his current wife.

“Okay?”

She inhaled, prayed for strength and spoke. “Are you gay?”

He jerked back as if she slapped him. In truth, she preferred a slap than this conversation. His mouth dropped open and then snapped shut. “What?” His voice sounded strangled.

“You heard me, don’t make me ask again.” Pain and disillusionment clouded her vision. Her baby, her one child, please Lord.

“Why’re you asking me that?”

Her heart sank further with no hope of retrieval. “Answer me. Are you gay?” Certainty, which had been her mainstay, abandoned her in the face of his question. Time took a vacation. No one moved. Her heart left her chest altogether the moment he didn’t deny it. Most straight men would have yelled, “No.”

“No, Mom. I’m not gay.” He didn’t sound offended, or curious. His voice held a tinge of sadness, like someone did him wrong.

She exhaled. A block of relief rolled off her shoulder. Life was good. Everything was good. Her son was good. Normal. Not gay.

“I’m bisexual.”

What the hell
? Her hand flew to her mouth to stop the shriek threatening to erupt. “Bisexual? What? You like men and women? I mean boys and girls? No… male and female?”

He glanced over his shoulder at his aunt, licked his lips, and returned to meet her gaze. “Yes, Ma’am. I like them both.”

She shot Jessie a hot glance. Had her sister talked to him about this bisexual nonsense? Jessie held up her hands and shook her head. Okay. “When did this happen?”

“Happen?” He sounded confused.

Wanting to shake him, she placed her hands on the table to keep from grabbing him by his shirt. “When did you start liking boys?” she snapped, unable to accept his claim. Jessie straightened in the hall and frowned.

Robin’s eyes widened. “I…I…” He bowed his head and looked away from her. “I like both, Mom. I’ve always liked both. Girls just don’t… they don’t like me.”

Everything she learned that told her to have a calm, rational, conversation with him flew out the window. Anger, shame and guilt collided, creating a toxic cocktail. “What? What are you talking about? Girls look at you all the time. Have you tried talking to a girl? Have you ever given a girl any sign that you’re interested?” Vibrating with rage, she rose from her seat, leaning over the table. “Have you?” she screamed.

He remained rooted in the same spot. Not moving, and not speaking. Out the corner of her eye she saw Jessie move and raised her finger to stop her. This was between her and her son.

“I asked you a damn question. Answer me,” she demanded, moving close enough to see the track of tears run down his cheek.

“No,” he whispered.

“Why not?”

“I’m scared.”

“Why?”

“Don’t know, I just am.”

“But you’re not scared to talk to boys?” She spat the words at him, unable to fathom his choices.

“Sometimes, but it’s not the same.”

Tears sprung to her eyes. “You’re gay? My son… my son is gay?” she asked, the reality of the situation slipped into her broken heart.

“I’m…I’m not gay.” His voice cracked as he wiped the tears from his face.

She stared at him. “Who is BJ?”

His eyes widened and then he closed them tight.

“I’m getting tired of asking questions and you not answering them.”

“He’s… he’s…” He rocked from side to side in his chair, something she hadn’t seen him do in a long time. His nervous gesture masked something.

She glanced at Jessie, who’d walked into the room but remained separate from them.

“I didn’t hear you, what’d you say?” She frowned when she realized he had spoken and she missed his whisper.

“My friend.”

She frowned. “Your friend?”

“BJ is a friend.”

“A friend?” She crossed her arms, refusing to leave or back off until satisfied.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

She waited for him to say more and when he didn’t she shook her head. “Robin look at me.” Her heart twisted and then slammed in her chest at the tortured look on his face. This was her baby. The boy sounded confused. He claimed to like both sexes, but her heart and mind said no. There was no way he wouldn’t answer her over some random friend. Her son liked BJ, a lot.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

She watched the truth flash across his face before he turned away.

Damn it, she wanted to scream her frustration. Why my son? Had she done something wrong? Should she have remarried just so he could have a man to imitate? Her aunt would say yes. Kelly shut out the older woman’s strident voice and opinions.

“Is he?” She ignored the tensing of his shoulders and then how he seemed to deflate before her eyes. They had a don’t-lie-to-me-policy that had been in place since he was five and received the worse whooping of his life for lying. She needed him to say it. Admit he had a boyfriend. Admit he was deceiving himself. Admit he liked the same sex. Lord, please let him deny it, her heart prayed.

“Yes.” Shame, hurt and something else, perhaps relief, filled his voice.

Chapter 7

“You’re throwing the ball much better, better than I did when I was your age,” Grant said, gulping down air as he ran toward his son. “Keep that up and you’ll go high in the college draft next year. Any idea where you wanna go?” He slapped his son on the back as they headed toward his car. Heavy clouds robbed them of the waning sunlight. The park had emptied quickly, no doubt everyone wanted to avoid the pending storm.

Blair smiled at him. Pride filled Grant to the brim. His son looked like Priscilla, his mother; same thick dark hair, wide forehead, square jaw, sharp nose, but his wide mouth and rascally smile belonged to Grant.

The dull persistent ache in his thigh from the accident intensified into sharp stabs of pain. He’d run too long on his bum leg. He knew better, but enjoyed the time he spent with his son. On the football field he could share his skills and knowledge to help the youngster reach his goals. Grant excelled at this sport unlike some of his academic homework.

That made him think of Kelly, she’d been quiet since her return from the Florida Keys, giving excuse after excuse why they couldn’t get together. It still amazed him how he fell so hard and fast for her. He thought they had something solid, at least a good start. But she'd dropped him like a social disease and he didn’t know why. That didn’t stop him from thinking about her. In the quiet of the night, she consumed his thoughts, and he prayed for strength to leave her alone.

By the time he reached the car his leg was on fire. Thirst for water and something stronger burned his throat. It had been two years since he’d drank of the grape. He was stronger than the nothingness offered in the bottle. Each day he proved that to himself and his family.

“Wanna grab a bite to eat on the way home? Or wait to see what Ava left in the oven?” he asked while pulling out of the parking lot.

“Home. I’m tired and need to get my homework knocked out. If I don’t keep my GPA up, it won’t matter who wants to draft me next year.”

Grant nodded even though it was on the tip of his tongue to disagree. Times had changed and if his son played as good next year as he had their previous season, the coach would hire a tutor to walk him through every class. That’s what they had done for him.

“Good. I want you to make better grades than I did. Have a backup plan. Don’t make sports your life.” He caught himself when Blair nodded, turned, and looked out the window. No more speeches. What happened, happened. He needed to let the past go.

They drove in silence for a while, his mind on his plans for the week. His campaign team had booked him at numerous locations to introduce him to as many voters as possible. The upcoming primary was the first hurdle, if he won against the other candidate in his party, then he’d have the party backing to go against the Democrat incumbent.

“Did you hear me?”

“Huh?” He glanced at Blair and then back to the road. “Sorry, I was thinking of my week, what’d you say?”

“I’m going to the movies Friday night with friends.”

Grant nodded. “What you going to see?” Maybe he’d call Kelly; it had been a couple months. He squashed that thought. She didn’t want to be bothered; he had to let it go. He tried to think of someone else he could tolerate for a few hours and came up blank.

“Uh… we haven’t decided yet. Whatever’s playing.”

Surprised his son didn’t have a movie picked out, he glanced in his direction. “You? You, mister I-know-every-fact-about-every-movie-ever-made, have not decided on a movie? This is a first.”

Blair’s cheek reddened and he dipped his chin. “I know, right? It’s between two flicks, just haven’t picked one.”

That sounded more like his son. “Which two?”

“Magnificent Seven or Tanner’s Hide.”

Both movies competed for “best films of the year.” Either would be a good choice. Going to the movies was a good idea. Maybe he’d call Ashley. If memory served correctly, she was talented with her mouth and didn’t talk much. A movie and uncomplicated sex sounded like a good way to kick off the weekend.

He waved to the security guard, and drove through the gate into the community where he and his parents had homes on opposite sides of the subdivision.

“Thanks for working with me on that throw. I’ve been having trouble connecting with the players on the field. It’d be cool, both of us leading our high schools to state championships.”