Lesser Gods (28 page)

I heard the door open, and a moment later, Alia announced hesitantly, “Addy? Laila’s here.”

“Hi, Laila,” I said in a monotone, remaining in my chair facing the giant glass panels that looked down over the city below. “Don’t you have school?”

“It’s Saturday, Adrian,” Laila informed me.

“Oh... Well, Terry’s not home, you know.”

“I heard from Ms. Gifford,” said Laila. “I’ve been trying to see Terry for a few days now and I can’t even get her on the phone. You don’t know where she is, do you?”

“No,” I replied. “Terry’s like that.”

“I know,” said Laila, laughing quietly. “How are you doing?”

I suspected that my sister had already told Laila exactly how I was doing, but I lied anyway, “I’m alright.”

“Don’t I wish,”
said Alia’s sour voice in my head.

Suddenly Laila asked brightly, “Say, do you want to come with me to the park? Alia too, of course. I’m guessing Terry hasn’t been taking you outside as often as she used to.”

That was true, but mainly because these days I refused to go out when she offered. Terry could order me to the dojo for training, but not to the park for fun.

“I want to go, Laila,” Alia said happily.

“Great!” said Laila. “How about you, Adrian?”

“I’m sorry, but no,” I said stiffly. “I’m a little tired right now.”

There was an uncomfortable silence, but then Laila said, “Well, Alia, you and I can still go, and maybe Adrian can come later if he’s feeling up to it.”

Alia hesitated for a few seconds before replying, “Sure, Laila.”

“Adrian,” Laila said again, “are you sure you don’t want to join us?”

“I’m fine,” I said, giving a slight nod in her direction. “Have a good time.”

I welcomed their departure, but I also felt guilty about refusing Laila’s invitation. I knew that Laila had wanted to cheer me up and that she had only invited Alia out of consideration for the girl who hardly ever left my side. But once Laila had made her offer, she couldn’t retract it, and by my refusal, Laila was now politely stuck with taking my sister to the park. At least Alia would have a good time today, and for that I was grateful to Laila.

Breathing quietly, I closed my eyes and wondered what Alia and Laila might be doing. On the one hand, I wanted nothing more than to be out there enjoying the mild autumn weather with them. But recently, every time I went outside, I was increasingly reminded of all the things I used to be able to do but no longer could, and who needed that?

I continued to sit there with my eyes closed, forcing myself to believe that my closed eyelids were the only reason I couldn’t see anything. When I opened my eyes, I would surely see the sky and the clouds and the cityscape through the floor-to-ceiling windows, and I would walk briskly back through the corridor without having to touch the walls, and...

Hearing the door open, I opened my eyes to dim, murky light.

“Adrian?” Cindy called softly. “I just finished baking some peanut butter cookies. They’re cooling on the dining table now, and at the risk of spoiling your lunch, I thought you might like some.”

I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I had already been rude to two people today. “Yeah, okay,” I said, heavily getting to my feet.

Cindy tried to hold my hand but I snatched it away.

“Whoa, Adrian,” Cindy said in surprise. “Alia was right. You really are in a fiery temper today, aren’t you? Maybe you’ll feel better after you get some sugar in you.”

I doubted it, but I followed Cindy to the dining room anyway. The whole room smelled of freshly baked cookies.

“They’re spread over a pan in front of you,” said Cindy.

When I didn’t touch them, Cindy asked, “You want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. Cindy still believed that my blindness was the one and only reason for my increasingly frequent bouts of anger. I wanted to keep it that way.

I felt Cindy’s gentle hand on my shoulder as she said, “Considering everything that has happened, you have every right to be upset, Adrian. But do you also remember what I told you about Mr. Barnum?”

I did. “Cindy, I can’t choose to be happy on a dead man’s say-so.”

“Perhaps,” said Cindy, “but shutting yourself away in the greenhouse isn’t healthy.”

I pulled away from her. “You’re not about to start pestering me about PTSD again, are you?”

“I’m just worried about you,” Cindy said in a hurt tone. “Is that so bad?”

“No...”

Actually, I was very conflicted on that point. I was grateful beyond words for Cindy’s constant support, but I also felt weighted down by her concern. I didn’t like being a burden, and even if no one in the house ever treated me as one, I knew I was.

Cindy said, “You’re spending way too much time alone these days, Adrian. I know you’re trying to be self-reliant, but shutting out your family isn’t the way to go about it. I really think you’d feel better if you got out more often.”

“Where would I go, Cindy?” I scoffed. “What difference would it make where I was?”

Cindy suggested, “You might reconsider Laila’s Sunday offer.”

“No,” I replied flatly.

Two weeks ago, Laila had called the penthouse to ask Alia and me to Sunday church service, but I had turned her down. I didn’t feel like sitting in the house of a God I didn’t believe in and listening to Mark make a sermon about how there was some good to be found in every person on the planet, because there wasn’t. I still talked with Mark whenever he visited us, but I no longer made trips out to his church. When I told Laila that I didn’t want to go with her, I had simply stated that I was too busy learning Braille and learning to cope with blindness to bother, but Laila took the hint and didn’t ask again.

“I thought you didn’t want people to feel sorry for you, Adrian,” said Cindy.

“I don’t!” I said forcefully. “I just want my eyes back.” I didn’t add that I wanted them back so I could go Slayer hunting with Mr. Simms as soon as I could see again.

Cindy said jokingly, “Well, you keep acting like this and pretty soon the whole world will be drowning in tears over you.”

I didn’t laugh. My voice quivered slightly as I whispered, “It’s just so damn frustrating being useless.”

“You are
not
useless, Adrian!” Cindy said firmly. “Even if you were, it would make no difference to the people who love you.”

That was just too much. Suddenly I couldn’t contain my pent-up anger any longer. I heard something shatter and realized that I had lost control of my telekinetic power for the first time in months.

I didn’t care.

I shouted at the top of my lungs, “I am a psionic destroyer, Cindy! A destroyer! And don’t you dare forget it!”

Turning my face to hide my tears, I made best-speed for my bedroom and slammed the door behind me. Embarrassment over my childish outburst was now added to the hurt I was feeling. I sat crying on the floor, pounding my fists on the carpet and wishing that the building would suddenly disappear from underneath me so that I could fall to my death. There was a profound difference between wanting people to feel sorry for you and wanting to live a life where people didn’t. Why couldn’t Cindy understand that?!

Cindy gave me enough time to regain most of my composure before she knocked on the door and called softly, “Adrian? Can I come in?”

I got up to make way for the door and Cindy opened it. I felt horribly ashamed of how I had acted. The knowledge that Cindy was used to this kind of behavior from me made it all the worse.

“What did I break this time?” I mumbled.

“Nothing important,” Cindy said serenely. “I just thought, well, if there’s anything you want to talk about, either me, or Mark...”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Cindy,” I said sullenly. “You may not think I’m useless or care if I’m useless, but I am, and I do.”

Cindy replied soothingly, “I think maybe you’ve just been working too hard. You can’t learn Braille in just a few weeks, and you’re getting much better at everything else, but you still have to pace yourself.”

I walked over to the window and touched the glass with my fingertips. “When I stand here, Cindy, I can still see the sunlight. I can still see this city in my head. New Haven, where I once thought I would find peace.” I took a step back from the glass and shook my head. “But there’s no peace here, Cindy. Not for the Guardians, nor for anyone who knows about us. And if this turns into a war, I can’t protect Alia, or you, or anybody anymore. This isn’t about pacing myself. I don’t feel alive.”

“You wish you could see so that you could fight?”

I nodded slowly. “That’s not the only reason of course, but yes, Cindy. I wish I could fight.”

“You’ve really changed, haven’t you, Adrian?” Cindy said sadly.

“I guess I have,” I whispered.

In truth, I found myself as surprised as anyone at how quickly I had regained my desire for combat status. When I first returned to New Haven, I was certain that, blind or sighted, I would never want to get near another battle again. But now all of that seemed a distant memory. I still had my own mission to find and rescue Cat from the Angels, and that wasn’t going anywhere while I was walking with a damn kiddie cane.

Cindy said, “You know how much I hated watching you go off on those Raven missions, Adrian, but I still wish there was something I could do for you.”

I turned around and faced her voice. “You’ve done enough, Cindy. You saved my life and you did everything you could to help me live with my mistakes. I’m the one that’s being selfish. I was the one who insisted on going on that stupid mission. I’m blind today because of what I did.” I sighed and added, “I’ll try my best not to break anything else.”

“I don’t care about
things
, Adrian. I care about
you
, even if you don’t. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to be happy. I can’t bring your eyesight back, but if you’re at all willing to take another shot at being happy, I’ll do everything I can to help.”

“You never change,” I said, shaking my head in resignation.

“Is that a good thing?”

I gave her a weak smile. “Yeah, it’s a good thing.”

“Have a cookie.”

Cindy placed a peanut butter cookie in my hand. It was still warm to the touch, and I took a bite.

“It’s good,” I said, chewing slowly.

“Of course it’s good!” laughed Cindy. “Now grab your cane and come with me.”

Cindy filled a small basket with some sandwiches and cookies. She was about to take me to the park to meet up with Laila and Alia when the front door burst open.

“Terry!” Cindy exclaimed in surprise, but Terry didn’t even reply as she stomped across the living room and down the corridor toward her room. I heard her door slam.

I let out a soft whistle. “Terry’s having a bad day too.”

“Worse than usual,” agreed Cindy. “I’ll go talk to her.”

“I think I’ll go practice my Braille,” I said.

But as soon as I heard Cindy walk down the corridor, enter Terry’s room and close the door behind her, I crept silently along the corridor after her. I could already hear Terry speaking angrily to Cindy, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying.

Once I was closer to Terry’s door, I heard Cindy reply calmly, “I take it you already asked him yourself?”

Terry said vehemently, “You should have heard him when I did, Cindy! ‘The boy is lucky to be alive at all. I’m not going to risk any more of my men on some fool’s errand.’ That’s what he said! All I asked for was six good Lancers.”

Cindy’s tone remained even. “Mr. Baker has to act for the good of all of New Haven, Terry.”

“Well, I don’t care about New Haven,” said Terry. “I’ve been to every Council member, every unit commander, every healer. I’ve been through the archives twice. Every piece of information the Guardians have. You’re the one who said the historian is a last resort. Well, we’re there, Cindy! You have to talk to Mr. Baker and allow me to make the crossing.”

“I’ve pulled quite a few strings on Adrian’s account already,” replied Cindy.

“But that’s not why you’re refusing to support me,” Terry said matter-of-factly. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you’re not afraid that Adrian’s going to ship off on another mission the moment he regains his eyesight?”

“Of course I’m afraid!” Cindy shot back, her voice rising. “But don’t you dare accuse me of deliberately keeping him blind!”

“Then why?!”

“Because you’re grasping at straws, Terry! What do you expect the historian to do for you? In all probability, he could very easily heal Adrian’s eyes, but he won’t! The historian deals only in information.”

“I know that, Cindy! But if there’s any other way to heal him, the historian will have that information. I just have to be sure!”

Cindy remained silent, and suddenly Terry shouted furiously, “You can’t just leave him in the dark like that!”

“And I can’t let you risk your life again, Terry!”

“It’s my life to risk! Maybe you’ve forgotten why I live here, but I haven’t. I’m your bodyguard, not your child!”

Cindy said quietly, “Adrian’s at the door.”

I opened the door and asked meekly, “How did you know?”

Cindy seemed to smile. “You got too close. I’m a finder, remember?”

“Right,” I said embarrassedly, entering Terry’s room.

“How much did you hear?” asked Terry.

“I was spying,” I confessed as I stepped closer to their voices. “I heard all of it.”

“Good!” snapped Terry. “That saves a lot of time.”

I still didn’t understand exactly what Terry was asking of Cindy and Mr. Baker, but I was sure of what I said next: “I don’t want you to risk your life for me, Terry.”

“It’s not such a big risk, Adrian,” scoffed Terry. “Mr. Baker doesn’t think your eyesight is important enough for any risk at all.”

Cindy said, “Mr. Baker knows that the historian can’t help Adrian.”

“Well, I don’t!” Terry said heatedly. “Please, Cindy. I’m begging you. Please!”

The silence that followed was unbearable. I was actually glad that I couldn’t see Terry’s expression.

Cindy finally said in a quiet but firm tone, “Terry, I’ll go talk to Mr. Baker right now, but you have to promise me that if the historian can’t help, you’ll stop there. Adrian is learning to cope with his condition. I’m sure you can too.”