Lesser Gods (23 page)

“Please just leave me alone for a while, Alia. Go help Cindy.”

“Okay,”
Alia said uncertainly. I heard her footsteps leave the room and the door clicked shut.

Mr. Barnum was dead because I had helped the Guardians pull him into the faction. He might even have been better off being captured by the Wolves.

I reached out and touched the cool glass window, picturing the cityscape I was so used to seeing from here. New Haven had become my home, and while it wasn’t always the safest or most peaceful place to live, nevertheless I had found my place here. Mr. Barnum had not.

I wondered what it was like to be dead. No pulse, no feeling, and eyes permanently shut. It must be like being blind and then some.

I heard the door open, and Cindy’s voice said softly, “Dinner’s ready. Terry and Alia are setting the table now.”

I didn’t answer, and a moment later Cindy asked, “You want to talk about it?”

“You’re not even angry, are you, Cindy?” I said, turning toward her voice. “After everything I did, you’re not even angry with me.”

Cindy replied peacefully, “I’m too happy to be angry, Adrian. I’m happy that you’re alive.”

That just made things worse for me.

I whispered, “I’m going to be blind for the rest of my life.”

“You don’t know that,” said Cindy, and I felt her hands grasp my shoulders.

“I’m really sorry, Cindy,” I said hoarsely. “I thought I was being grownup, but I was just being my usual stupid self, thinking that I could be a Knight... thinking I knew what that really meant... I was so stupid, Cindy. I had been stupid before, not listening to you, and I got stuffed in that research prison. And I still didn’t learn from it.”

“I think you’ve learned, Adrian,” Cindy said gently.

“Mr. Barnum was killed,” I said quietly.

“I know.”

“You know I risked my life to bring him to us?”

“Yes, Adrian, I know.”

“I stepped in front of his shotgun hoping he wouldn’t fire,” I mumbled, and when Cindy didn’t say anything, I said, “But you already knew that too, didn’t you?”

“Terry told Laila and Laila told her mother,” explained Cindy.

I smiled grimly. “I hardly knew him, Cindy. I don’t even know why I did that. Maybe Terry was right in that I wanted to play hero.”

Cindy squeezed my shoulders. “You didn’t want him to be hurt the way you were by Ralph. Thanks to you, Mr. Barnum at least had a few days of peace in his life before he died.”

“That’s almost funny, Cindy,” I said miserably. “If we had taken him by force, he wouldn’t have been so eager to join us, and then he’d still be alive today.”

“And then you wouldn’t, Adrian.”

I nodded silently.

Cindy whispered soothingly into my good ear, “Adrian, it’s just the way it happened. Terry’s right. It’s nobody’s fault. Certainly not yours. You had an emotional investment in this man, I know. You wanted him to live in peace. But it was his choice to join the Knights, Adrian. I know that’s hard to accept, but in the end it was just his choice.”

I asked, “Do you believe in an afterlife, Cindy?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure.”

“Sometimes I wish there isn’t one,” I said, shaking my head. “I wish we just stop existing, so we don’t have to carry our pains and memories into eternity. But then I wish there is one. I wish Mr. Barnum is with his son now.”

“I think he’d be happy either way,” said Cindy.

“I hope he is,” I whispered, “because I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again. Even if I get my sight back, it just won’t be the same. I’m not even sure I want to see anything anymore.”

“You’ll get better too, Adrian. I know that’s hard to believe right now, but you will feel better, and hopefully you’ll get your sight back too.”

I didn’t reply.

Suddenly Cindy gripped my hands and said fiercely, “Listen to me, Adrian! I am happy that you’re alive. Alia is happy that you’re alive. Terry is happy that you’re alive. I think you should be too. And if you believe that Mr. Barnum died so that you could live, then I think you owe it to him to live as happily as you can.”

I hated to admit it, but Cindy had a point. Mr. Barnum was a fireman. He had dedicated his life to saving people. When he knew his life was about to end, he had refused to die until he had saved one more. If there was an afterlife, someday I’d find him and thank him. For the time being, I would have to take Terry’s advice and just get over it.

I nodded slowly, and Cindy hugged me, saying, “You’ll feel better when your stomach is full. Come on. Dinner is getting cold.”

Cindy led me to the dining room and sat me down in my usual chair. As the delicious scents from the various dishes reached my nose, I discovered that, my grief over Mr. Barnum’s untimely death notwithstanding, I was as hungry as a grizzly bear in the springtime.

Terry and Alia had been away from New Haven for almost as long as I, and Cindy had pulled out all the stops in preparing our welcome-home feast. There was a little of everything: steak, fried chicken, corn soup, baked potatoes, pudding, ice cream, cake... it was impossible to tell all the different smells apart. With so many choices, I stuck mainly to the foods that I could eat with my hands. I would eventually have to learn how to use silverware, but, for now, nobody commented on my lack of table manners.

None of us spoke about Raven Three over dinner, or about anything that had happened since the raid on the Holy Land. I couldn’t see their faces, of course, but I sensed that everyone was just happy to be back together at last.

Terry helped Cindy clear the table after dinner, and I asked Alia to fill the bathtub up. Cindy had no doubt done a thorough job washing me with the shower, but I still felt like taking a good long soak. I hadn’t had a bath in weeks.

Once the large tub was nearly overflowing, I had Alia show me where the towels were and then told her to get out.

“Sure you don’t need any help, Addy?”
she asked.

“Alia, I’m positive,” I told her firmly.

“Okay. Leave the door unlocked just in case.”

“I will.”

“And if you need any help–”

“I won’t.”

“–just call.”

Actually, I had no idea whether I would need help, but I was certain that I didn’t want any. When Alia got to be my age, she’d understand.

I carefully folded my clothes and placed them by the sink so that I’d be sure to find them again. Then, slipping into the tub, I groped around for the switch to the Jacuzzi and set it to medium. Resting my body in the warm, comfortably churning water with a full stomach and a quiet, contented spirit, I decided that while being blind was definitely going to take a lot of getting used to, there were still plenty of things worth living for.

Thank you, Mr. Barnum
, I thought to myself as I lay in the tub.
I am happy to be alive.

Once I was thoroughly soaked, I got up and groped my way to the towels, and then to my clothes. Dressing myself was still a challenge, and I had to re-button my pajama shirt twice. When I finally got it right, I felt so good about my accomplishment that I decided to try finding my way back to the living room on my own, but my plan was foiled by Alia, who had once again been waiting at the door. It was just as well because I needed her to find my toothbrush anyway.

“You have visitors, Addy,”
said Alia as she led me back down the corridor.

The moment I entered the living room, a girl’s voice called, “Adrian!”

“Laila?” I asked.

I heard her footsteps approach as she said, “I’m so glad you’re alive.”

“I’m sorry I missed Sunday,” I said, suddenly embarrassed at being seen like this. My hair was still dripping wet and I clearly wasn’t suitably dressed for visitors.

“Don’t be sorry,” said Laila. “I’m just happy you made it back.”

I remembered Alia had said “visitors” and strained my ears. Yes, someone else was breathing.

“Who’s there?” I asked. “Who is it?”

Laila answered, “It’s Father Parnell, Adrian. He came just after me.”

“Hi,” said Mark’s hesitant voice from across the room. “How are you doing, Adrian?”

“Better, thanks,” I replied. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Well, after what you’ve been through, I wasn’t sure you’d want to–”

“To see a priest?” I asked. “Mark, the Slayers are hardly religious.”

Laila said, “See, Father, I told you he wouldn’t be upset!”

“Laila’s right,” I said. “You’re my friend.”

Mark said, “It’s really good to have you back, Adrian.”

I was pretty sure that Laila had mainly come to see Terry, and I learned that Mark had been making regular evening visits to keep Cindy company while Terry and Alia were out looking for me. Nevertheless, Laila and Mark both made a far bigger fuss over me than I wanted. Not that I didn’t appreciate their concern, but I had been hoping for a quieter evening, and I wasn’t sorry when they announced that they were going home.

“Will you still come to Sunday service with me sometime?” asked Laila at the door.

“Once I’m settled down, I’ll try,” I said. I didn’t want to bother thinking about something as trivial as that when my primary concern was still whether or not I would get my eyesight back.

Once Mark and Laila had gone, I spent what little was left of the evening sitting with Cindy, Terry and Alia in the living room. Alia was getting much too old for it, but she insisted on sitting in my lap, and I didn’t grumble too much.

Loosely holding my sister around her stomach and trying to keep her long hair from tickling my nose, I asked Terry to tell me what had happened at the Holy Land.

“We cleared the entire camp in less than ten minutes. No casualties in Ravens One and Two,” reported Terry. “Well, no deaths, anyway. One guy lost two fingers, but it was his own dumb fault.”

I didn’t particularly care to hear the explicit details of the battle. It was good enough to know that no other Guardians had died that night.

But I couldn’t help asking Terry, “How many Slayers did you kill?”

“Me personally or everyone?”

“You.”

“Seven or eight,” Terry replied lightly. “You know they had it coming, Adrian.”

“I guess they did,” I agreed.

I used to believe that even mortal enemies deserved mercy, but after what the Angels did to Terry’s brother, and what the Slayers had done to me, I felt very little pity for any of them now. Charles had been the mild exception to the rule, but even he would have killed me had he been called upon to do so. Charles was dead too now, and I didn’t mourn his passing.

I asked, “Did the Guardians find out anything about the Angels’ second master?”

“I don’t think so,” Terry replied uncertainly, “but they’re still salvaging the data. Even if the Knights did discover Number Two’s name, they would keep a lid on it for now. If the Angels found out that we knew, no doubt they’d tighten up their security.”

“I guess we’re all on need-to-know, huh?” I said disappointedly.

I heard Cindy chortle. “You sound like you’re already itching for another mission, Adrian.”

I scoffed at the notion. “I’m just curious, Cindy. I still have a sister over there, after all.”

Cindy said, “Well, until you get your eyesight back, you’ll just have to trust the Guardians to help you with that. Meanwhile, it looks like the sister you have right here is about ready to fall asleep.”

I heard Alia yawn quietly.

“It’s past your bedtime anyway, Alia,” said Cindy, but just then, the phone rang.

Cindy spoke over the phone with Mr. Baker for a few minutes, and then informed me that I no longer held the record as the youngest-ever Honorary Guardian Knight. I first thought that I was being stripped of my status for all the trouble I had caused, but it turned out that my record had simply been broken.

“Next time,” I whispered into Alia’s ear, “if there ever is a next time, you’re coming with me.”

I strongly suspected that my fighting days were finally over, but at least I owed her that. Under the circumstances, it wasn’t a difficult promise to make.

I felt my sister’s body become heavier in my lap, and as I held her, I realized that New Haven’s newest and youngest Knight had fallen asleep.

Chapter 8: Hope and Fear

First to dreamland, Alia was also usually the first to wake in the house, so it was no surprise to me that the moment my eyes opened the next day, I heard her say cheerfully into my mind,
“Good morning, Addy!”

“Is it already?” I asked, blinking a few times in the murky light. For all I could see, it made little difference whether my eyes were open or shut, but it still felt normal to keep them open when I was awake.

I got up from my bed and tried to picture which direction my dresser was in. Against the wall across from my bed, a little to the left. I touched the side of my bed again to make sure I was pointing in the right direction.

“Clothes?”
asked Alia.

“Yeah,” I said, stepping forward slowly with my arms outstretched in front of me. It had been the same yesterday when I was alone in the bathroom, but everything seemed farther away when you couldn’t see it.

“Come on,”
I heard her say as she took my hand and led me forward.

“I can find it myself,” I protested, but by then we were already at the dresser.

“I’ll pick out your clothes, okay?”

I guessed that my life was about to be filled with little embarrassments like this. Somehow, I was going to have to learn to take care of myself.

Alia wouldn’t let me. She handed me my day clothes one at a time, telling me what they were in a way that reminded me of how the Slayer Charles used to announce my meals. When I put my head through my shirt, Alia laughingly informed me that I was doing it backwards.

Once I was properly dressed, I felt along the wall with one hand and made for the door.

“Where are you going?”
asked my sister.

“To the toilet! Do you mind?!”

“I’ll take you,”
she said, taking hold of my other hand.

“No!” I said, pulling my hand free. “I can take care of myself.”