Layers Off (13 page)

Denying what I wanted to accuse him of, I finally asked, “But you’ll help me with my past? You
want
me to stay with you?”

“Of course I will. I’ll be with you, I’ve got you.” He finally pulled me into his arms. Snuggled against Julian’s warm body, I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent, feeling unusual relief wash over me. This was so much better. Being against him healed me almost instantly. Maybe I had overreacted.

He held me there for a while, stroking my back and breathing against the side of my head, before lifting me up and sitting down on the floor, right against the wall with me sliding into his lap the way I always had. He then whispered against my head.

“K, it’s taking all the strength I have to do this right with you. I dream about you every night. Your body possesses my every thought. I want you more than the air I breathe.” His warm breath trailed around my face and I closed my eyes, letting what he was saying sink deep into my heart. “I need to feel your beautiful curves and the texture of your skin. I yearn to taste every inch of your body the way I did that night in my office. But I can’t take the chance that I’ll break you. A few more weeks and we’ll be able to get everything out in the open. Whatever happens, you need to be strong to overcome what’s been kept from you. And hopefully, you’ll still want me after that.”

“Okay, now you’re scaring me.” I leaned back to look at him.

He took my hands into his. “There’s nothing to be afraid of. You need to trust me on this. I’ve got you.”

He’s got me.

I so hoped he wouldn’t let me fall.

C
HAPTER
11

I wish I could say it was easy to keep Julian’s and my relationship platonic. And as much as I wanted to believe I could wait until we went back home, every ounce of my body disagreed. It reacted to Julian’s presence all on its own. We’d spent Christmas here, at Gabe’s and Sam’s chalet, with the entire family. Days of games, hot chocolate, and snowball fights and swimming passed quickly, yet not fast enough. Each time Julian looked at me, I felt that one night we’d spent together revived feelings inside me I thought I’d forgotten. They bloomed like cherry trees in the spring. And my fruit felt so ripened, it could burst with a single stroke. My pulsed raced around this man. He regarded me with his hazel eyes, from time to time giving me a look of hunger. The way his long fingers held a glass of scotch – in fact anything he did with his hands – had me imagining them on me, the way he’d described.

I couldn’t wait to go back to home, where Julian had promised to give me the answers I sought and to perhaps let our relationship finally move forward in all the ways I’d been fantasizing. He was the only one with whom I imagined I could push past what I’d been through. But we were stuck in beautiful Austria for another three long days, watching lovebirds Allie and Tristan sneak away every chance they got.

Tonight we had the house to ourselves. Allie and Tristan stayed at a hotel to celebrate their surprise marriage, and the rest of the family remained in town for fireworks. Julian insisted on returning to the house before midnight. By the time we came back, the flapping butterflies in my stomach had turned into a stampede of elephants.

When I walked into my room, it was lit with candles. Rose petals littered the floor, marking a path toward the bed. There, Julian lay on his side, propped up on his elbow. His eyes reflected the dancing candle flames and held a special spark I hadn’t seen in a long time. A warm sensation spread through me. I haven’t seen him this hot and enticing yet. Could it be possible that this was the night? Our night. That we wouldn’t have to wait until we returned back home to be together?

“I wanted you to spend the last minutes of the old year and the first minutes of the new year in my arms. Sort of like putting the past behind us. Starting fresh.”

“I never pictured you for the romantic type, Julian.”

“What type did you think I was?” he nearly growled, his voice filled with lust and desire.

“Kinky.” I bit my lip, wearily coming closer to the bed.

“I can do kinky with a capital K, K.” His brows rose up and down suggestively. “Just not yet.”

What?
I stopped mid-step.

Okay, either I heard him wrong, or Julian had just said the scene in front of me wasn’t supposed to suggest a night of heated sex.

He sat up. “Before you misunderstand – I mean it that I want you in my arms tonight. It’s a good start to see how comfortable you are.”

What happened to the strong man I knew? The one who spun my world every time I saw him? The one who made gravity vanish and stars lower to within reach?

I took a step back. As uplifting as my mood had been a minute ago, Julian had turned it to a mush of melting snow.

“Why are you doing this, Julian?” I asked.

“What do you mean? K, I want to be with you, you know that. I tell you so every day.”

“Don’t tell me. Show me,” I almost begged.

“I promise I will. I just need to make sure we don’t make mistakes the way we did, again.”

“You think our time together in your office was a mistake?”

“No, I don’t. Please don’t twist my words.” He shot off the bed. “This wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“Then what mistakes are you talking about?”

“You need to be well.”

“I’m fine, Julian. Stop making me out to be some sort of a cripple.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“I’m not trying to. Shit! This is all coming out wrong.”

“Maybe I should leave so that you can walk into this room, with candles and rose petals, and see what it feels like when you’re here all by yourself.”

I turned on my heel and rushed downstairs.

“K, wait.”

Behind me, his voice sounded desperate, but so was I. I yanked my jacket off its hook in the hallway. Julian was standing at the top of the staircase, looking at me from above.

“K, please stay. We need to talk about this,” he called down.

“All I’ve been doing these past two months is talking. I’m fucking sick of talking!”

Ah, that felt so good!

“But that’s what the therapist says is the best course!”

“Then fire him!” I grabbed my jacket and headed out.

Aware that I was yelling, I could only be thankful that no one else was in the house to witness my crazy moment. But something sparked inside my chest I hadn’t felt in a long time. Getting all that out of me felt saner than any other therapy I’d had. God, it felt so good to yell! I was tired of hiding, both physically and mentally. Whatever clasp was held over me, to fear speaking up and being touched, it had to be destroyed. I needed it to vanish to go on. I wanted all those layers that covered up who I was, off! And that wasn’t to say I’d be that bitch from before – but I had a right to speak up and make decisions on my own.
I
was not ill!

I left the chalet, and to my surprise, the weather only reflected my mood that much more. It was one of those warmer nights, and the snow that fell earlier in the day had turned into rain by night time. Yet out in the distance the sky was clear. It was as if the rain had come to pour over us on purpose. My feet moved through the wet layer. I had no clue where I was going or what I was going to do; after all, there wasn’t another house around for miles. I just knew that I needed to be away from the man I could no longer resist. I needed space – no, I needed
him,
but I couldn’t stand being so close when he clearly didn’t want me.

The rain poured. Cold water streamed down my face. The snow turned into slush under my feet as I dragged them through. Where was I going? And why was I so mad at Julian? Why was he trying to control me? He didn’t own me; in fact, I wasn’t sure what we were, exactly. Julian said he wanted me… in time. What was wrong with me now? Was I just a cause for him to fix? Or perhaps I didn’t live up to his expectations? Maybe he was trying to pay me back for the way I’d hurt him. My mind ached at the thought. No, that wasn’t Julian. And why was everything so confusing?

“Kendra, wait!” he called out after me.

Feeling his gaze on my back, I stopped. The arctic rain wasn’t cold enough to penetrate the fury raging inside me. I finally turned around to see him standing on the porch steps, soaking wet. His breath puffed white from between his perfect lips and steam rose off his body. Julian looked like he’d just emerged from a hot spring that birthed gorgeous men. The steam rolled off him, and I struggled to remember why I’d left the house. I should have stayed there and thrown myself at him, just to feel the warmth of his chest and the beating of his heart.

He took a few steps toward me and my need for him, at that moment, hardened my nipples.

“Look, you either trust me when I say I’m well, or you don’t, Julian. I’m an adult and I can take care of myself. I appreciate all you’ve done for me, but I can gauge better than anyone what’s going on in here and here.” I pointed to my chest and my head. “And I’m telling you that I don’t need you to be making decisions for me anymore. If you have to make them for yourself, fine. But not for me. Not anymore.”

He remained silent. I guess it was much better than him reminding me of how well I led my life beforehand. But I wasn’t going back to that. I’d continue therapy for a long time, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t live. And the way I’ve been abstinent and weary of everything around me – I wouldn’t call that living at all. A few more months and a convent would take me in with open arms… okay, perhaps that was over-exaggerating. I wanted to remember how Julian’s hands felt on my body; the hands that healed me, the ones I trusted. I looked toward Julian, whose face held worry, fear, and desire, all in one.

What was he thinking?

“What do you need?” he asked. It was the first time since I’d been back that he had asked me my opinion, and it meant the world.

Wet hair stuck to my face as the water streamed down my face and body. My chest was rising up and down as if I’d just run a marathon. There was no dry thread or patch of skin left on me. And only a few feet away, Julian stood like a perfectly still but live statue, ready to be sculpted into a piece of art. The only thing that gave him away was his breath. His white shirt clung to his skin, showing off those perfect contours, valleys, and dips of his torso. The usually fluffy hair had flattened against his forehead, but he still looked like the most gorgeous man on the planet.

“You. I need you. I want you. All of you.”

Saying this out loud felt liberating – that’s what the old confident me would have done. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell anyone how I felt; though sometimes I didn’t really know where to draw the line with my honesty either. But not this time. I was different. I’d changed for the better.

“Why don’t you want to touch me, Julian? I thought we were past the cooties stage!” I yelled over the hum of the water. I wasn’t sure why I was still yelling. I just knew that everything seemed to have accumulated inside me and I wasn’t sure how to let it go.

In his white t-shirt, Julian paced toward me in his long strides, stopping only a few feet away. “K, believe me there’s nothing more in this world that I crave than you.”

That statement alone caused a tsunami of angelic shivers to roam over me as I imagined the parts of my body he could be craving.

“Then why? I know you’re attracted to me and that you care for me. Otherwise you wouldn’t have helped me. You wouldn’t have gotten that tattoo. Or is it for someone else? Are the first words you ever said to me, inked on your chest right below your heart, not for me?”

His mouth opened and closed. “You remember?” His whisper vibrated off the water.

“Of course I do. I remember everything about that day that has to do with you. It’s all the other details that I can’t remember.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t remember anything else.”

For a moment I thought he was serious; as if he didn’t want me to go back to any other memories from the train.

“I know it’s selfish of me to think I was the only one who mattered that day. But I wasn’t, was I? I was just a job for you.”

“That’s not true and you know it. You mattered then and still do. You always have.”

“I can’t think of anyone who would have taken as much time to help me heal the way you have, Julian. So I ask you again: why won’t you touch me? Why won’t you show me how you feel? I can’t wait any longer because if I do, something else may happen to me to ruin my life. That’s been my motto since that train accident, and the only constant in my life has always been you.”

“I’m afraid, K!” His hands flew to his head. He pulled the wet strands of his hair up and out of his face, spiking them for a moment, before they fell back down. Only one wisp remained crooked, and it made him look so sexy, I couldn’t help staring. Julian’s shirt had become completely soaked by now, and the first shivers rolled over me.

I cocked my head to the side, waiting for him to speak again.

“It terrifies me to think I’ll wake up feelings inside you that you want forgotten. I don’t want my touch to remind you of what you’ve been through. It’s happened before. At the house. As much as it aches me inside not to touch, not to kiss you, not to feel your skin under my hands, your breasts in my palms...” He paused. “No, I need to be patient. I cannot hurt you.”

I stepped toward him, close enough to smell his intoxicating scent even through the rain.

I remembered the moment he was referring to, when I was still not well. When any skim of a finger on my skin would remind me of what had happened to me. Back then, the mere thought of us together when we made love for the first time awoke those memories I tried to contain. But that was all over. It was in the past. I’d segregated those feelings from
the now
. Julian misunderstood. Was that why he stayed away from me, physically at least? Was that why he hesitated to touch me and delayed our blossoming relationship?

“Your touch feels nothing like of those men.” I grasped his hand and brought it to my chest so that he could feel how my heart ached for him and only him. “Please don’t ever compare it to anything, because nothing will ever come close to what I feel when your hands are on me. I lie awake at night, hoping that somehow you’ll slip into my bed because in my mind, having you with me makes it worth living. You are my hope of a future beyond what I’ve gone through. I don’t want to keep remembering the past. I want to look forward to the future. With you and only you.”