Just Make Him Beautiful (15 page)

I
was
so scared that every time the phone r
ang
, I jump
ed
. And the phone ha
d
been ringing
off the hook
.
I
f it
wasn’t
M
other
’
s job calling, it
was
Dr.
Ros
s calling to see when
M
other was coming down to the morgue to have my brother’s body moved
to a funeral home.

Neither I nor my baby
sister ha
d
been
to
school since
Ray’s
death. Fortunately, Ms.
Washington
ha
d
been watching Keshia during the day while I ke
pt
an eye on
M
other.
The problem
was
, I couldn’t get her out of bed or
to
eat
,
no matter
how hard I tried.

*

The following
day, I sent Keshia over to Ms.
Washington
’s apartment and prepared a hot breakfast for
M
other. I cooked scrambled eggs, bacon
,
and
toast
,
and
prepared
a glass of cherry
K
ool
-A
id.

I placed it all on a tray and entered
M
other’s bedroom.
“M
other
, wake up
.
I’ve fixed you some breakfast. Come on
,
get up
.
”  I placed the tray on the bed and turned on the lamp
on the dresser
next to the bed. She didn’t move.
“M
other
, wake up.”

“Leave me alone,” she spat.

“M
other
, you have to eat
sumf’n
,” I plead
ed
.

“I don’t have to do a damn thing
,”
she stated angrily.
“
Now
,
get out of my room
.
”

“No
,
M
other
, I can’t do that.
Every day
you tell me to get outta your room
,
but today I’m not. I want you to eat sumf’n
.
”

“Who do you think
you’re
talking to
?
A
nd who the
h
ell are you?”

“I’m your son, that’s who I am
.”

“S
on
, for your information my
son
just died. I don’t have a son no
more
.
I have a daughter and a faggot
. That’s what I got left
.
”

I was so shocked
,
I just froze. I couldn’t believe my own mother had said that.

“Now
,
get the hell outta my room
!
” she
yelled,
and
turn
ed
away from me.

I picked up the tray of food, walked out of
the
room
,
and
slammed
her
bedroom door. I was so angry and hurt
,
I
threw the tray of food against the living room
wall
.
It never really bothered me when other people called me names like that
,
but coming from my own mother
, it
stung
deeply
.
It was the first time I felt my mother wished I had never been born.

I sat down on the living room couch and cried
like a baby
.
I didn’t have my big brother to protect me
,
and now I didn’t have a mother
to nurture me
. Why was God being so cruel?

*

One week after Ray’s death,
M
other still la
y
in her bed
, starving herself
in the dark.
I believe Mother was trying to kill herself
.
  I really didn’t care if she did.
The pain and the hurt that I once felt had now turned to anger. I was mad at everything and everyone
…
M
other, Junior
,
and
especially God. The best thing about my anger
was,
it helped me to stop crying
,
and
made me
want
to
live. I wanted to live for revenge. It didn’t matter how long it took
,
but I w
as gonna
see to it that Junior paid for killing my brother.
 

As I
lay
on Ray’s bunk
thinking about how I c
ould
take my revenge out on Junior and
listening to my Patti Labelle CDs
,
I thought I heard a knock at the door. I tiptoed to the front door and pe
e
ked out of the peephole. Standing on the other side of the
door was
Ms. Washington and Officer
Crawley
.

I opened the door.
“
Is sumf’n wrong
,
Ms.
Washington
?”

“Cameron, Officer Crawley here says that he has been trying to reach your mo
ther
,
but no one answers the phone. Is your mother home?”

“Yes
,
m
a
’am
,” I said
as they entered
the
apartment
.

Ms.
Washington
headed towards Mother
’
s bedroom
and knocked on her door
.
“Hello, Janet,” she said. “It’s Gerdy from next door. Officer Crawley is here, and he would like to speak to you.”

“I think she still might be
’
sleep,” I
said
,
as I stood in the living room with Officer Crawley.  I
hop
ed
they would leave.

Ms.
Washington
opened the door to
M
other
’
s bedroom and went in.
“Oh my God
!” she yelled.
“
Officer Crawley, please call an ambulance
.
”

Both Officer Crawley and I went into
M
other’s room and saw
Ms.
Washin
g
ton
trying to get my mother out of the bed
.
 
M
other looked to
o
weak
to even
stand. Officer Crawley pulled out his walkie
-
talkie
,
and speaking in police jargon
,
demanded a bus
be sent to our address.

Officer Crawley led me out of Mother’
s bedroom and closed the door.
“Son, why don’t you go out in the living room and wait for the ambulance while we get your mother ready, ok
ay
.”

I d
id
n’t know what they were doing in Mother
’
s bedroom
,
but in a way, I
was
hop
ing
that maybe she
had
d
ied
.  How dare she not care or love my sister and me
enough
to wanna live
?
I
f she wanted to die, then
so be it
.

As strange as it sounds
,
while I waited out in the living room for the ambulance to take Mother to the hospital and possibly save her life, the only person on my mind was Mr.
Jamison
. With all the anger and hurt I had been feeling, I had suddenly
begun
to think about sex. It had been a minute since I
’d
had that
“
tingling
”
feeling. I think it’s the brain that tries to even things out when your mind and body
are
going through such emotions
.
I
t somehow balances everything
out
,
or
helps
one
’
s equilibrium
,
shall I say
.

I had to laugh at the thought of feeling a little guilty
,
because I was so wrapped up into Ray
.
B
ut then I remind
ed
myself
that
he
wa
s
no longer here
.

I imagined
Mr. Jamison
holding me and kissing me and telling me how much he love
d
me.
S
uddenly
,
I
snapped out of my embrace with Mr.
Jamison
because of the loud ambulance siren I hear
d
outside my window
.

“S
hit
!
”
I sa
id
to myself.

The doorbell rang to our apartment
.
I watched the EMTs
carrying medical bags and stretcher
exit the ambulance. It was kinda embarrassing as people from the apartments came outside to watch what and who was being carried out.

I press
ed
the button to allow them to enter the complex
,
and they ran up the one flight of stairs to my door.
T
hey seemed to be in such a hurry as they almost knocked me down as they entered
after
I opened the door
.

“In here
,
fellas,” Officer Crawley announced
,
as he opened Mother’s bedroom door.

I stood out in the living room not knowing what to expect as I waited for them to carry Mother out on the stretcher.
Would they have the sheet over her? Would they have tubes running in and out of her body the same way they had them running in and out of Ray? Would Mother even be alive, or is she dead?

“Ok
ay
, coming through
.
W
atch it
,
watch it,” I heard one of the EMTs say as they carried Mother through the living room and down the hallway steps.

I stood there frozen
.
I couldn’t move as I watched
them zoom by with
Mother on the stretcher. The covers were not over her head
,
which
told me she wasn’t dead
,
but her facial expression was gaunt
-
like
,
and her eyes were rolling around in her head. 

My emotions were mixed mainly because
,
deep down inside, I no longer loved
M
o
ther
anymore and wanted to be on my own.
I just wanted to live my own life without someone telling me
what to do, and
when, where, and how to do things. At that moment, I wanted to be an adult
.
I wanted to walk out that door and never come back.

Ms.
Washington
tried to comfort me with a hug.
“Come on, sweetie, you can ride to the hospital with me.”

I wanted to
scream
,
“
Hell no, I don’t wanna go. Just
leave me alone!”
But no one
seem
ed
to care what I thought or how I felt.