Juilliard or Else (19 page)

That night, I didn't hear from Tucker. I was sad and I didn't want to text him because I wanted him to text me first. Yeah, I was totally sounding like a girl in high school. Rachel ordered Chinese again and put in
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
It was a cute comedy and the guy was a hunk. Jade came home around eleven without Jett and went straight into her room. I cleaned up while Rachel went to go talk with Jade, mentioning something about seeming down when she walked in. Rachel could tell just by the way Jade walked into the room that she seemed sad. I was impressed; they were truly close, and was glad I could be a part of their friendship.

I locked up the apartment, changed into my pajamas, and padded into my bathroom to brush my teeth. While rinsing my mouth, my phoned chimed. I finished up and ran back into my room to see a text from Tucker waiting for me.

Eeep!

I slid my finger across my screen and saw a picture Tucker sent me of him in black and white. His pose was so cute. His face turned to the side with his hand under his chin, almost as if deep in thought, his other arm stretching out to take the picture. I giggled. Under the picture it said: "Thinking of you. Night, baby girl.'

My heart was racing and my breath sped up. I was falling for him and the cute little things he was doing to my heart. I set my alarm and went into a deep sleep, hoping that I would dream of Tucker's sweet lips on mine and the electricity I felt for him in my heart.

The next two days went by in one big blur. I didn't hear from Tucker or get any cute pictures of him to make my heart race. I wondered what he did during the day. I knew he said tattooing, but did that take up most of his time? Madame Ava was cracking down on us, and hard. It seemed like all she did was yell at us the entire time. I was sent to the back of the line three times for getting my stupid triple pirouette turn wrong. I kept losing my balance on the final turn.

"Abigail, that's gonna cost you a chance at any part if you don't get that down!" Madame Ava yelled at me over and over again.

Getting yelled at was the worst feeling. I felt like such a failure every time I did something wrong. And whenever I looked over at Jasmine, she would just smile, kept ahead of the class and holding the spot at the top of the line. Bethany and I were always at the back of that stupid line.

I hated the line.

Every day I saw Jasmine in the halls, she would either bump into my shoulder or pretend to collide into my side, laughing with her friends. I really wanted to pull on her stupid bun and spit in her face – not very ladylike on my part and Madame Ava would have my butt if I ever pulled something like that off. I couldn't help but hate the perfect turns and leaps she did in class. She did it with grace and perfection; I was jealous.

Rachel, of course, had the lead in the play they were working on. Jade was still drawing and playing the cello like crazy. Jade was hardly home the past couple of days, mostly because she didn't like us to hear her practice and when she was home, Jett was with her. I gave in and texted Tucker a couple of times, but never heard back from him. Thoughts came to my mind about him giving up on me because I didn't sleep with him that first night, but it was still new and I didn't want to be that nagging girl who he kissed once, and now wouldn't leave him alone.

"Abigail and Jon."

My head snapped up to Madame Ava; she was standing in front of me, hands together and waiting for me to do what? Oh crap, I was spacing. I didn't hear her instructions.

I straightened my spine. "Yes, Madame Ava?"

"You and Jon will perform a quick silhouette together. Perform the
pas de deux
adagio
, with an
air,
en l'
, then Jon will
jete
you up, and hopefully catch you. And you, Abigail, will end it with a triple pirouette. Understood?"

Oh Crap.

"Yes, Madame Ava," I nodded.

I didn't know Jon; he was the only boy in our class and we were supposed to do a silhouette together of what? The
pas de deux
adagio
is something I performed with Ramón in my studio. It was a very slow dance with slow leaps, with him catching me and slowly turning us around while my legs were stiff and toes pointed.
Air, en l'
is in mid-air where Jon is supposed to
jete
me; in other words, catch me. I hope he does catch me because I have to do the one thing I struggle with: a triple pirouette.

I really wanted to pee my leotard right now!

"Now, Abigail!"

I gracefully walked into the front of the ballet room with Jon by my side. Everyone parted the line so we could see ourselves in the wall-length mirror. My feet were positioned opposite of each other, heel to toes and turned inward. The soft music of Pyotr Llyich Tchaikovsky,
Swan Lake,
played through the room, echoing off the walls. I shut my eyes as Jon placed his hand on my lower back and we started to move together. The leaps and leg placements were good. Jon stumbled a little when I turned too fast in his arms and I bumped into his side. The climax of the music was coming, and it was time for me to do my
air, en l'
where I leap. I thought to myself,
I just hope he catches me
.

I stepped away from Jon, and then leaped up into his arms. The landing in his arms was a little rough, which made him lose his balance and step back a little bit. I wiggled in his arms to help him get a better hold on me and he kept grunting like I was too heavy. Jon was tall and masculine, so you wouldn't think he would have a problem trying to hold onto me. We did some turns while I was still up in his arms and he ended it with one pirouette, and then let me down smoothly. I stopped and faced the mirror. I positioned my legs perfectly, one pointed straight out while the other was bent at the knee. I listened to the music, waiting for the ending to start my triple pirouette. It came; I went up on
en pointe
, turned sharply once, twice and on the third turn, I lost my footing and finished the turn way too soon with a loud thump on the floor from my foot.

I was out of breath; I needed to get that stupid turn down. I could do two, but struggled with three.

It was so frustrating!

"Abigail, you are done for today," Madame Ava said to me. I could hear how disappointed she was in me. We still had an hour left of class and I was done.

I couldn't fight with her; she gave a command and I had to take it. I nodded, "Yes, Madame Ava." Tears stung my eyes as I walked away from her and the rest of the group, who all lined back up at the barre.

Walk of shame.

I quickly wiped away a falling tear and sat on the bench where my gym bag was kept. I unlaced my shoes, rubbed my feet and popped my toes. I pulled on my bottoms to my black sweats and watched the rest of the class. I wish I could at least leave the classroom so I didn't have to watch perfect Jasmine do her triple pirouettes with elegance. It was eating me alive; the longer I sat here and watched her, the more I wanted to stomp out of class.

"Very nice, Jasmine," Madame Ava praised her over and over. Very loudly too, I might add.

The bell rang and I couldn't be happier to leave. I slung my strap over my shoulder to head out the door, but Madame Ava called out to me. I faced the room and people walked around me to leave me alone with her. When Jasmine walked past me, I made sure not to have my eyes down on the ground. I met her glaring brown eyes as she snorted at me with a "failure" under her breath.

"What was that?" I growled at her.

"You heard me. You don't deserve to be here if you can't do a simple triple pirouette."

I started to go after her to tell her she was wrong. I practiced and practiced. I did deserve to be here.

"Abigail." Madame Ava's voice stopped me from chasing her down to play school yard hair pull. I did the walk of shame back to Madame Ava, my head still high.

"Abigail, why can't you do that turn?"

"I can, I promise," I pleaded with her. "I can, Madame Ava, I promise."

She arched a brow. "Can you? You've proved to me more than twice that you can't."

A rush of feelings went through me.
Failure.
Don't deserve to be here.
Those words rang through my ears, echoing in my brain.

"Look at me, please." Madame Ava's voice was sincere and I met her sparkling blue eyes. "Can you do it, Abigail?"

I nodded, feeling the tears start to burn my eyelids. I was trying so hard not to cry. "Yes, I can."

"Let me see." She stepped away from me and stood at the back of the room. I wasted no time to hold my spot here in class. I went back over to the bench, stripped off my sweats, stretched my feet back out and then laced up my slippers. I walked back to stand in front of the mirror. I angled my right leg down, and pointed my toes, my left leg bent, and ready to push up on my toes to go on
en pointe
to do the turns.

"Do one first," Madame Ava called out.

I nodded at her through the mirrors. I pushed up on my toes and softly turned, then closed my position. My spine straightened up and I waited for my next command.

"Very nice, now two."

I went back down into position, pushed up on my toes on my left foot, then turned once and twice, and then closed it with no problem.

"Very good. Now, three."

I went back into position and up on my toes and turned, once, twice, and on the third turn, I lost my footing again trying to close.

I bent down to rest my hands on my knees. I wanted to scream out loud and throw things. I wanted to throw a huge three-year-old tantrum and start stomping my feet. Small hands on my shoulder made me jump a little. Madame Ava was behind me.

"Close your eyes." I complied. "Listen to me, listen to my voice. I know that you're nervous here. I know that you see Jasmine as competition here." I opened my eyes and tried to turn to tell her I didn't want to make trouble with Jasmine, but she held onto my shoulders and faced me back towards the mirror.

"Shut your eyes and listen to me."

Once again, I shut my eyes and listened to her voice whispering in my ear.

"I know you think Jasmine is competition to you. That's a good thing; she's a very good ballerina, but I know you can do better. This pirouette is easy, but you think too much. You think about messing up, you think about falling and you will if you keep thinking about it. Now…"

Madame Ava grabbed my hands with hers and stretched them out horizontally from my body. She tapped my right foot and pushed my heel with her toes. I stretched my leg out and pointed my foot. Her hand on my left hip pushed me down gently to get me to slightly bend my left knee.

"Listen to my voice, Abigail. Remember to inhale deeply through your nose, exhale through your mouth." I followed her instructions on my breaths, slowly inhaling and exhaling. "Do one pirouette on the counts."

I counted in my head. One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six and Seven. I pushed up on my left foot and turned. I did the pirouette with ease, and I felt more relaxed as I turned and closed the position.

"Keep your eyes closed and do two." Again, I felt more relaxed and centered with my turn.

"Now three, don't think about it. Just do it like the other two."

I felt as if I moved in slow motion as I pushed up on my toes and swung my right leg, I dropped back down and turned, then went up on
en pointe
again and turned. The third time, I turned and finished it, closing the pirouette perfectly like I knew I could. On the inside, I was screaming for joy that I didn't mess up again.

"Very nice, Abigail. You may go now."

Madame Ava went into her office and shut the door. I jumped into the air, so proud of myself. I did it!

I ran outside, dressed in my sweats once again, hoping I didn't miss Rachel and Jade. But everyone was gone except for one face I was more excited to see.

Tucker. He was here.

He sat on the ledge of the cement wall, smoking with his head down, wearing a black leather jacket while his legs swung back and forth. He looked pretty cute just sitting there in his own little world. I wanted to race over to him, but I just stood there in place just to watch him for a moment. I wondered if he would notice me watching him. As if he heard my thoughts, his head looked up and met my eyes; he smiled with his deep left dimple showing. I smiled at him and took my time walking over to him. His smile got bigger the closer I got to him. He reached for me when I was close enough and I more than willingly went into his embrace.