JOURNEY INTO THE REALM: The Spell Master (Journey into the Realm Series) (34 page)

Oh no.
This was
not
good. What had I just done? Why had I just said that? I had made matters much, much worse.

"He opened the trunk for me. He’s a Spell Master. I needed a Spell Master to open the trunk. He was just there," I said, trying to make excuses that I knew Stellan wouldn’t buy.

"What is really going on with you two?" he inquired harshly.

"Nothing, Stellan! I thought you and I were past this. Besides, this isn’t about Nathan. It’s about us.”

He was ignoring me again. "Zora warned me about Nathan. She said you were getting too close to him," he said, beginning to pace through the tall grass.

"So you
have
been talking to her!" I cried bitterly. “I knew it.”

He paused, turning back to face me. But the Stellan looking at me wasn’t the Stellan I thought I knew. In his place was an elf so foreign to me that I could barely stand to look at him. "We have written each other a few times. She told me about Nathan," he confessed.

"How dare she, and how dare you! I thought she was too heart-broken to make any contact with you. That’s why she left for Tarlore.” I was completely blown away by his admission. I wanted to scream and curse and cry but all that came out was, “Writing to each other behind my back? That’s just as bad as your accusation.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t spend all my time with your sister,” he challenged.

“You used to! And it's not my fault that Nathan supports me and cares about our friendship no matter what. He doesn't care that I’m a fairy."

"I do. And I don't like how you are with this elf,” he spat.

"I can see that now. But I won't give up my friendship with Nathan, especially not because you tell me to. You hate me. I can see it." I crossed my arms and shook my head defiantly, wishing I had the courage to smack him across the face. But the feral look in his eyes warned me away.

Stellan sighed and turned away from me. "You have changed, Ramsey. I can't love a fairy.”

“You loved me just fine before you found out!”

“Things have changed now,” he said bleakly.

The words were like ice daggers into my heart. He didn't want me. He didn't want to be with me. My secret had destroyed everything we had. Nothing would ever be the same. The distance had grown rapidly, now stretching between us for miles. Neither of us would ever be able to cross the gap.

"You know what?” I started, anger rising up inside of me like a raging storm. “Maybe I
have
changed. But that’s only because I had to! I had to change. I had to so that I could survive. I have a responsibility to this Realm, to everyone. I don’t know how just yet, but I know that I am the one who has to stop this war.”

“How do you even know that for sure?” he asked bitterly. “When other elves find out about you, they will react the same way I am.”

“I don’t care!” I cried in return. “This life has been thrust upon me, and I’m going to accept it. I thought you would stand at my side, but you can’t even look at me anymore.”

He confirmed my statement by keeping his gaze focused on the ground.

“I just want to be what everyone expects me to be,” I stressed, throwing my hands up in the air in exasperation. “I want to make the best of this. And who knows, maybe this change is good. For the better. Maybe now I can finally be the real me. A me that you obviously don’t care to understand.” I took a deep breath. “But Stellan, you have changed only for yourself. You chose this new you. I didn’t.”

My heart pounding and my face wet with tears, I turned away from him and ran down the dirt roads to the tree, the only escape left in this Realm.

***

I climbed up into our tree when I arrived; Nathan was already seated on his favorite branch. For a moment, I wondered why he was still here. Then I realized that I didn’t care to know.

Endless tears fell down my cheeks. At first, he was smiling, but when he saw me, his expression turned grave. “Ramsey, what’s wrong? What happened?” he asked.

“He…d-doesn’t w-want me anymore,” I stuttered. I could barely speak through my sobs. I was afraid the entire city would hear me.

Nathan took me into his arms and hugged me close. “You told him, didn’t you?” he assumed.

I nodded repeatedly, gasping and crying harder. “I thought he would understand…but he didn’t. He told me he was afraid of me. I scare him, Nathan, because he is fighting a war against fairies. I disgust him. It makes no difference that I’m not an Element fairy. He has changed so much….” Everything was just pouring out of me like a waterfall.

“I’m so sorry, Ramsey. He’s not good enough for you…I’ve always known that,” he expressed.

I pushed him off me and sat on my own branch.

“What did you say? Did you say you always knew that?” I asked, astonished by his admission.

“Yes,” he said.

“You don’t even know him, Nathan,” I retorted. “How could you possibly have thought that way?”

“I could tell. I know what kind of elf he is.”

“Yeah, what kind is he?” I challenged.

“The kind that gets an amazing and beautiful elfen like you and then takes her for granted. One little mistake, and he’s done. If he makes a mistake, he expects you to forgive him. That’s what happened, right? When you rescued Zora, that’s what he did. He made you forgive him, and now he can’t even accept you. Am I right?” he yelled.

I knew he was right. And for that I was angry. He was right all along where I had been horribly misguided. It wasn’t fair. Bitterly, I said, “Stellan’s not the only one who made a mistake.”

He frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You made the mistake of not remembering me.” I hadn’t even thought of the words before I had blurted them out.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

Once I started, I couldn’t stop. “I can’t believe you don’t remember that time at the bookstore or when we danced at Zora’s homecoming party. How could you forget? You say you have feelings for me, but you don’t even remember the first time you saw me!”

Nathan looked at me, dumbfounded. “I…I never forgot, Ramsey. I have remembered this entire time. It was you who forgot,” he accused.

“I did not!”

“Then why didn’t you say anything about it when we met?”

“Why didn’t you?” I cried.

“Because I thought you had forgotten.”

“I thought
you
had forgotten,” I said.

“Well, I didn’t,” he said.

“Neither did I!” I told him.

“Then why are we yelling?” Nathan asked softly.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, closing my eyes tightly, trying to regain my bearings, trying to grab a hold of myself before my control slipped away completely and I said things I knew I would regret.

But Nathan wasn’t finished rehashing the past. “I never forgot you, Ramsey, not for one second. That night when we danced…I walked away without learning your name because I assumed we would meet again. I don’t know why I was so careless.” He sighed, averting his gaze as he continued. “From the very beginning, when you first ran into me outside the jewelry shop, I was drawn to you. I still can’t explain the feeling exactly, but I
had
to know you. I searched for you at the party when I realized my mistake, but then someone told me you had already left. I decided to visit the jewelry shop the next day and see if I could find you. I did, but you weren’t alone.”

I finally understood. “I was with Stellan.”

“Yes, and I knew you two were more than acquaintances, so I didn’t intervene.”

“So you just forgot about me then?” I asked.

“No,” he said seriously. “I
never
forgot.”

“Nathan, I…don’t really know what to say,” I admitted.

“What are you going to
do
?” he asked me for the second time that night.

“I…I don’t know,” I admitted.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” He grabbed my hands and held them tightly. “He doesn’t want you, Ramsey. Don’t you get that? He doesn’t understand who you are.”

“You mean what I have become,” I said, ripping my hands away.

“No, that’s not what I mean,” he started.

“Maybe Stellan’s right,” I interrupted. “Maybe I
have
changed too much.”

“What’s wrong with change?” he asked. “Isn’t that why you came to the Elf Realm in the first place? For change?”

“Not this much change. I’m completely different. I hardly recognize myself.”

“You’re still the same Ramsey I danced with,” he said softly.

“How could you know? You didn’t even know me then,” I challenged.

He smiled tenderly. “I didn’t have to.”

I sighed, wiping more tears from my eyes. “Why couldn’t you have just told me how you felt then, Nathan? It would have saved me so much trouble.”

“We’re not talking about change anymore, are we?”

“No,” I told him. “I’m talking about how you just gave up on me and waited until Stellan was at war to start showing your feelings. Why, Nathan? Why did you put me through all this?”

“Ramsey, I’ve been chasing after you for a long time, but all you have done is run. You’re buried in denial. Do you even know what you want anymore because so much of what you feel is covered in lies?”

His words struck a chord in me that almost made me double over from shock. I wanted to scream, shout, sob; I even wanted to
hurt
him because he was right about me again. How was it that he knew me better than I knew myself?

“If it makes you feel any better,” Nathan said gently, taking my hands. I didn’t have the will to pull away, “no amount of change could ever change how I feel about you.”

Everything fell away in that moment – the moment I knew exactly what he meant.

“Among all the lies, confusion, and craziness of my life, you’ve always known me, haven’t you? Even when I didn’t know myself. You
see
me
,” I realized. “And you love me.”

I didn’t know who initiated what happened next, but suddenly we were kissing. Our lips pressed almost fervently together, his fingers entwined in my hair, and my hands clasped around his neck. We fit in all the ways I imagined we would. Our movements weren’t awkward, but perfectly in tune with one another. I knew exactly what I was doing. I didn’t feel any regret. I wanted this, wanted him. My choice was finally clear as I pulled him closer. He was everything, and I wasn’t denying it anymore.

Overwhelming sensations of passion and warmth spread throughout my body, making me dizzy. My lips tingled. Now I knew what desire meant; it was a fire that would never go out, no matter how many times someone or something tried to extinguish it.

I breathed him in as he breathed me in. We were no longer separated by barriers of doubt or guilt or apprehension. The boundaries were gone.

My heart was racing. I opened my eyes to look at Nathan, and his beautiful eyes were sparkling with a bright, new light that reflected what I wanted to see every day for the rest of my life. I needed only those silver slashes to feel complete.

“I love you,” I whispered, not wanting this fragile moment to end.

His gaze was intense; he didn’t speak. He simply looked into my eyes the same way I was looking into his. His lips were red from where mine had been moments earlier. My own were tender and tingling with life.

“You and your luck,” he said finally, his lips breaking into a smile.

He pulled me in and hugged me fiercely. I knew that I belonged here,
right here.
With him.

“Don’t run away from me.
Ever again
,” he muttered against my hair.

“I won’t,” I told him. “I promise.” The words were so real I could feel them resonate within me.

He was mine; I was his. This was what I had been searching for all along. My uncertainty had finally disappeared, replaced with a belief so strong I knew I would never doubt its reality again.

“Oh, and by the way,” I said, loving the way my cheek rested perfectly on his shoulder. “The thought I use for my spells is you.”

“I knew it.” I could hear the grin in his tone.

I, Ramsey, half-elfen and half-Golden fairy, had truly fallen in love for the first and hopefully the very last time.

When I arrived back home, I found Stellan waiting for me in the kitchen. I wasn’t surprised. Nathan and I had agreed that he would probably be there, the reason he didn’t walk me home. I chose Nathan in the tree. Stellan, despite his reaction to my secret, deserved an explanation before he returned to war. I owed our relationship that much at least.

I didn’t regret my choice, but I was still angry with Stellan. Angry that he deserted me so quickly. That he didn’t even hesitate in trying to break me. Luckily, Nathan had been there to keep me together.

But every bit of anger fell away when our eyes met. I wasn’t the only one hurting, suffering from the bitter words that were spoken earlier. In a different way, I had betrayed Stellan. I had allowed myself to grow close to Nathan knowing full well what it would mean in the end. My denial had lifted, and now I was owning up to my mistakes. I couldn’t yell or berate him now.

“I’m glad you haven’t left,” I admitted, as surprised by the words as he was.

He opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it. I could tell he was at a loss for what to say in reply. I stood waiting, giving him all the time he needed because I wasn’t interested in starting a fight.

Stellan closed his eyes, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. "I...I never meant for my reaction to be so strong…so hateful. Everything was just so overwhelming...I didn't understand. I should have taken the time to consider what this meant for us. I should have listened."

"But you didn’t. You didn’t listen and you didn’t try to understand. And now here we are standing in my dark kitchen,” I muttered.

His shoulders slumped. "I’m so sorry, but I don’t think that I will ever understand, not completely anyway." Stellan gripped his hands into fists, not in anger, but in frustration, like he didn’t know how to truly express himself. "Ramsey, I love you, but I don’t know
how
to accept this. I don’t think that I can."

He stood up and walked over to me. We were only a few inches apart. I couldn't move and stay still all at the same time. I wanted to run but something inside me had rooted my feet to the floor.

"Do you hate me?" I dared to ask.

"No,” he said without hesitation. “I could never hate you.”

“But?” I asked, waiting for the catch.

“I know you love me...and I love you. But our love isn’t strong enough to make me comfortable with your fairy side. And it isn’t strong enough to keep you away from him.” He inhaled sharply. “It never was.”

“Stellan, you have to believe me. I didn’t mean to grow so close to him,” I said, hoping that if he understood anything, it was what I was telling him now. “I never meant to love him.”

Stellan nodded. “He was there for you when I couldn’t be. I guess I deserve this after all I put you through….”

“No, Stellan, you don’t understand. I didn’t do this to you out of spite. I don’t even know how it happened, I –”

“What happened,” he interrupted, “is exactly what happened when I saw you for the first time. I was with Zora, despite her disappearance. But the moment I watched you fall in that cafeteria, my instant reaction was to catch you and never let go. I knew who I wanted. Now so do you.”

So he knew then, that I had already chosen Nathan. After everything, he knew me well enough to realize my true feelings.

“I thought you and I were meant to be together,” I told him. “I wanted to be completely sure, but I never was. I couldn’t be.”

“I believe you, Ramsey,” he replied. “But can you believe that I didn’t want to see your secret this way? As a horrid thing? Fighting in the war has…changed me. You were right. I don’t see things the same way you do. Not anymore at least, and maybe I never did.”

I nodded solemnly. My face was dry. I was numb on the outside but feeling everything in my heart. “I believe you, Stellan.”

“I still love you. Even after this, I do.”

“I love you too,” I said. “Just…not in the same…you know.” I took a shaky breath. I was trembling.

Stellan shook his head. “I wish love were enough. But even if we tried, even if you were to forget him…there would always be me, the soldier, and you, the fairy,” he said.

“I know, Stellan.” I tried to smile. “You don’t have to explain it to me. I know. And it’s all right. I promise. It will be all right.” I wrapped my arms around him, and he wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his chest.

“I’m so…
relieved
to know you have him,” he muttered, so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

I wasn’t the Elf Girl Stellan loved anymore.

And I didn’t love Stellan the same way I did before meeting Nathan.

“He’ll be there for you, always. I won’t be there, but he will. I see how the two of you look at each other, the way you seem to understand each other so completely….I hate to admit it, Ramsey, but we never had that,” Stellan acknowledged softly.

No, I wasn’t the Elf Girl any longer.

I was someone different, someone new.

“Thank you,” I expressed, comforted that Stellan would leave tonight with understanding and acceptance, and not hatred, in his heart.

We both knew who loved this girl, this new girl.

I had my Spell Master, and I was never letting go.