JOURNEY INTO THE REALM: The Spell Master (Journey into the Realm Series) (33 page)

I miss you so much, Nathan.

***

I spent the next day with Stellan, trying to fix the invisible rift between us. I didn’t know if Stellan noticed it, but I certainly did. I was determined to make it go away before he left. I had made a choice, and I had to make it work.

We occupied our time by walking through the streets of Birchwood City, revisiting old memories and creating new ones. We stopped by Aaron’s shop and said hello to him and his friend Rayanne, the elfen who lent me the book on dragons. Then we went to Tavis’s house to see how he and Aimee were doing since the terrible night of graduation. They seemed to be holding up well. Tavis’s adorable younger brothers probably had something to do with that.

Reid didn’t answer the door and neither did his parents. The house was lit, but they weren’t accepting visitors. I didn’t know if that was part of the elfin grieving process or if I should be worried.

I skipped out on seeing Nathan. I knew that taking Stellan to see him would only make things worse between us. I stuck to the plan of talking to Nathan when Stellan left tomorrow night. I wanted to make up for the fight we had. I wanted things to be good between us again, friendly – but that was all. I owed it to him to tell him the truth: that I had made a decision, and I wasn’t leaving Stellan. I dreaded doing so more than anyone could fathom, but it had to be said.

On the way to lunch, I found a bird shape-shifter to take a letter to Brielle, informing her on what had happened at the graduation party and asking her to pass along the information to Zora.

At noon, we lunched at the only restaurant in Birchwood City, the one Stellan had previously worked at before leaving for war. Memories of my dinner with Nathan hung in the air, but I tried to make the best of the situation and enjoy my time with Stellan. After all, we had shared our first date here.

Later, Stellan suggested going to the orchard, a proposal I quickly declined. If fairies were in the orchard, it was definitely not a good idea for me to go there. I would stay as far away as possible.

I still hadn’t followed up on the note Aditi had given me, but I knew I should wait to go to the orchard alone or with Nathan, if he still wanted my company after I told him my decision. Stellan didn’t know my secret, so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to take him along with me, just in case the note had something to do with my fairy side.

Instead, we flew with the dragons again and then had tea with Aaliyah. All the while I did my very best to be as close to Stellan as I could. It worked for the most part, but the distance was still there. I wished that I knew a way to get rid of it altogether. I had no clue what else to do.

Ellie was feeling a lot better than the day before and joined us for tea. She happily chatted with us about what Stellan had missed this year. I carefully made sure not to mention Nathan as I described my school year in greater detail than yesterday. In addition, I kept Zora out as well. I didn’t want to tell Stellan about the many fights that resulted from Zora’s lingering feelings for him and my friendship with Nathan.

We had another brilliant feast that night and a peaceful evening together. The fire lit the room and warmed us all, along with our cups of herbal tea. Then we took our party to the center of Birchwood City, where a large bonfire was being held for any who wanted to celebrate the solstice together. The affair was commemorated on the second day of the holiday; the first was always reserved for families to spend together.

Unfortunately, Nathan was also at the bonfire, along with my other friends from school. They beckoned us over, and after Aaliyah and Ellie both decided we should join them, I reluctantly led Stellan toward the group. Nathan said a brief hello and then engrossed himself into spending his time with Tavis. Like Nathan had mentioned the night before, he had no place in my life while Stellan was home. His brutally honest words echoed in my mind.

Fortunately, Aimee and Ellie quickly took my mind off Nathan and kept Stellan and I entertained for the remainder of the night. Aaliyah went to join a group of her older, more sophisticated friends soon after we arrived. The night was filled with music, laughter, and more fun than I had expected. Even though we had lost two of our friends, the Winter Solstice taught us that death was a part of life. We had to remember that.

We stayed at the bonfire until two in the morning and then returned home when we started feeling weary. I said goodnight to Stellan and Aaliyah and followed Ellie inside my house. When she chose to stay over I never questioned her or made any comments. Her presence was as natural as if she were real family.

“So did you notice how Nathan was avoiding you?” she commented when we got into bed.

“I noticed,” I said sadly.

“Why do you think he did that?”

“Wasn’t it obvious?” I asked, bothered that she was even mentioning Nathan to me at all. “It was because Stellan was there.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah.” I sighed and turned away, hoping to signify an end to our conversation.

“Stellan is leaving tomorrow night though, right?” she asked.

“Yes, he is leaving tomorrow night,” I confirmed.

“Then soon the tension will subside.” She wasn’t sugar-coating anything, just stating the palpable reality, but I still didn’t want to hear it.

“I don’t want Stellan to leave, though,” I admitted.

“Of course you don’t. But you’ve made it work so far. You can get through the rest of Stellan’s service.”

“I hope so,” I muttered.

I closed my eyes tightly, fighting off imaginary movie scenes detailing all the possible ways we could break up for good. What choices would I have to make in the coming days that could threaten our relationship further? How many more times would I have to resist temptation in order to remain faithful to him? And how did Element fairy threats fit into the situation?

What if I just couldn’t overcome the obstacles?

“You’re nervous about what will happen between you and Nathan the longer Stellan is gone,” she pointed out, startling me from my thoughts.

“How do you know me so well?” I wondered.

Ellie sighed. “I’m just that good.”

“You sounded like Nathan when you said that,” I said, smiling to myself.

“You really like him, don’t you?”

“Who, Nathan?” I asked.

“Yes,” she confirmed. “It’s okay to admit it to me, Ramsey.”

“I do like him a lot,” I acknowledged. “That’s the problem.”

“You’ll figure things out, Ramsey. You just need more time,” she said affectionately, a tone most unlike her.

“I hope so, Ellie. I
really
hope so.”

I blew out our candle and burrowed under my covers, which finally put an end to our conversation.

***

The following day was similar to the first, only this time we occupied ourselves in Aubrey for the majority of our day. It was difficult at first to revisit the site of Janie and Daran’s murders, but Stellan wanted to see more of the small town. I wanted to make him happy on his last day with me before leaving for war once again, so I gave in.

We strolled down the dirt roads arm in arm and admired the simple beauty of the shops, venders, and scenery. The day was lovely, and the sun shone brilliantly in the sky even though it was the end of December. The bright light made the wooden shops and houses shimmer and sparkle as the rays reflected on the rooftops. The air was chilly but not enough to keep any elves indoors.

Being with Stellan was just like old times, when I was just an elfen, just Ramsey. I quickly realized that it wasn’t exactly
fun
, at least not my kind of fun anymore. I found myself thinking of Nathan even while Stellan and I were supposed to be having a good time. It didn’t seem to matter that I had Stellan here to distract me.

When I was with Nathan, I forgot about my secret, Finn, my troubles with Zora, the Dreaming Potion scare with Brielle – everything that caused stress or worry. I could just
be
. But with Stellan, no matter what we did, where we went, the stress remained. No fun.

Still, I didn’t want to lose him. If I did, I could face losing the ties to my old life when I was just Ramsey, the elfen with human tendencies, and not the half-Golden fairy, half-elfen who was torn between two elves and lived in constant danger. I wasn’t ready to let go of my past, because I wasn’t ready to move forward. The future seemed cloudy and uncertain.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid.

***

We enjoyed our principal feast on the third night to celebrate the end of the Winter Solstice and to see Stellan off. We thanked God for nature and praised the beauty of our Realm. Stellan would leave in a few short hours. I had only a diminutive amount of time left with him. A thought I had put off until now made its way to the forefront of my mind. Should I tell Stellan my secret before he left? I wondered how he would react. Maybe it wasn’t the best ending note to the holiday. However, if now was not the time, when would I tell him? I couldn’t tell him in a letter, and with all the changes I had experienced, how long would it be before other elves found out first?

Despite my doubts, I knew what I needed to do. I had to tell Stellan my secret. If I wanted to be with him, he deserved to know. And if he wanted to stay with me, he needed to know what he was getting himself into.

But first I needed some air. I had to collect myself and plan what I would say. I excused myself from Aaliyah’s, saying that I needed to retrieve something from home, and stepped outside. I went to the only place I knew I could think – the tree.

When I arrived, I breathed a sigh of relief. Nathan wasn’t here, at least not yet. We had planned to meet at the tree around midnight, after Stellan left. I was just glad Nathan hadn’t decided to show up early.

“Ramsey?”

I had spoken
way
too soon, apparently, because Nathan was here. In fact, he was sitting on his favorite branch, peering down at me intently.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me yet. It’s nowhere near midnight,” I mentioned.

“I didn’t think you would be here. I thought you would still be with
him
,” Nathan said, jumping down from the lowest branch and walking over to me.

“I needed some time alone. To think,” I told him.

“I’m glad, because I could barely stand to stay away from you any longer,” he said.

He spoke with such honesty that I felt a kind of pain in my gut. He was so sincere, so honest with me all the time. It was hard not to just give in to him.

As he put his arms around me, I didn’t shy away, even though I should have. I was too selfish. I wanted him to hold me.

“Look, Ramsey, I know I told you once before that I didn’t want to ruin your relationship with Stellan…but now…after all that’s happened between us….”

“What?” I asked.

“I don’t know if I can help my feelings for you,” he admitted. “Even if you choose him.”

I should have moved out of his arms then. That’s what I should have done. I had made up my mind; I was staying with Stellan. Moving away would have been the smart thing to do. But I didn’t.

“Me either,” I admitted as well, so shocked by my confession that I nearly gasped.

Maybe I hadn’t really chosen after all.

“What are you going to do?” he wondered.

“Talk to him,” I said.

“About?”

“Where we go from here.”

“Will you tell him your secret?” he asked quietly, almost like he didn’t want to know the answer.

That’s when I finally moved out of Nathan’s arms. I looked down at the ground and drew circles in the dirt with my feet.

“Yes. I owe it to him to do so,” I said. “That’s actually why I came here. To think of how to tell him.”

“What if he doesn’t understand?”

I shut my eyes tightly. “I have to give him a chance. I have to give him the chance to support me, like you have. I can’t decide where my heart lies until then.”

I didn’t know what I was saying. I had already chosen Stellan. But it seemed like whenever I was around Nathan, all the choices I made before were thrown out the window. He made me reconsider everything.

“And if he doesn’t understand?” he asked.

“I’ll decide what to do then,” I told him. I couldn’t say anything else. I couldn’t tell him that I had chosen Stellan over him because at that moment I didn’t really know if it would be the honest truth.

He nodded. “All right.” Nathan’s expression was grim. “You should go talk to him. Soon, before he leaves.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

He hugged me tightly. “I…never mind. I’ll meet you back here when you’re finished. Then we can talk.”

I nodded and turned to walk back to Aaliyah’s.

I would never know for sure, but I thought Nathan had almost said, “I love you.”

I couldn’t say with complete certainty that it would have changed things, but a strong part of me believed so.

***

I approached Stellan when I returned from the tree. He was laughing and talking with Aaliyah and Ellie by the fireplace. I muttered a brief hello and then tugged on his hand. He looked up at me and smiled, which I half-heartedly returned. I was nervous to tell him about my secret. I hoped he would understand.

"I need to talk to you," I told him. "All right, go ahead." I bit my lip. "Outside."

"Oh." He nodded and followed me out of the house.

I led him down the street, to the back of my home. It would be a quiet and private place to talk, where we wouldn’t be disturbed. The dragons were out night-flying. He started to lean toward me as if to kiss me, but I stopped him by placing my hands on his chest and putting distance between us.

"This is serious, Stellan,” I said.

He brushed his fingers tenderly across my cheek. "Oh, sorry. You just look so beautiful tonight.”

“Thanks,” I told him, my face growing hot. “But that’s not why I need to talk to you.”

“Then talk,” he encouraged.

“I found out my secret,” I blurted, knowing hesitation wouldn’t do me any good. “I found out a few weeks ago but couldn’t tell anyone because it wasn’t safe for me to do so. But I want to tell you. I want you to know because I want the distance between us to disappear, and it can’t unless I’m completely honest with you.” I paused. “Would you like to know?”

"Of course I would!” he cried, beaming at me. He was so beautiful. So wonderful. But would he be as supportive when he learned the truth about me? When he learned that I was half-fairy? “Ramsey, this is great news. You can finally figure everything out.”

"I'm glad you see it that way,” I said, taking so many deep breaths that I felt like a swimmer preparing for a giant dive into the ocean. “Here it goes...This is very difficult for me to say to you. I don't know how you will respond, and I don't know if you will like this but...I have to try. If we are going to be together, you have to know everything."

"Ramsey, you’re scaring me. How bad can it be?" he asked.

I bit my lip and rubbed my arms, trying to rid myself of my anxiety. "That depends on what you call bad," I remarked.

"Just tell me," he pleaded.

"Okay.” I waited for a moment, realizing that once I said the words, I couldn’t take them back. Was I sure that I wanted him to know? I sighed in frustration. I couldn’t back down now. I had to go through with it. I had already led him on too far to drop the subject.

“I'm half-Golden fairy,” I declared, saying each word carefully.

Stellan's eyes grew wide and his mouth hung open. "What did you say?” he asked slowly.

"My mother was not who you thought she was. Zora's mother, Alanna, died when Zora was a baby. I don’t know what made her go to Birchwood City in the first place, but my mother, Rosina, the youngest sister of Queen Titania, fell in love with my father. He placed a spell on her to make her look just like Alanna and have the same power because she couldn’t reveal her true self to the elves. The reason my parents left, the reason they hid me away, was because they knew someone would find out sooner or later."

He watched me warily. "You’re a fairy?"

"Only half-fairy,” I corrected. “I’m still half-elfen. The only real fairy part of me is that I can perform fairy spells and I can dream. I also have golden streaks in my hair that you can’t see right now. They are covered by a spell. But I don’t have wings, although I think I may get them eventually. It would explain the sharp pains in my back at least."

Everything was coming out in such a rush. I could tell already that Stellan was too dumbfounded to process all that I had confessed to him.

"You have dreams?”

"They are just a part of fairy nature. But other than that, I’m still an elfen," I assured him.

He took a step backward, almost losing his balance for a moment. "No, Ramsey. You’re not an elfen. You’re a fairy...." I saw his face twist in disgust.

My heart started beating rapidly. What was happening? Why was he acting like this? Didn’t he love me enough to accept this new part of me?

Then I realized I hadn't thought of one tiny detail that explained everything. Stellan had just come from war. A war against fairies. I probably should have thought about that earlier. Now I just had to make the best of the situation and try to make him understand.

"Stellan, I’m not an Element fairy. I’m not like them...I swear!"

"How do I know that? You’re still one of them. You...your kind are killers,” he spat, his features a mixture of fear and hate.

"I’m not a killer, Stellan. The Golden fairies have nothing to do with the war!" I cried.

"But they won't stop it, either," he reminded me.

"So? That has nothing to do with me! I’m not the reason this war hasn’t ended.
I’m
supposed to end it,” I reminded him, even though I could tell he wasn’t listening. “God, what happened to you, Stellan?"

"The war happened, Ramsey,” he told me straight out, his words hostile and bitter. “I saw terrible things that you could never imagine seeing."

"That has nothing to do with me. I still believe the same things."

"Do you hate the fae?" he asked.

"Of course not! I’m a part of them," I said. “I can’t hate what I am.”

"But they took your sister," he argued.

"Those were only a few fairies out of thousands. I can't judge all of them just because some made a mistake! Elves make mistakes too,” I reminded him, thinking of Lady Cora. “Stellan, I thought you would understand. When Nathan found out, he was there for me and supported me like he always has…."

Stellan moved back, almost like I had physically shoved him. "Wait...you told
Nathan
before telling me?"