JOURNEY INTO THE REALM: The Spell Master (Journey into the Realm Series) (32 page)

As my black sandals padded against the dirt roads leading to Aaliyah’s home, I found myself thinking over what Kalani had confessed to me. Was Stellan really so different now? Had he truly been “hardened?” Would that change our relationship?

I forgot all of my worries when I walked through Aaliyah’s front door and immediately noticed a change in Ellie. She was sitting at the table, a cup of steaming hot tea in front of her, and the hint of a smile playing across her lips. Her face shone with color, and her hair was styled elegantly in dark curls. Her hands didn’t shake, and her eyes contained no traces of the cold and empty look they possessed earlier. I could still see the grief she carried, but that was understandable.

I sat down beside her and smiled. “You look a lot better,” I told her.

“I feel better,” she said warmly. “Thank you so much for bringing me here. I was quite a mess. I’ve just never lost anyone so close to me. It was…a shock, to put it lightly.”

“No problem. I’m just glad you’re okay now. What did you two do all day?” I asked.

“We talked, cooked, and drank a lot of tea,” Aaliyah explained, smiling, as she, too, sat down across from me.

“Sounds like a nice time,” I commented.

“It was. How was your day?” Aaliyah asked.

“It was all right. Stellan and I flew with the dragons for most of the day, so that was good. But I still can’t stop thinking about…last night.” Aaliyah and Ellie both gave me sympathetic glances. I smiled, thankful that I was surrounded by so many who cared for me, and then remembered something. “Oh, and I almost forgot, is it all right that Nathan is coming over for dinner?”

Ellie rolled her eyes. I glared at her.

“Your friend from school, right?” Aaliyah asked.

“Yes,” I confirmed.

“The more the merrier during Winter Solstice,” she said happily.

“Wonderful,” I replied, releasing a breath I was holding, glad that Nathan would be welcomed.

Stellan walked in and sat down next to me, which was at the head of the table. He took my hand and smiled. This had to be the Stellan I knew. It had to be. He wasn’t different. Kalani had to be wrong.

Soon a knock sounded at the door. Aaliyah rose to open it. I held my breath as Nathan stepped through the doorway. I knew my face lit up when he walked in because I saw the looks from both Stellan and Ellie, but I shrugged them off. I wasn’t in the mood for judgment today. I wanted the pain of losing my friends to subside, and that would only be possible with Nathan’s presence.

“Welcome, Nathan,” Aaliyah greeted.

“Thank you for having me,” he replied, handing her a bouquet of flowers. “From my parents, to thank you for taking me off their hands.” I cupped a hand over my mouth to hide my amusement and Aaliyah laughed lightly and accepted them graciously.

“Oh, why thank you very much. It’s a pleasure,” she said.

I noticed Nathan had one flower remaining in his grasp, a bright yellow marigold. Without mentioning his reasoning for doing so, he took the seat across from Ellie and diagonal from me. I felt Stellan’s hand tense around mine.

“Hey, Nathan,” I said, greeting him with a wide smile.

“Hey,” he replied. I was glad to see him smile too.

“How are you doing?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I’m all right. What about you? I’m sorry about,” he lowered his voice, “how strange I acted earlier. I never meant to worry you.” He smiled apologetically.

“You didn’t,” I replied. Then I realized how intimate our conversation was, and how awkward it must be for those around us. I cleared my throat and decided an introduction was now in order. “Nathan,” I said, “as you probably guessed, this is Stellan.”

Nathan nodded, still showing a faint smile, and looked Stellan in the eye. If I was afraid of things becoming too awkward, I wasn’t anymore. Nathan was too personable and friendly to ruin anyone’s evening.

“Nice to finally meet you,” Nathan said pleasantly. “I know Ramsey’s been eager for your homecoming.”

I also detected a hint of amusement in Nathan’s eyes, and I knew that he was thinking of our almost kiss, something he didn’t remember but still knew of because I had told him. He was trying to prove a point, covertly reminding me that I was too busy with him to ever think of Stellan. I winced when I realized how close to the truth he was. I had thought of Stellan, but probably not as much as I should have.

“You too,” Stellan replied, but he sounded a little distant, less welcoming.

I looked over to Ellie. I could tell she also sensed the growing discomfort in the air. She cleared her throat. “So…how is everyone going to spend their Winter Solstice?” she asked.

“I for one will be doing a lot of cooking. Expect feasts larger than life throughout the solstice,” Aaliyah said humorously.

“I plan to be helping her,” Ellie said with a smile.

“I will mostly be with my parents and other relatives who are coming to visit,” Nathan told us. He said this almost sadly, as if he wished there were some other way to spend his time. Again, I winced inwardly.

“I hope to be spending all of my time with Ramsey,” Stellan said as he looked at me.

I blushed and didn’t know what to say. I could feel Nathan’s gaze from across the table. “I just want to try and have fun,” I said lamely.

It was a vague enough statement; I hoped the awkward meter would go down a bit now.

Aaliyah went to the kitchen and grabbed a huge pot. She placed it on the table and then went back for a basket of bread and a bowl of butter. She lit a candle that sat inside a small wreath at the center of the table.

“What is the wreath’s purpose?” I asked.

“The Winter Solstice is a celebration of nature, which the wreath signifies,” Aaliyah informed me. “Let us now say a prayer of thanksgiving to nature and to life. Everyone join hands.”

We all took each other’s hands and waited for Aaliyah to begin.

“Lord, thank you for the life you have given us. Thank you for the beauty of this Realm and let it continue to prosper under your love. High peace to all.”

“High peace to all,” we all repeated.

“Now it’s time to eat,” Aaliyah decided. “For tonight, I made vegetable soup. There is no meat; just what nature gives us.”

“That’s clever,” I commented.

“Thank you,” Aaliyah replied.

She uncovered the pot of soup, and we took turns scooping it into our bowls. While dipping bread into the delicious dinner, I listened as Aaliyah told us more about the Winter Solstice. I knew I was probably the only one learning because I had never celebrated this event, but thankfully, no one minded hearing about it again.

Unfortunately, Stellan wouldn’t stop making things awkward. He would kiss me every chance he got, hold my hand on top of the table, and talk about how thankful he was that he could be home with me. I sank lower in my seat every time. I was all too aware of the glances Nathan gave me. I had promised it wouldn’t be awkward. I had failed.

Stellan was doing these things to make sure Nathan knew I was his. I was irritated by his jealousy. It made me want to smack him. Then again, Stellan was probably right to be jealous. Nathan and I were very close, after all.

I could tell Nathan was doing his best to lighten the mood by sharing stories from school with the rest of us, which Ellie helped to tell whenever she could. He mentioned our times in self-defense class, and even the rides he and I took on the dragons. I realized during these conversations that Nathan probably knew more about me than Stellan did. Maybe Stellan could tell as well, and that’s why he was so worried.

I also realized during those conversations how warm I felt whenever Nathan mentioned my name. I tried hiding my feelings, but it was difficult to do as I remembered how many good times we had shared in the past few months, months that seemed to contain the best memories of my life thus far.

I could feel Stellan’s tension as Nathan spoke. And when Nathan was finished, Stellan had a story of his own to tell.

“I remember the exact moment I knew that Ramsey was the elfen for me,” he began. “That first time I laid eyes on her….”

“Oh, please don’t share that embarrassing story,” I pleaded uncomfortably. “It’s not fair for everyone here to have a glimpse of how awkward I was back then.”

“Back then?” Nathan said sarcastically.

I laughed and buried my face in my hands. “Don’t make fun of me,” I joked.

“I for one want to hear all about it,” Ellie said tauntingly.

I gave her the evil eye. “Fine. Go ahead and have your fun,” I said, finally giving up. I literally wished I could melt into the floor.

Stellan smiled. “Great, now where was I? Oh, yes, that first day. It was in the Human Realm, and Addison and I were there to find Ramsey and bring her home. I hadn’t seen her yet, but Addison had, and I was in her school’s cafeteria to see if I could get a look at her. As I scanned the crowd, I noticed a pale-haired girl stumbling near a crowded table, and before she could fall, I used my ability to catch her.”

“How romantic,” Ellie gushed, laughing and jabbing me playfully in the side.

I knew my face was red. “Hurry up and get it over with,” I pleaded, although even I was smiling now. It was hard not to as I remembered our first encounter.

“All right, calm down, Elf Girl,” he said, using his nickname for me, which only made me feel giddy inside. “When she was back on her feet, I remember that she couldn’t stop thanking me for saving her from falling. So adorable,” he joked.

“What can I say? Your elf charm caught me off guard,” I teased.

“Yes, and I remember that was when I realized she was the elfen for me,” he said lovingly.

I wanted to feel comforted by his words, but I accidently made eye-contact with Nathan as Stellan finished his story, and the anguish on his face was plainly visible.

***

Once dinner ended, I excused myself from the table and walked with Nathan outside to say goodnight. Nathan had other ideas.

“Ramsey, what was that?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked. I was trying to play everything down, even though I knew what he meant.

“You know what I mean. Don’t tell me that Stellan always acts like that at dinnertime.”

“No, he doesn’t,” I admitted. “I’m sorry, Nathan. I had no idea that Stellan would act that way.”

“Yes, well I
did
. I shouldn’t have come.” He shook his head and let out a long sigh.

“Don’t say that,” I said.

“It’s true. As long as he is around, I don’t fit into your life. I’m sorry. I’ll see you when he leaves.” He started to turn away.

My breath caught in my throat. “Don’t be that way, Nathan. You can’t just leave me like this.”

“Why not? You have Stellan. He’ll be there to catch you whenever you fall,” Nathan said mockingly.

“Please, Nathan, I don’t want this to ruin us. I don’t want to lose you because of Stellan.”

I could feel tears brimming over my eyes. Nathan’s expression changed from anger to concern in an instant. He put his arms around me and held me close. I realized how bad it would be if Stellan were to come outside and see us together, but I also realized how little I cared. All I cared about right now was keeping Nathan with me.

“You won’t lose me, Ramsey. I’m sorry I got so upset…This evening just wasn’t very pleasant.”

“I know, and I’m sorry for that. But I’m not sorry you came,” I admitted. “I know this isn’t working. I need to straighten things out.”

“You do,” he agreed. “You need to figure out what you want.”

There it was. The ultimatum.

“Now you’re asking me to choose between the two of you,” I realized.

He hesitated for only a moment. “If that’s what it takes for things to straighten out, then yes.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I admitted.

“It’s not just about you,” he replied.

Then he did something that caught me completely off guard. Something I never expected he would do. He looked at me, his eyes catching hold of mine. But this time, there was no trance. There was no fire.

There was just…
feeling
.

The barriers that separated us – the trances, the desire, the fear – were all gone. There was just him and me, looking into each others’ hearts.

He leaned in and softly kissed my cheek. The gesture held more meaning than any emotion or thought I had ever held within me. Caught up in the moment, I didn’t notice the yellow marigold in my palms until he stepped away.

“The color reminds me of you,” he said in a hushed voice. “I’ve decided to make marigolds a pattern.”

I looked down at the fragile flower in my palms, admiring the golden-yellow hues, marveling at the way he knew me so well, at the small gesture that told me I was never far from his thoughts. Just as he was never far from mine.

I stood in silence for a moment, trying to come up with some kind of answer, some kind of decision. Nathan was right; this wasn’t just about me. But I couldn’t bring myself to make anything final.

I went back inside the house. Stellan and Ellie were still sitting at the table, while Aaliyah cleaned up the kitchen.

“Ramsey, I need to talk to you.” Ellie said earnestly.

I nodded, still undecided about the situation with Nathan, and followed her to the fireplace, which was out of earshot for both Aaliyah and Stellan.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“You, that’s what’s up,” she came back with. “Ramsey, from what I have seen and heard Stellan is a great elf. I think you need to be careful.”

“Careful of what?” I asked.

“Losing him,” she specified. “You and I both saw the scenes at the dinner table. Your relationship with Nathan isn’t exactly comforting to him.”

“Stellan shouldn’t worry so much,” I told her hurriedly. “Nathan is…my friend.”

“And that’s all?” she asked.

I looked down, finding it difficult to lie to her. “I don’t know.”

“See? As your friend, I am advising you not to ruin this. You may regret it later,” she explained.

“I’ve heard this all before, Ellie,” I complained, resisting the urge to sigh or roll my eyes.

She lifted my chin so our eyes could meet. “Then
listen
to it this time, all right? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I nodded and watched her walk out the door. Then I went over to the table and took Stellan’s hand in mine. “Walk me home?” I asked.

“Real walking?”

I nodded. “No teleporting tonight.”

He stood up. “Let’s go,” he suggested.

I said goodnight to Aaliyah and followed Stellan out the door. Stars twinkled above us, making the whole town shimmer along with the candles that lit the elfin homes. I always believed that the Elf Realm was like a fairyland. For a brief moment, I wondered what a real fairyland looked like, and if I would be happier there. I could feel myself losing interest in the Elf Realm. The curious and adventure-seeking part of me wished for something more. More enchantment, more excitement. I loved the Elf Realm, but deep inside I knew that my soul yearned to see the other Realms. When I first came to Birchwood, I vowed I would never leave, but that was before I learned my secret, before I learned that I was more than just an elfen.

I thought about my future. Where did I see myself? Would I belong to this Realm or to the Golden Fairy Realm? Which part of me would be dominant in my life, the elfen side or the fairy side? What did I want?

I came out of my daze of thoughts when I heard Stellan’s voice. “Ramsey?”

“What?” I asked, blinking.

“Did you hear any of what I just said?” he asked.

“Uh…no,” I said sheepishly. “Sorry. I was daydreaming.” I hugged my arms to my chest and tried to keep myself from wandering off in my thoughts again.

“I said I was sorry about tonight. My behavior was, well, not right,” he said.

“I noticed,” I said bitterly, looking away. I knew I shouldn’t be angry with him. Annoyed, yes, but angry? That was stretching it. I knew how close Nathan and I were. Stellan had a right to step in.

“Hey, please don’t get too upset with me. I apologized,” he reminded me.

I sighed. “I just don’t understand you, Stellan. That’s all.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“It seems that you don’t trust me. It’s like you not only had to show our relationship off to Nathan so that he would get the point, but also that
I
would get the point,” I admitted.

Stellan froze. We had been standing before my door for many moments now.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” I guessed.

He nodded. I sighed. “Why can’t you trust me? You of all elves should know what trust means to
me
,” I said.

“Please don’t bring that up.”

“You asked for it, Stellan. Do you really believe that, after what you did to me last June, I would turn around and do the same? I would never want to hurt
anyone
that way. No matter how close I am with Nathan, I won’t betray you. He cannot be more than a friend to me,” I realized suddenly, finding fresh tears in my eyes, “because I never want to hurt you.”

He placed a warm hand on my cheek, and I burned with shame, remembering Nathan’s lips pressed against the same place only minutes ago. Stellan probably thought I was crying because of him, but I wasn’t.

I was crying because I had just realized that I could never leave him for Nathan. I couldn’t hurt him, no matter how much every part of me yearned to run to Nathan right now, to choose him
right now.
I felt parts of me begin to crumble, all the parts that Nathan had helped reform during these last few months. His friendship had changed me, transformed me even more than my fairy genes.

Now it was all slipping away because I knew I couldn’t have him, and all that was left of me was the self-conscious girl from my past. The girl Stellan wanted. The one he rescued in the cafeteria. The girl who was a stranger to me now, but who I would have to become again if I decided to stay with Stellan.

Stellan’s lips formed into a tight frown, distracting me from my self-pity fest. “What?” I asked.

“I hate this,” he expressed suddenly.

“Hate what?” I wondered, sniffling.

“The distance between us.”

“There doesn’t have to be distance,” I told him, swallowing slowly, trying to behave like the Elf Girl he wanted, even though I didn’t really know how to be her anymore.

“I’m going back to war soon. Distance is inevitable,” he insisted.

I took a deep breath. “You and I both know that’s not the kind of distance we’re talking about.”

He waited for a long moment before answering. “No, it’s not.”

“This distance is emotional, Stellan, not physical.” I was reminding myself of this just as much as I was reminding him.

He nodded. “How do we fix it?” he asked.

I bit my lip. This was my last chance. Either I took this opportunity to run, or I stayed put to break down whatever walls had risen up between us since his departure last August. I drew a shaky breath.

“You could try kissing me again,” I suggested, trying to keep my voice from cracking.

He finally smiled and lifted my chin up so I could look into his eyes. Then he kissed me, his lips lingering on mine. I smiled, despite the havoc wreaking inside me. The Ramsey from before, Stellan’s Elf Girl, was steadily reclaiming her position, doing her best to make the half-elfen, half-Golden fairy Nathan knew disappear.

“The distance is shorter already,” I said, attempting to sound positive.

“I think you’re right again,” he replied, oblivious to my inner struggle.

We told each other goodnight, then I went into my house as his ability took him home. When I closed the door, my smile faded and my eyes became wet with tears. I sank to the floor, gripping my chest, trying to convince myself that my heart was still there and that choosing Stellan hadn’t left a huge emptiness inside me.

I felt the crushing weight of failure grip my entire being. Even after our embrace, the distance between Stellan and me wasn’t shorter. I hadn’t felt the usual light feeling. My breath hadn’t been taken away. I hadn’t wanted to kiss him again. A deep worry rooted itself in my gut.

Had I just made a terrible mistake?

I didn’t really have to think about my answer.