Jersey Girl (Sticks & Hearts #1) (22 page)

"Holy shit, you're so deep this way. God, it feels good. So, so good."

I grunt in agreement, unable to speak as I savor the connection we're sharing. I don't want to think about practice. Or classes. Or my parents' marriage. Hell, I don't care about food, water, or any of the other essentials we may need. I just want to stay here in this moment. I don't want to lose this feeling. Everything about her just feels so fucking perfect. We kiss with an intensity I haven't shared with anyone else. Our lips move in perfect unison, like we've been doing this forever, and it feels too good to stop. So I don't. Instead of breaking free, I devour her, claiming her mouth as my own as I grasp her hips and pound into her, over and over until we finally break for air and my name falls on a whisper from her trembling lips.

"Good morning." She gives me a lazy smile as I pull out and dispose of the condom.

"It is now," I growl, kissing the tip of her nose before heading to the bathroom. "Are you hungry?" I call out as I finish brushing my teeth.

"Starving. We should go back to that diner and get more French toast."

I walk back into the room to find her still in bed under the covers, and I get an idea. Smiling, I crawl my way up her body and snatch the blanket away before she has a chance to react. My fingers find the ticklish spots behind her knees and soon she's thrashing beneath me.

"No, no, no, please stop," she begs breathlessly. "Seriously, if you don't stop, I'll pee in your bed." I pull my hands back and take a moment to appreciate the vision lying beneath me. Her blond hair is fanned out around her face, and these insanely blue eyes stare back at me. I look at them and swear they can see right through me. She's naked, and her smooth skin is like a magnet for my mouth and hands. If we hadn't just had sex, or the fact my stomach won't stop growling, I'd bury my face between her legs and leave her with one final memory before we go back to the way we were before.

Damn, do I really want to give all of this up?

"I'll take you for French toast on one condition," I grin up at her mischievously and her brow lifts in question. "You share your sausage with me."

"Get your own sausage." She swats a hand at my head, but I'm too fast and duck away before she makes contact.

"Oh, come on. You don't even eat it, it just sits there all lonely and cold on your plate." I bend and retrieve her jeans before tossing them at her.

"Fine, you can have my sausage, but I'm getting extra whipped cream."

"You can have all the cream you want, any time, baby." I cup my hand over my cock, intending it to be a joke, but cringe as soon as the words leave my mouth and I see the pained look on her face. It's bad enough I gave in and broke every one of Scott's rules more than a few times; now I'm making crass remarks as if she's just another bunny passing through my bed. The fact I even allowed myself to speak to her that way reminds me I need to keep my feelings in check. My heart may be falling for her, but that doesn't mean I won't fight like hell to prevent it from happening. "You about ready?" My demeanor visibly shifts as I turn and grab my keys from the dresser. Before stepping into the hall, I crack the door and check to be sure no one is around to see us sneaking out together.

She doesn't say much on the way to breakfast, and what started out as a great morning seems to keep going downhill once we're seated. We manage to make small talk while eating, but it's clear something has shifted between us. This is exactly what I feared would happen. I'm not looking for a relationship. And I definitely don't know how to act around her now that we've had sex. When she's in my bed, or in my arms, that's when I'm at ease. That's where I don't question my actions. I know how to please a woman. But Vanessa had made it clear I had no fucking clue how to treat a woman. That may have been four years ago, but her words still ring in my head as if they've just been spoken.

When I finally drop her off in front of South Quad, I'm almost relieved to see her go. Maybe this is how it should be. I mean, I was afraid that things would get weird between us after sex, but it was bound to happen. We had a really good thing going, but we'd gotten greedy thinking we could go from one to the other without losing something along the way.

She reaches for the door handle and, being the stubborn ass I am, I'm about to let her walk away. Her parting glance is a mixture of confusion and disappointment. It messes with my already conflicted brain, and I know I can't let things end this way. Truth is, I don't want to give her up. I want it all. The friendship. The laughter. The sex. I know there may be something more buried beneath the surface, but I'm not ready to acknowledge that fact just yet.

I grab hold of her arm and stop her before the door fully opens. "Cassie, please wait. I'm sorry things got weird between us. I was hoping we could avoid all that shit and just fall back into you and me. You know, the way we were before."

She turns in her seat and closes her eyes before speaking in a soft voice. "I thought I could handle it. The sex, I mean. You gave me ample opportunity to walk away. But I just wanted to be with you so badly. It's all I've wanted since the morning we met. So I agreed because I knew if I said I couldn't handle it, you'd never ask me again. I wasn't ready to pass that up. Maybe if we would have stopped after last night, I might have been okay, but then this morning happened, and I don't know, I felt something between us and it scared me. I'm already thinking about the next time, only there isn't going to be a next time." I open my mouth to speak, but she lifts her hand to silence me. "It's okay, B. I knew the rules going in, but I'm tired of rules where you're concerned. I'm tired of pretending I don't want you. I enjoy being with you, and not just physically. You make me laugh, and you make me feel safe. I don't want to lose what we have, but at the same time I think I need time to think this through. Clearly, I don't always make the best decisions where you're concerned."

Hearing her words hurt more than I was expecting. While I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not ready to lose her either. The thought of not hearing her voice at night before I fall asleep makes my balls feel like they're stuck between two hockey sticks. As sick as it is, I've come to depend on her far more than I ever realized. Maybe even more than she depends on me. I want to tell her we can have it all. But I'm not sure I can give her what she wants. What she deserves from me.

I reach over and twine our fingers like I always do, and when she doesn't pull away, I have a glimmer of hope. "When you say time, how long are we talking? A day or two?" I probably sound pathetic, but right now, I don't care.

"Honestly, I'm not sure. Being with you makes me so happy, but it also makes me weak. I'm blinded by all of these feelings stirring inside me. I want a world with you that has no rules. I want to be able to kiss you whenever I feel like it and not worry about who may catch us. And to be honest, it scares the hell out of me that I'm feeling this way so soon, but you have that effect on me. You look at me and it's like I'm consumed in flames. The extinguisher is within my grasp, but I'm too scared to use it, because if I do, then all the good I'm feeling will disappear."

She stifles a sob and it kills me to see her hurting. My arms immediately reach out and pull her close, our lips pressing together for a fleeting kiss. "Oh, baby, I don't want to lose the good either. Fuck. This is exactly what I was afraid of. What can I do? Tell me anything, and I'll do it."

"I'm afraid I may be falling for you," her voice is barely a whisper, and my heart caves inside my chest, because she's asking for something I can't give. My whole heart. How can I give her my heart when it's already been shattered and all that's left are fragmented pieces that have been taped together?

"Anything but that," I bury my face in her neck, "I'm not capable of more, Cassie."

"Why not? I don't understand. Help me understand," she sobs

When I don't answer, she pulls back, putting distance between us. I want nothing more than to hold her tight and go back to where we were this morning. Back before my stupid fears got in the way. Back to the safety of my bed, where rules and codes and brotherhood cease to exist. Back to where it was just the two of us and all we cared about was making each other happy. But that's not going to happen, because at the end of the day, I'm the same selfish asshole who knew all the risks, yet still dove in headfirst. Right now, I'm caught in that place between my head and my heart, and I'm not sure which one to follow, but I know I need to make a choice or run the risk of choking on my own fears.

"I'm not sure where this leaves us, but I'll call you when I finally figure it out. Goodbye, B." And with that, she lets go of my hand, and I watch helplessly as she walks away. I remain in front of her building, hoping she'll turn around and wave one last time, but she doesn't.

As the large wooden door to South Quad closes, I realize I may have lost her, and right now, that's not something I want to deal with.

CASSIE

"Did you guys hear? Our boy, Maxwell has a secret crush on our resident stripper," Jonah announces as our heads turn to Maxwell for confirmation.

It's Wednesday evening, and several of us have gathered in the common area outside the room Jonah shares with Maxwell and three other guys. We started hanging at the beginning of the semester, but lately I've been a little preoccupied and have missed out on the last three weeks of gossip. Steve's over in the corner, taking pictures and posting them on Snapchat. I'm sharing an oversized beanbag with Roni. Jonah's on the loveseat, and Chloe's sitting on his lap. I had no idea they were an item, so it appears I have a lot to catch up on. And when I look over at Maxwell, he's leaning casually against the wall, but his eyes are shooting daggers in his roommate's direction.

"Get in line, buddy. Her performances are the talk of the frat house," Roni quips, and Maxwell visibly tenses.

"Yeah, he's been spending most of his free time at that club. He's even got a mason jar over his bed stuffed with singles," Jonah says teasingly.

"It's not a crush, asshole," Maxwell replies defensively. "I just enjoy checking out her tits. I mean, come on, have you seen them?"

"Can't say that I have," I answer dryly.

"Oh, fuck, she's packing the most gorgeous set of DD's I've ever seen. Her nipples are always standing at attention and I just want to bury my face in there and let my tongue go to town," he says dreamily, and it's obvious he's envisioning her rack now based on the size of the tent in his jeans.

Roni's jaw nearly hits the floor when she notices where my finger is pointing. "Holy shit, Maxwell. Who knew you were packing a gun of that caliber." Maxwell's face goes red, and he cups his hand over his sweatpants. It doesn't matter that she has a built-in booty call, now that she's noticed, it's all she can focus on.

"Speaking of big guns, I wanted to ask Cassie about her new romance. Tell me, are the rumors true?" Chloe waggles her eyebrows, and suddenly all eyes in the room are on me. I chew the inside of my cheek and shake my head.

"Sorry, I wouldn't know."

Jonah coughs into his hand, "Bullshit!"

"It's true. Nothing's happened between us, we just hang out and stuff," I flash my best smile and swallow the golf ball in my throat.

"Yeah, I know. It's the
stuff
I want to hear more about. Stacy Preston tells everyone he was the best lay she's ever had. That's why she's always hanging around the rink. She may wear other jerseys, but that's just to piss him off so he'll want her again," Chloe rambles, but I tune her out because I don't want to hear anymore. Despite B's claim that she was selfish in bed, the fact she was ever in bed with him pisses me off. I hated her before; I hate her even more now.

I go quiet as the topic shifts to the celebration party after last week's football victory. I'd been at the same party, but while they discuss who drank the most shots, my mind drifts to Brantley carrying me up to John's room. That's where everything had changed for me. I'd opened my mouth and poured out my soul. His offer hadn't been a relationship. It was an offer of sex, and I'd grabbed onto it without thinking twice. I'd known what I was agreeing to at the time, so why am I second-guessing that decision now? Of course, I'd like more than just sex, but I'm beginning to think Roni's booty call lifestyle may be the ticket to keeping your heart out of the equation.

Saying my goodbyes to the group, I walk back to our room and get ready for bed. As I settle beneath the blankets, I scroll through my social media pages. Ashley's posted numerous selfies on IG. Including one where she and Scott are in his bed. She's on her back with Scott's head between her legs, and it's posted with the hashtag #GLgoaliescoresbig. I know she only posted that to warn off the bunnies, because it's not her style to brag about the sex life she shares with my brother. Davis has several IG posts that show a party taking place at their apartment. I scan each image, trying to see if Brantley's hooked up with someone, namely Stacy, but he's always with a group of guys.

Then I come across Brantley's last post and my heart rate picks up. It's a picture of a bottle of tequila, with two shot glasses and a shaker of salt, and the caption reads
thinking of you tonight
with a lime wedge emoticon.

I know I wanted time apart, but I had no idea it would be this hard. We've been inseparable for the past three months; now the silence between us is deafening. Walking away had been a necessary step, and it's taken every ounce of strength I have not to contact him. I was scared. It's the only logical explanation for what I said in his truck. Scared of falling in love with him. Scared of losing him. Scared of needing him more than he needs me.

Fighting the urge to reply, I close my eyes and allow sleep to take me away.

***

"Ohmygod would you stop checking your phone? With all of that sighing you sound absolutely pitiful," Roni tosses a crumpled-up piece of paper at my head.