Jacob Two-Two on the High Seas (6 page)

“I do, Captain.”

“Don’t tell me, let me guess. Is it the bosun?”

“No, Captain.”

“Is it the cook?”

“No, Captain.”

“I know who it is! I know who it is!” Jacob said.

“You couldn’t possibly know,” said Captain Sparkletooth. “You’re going to say something ridiculous, like it’s Mr. Scrounger.”

“But it
is
Mr. Scrounger! It
is
Mr. Scrounger!”

The captain sighed. “Mr. Scrounger, tell Jacob that it isn’t you.”

“But it
is
me,” Mr. Scrounger said.

“Stop fooling around. This is serious,” said the captain.

“No, I mean it,” said Mr. Scrounger. “Hold on, I’ll prove it.”

Mr. Scrounger hurried away while everyone else stood waiting. Even Crossbones, who was muttering under his breath while he cleaned his nails with the tip of his sword. Mr. Scrounger appeared again, this time with the parrot on his shoulder and the black eye patch around his head.

“See! See! I’m a pirate, too. Don’t I look like one now? Say something, parrot,” he cried.

The parrot tilted its head, clacked its beak, and squawked, “
Pirates and pickles cost only a nickel! Pirates and pickles cost only a nickel!
”

“First of all,” said Crossbones, stepping up to Mr. Scrounger, “there can’t be two of us wearing
an eye patch. That would be preposterous, asinine, and a mockery – in other words, dumb. You take yours off.”

“Oh, rats,” said Mr. Scrounger. As he took the eye patch off, he thwacked himself on the ear.

“But why, Mr. Scrounger?” asked Captain Sparkle-tooth. “Why would you betray us? Especially when I am so much more handsome than he is!”

“I’ll tell you why,” answered Mr. Scrounger. “Because I’m tired of watching you comb your hair while you admire yourself in the mirror. I’m tired of taking
your
photograph. I want to be noticed for a change.”

“
I notice your feet smell! I notice your feet smell!
” squawked the parrot.

“Please get that bird to shut up,” said Crossbones. “We’ve got pirate work to do here.”

“No, you don’t,” said a commanding voice. Jacob recognized it immediately. He looked up, and in the ship’s rigging he saw none other than the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole, their shirts emblazoned with the words
Child Power
, their capes fluttering behind them.

“We thought our work was done,” said the fearless
O’Toole, “but it seems that we’ve got more cleaning up to do.”

Crossbones looked at them and shrugged. “Tie them up,” he said.

CHAPTER 10

acob Two-Two watched in horror as the pirates pulled the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole down from the rigging and tied their hands behind their backs.

“Mr. Scrounger,” called Crossbones, “take the wheel. Steer a course thirty degrees west. Make sure our own ship follows us.”

“Aye, aye, Crossbones,” said Mr. Scrounger, going to the wheelhouse.

“Where are we going? Where are we going?” asked Jacob.

Crossbones gave Jacob a nasty smile. “It is always
best to remove a nuisance,” he said. “I happen to know a most exquisite stretch of beach not far from here that I’m sure these two will enjoy. A shame it happens to be on a desert island.”

“A desert island? Without food and water? They’ll starve. They’ll starve.”

“Do you think I care? If I weren’t cruel and ruthless, I wouldn’t be called Crossbones, would I? I’d be called Henry or George. I just don’t know what they teach you in school these days.”

“I had an uncle named Henry,” said one of the pirates. “And an aunt named George.”

“Be quiet, you. I can see the island now. One drooping palm tree to keep them company. Send the two troublemakers down.”

Jacob watched in dismay as the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole were put into a lifeboat with one of the pirates and lowered to the water. The pirate rowed to a tiny island with a single palm tree and a single rock on it. He untied the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole, drew his sword, and forced them out of the boat. Once the Infamous Two were out of the boat, the pirate rowed back to the ship.

“Good luck to ya,” called Crossbones, laughing heartily. “All right, Mr. Scrounger, take us away.”

The ship began to move. As he looked down at the helpless duo, Jacob noticed one of the lower cabin windows opening. A canvas bag flew out the window and landed on the island. It opened up and out spilled bottles of water, boxes of crackers, chocolate bars, and other supplies. Through the window, a big, muscled arm appeared and gave the thumbs-up sign. It was Morgenbesser!

“Good old Morgenbesser,” Jacob whispered.

“Eh, what’s that? What are you mumbling?” asked Crossbones.

“Just that the morning couldn’t be better, couldn’t be better,” Jacob said.

“You are a mixed-up kid. It isn’t even morning. And things are going to get much worse. Captain Sparkletooth, hand over the treasure.”

“But I told you, we have no treasure,” the captain said. “We have a load of freeze-dried cottage cheese. We have seven barrels of prunes. But we don’t have any treasure on this ship.”

“Of course you do. Mr. Scrounger informed,
enlightened, and apprised me – that is, he told me so. Scrounger, get out here!”

Mr. Scrounger came out of the wheelhouse. The parrot squawked, “
I love to dance the tango! I love to dance the tango!
”

“You’ll be roasting in the oven if you don’t shut your beak,” said Crossbones. “Now, tell us about the treasure, Mr. Scrounger.”

“Walking about the ship, I heard somebody whispering. I don’t know who it was, but I know for certain that somebody is hiding treasure on this ship.”

Crossbones put his hand on the hilt of his sword. “We better get everyone here then. Pirates, unbar that door and let the other passengers up on deck.”

The pirates opened the door and the passengers filed out. “Jacob, are you alright?” cried his mother. His father rushed toward him too, followed by Daniel and Marfa.

Mrs. Snootcastle hurried up to Cindy. “All I can say is this shows some very bad manners,” said Mrs. Snootcastle.

“Everyone here?” said Crossbones. “Good. And now if the person who has the treasure will take one step forward, we can have all of this settled by dinnertime.”

CHAPTER 11

acob knew what they were thinking:
Who has the treasure?
Of course he knew. The treasure was in Cindy’s pocket. All she had to do was give it to Crossbones, and he and his dastardly pirates would put away their daggers and swords and sail away on their pirate ship.

Jacob looked over at Cindy. She stood by her mother, staring down at her shoes. She wasn’t going to tell the pirates about her treasure! Should he, Jacob Two-Two, do something? Should he tell the pirates? Jacob knew that the treasure must be precious to Cindy if she didn’t want to say anything.

How would he like it if somebody made him give up something he cared about? Jacob decided not to say anything.

At last, the eldest of the Bubov Brothers spoke. “We have the treasure.”

“Yes, we do,” said the middle brother.

“Definitely,” said the youngest.

“What is it?” asked Crossbones. “Is it gold? Is it silver? Rubies? Diamonds?”

“It’s our special no-slip acrobat shoes,” replied the eldest brother. “We couldn’t perform without them. We’ll give them to you.”

“I don’t want your old shoes,” said Crossbones. “And that isn’t treasure. Someone else must have it.”

“Alright, go ahead and tell them what the treasure is,” said Hector the ventriloquist dummy, rolling his eyes at Percy Swishbottom.

“No, I won’t,” said Percy.

“Don’t be a bigger dummy than me. Give it to them.”

“Fine.” Percy sighed. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small pamphlet. Jacob read the title:
How to Throw Your Voice and Amaze Your Friends
. “I mailed in a coupon from a comic book to get this.
It taught me how to be a ventriloquist. It’s the most valuable thing I have.”

“I don’t want to throw my voice, but I might throw your dummy overboard!” growled Crossbones.

“No problem,” said the dummy. “I float.”

“It is my turn to confess,” said Mr. Peabody. “I have the treasure. Here it is – my greatest invention ever!”

Mr. Peabody unfolded a large blueprint with a complex drawing of a large box covered in buttons, levers, and switches. Attached to the box by mechanical arms were a baseball bat, an umbrella, and a bicycle pump. Inside the box was an even more complicated series of wheels and belts and computer chips.

“What does it do?” asked one of the pirates.

“I don’t know yet,” Mr. Peabody admitted.

“Put your paper away,” snarled Crossbones. “It’s worthless.”

Jacob’s father took a step forward. “I don’t have a treasure on me, but I could make you one,” he said.

Crossbones squinted an eye at Jacob’s father. “What sort of treasure?”

“A book. I can write a book and make you the villain. People all over the world will read it and tremble at the very description of you.”

“Villain, you say? I like the sound of that.”

“Oh, put me in the book too!” cried Captain Sparkletooth. “I’m sure it would be greatly improved by your mentioning how handsome I am.”

“I admit, it’s tempting,” said Crossbones. “But it’s not good enough. What we want is treasure.
Real
treasure. Otherwise we wouldn’t be pirates. We’d be like regular people, who take baths and drink capuccinos.”

Mrs. Snootcastle sniffed. “I don’t know who has the treasure, but I know that person is certainly not someone with good breeding and manners. When I find out who it is, you can be sure that I will have nothing to do with that person again.”

Tears welled up in Cindy’s eyes. Jacob felt sorry for his friend. And he thought that his father and the others had shown real courage. He wanted to help too, but he couldn’t think of anything.

“I know what to do,” Crossbones sneered. “We’re going to have to resort to more drastic measures. Captain Sparkletooth, you are going to have to walk the plank!”

“
Oooohh
,” said the pirates.