It Had to Be You (16 page)

So much for a little probing. I felt so rough in the taxi on the way home I couldn’t recognise anything and kept asking the driver why he was taking such a strange route to Notting Hill. When he’d pulled up at the house I almost fell out of the cab and felt really sick.

‘
How much do I owe you,’ I’d slurred.

‘
Don’t worry love; the men took care of it. You just sleep it off.’

Bloody cheek, calling me love. I fumbled with the key while slumped against the door
cursing William the whole time.

‘
The arse has changed the lock,’ I mumbled, and then realised I was using my flat keys again. I stumble into the house and dash to the bathroom where I sit with my head over the bowl. Oh God, I swear I’m dying. I finally drag my reluctant body to the bedroom and search for my nightie. I bet that William Ellis has hidden it. I bet the little sod has been through my things.

‘
Just you wait William Ferret,’ I mutter.

Somehow that didn
’t sound right. I wish Oliver were here. He would tell me what to do. Why did he have to go and balance a ball on his bimbo? I blame Jesus. Why did he have to be born in the first place? We’d never have this Christmas malarkey if it weren’t for him. I tip my clothes out of the drawer to try and find my nightie. I grab the Ann Summers top I’d bought especially for Christmas night. With a little sob I fall onto the bed, clutching a photo of Oliver to my chest.

‘
I miss you so much Olly,’ I whisper as the room slowly spins.

Thankfully I fall asleep and then have the worst nightmare of my life. Oliver is trapped in a big glass box with two women balanced on his balls. His wrists and ankles are bound and he is begging me to help. I struggle to get into the box but I can
’t, and all around me are huge brown nipples. I turn to see William with an enormous axe and I scream.

‘
No William.’

‘
It’s the only way,’ he says calmly. ‘If we chop it off in the process it serves him right doesn’t it?’

‘
No,’ I scream, pushing him away. He shakes me and I feel like my head will fall off.

‘
We have to, it’s the only way.’

‘
Get off me,’ I scream.

My eyes open to find someone really is on top of me, or at least very close to me. Oh my God, a burglar. I open my mouth to call for William but nothing will come out. I
’m frozen with fear and my heart is pounding so fast I feel sure the burglar must be able to hear it too. Waves of nausea wash over me and my legs feel like lead. I fumble around the bedside cabinet knocking over a glass of water. I grab my hairspray, aim it at the burglar’s face and spray like a lunatic. He falls back groaning and I finally manage
to scream William’s name.

‘
Help, help,’ I scream, feeling my head thump unmercifully. ‘William please help me.’

‘
Well I would, if you hadn’t have blinded me. God, what was that?’

‘
William?’ I say.

My God, what is William doing in my bedroom? I click the light on and see William on the floor holding his hands to his eyes.

‘What are you doing in my room and more importantly, what were you doing on my bed? I’m calling the police, don’t move, I’m warning you,’ I say, my
body trembling.

‘
You were having a nightmare and screaming like a banshee. I came to see if you were okay. What the hell did you spray at me? I can’t see a thing. Was it special rape spray? I think you’ve blinded me.’

‘
You weren’t raping me?’ I say suspiciously, my hand now clutching my Blackberry.

‘
Don’t be ridiculous, if I’d wanted to rape you, I’d have done that the first night you were here wouldn’t I? What is that stuff?’

‘
L’Oreal hairspray,’ I say, jumping from the bed.

‘
Because I’m worth it?’ he says sarcastically.

I try to ignore his boxer pants. I rush to the bathroom
and soak a towel in cold water.

‘
Here,’ I say, handing it to him. ‘I’m so sorry. I thought you were a burglar.’

He takes the towel gratefully.

‘You’re lethal, do you know that? I only came in because I thought something was wrong.

I kneel beside him. Oh God, what if I have blinded him. He will no doubt sue me and that
’s all I need. He dabs the towel on his eyes and blinks.

‘
They don’t look too bad,’ I say. ‘Can you see?’ I ask hopefully.

Please don
’t let him be blind. He blinks a few times, looks at me and grins.

‘
Oh yes, I can see fine.’

I avoid his eyes and look down only to find myself looking at his crotch. Oh God, look up Binki, look up. He
’s wearing boxers and nothing else. God, he is hairy and nicely muscular. I look into his eyes and blush.

‘
Interesting nightie,’ he says, standing up.

I gasp and put my hand to my mouth. Oh shit, shit. I look down at my Ann Summers frilly negligee and see that the bloody thing has done exactly what it said on the tin.
A quick pull on the ribbon and all will be revealed.
It has done that all right and my tits are there for all to see and in particular, for William to see.

‘
Oh no,’ I gasp.

‘
He’ll love it,’ the assistant had said. ‘Just a little tug and it opens showing everything. If that doesn’t excite your man nothing will.’

Except this isn
’t my man and he is no doubt comparing them to Andrea’s perfect specimens.

‘
Oh God, I’m so embarrassed,’ I say.

‘
Don’t be, they’re certainly nothing to be embarrassed about,’ he smiles.

‘
It was a Christmas present for Oliver,’ I say. ‘Only he didn’t get to see it.’

‘
Oliver’s loss is my gain,’ he grins.

Why is he always so nice? It is so hard to detest him when he is like this. I don
’t even feel he is coming on to me.

‘
There is a chocolate nipple in the fridge,’ I say to cover my embarrassment.

He grins, his red eyes sparkling.

‘Won’t you join me?’

‘
I suppose I could have a penis,’ I say laughing.

‘
Meet you in the kitchen then.’

I watch him leave
and then bury my head in my hands. I must look such a sight. I pop back to the bathroom, cringe at my reflection and splash some water onto my face. I hear him filling the kettle and after
donning a dressing gown I join him in the kitchen.

‘
Hot chocolate?’ he asks, placing a chocolate penis and a couple of nipples onto a plate.

I giggle.

‘Coffee,’ I say.

‘
Yes you’re right, a much better accompaniment to a
penis.’

I hand him some eye drops.

‘I thought these may help.’

No matter what he wears or what gets sprayed in his face he still manages to look gorgeous.

‘You saw Muffy to the station then,’ I say, trying to sound casual while wondering if he kissed her, and wondering even more what it would be like if he kissed me.

‘
I dropped her off, yes.’

Well, that wasn
’t giving much away was it? He places two mugs of coffee onto the table and breaks the
penis in half.

‘
Half a
penis, or are you saving yourself for a nipple?’

‘
Well, I could try half a penis,
I’ve not had one yet,’ I giggle.

‘
You don’t know what you’re missing,’ he winks. ‘I suppose if you get this job in the sex shop we’ll be overcome with the things, perks of the job and all that.’

I nod.

‘Hang on a sec,’ he says
and disappears from the kitchen.

This is a bit disconcerting. One minute we are discussing chocolate penises and the perks of working in a sex shop, and then he has to go. Go where, and to do what exactly? Don
’t be ridiculous Binki, he probably needed the loo. Yes exactly, I rest my case. The door opens and I jump. He has changed into pyjama bottoms and a dressing gown, and no slippers thank God. Slippers were always an issue with Oliver and me. He always insisted on wearing slippers, not that I have a problem with slippers you understand. My dad wears slippers but it just seems all wrong for a 29-year-old man to wear them. William is holding a box. He hands it to me and says shyly,

‘
This is for you, happy birthday. I would have given it to you earlier but there wasn’t time.’

It
’s tied with a blue ribbon. I look up at him and he smiles.

‘
I thought blue was appropriate.’

I bite my lip and pull at the ribbon and open the box. Beneath layers of tissue paper are several pairs of white knickers, two pairs of lacy bras and the most gorgeous white camisole. I stare at them, struggling to find my voice.

‘But …’ I begin.

‘
I took the blue ones to the shop when you were out with Muffy. They’re all the right size and the camisole is silk,’ he says, all hint of his shyness gone now.

I finger the camisole.

‘I feel terrible,’ I say. ‘I didn’t mean for you to buy new ones. I feel so stupid for making such a fuss over the biscuits and then the stupid washing and …’

He waves a hand dismissively.

‘It’s nothing. I’m sorry for being an idiot with the shorts.’

Part of me can
’t help wondering when he found the time to buy them. Does this mean he didn’t spend very long with Andrea, or did he ask her to go with him? I cringe at the thought. That means she now knows my bra and knickers size. As long as he didn’t take Nathan with him, God, I’m not sure what would have been worse.

‘
Thank you,’ I say looking down. After all, buying a woman underwear is a pretty intimate thing and I barely know the guy. I place the lid
on the box.

‘
Muffy said Oliver is desperate to get you back,’ he says suddenly.

He studies my reaction. I grimace.

‘Well he can stay desperate.’

He bites his lip. It
’s the sexiest thing I have ever seen.

‘
Muffy said you’ve given up everything, your home and your job to come here. What if you find out the house wasn’t left to you?’

‘
It was left to me,’ I say sharply.

He shrugs.

‘We don’t have to be enemies you know,’ he says softly. ‘I’m not that ruthless. I’ve not changed the locks yet have I, and neither have you.’

I meet his eyes.

‘I wish I could trust you,’ I say biting into my half of the chocolate penis.

He does likewise and I feel an ache of longing in my loins. I
’m missing Oliver, that’s what it is. I stand up and place my mug in the sink and as I turn I find he is behind me. He leans across to put his mug with mine and our knees touch.

‘
Goodnight William,’ I say softly. ‘Thank you for the coffee.’

‘
Thank you for the nipples,’ he says quietly, leaning towards me and kissing me softly on the cheek.

I feel like telling him he can have my nipples any time.

‘Goodnight, sleep well,’ he whispers into my ear.

I turn my head and
his lips brush mine. He pulls away so quickly that I don’t have time to savour it. He mumbles sorry and leaves the kitchen and I’m still standing by the sink when I hear his bedroom door close. Did I imagine that? It was so quick. I take several
breaths to stop my heart from racing. We’ve both drunk too much I tell myself and then remember that William had hardly drunk anything. I slowly make my way upstairs. I stop on the landing and stare at his door. God, what am I thinking? I can’t possibly go in there. I close my eyes and remember his lips brushing mine and feel a tiny shudder of pleasure run through me. I go to my bedroom
and find two new pillows waiting for me on the bed.

‘So, I know someone who knows a private dick. I personally know a lot of public dicks but let’s not go there,’ says Luther taking a breath before blowing up a
Foxy Roxy
vibrating sex doll.

‘
Isn’t there a quicker way to do that?’ I say, watching her breasts slowly expand.

‘
It takes time to find the dirt on scumbags.’

‘
I meant Roxy. Isn’t there a pump or something you could use?’

‘
A pump? Honestly sweetie, you’ve become filthy since you started working here, you know that?’ he laughs. ‘You’d never think you’d been here only five days. Anyway, it would spoil my fun. This is the nearest I’ll ever get to blowing a woman and you want to spoil it for me?’

I change the DVD that has been playing for the past two hours and replace one set of tangled moaning bodies with a different set of tangled moaning bodies.

‘Doesn’t matter how often you change them darling, they’re all the same,’ sighs Luther.

I empty new stock out
of a box and stare at a battery-operated vagina.

‘
God,’ I say miserably.

‘
I’m sure it’s no substitute for the real thing darling, not that I’d know,’ puffs Luther as he disappears behind
Foxy Roxy. ‘So what kind of dirt are you hoping to dig up on this scumbag?’

‘
I don’t know if I
want to dig anything up,’ I say thoughtfully. ‘And I don’t know that he is a scumbag.’

It has been nearly two weeks since the almost kiss and William has acted like nothing out of the ordinary happened. I sometimes think he is too good to be true and this makes me even more suspicious. Well, you can
’t blame me can you?

‘
I know this guy;
he does a lot of undercover stuff. You want me to have a quiet word?’

I can
’t ask Muffy.
She thinks William is the best thing since sliced bread, or should I say Hovis, and won’t have a bad word said against him. I’m getting desperate to get this house thing sorted. My parents are dead keen to see the
cottage
and I haven’t had the heart to tell them that I inherited a gorgeous hunk along with it. Although I am sure my mother would be thrilled. I’ve got quite a few of my things in the cottage now so it feels a bit more homely. Oliver did as I asked and sent them to the post office. The sex shop pays okay but it isn’t exactly climbing the ladder is it? But what else can I do? Wart on the nose Ben Newman has well and truly finished my sales career at least for the time being. The thing is, I don’t know what I’ll do if William Ellis really does own Driftwood. I’ll never be able to rent anything on what I’m paid here.

‘
Well …’ I begin. I stop when the door opens.

‘
Yours,’ says Luther. ‘I’ve two more to blow yet, not to mention masking the dummies. You can deal with the wanking pervert. I’ll pop the kettle on.’

I turn to the customer and grasp the counter when I see the wanking pervert is none other than Oliver. I want to grab a whip from one of the mannequins and give him a good flogging. What an arse, he comes all the way to Hampstead Heath and the first place he goes to is a sex shop. I
’m finally seeing my once prospective fiancé for the wanking pervert that he is.

‘
Well you’re certainly showing your true colours,’ I snap while thinking how handsome he looks in his striped shirt and jeans.

‘
Dirty mags, or is it DVDs you’re after. Or maybe you’re just looking for a huge-nippled woman. There are plenty of adverts over there and most of them are quite cheap. Or is it dominant female bosses that take your fancy?’

‘
Muffy wouldn’t tell me where you lived so I came here to say …’

‘
Or perhaps you’re into something far kinkier now. Our BDSM shelves are over there and …’

‘
Muffy told me where you worked,’ he says bluntly. ‘I think you’re losing your mind.’

I see. He screws his boss on Christmas Eve and then wonders why his girlfriend is losing her mind. He stares at my name badge and shakes his head.

‘Binki, here to serve your sexual needs,’ he quotes despairingly. ‘Have you gone totally mad, and you’re calling me the pervert?’

‘
I wasn’t the one caught humping,’ I shout.

Luther rushes from the back and skids to a halt.

‘Difficult punter darling?’ he says glaring at Oliver. ‘We have security,’ he adds nervously. ‘Big burly black men.’

In fact the only security we have is a rusty panic button and for some reason Luther seems to thi
nk mentioning big burly black men is a good deterrent. Personally I think big black burly men are his fantasy.

‘
Christ,’ groans Oliver. ‘Big burly black men, surely that’s racist isn’t it?’

‘
No worse than being a sexist punk,’ says Luther with a bravado I know he is far from feeling.

‘
Luther, this is my boyfriend,’ I say.

‘
Ah, you’re the wanker who shagged the boss,’ says Luther, giving Oliver the once-over.

‘
I rather think that isn’t any of your business,’ snaps Oliver, pulling me to one side and knocking over a display of DVDs in the process. ‘Have you gone mad telling everyone our personal business?’

He looks down at the battery
-operated vagina.

‘
They’re on offer,’ I say stupidly.

‘
Jesus,’ he mumbles, picking up the DVDs and placing them neatly on the shelves while trying to ignore the pictures on the covers.

Luther heads towards him.

‘Do you want that one mate?’ he says pointing to the one Oliver is holding. ‘I can throw another in. Two for a tenner this week, double your pleasure. You get a free chocolate nipple too. All treats here. We’ve got one called
The Spanking Pirate-esses of the Caribbean.
Right up your creek so to speak,’ laughs Luther.

I cringe. Oliver
rolls his eyes before saying,

‘
Disgusting. I seriously don’t believe you shared our intimate secrets with a stranger.’

He
’s a bloody fine one to talk isn’t he?

‘
No more disgusting than screwing your boss in our bed,’ I say, tears welling up. ‘And Luther is my friend.’

‘
Your parents are appalled, you know that?’

‘
You told my parents I worked here?’ I say, stunned.

God, that
’s likely to give my dad a stroke. That’s about right isn’t it, both my parents collapsing after hearing their daughter is working in a sex shop. To them it’s like selling my body. I’ll get the blame of course, not Oliver. If he hadn’t have been at it in the first place I wouldn’t be here. Well, I suppose Ben Newman is to blame really. If he hadn’t have tried to get me over the desk I wouldn’t have left early, and Oliver wouldn’t have been caught, and I wouldn’t be working in a sex shop and consequently my parents wouldn’t be wheeled off to A&E with my dad suffering a stroke all because their daughter is working in a porno store. This whole thing gets worse by the day doesn’t it? How could Oliver even consider telling my parents? He’s the one who’s gone mad.

‘
They’re on special offer actually,’ quips Luther. ‘All our pirate ones that is, they don’t sell that well.’

I glare at him. This is a disaster, a complete disaster.

‘We’re all worried about you,’ says Oliver. ‘Muffy said you’re becoming obsessed about Aunty Vera’s cottage.’

Thanks a lot Muffy.

‘And that you’re sharing it with some guy called William,’ says Oliver. ‘I’m not happy about that.’

Huh, like it is anything to do with him. I wasn
’t too thrilled about you sharing our bed with Miss Brown Nipples either. I bite my lip to stop myself saying anything.

‘
There’s nothing you can do until the solicitors get it sorted so why don’t you come home. I’m sorry about everything Binki.’

‘
So you should be,’ pipes up Luther. ‘I mean come on dude, doing it in your own bed, that’s a bit crass.’

‘
And what business is it of yours,’ snaps Oliver. ‘Christ, it comes to something when I get given advice from a pissing sex-shop assistant.’

What a rude bugger.

‘I’m a sex-shop assistant, if you don’t mind,’ I say. ‘What are you doing here Oliver?’

Oliver takes my hand whipping up a multitude of emotions within me. Somewhere in the back of my mind is a little voice whispering
give in, give in
. It would be so much easier to pack up and go home and continue my comfortable life with Oliver. It wouldn’t take long to find a job. In fact maybe Oliver would now go and punch Ben Newman’s lights out. It would be such a relief to forget about William and whether he is up to something fishy, and not have to watch porno films all day. Not that I watch porn all day, obviously I do a lot more than that, but it would be nice not to have to listen to other people at it, especially as I am never at it myself. Oh the temptation to give in.

‘
Binki, I want you to know I am very sorry,’ he says raising his voice above the loud moaning of an orgasmic woman.

‘
Hold on a sec,’ says Luther. ‘I’ll just turn her down a bit.’

I
’ve got a bad feeling about this. Oliver sighs and we wait until the orgasmic woman finishes her moment of ecstasy.

‘
And, well the thing is …’ Oliver says.

‘
Go on,’ eggs Luther while I am silently pleading for him not to do so.

‘
The thing is,’ continues Oliver, ‘I love you and I miss you and, and …’

Oh God.

‘Binki, will you marry me?’ he finishes, producing a single solitaire set in a white gold band.

Oh my God, he
’s done it. He’s only gone and proposed to me in the middle of a sex shop. This seriously could only happen to me.

‘
Oh babe, I’ve been well and truly screwed,’ says the horny woman in the movie.

You and me both, I couldn
’t agree with her more.