It Had to Be You (14 page)

‘
You look lopsided, like someone who has had a stroke, except your face looks normal,’ he says blandly.

‘
I’ve got a crick in my neck,’ I say. ‘It’s those awful pillows.’

He sits down to join the builders at the table.

‘Ah well, I would swap with you …’

‘
You would?’ I say happily.

‘
Except, I also found them too hard, which is why I chucked them in the spare room.’

And there was me thinking he was going to be nice and offer
his. I open the packet of digestives and stare
at them.
Right, if the bugger thinks he can steal my biscuits he can think again. Honestly, he is the one with the high-powered job. I begin counting the biscuits aloud. As I thought, there are two short.

‘
You’ve had two of my biscuits,’ I say accusingly, holding up the packet.

He shakes his head.

‘I’ve not been near your biscuits or your chocolate pot,’ he says dismissively, tapping into his phone.

‘
Teapot,’ I correct. ‘And yes you have, because I had eleven biscuits left and now there are only nine.’

‘
Oh no, call Special Branch. There are two chocolate biscuits missing. Seal the exits, nobody leave the cottage,’ he says mockingly.

‘
Don’t laugh at me,’ I thunder. ‘It’s all right for you isn’t it? With your high-powered job and bulging bank balance, while I’m living off my wedding savings …’ I stop as I feel tears brimming behind my eyelids. It’s not fair. Why did Oliver do this to me? He’s given me this crick in my neck. I can never sleep on my old fluffy soft pillow again can I? Not if her perfumed hair has been on it. I don’t care if he washed the pillow case. The scent of her will always be in that bed won’t it. I hate him. I hate all men and I hate William Ellis even more. How dare he steal the little I’ve got?

‘
Well, we’ll be off then Mrs Ellis’, chirps Andy. As difficult as it must be to tear himself away from the drama I assume he has had enough entertainment for the time being. At last they leave, but not before one of them bends down to pick up his tool kit, exposing his builder’s bum crack from his loosely fitting jeans in the process. I jump up from the table and throw my dirty laundry in the washing machine.

‘
I’ll leave you to your biscuit investigation,’ says William. ‘I would help but personally I’ve got far more interesting things to do. I’ve got an important meeting with Nathan in town today. And before you nag, I haven’t forgotten it’s on the rota for me to empty the bins.’

Before I can reply he has left the kitchen and I hear him running upstairs. I flop onto
a
chair and take a
breath. He’s quite right of course; it is only a couple of biscuits. I never used to be this mean and hateful. I fight back my tears. I must try and be more positive. After all, things aren’t that bad are they? They could be a lot worse. I could be without a home altogether and still living with Muffy. Not that much has changed of course, except I own the house I am sharing, at least I hope I own it. Oh God, what if it turns out that William is the real owner? What will I do then? No I must not think about that. Aunty Vera most certainly left it to me. I sip my coffee and look at the washing tumbling in the machine. Even if she did leave it to William surely he wouldn’t just throw me out would he? One day at a time, Binki, one day at a time, it is the only way. My eyes focus on the washing as it dawns on me that everything looks blue, that can’t be right can it? I definitely put my whites in. I peer closer at the suds in the machine, finally crawling towards it and watching it as it tumbles my washing around. My God, everything is bollocking blue. Panicking I turn the stupid thing off and wait the agonising thirty seconds before the automatic lock clicks and I can pull out all my white underwear, except it’s not pissing white any more is it? It’s all sodding blue. Absolutely everything is blue from my white frilly knickers to my lacy bra. Oh no, my new silky white camisole is blue. I stare stunned for a few seconds and then scatter them around me, my tears dropping onto my knickers. I can’t take any more, I really can’t. It is then I see it, a dark pair of running shorts. His running shorts. It isn’t even his washing day and his running shorts are in the washing machine. I tear upstairs like a demented witch, waving my wet blue underwear in the air as I go. We collide on the stairs and he looks at me wide-eyed.

‘
I take it there must be a good reason you’re waving your knickers at me,’ he says casually walking past me. ‘Don’t tell me a pair of those has gone missing too. I can assure you I don’t have them.’

He
’s wearing a pale blue shirt and tie. Even in my anger I can’t help noticing how sexy he looks.

‘
Everything is blue,’ I say, barely able to contain my anger. ‘All my washing is blue.’

‘
Well, that’s nice isn’t it,’ he says in a disinterested tone.

I swear it is a good thing I
’m not near the cutlery drawer right now.

‘
This is why all my white undies are blue,’ I say through gritted teeth, holding up his blue shorts.

He pulls a face before putting on his jacket.

‘Ah, I see.’

I feel all the anger drain out of me and feel suddenly exhausted.

‘My fault, I forgot all about you,’ he says.

I raise my eyebrows and he shakes his head.

‘Not forgot about you literally, but just forgot that you were using the machine too. I tend to throw things in as and when.’

His phone rings and I sigh. Bloody Nathan.

‘Oh Andrea hi, no it’s fine.’

He turns his back on me and I feel invisible.

‘I’ve a meeting with Nathan but I can meet you before, no problem,’ he says softly. I notice his tone changes when talking to her and I feel myself grow envious. I don’t remember Oliver ever talking to me like that. He said he loved me and everything but he never spoke to me with a soft caring tone like that. He hangs up and turns to me.

‘
I’m really sorry. Let me know what the damage is and I’ll sort it out with you later and happy birthday by the way.’

He hands me a card and walks to the front door. I turn back to the kitchen to my blue washing and the muddy kitchen floor. And there was me thinking things couldn
’t get any worse.

I push through the doorway of the sex shop dragging Muffy with me. The stuffy dark interior takes me by surprise and I wait for my eyes to adjust. Muffy looks around and nudges me in the ribs.

‘
What are we doing here? I thought you said you were taking me for coffee.’

‘
I am, after,’ I whisper.

‘
After what?’ she asks clasping my arm tightly. ‘I’m not being funny Binki, but they do have these in Notting Hill you know. If I’d really wanted …’

‘
Hello girls,’ waves a camp man from behind the grimy till. He is wearing a tight-fitting cropped top and a long hooped earring with a skull hanging from it.

‘
Don’t be shy,’ he smiles.

‘
This is seedier than Soho,’ Muffy grumbles. ‘I thought Hampstead Heath was a nice place, if you ask me it’s a bit like Skegness with sleaze. We’ll be eating greasy fish and chips on a bench opposite Hampstead Heath ponds next, and consorting with the local punks.’

‘
Is it a strap on you ladies are looking for? In the mood for a bit of excitement are we? We have some fab ones that have just arrived.’

He holds up a black strap on dildo and I think Muffy may faint.

‘Oh Jesus,’ she groans. ‘I wouldn’t let you near me with one of those.’

I sigh.

‘Muffy, we don’t have that kind of relationship.’

‘
As long as you’re very clear on that,’ she says flicking through the DVDs.

I stare fascinated at the leather outfits and pink wigs.

‘I’m broke,’ I say.

‘
I don’t get the connection. Do you think if you become multi-orgasmic, it will help things?’

‘
I need to do something. I need money. I’ve broken into my wedding savings.’

‘
You won’t make much having a sex party,’ she says, glancing through a porno mag.

‘
How about the lipstick vibrator,’ offers the man, ‘no one need ever know? Just pop it into your handbag, small enough for those secret moments.’

Muffy sighs.

‘You don’t give up do you? Thanks but no thanks. Those things get stuck.’

I gape at her
.

‘
Stuck? You never told me that.’

‘
I had to use salad tongs, so now you know. Avoid secret moments is my advice.’

‘
Ooh salad tongs,’ grins the assistant. ‘Maybe we should start stocking those.’

‘
I’m an expert with knuckledusters too,’ says Muffy, examining a mask.

I smile at the assistant and thank God the place is empty.

‘I need to do something for money,’ I say.

‘
I wouldn’t say that too loudly in here doll,’ says the assistant.

Muffy gasps.

‘You’re not thinking of … Oh cock it Binki.
I know with your name it would look good but …’

What is she talking about? I cock my head.

‘But, well look what happened to Linda Lovelace,’ she finishes.

‘
I’ve got one copy of
Deep Throat
left if that’s your fancy?’ he says reaching under the counter.

‘
Oh do shut up,’ Muffy snaps.

‘
Do I look like the next
Deep Throat
starlet to you?’ I say exasperated.

‘
I was just seeing things like
Binki Rides Again
or
Binki Swallows It All.

We giggle and Muffy crosses her legs.

‘God I need to pee,’ she chuckles.

‘
I’m enquiring about the sales assistant position,’ I say to the shop assistant.

He disappointingly puts the video away.

‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ says Muffy. ‘Christ, you’ll be turning tricks next.’

‘
Oh right,’ says the assistant brightening. ‘Well it’s four afternoons a week. Two until seven. You want the forms? You’ll most likely get it,’ he says handing me a sheet of paper.

‘
Do you think so?’ I say, feeling flattered.

‘
Yeah, seeing as
no one else has applied. Here, have a chocolate penis, on the house. Want a bag of them? The sell-by-date’s gone so you can have the lot and a bag of chocolate nipples too. Good luck, I need a break. I’m bloody dreaming of dildos.’

‘
Christ,’ groans Muffy as she knocks over a display of whips and floggers.

‘
Live locally do you? Only I don’t recognise you.’

‘
She owns a cottage named Driftwood,
’
pipes up Muffy.

I thank him and pull her out of the shop.

‘You can’t work there,’ she says, sucking on a penis.

‘
I may have to, there is nothing else and I soon won’t have any money. Do you have to lick that in public?’ I say shaking my head and dropping the chocolates into my bag. I never say no to chocolate, penis or otherwise.

‘
Sorry,’ she smiles. ‘Are you seriously broke?’

I nod ushering her into the
pub. I still hadn’t told anyone apart from Muffy about William. She had agreed to dig up the dirt on him. Mr Hayden had been as good as useless when it came to getting things sorted.

‘
We’re looking into things Miss Grayson but these things take time.’

‘
Can’t I just throw him out? He isn’t family or anything. The thing is I need to sell the cottage.’

He
’d chewed on his pipe and mumbled,

‘
I don’t know how it happened. It’s never happened before but it seems Mr Ellis was left the house too. I assure you, as soon as we have news Miss Grayson we will be in touch.’

The thing is I am already becoming attached to
Driftwood
and the thought of leaving it makes me miserable. I’m also getting used to William. I don’t trust him mind you, but I’m getting used to him.

‘
Surely all you need is something unsavoury about him,’ Muffy had suggested on the phone. ‘You know, like in business. Then you could query his relationship with your aunt. I can’t believe she left the house to him. I mean, why would she?’

I wait
for her to show me the dirt on William. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to throw the guy out but what else can I do?

She sips her coffee thoughtfully and pulls several packages from a carrier bag.

‘Your mum’s present,’ she says smiling. ‘And I bought you this.’

I open the blue envelope to find two tickets to Ronnie Scott
’s jazz club.

‘
Oh Muffy,’ I say, overwhelmed.

‘
Well, you said Oliver would never go with you and if you can’t go with your mate to a jazz club on her thirtieth, when can you. It’s in about six weeks’ time. I couldn’t get them for any earlier, but it’s one of your favourite artists.’

‘
Oh that’s great Muffy,’ I say hugging her.

She lowers her eyes to the carrier bag and says.

‘Oliver wanted me to give you this.’

She pulls a pink tissue wrapped gift from her bag.

‘I think it’s a Tiffany,’ she says, scrunching her hair into a bun.

‘
You think?’ I ask.

‘
I peeked. It is a Tiffany, okay?’

‘
God, everyone is doing well but me,’ I moan.

‘
You got a Tiffany, be grateful. I think it is rather sweet of him seeing as you never talk to him.’

Bloody hell, what
’s happened to Muffy? I thought she was all up with the Hovis and off with men’s heads.

‘
You’ve changed your tune. You always said he was a little shit. What happened to down with men and up with the good things in life,’ I say cynically.

‘
Yeah well, Hovis doesn’t buy you Tiffany bracelets does it? Anyway all men are little shits deep down. But I mean, look at you. You’ve gone downhill since you broke up with Oliver. You haven’t even done your nails and when did you last shave and give yourself a face pack?’

Oh
God, she’s quite right of course. I’ve barely done anything since I’ve been at the cottage. I’ve been that depressed.

‘
It’s all the stress. I’m constantly on edge in case he tries to change the locks or sell the house from under me. I daren’t relax. You can be sure the minute I do he’ll do something. So what’s the dirt on him,’ I ask eagerly.

‘
Ah yes, that’s just it. There isn’t any,’ she says shrugging and handing me a folder.

I gape at her.

‘There must be something,’ I say pleadingly. ‘Hasn’t he done time or something? He’s loaded you know, he’s got a Lamborghini,’ I say, making it sound like he has a nasty disease.

She rolls her eyes.

‘Well yes, he’s done time in France and a few other countries. Holidays I presume.’

‘
You know what I mean.’

She shakes her head.

‘Nope, nothing like that. He’s owned his own company for about fifteen years. He’s very successful. All his deals are above board. He did invest money for your aunt but all legal. He was engaged for six months to someone called …

‘
Andrea,’ I say flicking through the papers.

‘
Yep, how did you know?’

‘
I met her. It was awful so don’t even go there. He still fancies her,’ I say handing the info back to her.

‘
You sound jealous,’ she probes, looking at me over her coffee cup.

‘
Huh, I don’t think so. I’m off men remember?’ I laugh.

‘
Well that’s it. He’s lived in London most of his life. He owns an apartment in Knightsbridge, the same block as your aunt so I guess that’s how they met. His accountant and advisor is a Nathan Richards, a bit of a prick by all accounts but I didn’t look into him too much. Oh and William Ellis owns a house in France too. No dirt I’m afraid. Geoff says you just need to sit it out. The chances are the house was left to you anyway.’

I feel quite sure it was. I just don
’t understand why William is so stubborn about the whole thing. It’s as obvious as a wart on your nose isn’t it? Oh God, why did I think that?

‘
And how is Ben Newman?’ I say, voicing my thoughts.

‘
Aren’t you going to open that present?’ she asks, her hands twitching.

I rip at the tissue paper to reveal a small white Tiffany box. I lift the lid and we both stare at the small charm bracelet.

‘Ooh it’s gorgeous,’ she says with a sigh.

I push it towards her and open the card. A bright pink heart sparkles at me. It flickers like a Christmas tree decoration. I open the card and Tina Turner
’s
You’re Simply The Best
screams at me.

‘
I love you Binki and I would forgive you anything,’ I read aloud. ‘Please forgive me for one stupid indiscretion. Happy thirtieth birthday
.’

I scoff and slam it shut.

‘I hate Tina Turner,’ I say aggressively. ‘And I hate being thirty.’

She fiddles with the bracelet.

‘He’s very forgiving Binki,’ she says clipping it around my wrist.

‘
He’s nothing to forgive. I wasn’t the one doing the screwing.’

She looks uncomfortable.

‘Can we go to the house? I’m dying to see it. I also want to meet this William.’

I
’ve known Muffy for years. The only time I know her to fidget like she has ants in her knickers is when she has them on back to front or when she is holding something back from me.

‘
Are your pants on back to front,’ I ask sharply.

‘
Of course not,’ she says, blushing.

‘
Right,’ I say.

‘
Right,’ she repeats.

There is a few seconds of silence and then she says,

‘Ben Newman is telling anyone that will listen that you had an affair with him. A real steamy romp, sex on the office floor and all that …’

I stare at her. The office floor? If anyone even took two minutes to look at the state of the office floor they would know damn well that no one is going to do it there.

‘All that?’ I repeat.

‘
Over the desk, on his chair, seems you were happy to do it anywhere. You were hanging from the light fittings according to Ben Newman. I’m surprised I didn’t see you dangling from an open window with your bum hanging out when I passed at lunch time.’