Intimate Equations (12 page)

*****

The next day it did not rain but Portland was shrouded
in a thick mist caught on the mountain slopes to the west. With some effort
Jules forced herself to get out of bed. She hadn't slept much and she hadn't
eaten at all. She had buried herself in lecture preparations and grading
instructions for her TA well into the night. She shuffled to the kitchen to
make coffee then she hit the shower. Noting the time, she dressed in a rush and
hurried back to the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal and gulp down the coffee
which sat waiting. Looking for the milk in the fridge Jules noticed the note
stuck under the magnet. She lifted it out and opened the little piece of paper.
It was from Cora.

Dearest Jules,

I didn't want to wake you. Please know that
I will talk to Sam. I can't imagine anyone better for my little brother than
you. I can see that he is head over heels. You two are perfect for each other.
He will get over this little surprise; don't worry too much.

I hope that someday you can forgive me for
the pain I caused you. Hurting you is something I will regret my whole life.
Thank you for offering your heart to me. I’m a fool & it's my loss.

I want you and Sam to be happy. You both
deserve it and I will not stand in the way. Whatever I can do to help please
know I will be there. The truth is: I love you both.

Always your friend,

Cora

Jules paused at the end and read the lines again. Then
she folded the slip of paper, opened the silverware drawer and pushed it
underneath the tray. She stood for a moment and sighed.

I hope she's right about Sam.

Jules went out the door a little more hopeful. Perhaps
they could clear all this up today. Maybe she could find time to talk to Sam
this afternoon. Encouraged by Cora's note Jules hurried to campus.

But Sam neither showed up for class nor called her cell
all day. In fact, she didn't see Sam all week. Jules tried to ring his phone
several times but he never answered. She struggled through the days with effort
hoping that any moment he might call and release her from this terrible
anxiety. By Friday she was desolate.

The one thing Jules did excel at was perseverance. When
Sam didn't appear for lectures on Friday she already had a plan in place; a
desperate plan but it was the only one she could think of other than hunting
Sam down. No, she would not pursue him but she had to talk to someone. She got
in the car and drove to the rehabilitation clinic in Creston which Cora had
entered several weeks prior. Hopefully Cora would be able to shed some light
into the darkness and Cora was the only one who Jules felt she could safely
confide in. Cora knew all the players involved since she happened to be one of
them.

It was about a ninety minute drive south on I-5. Jules
arrived at the rehab center which was a big, old house on the edge of Creston
situated back from the road in a magnificent grove of white oak and pine trees.
Jules had to wait at the front desk for about ten minutes before Cora showed up
genuinely surprised to see her.

“
Jules, how great to see you. I wasn't
expecting visitors this weekend.” Cora embraced Jules and led her by the hand
down a short hallway through a seating area and outside to the veranda. They
chose a table near the overlook which provided a full view of the valley now
leafed out in all its coastal greenery. Bright pastel orchids and the usual red
geraniums bloomed in hanging baskets all over the place. It was a cheerful
spot.

“
This is not at all how what I expected;
it's nice.” Jules said admiring the flowers and the tiled patio.

“
Well, I wouldn't check myself into a
hell-hole, Jules. It's supposed to be a place of healing and provide
opportunity for quiet introspection.” Cora said this with a slight smirk on her
face.

“
It's a homey atmosphere. Cora, I'm sorry
you've been having so much trouble. You
seem
like you are doing well.”

Cora shrugged her shoulders. “I'm okay; doing better
every day. Hey, I'm sorry again about last weekend. I haven't heard from Sam.
How's it going? I figured you two were cozied up somewhere.”

“Um
, I haven't heard from him either. I
was hoping you could shed some light on that.” Jules tried to play it cool.

“
Oh... Really? That surprises me. He hasn't
tried to call?”

Jules shook her head no. “He was pretty freaked, Cora.”
She gave Cora a stern look and wouldn't break her gaze until Cora did.

“
God, I didn't anticipate he would react
that way.”

Cora scrunched up here face; she seemed upset with the
news about Sam's silence.

“Looks like I screwed up again. It seems to be a habit
with me where you are concerned. I did talk to him, Jules. I can't say what
he's thinking. I'm really am so sorry.” There was a long pause. Cora chewed on
her lip and seemed to be considering their options. She continued to think out
loud.

“
Sam prefers to think things to death
sometimes, especially when it involves irrational feelings. He goes into a type
of emotional stupor until things make sense. I've seen him do that on occasion.
I'm not happy he hasn't been in touch; yet it isn't out of character for him.
Jules, it's not like Sam to just walk away. He'll be in touch soon, I promise.”

Cora peered at Jules from across the table. “You are a
sight for sore eyes, girl. I'm so glad you are here. Hey, I’m dying for a
decent cup of Joe. The stuff here tastes like motor oil. Let's bolt this joint
for a few. I know a great little coffee shop in town you would appreciate. Come
on.” Cora jumped up and headed inside.

“
Are you allowed to do that?” Jules
attempted to catch up to her.

“
This isn't a prison, Jules. As long as I
check out and don't have any sessions scheduled I’m free. And, I have to pass
detox, but I don't think they test for caffeine. Maybe they should. Can we take
your car? Mine is low on gas.”

“
Sure.” Jules wasn't sure about leaving with
Cora but they were only going to the coffee shop in town. Cora checked out at
the main desk and they headed for Jules' car in the parking lot.

“
Take a right on Mullan Road. It's just on
the left as we come into town. It's called
Black Brew Bistro
.”

Jules found the place and pulled up in front. “This is
on me.” Cora said.

“
Cora, no it's okay. You must be pretty
strapped right now, not being able to work.”

“
No, I'm doing fine that way. I've had a
good job the last few years.”

Jules and Cora found a cozy table right away since the
bistro was not busy. The thick smell of freshly roasted beans permeated the
wood-work, the window dressings, everything.

“
Where have you been working?”

“
I've been teaching Math at an academy for
boys in Tucson. It's a boarding school funded by private donors. They mostly accept
gifted students from low income backgrounds, but they will take anyone who can
pull the grades. It's a great job and the director is very supportive, but...”
Cora trailed off as the waitress brought their coffees. She set down a mocha
for Cora and an Americano for Jules.

When the waitress had gone Cora stirred another dash of
cream into her mocha. “So yeah, I guess you know I've always had a propensity
to drink more than I should. The last year or so it's become a problem. I've
had a number of failed relationships...”

Cora paused to steal a look at Jules, watching her
reaction. “The drinking hasn't affected my job performance so much but my
personal life sucks. I've never addressed my issues; I've had major problems
with depression. So, as soon as the term was done I checked myself into Rehab.
The director gave me leave of absence until fall. I'll probably be here most of
the summer. Sam helped me put all my stuff in storage.”

Cora had been tracing the lines on the table while she
talked. She looked up at Jules with a softness Jules did not expect. Cora had
been more honest and open with her now than she had been the whole time they
were a couple. Her heart hurt for Cora. She wanted to take her in her arms.

She reached across the table and touched her arm. “You
did the right thing, Cora. I think you are going to be fine. It's going to be
alright.”

“
I wish I could be sure of that, honey. I
still have a ways to go.”

“
You and me both.” Jules said.

Cora and Jules sat talking in the Bistro until it
closed. The women had a lot of catching up to do. Cora asked Jules lots of
questions about her time at grad school and her position at the Tech. Jules
felt easy and comfortable with Cora. They even managed to laugh a little. It
was like old times except for the worry of Sam hanging over their heads.

“
Have you heard about the new applied
sciences program coming out of Yale? You should check that out, Cora. You need
to finish your masters. This would be a wonderful opportunity if you apply.
They are doing some exciting things.” Jules was all about people pursuing and
achieving their goals. She wanted to Cora to succeed because she herself
couldn't tolerate the concept of being intellectually unfulfilled.

“
Yeah, I know. I don't have that much to
finish; I just need to write my thesis but somehow I can't seem to get back
into the game. I'm not sure I'm cut out for academia, Jules. I'm not as focused
as you are.”

“
Promise me you will think about it. I will
send you some materials.”

Cora laughed. “Here I am pushing thirty and I'm still
trying to figure things out. I sure thought I'd have a lot more answers by now.
You remind of the sisters at St. Xavier when I was sixteen except you are less
cranky and much, much prettier.”

Jules smiled and blushed a little. She saw the waitress
tap her foot at them; she was impatient to close up shop.

 “We should go.” Jules said.

It was getting dark when Jules drove Cora back to the
clinic. Before Jules left for home Cora tried to call Sam's phone but with no
luck.

Cora gave up and shook her head. “Just give him some
more time. Sam is his own man; he has to figure it out alone. Be patient.”

Jules said goodbye and embraced Cora warmly. Cora held
her and stroked her hair. “Keep in touch, okay? Let me know how it's going?”

Cora caressed Jules' face with two fingers from her
temple to her chin. “Thanks for coming to see me, Jules.”

As Jules drove away and headed back to Portland she
smiled to herself. “You just never know where life is going to take you.”

The rest of the weekend was uneventful. Jules went for
a bike ride. She hung out on her porch reading. She corrected homework. She
listened to music but kept it turned low. She watched her phone and driveway
for signs of life. She hoped and waited.

As time elapsed the hope she had felt on Friday night
as she drove back from Creston evaporated. Perhaps Cora had underestimated
Sam's reaction. The whole thing was a lot to absorb. Maybe he couldn't deal
with the idea that she and Cora had once been a couple. She shook her head as
she stared out her living room window.

“I should have been more careful. I probably never
should have gotten involved. Maybe Cora doesn't know her brother as well as she
thought. Maybe I'm a fool.”

Chapter Eleven: Darkness in Tight Places

Sam watched the sky from the edge of a client's yard
where he was planting perennials along the border of her lawn. Great dark
clouds gathered in the south. It was not looking pretty for later that day. He
tried to move faster but his arms and legs wouldn't seem to cooperate. It had
been difficult to get up and go to work the past week.

I thought I'd have a clear head by now but
I still can't think straight. I should call her. This has gone on long enough.
I can't decide who to be mad at. Maybe I'm angry with myself.

The longer Sam waited to call Jules the more complex
his predicament seemed, like a great knot of rope washed up on the beach after
being tossed for weeks by the salty tide. Sam stabbed fiercely with the trowel
into the dirt where his client wanted Delphiniums planted.

The black, loamy soil fell from his fingers when he
crumbled it in his hands. “I wish women were as simple to understand as
planting a flower. I thought I knew what made her tick but now I'm not so
sure.”

Sam glanced at his watch. He could still make it to
modern physics if he finished transplanting this bed in an hour. Sam gritted
his teeth fighting with the contradictory forces creating a storm in his brain.
Cora was right, this wasn't Jules' fault but he still didn't know how to quiet
the turmoil he felt.

No matter what, I've got to do something. I
can't stand being indecisive. I just need to get up and take a step –
somewhere. Then what ever happens - happens.