Intimate Equations (5 page)

She glanced around the room with a terrified look as if
someone watched from the theater. The room was empty and silent now except for
their ragged breath. She sprung backwards and around him, headed for the door
adjusting her skirt as she hurried, pushed the heavy door open and disappeared
into the hallway. Sam watched her rush past him and fell back against the
whiteboard, panting. He called out to her “Jules!” but she was gone.

Chapter Four: The Room

Jules took refuge in ladies bathroom. She leaned
forward against the wash counter gasping for breath; keeping her face down so
as not to catch sight of herself in the mirror. She turned around avoiding her
own reflection, steadying herself with hands behind clutching the counter-top,
taking in great gasps of air. The hot water faucet on the far end of the
counter dripped. It dripped water and didn't stop. The faucet was directly
attached to her brain and water was falling into her drop by painful drop like
some sick method of mental torture. She lunged for the fixture and gave it
violent twist. She felt ill and turned on the cold water hard. Bending down she
scooped the rushing water up and splashed her hot face.

Oh my God, oh my God!
Her
thoughts sped out of control.
What if someone saw us?

She took great gulps of cold water, drinking until the
panic subsided. She grabbed a paper towel, dabbed at her face and stared at
herself in the mirror. Jules wondered at the strange woman who looked back.

*****

Sam leaned against the whiteboard and then sank to the
floor.
I’ve just did a really stupid thing… you idiot!

He admonished himself for one moment and savored the
lingering taste of Jules on his lips in the next. He could still feel her. The
power of his arousal had left him spent and breathing hard.

Oh man
. He held his head
in his hands for a few minutes which might have been hours. Seconds passed but
they seemed like hours since she went tearing out of that door.

Shaking his head Sam stood up and turned toward the
whiteboard studying the problem Jules had been working. He considered it as if
the equation would reveal the answer to what just went wrong. He gazed at the
symbols for several minutes, not absorbing their meaning for the answer he
sought was far more elusive than what was written on the board. He shook his
head, raised his hand and with several, slow swipes erased the equation.

*****

What Jules did with the rest of her day was
uncharacteristic of her routine; she canceled the remaining forty-five minutes
of her student office hours and went for a long walk along the water-front. The
panic which hit her earlier in the day subsided and the blue sky seemed to
soothe her. She considered her options. She would assume that no one had seen
them. She could either act as if nothing had happened or try, at a later date,
to talk to Sam. She could lose her job if anyone in the department caught word
of her... impropriety. The thought of her impulsive act, made her shiver a
little. She zipped up her jacket and pulled the collar in closer to her slender
neck even though the sun was shining.

I’m just getting started in my career; I
can't blow it now over a man I barely know. He is a student for heaven's sake.
However attractive he is I'm not sure he's worth my job.

Jules slowed her quick pace to a halt and leaned
against the park railing to watch the river. The city had designated about 30
miles of forested walking trails along the east side of the Willamette River to
be converged with more trail systems in the next few years. Since she moved to
Portland she had taken advantage of these trails weekly. The big trees and
opportunity to observing watchable wildlife was one of the attractions to this
place when she applied for the position at the College.

Two Grebes, a male and female, paddled along the calm
waters next to the shore. She watched them smiling a little to herself. “Everyone
needs someone.” she sighed.

The river was cloudy because of spring run-off but the
shore was green with new growth. The two birds bobbed along one in front of the
other, the female ahead of the male; both at home in their river environment.
Jules observed this natural example of compatibility and a pang of longing
filled her.

She could not ignore the intensity of what had taken
place that afternoon. It was difficult, despite her fear of putting her
professionalism in jeopardy, to go on as if nothing had happened. That wouldn't
be fair to Sam. She needed to speak with him at some point. But right now was
not a good time.

 “I need to calm down. It will all be fine' I just need
to think.” Jules took in a deep breath and held it, closing her eyes and then
exhaled, relaxing a little.

Jules was a rare mix. She was a young woman capable of
deep logic and analytical thought, but her emotional landscape often demanded
expansion and intensity. As are many bright and gifted people she was complex,
and at times, a bit of an enigma to herself as well as other people. Presently
she was confounded by her own actions.

What was I thinking? How did I allow him to
become that intimate with me? I’m a complete fool!

She berated herself for her impulsiveness and firm
lapse in judgment. Subconsciously, she understood the incident quite well; it
had been a long time since she had any glimmerings of a relationship and her
heart had endured its solitary confinement long enough. It would take time to
process everything and she was not one to make excuses for herself so it was
more natural for Jules to give herself a good mental thrashing instead.

She continued walking along the water-front. The
typical breeze of late afternoon twirled the new leaves of the trees in a
captive dance on the limbs. They fluttered and spun while remaining tethered to
their spot; flashing bursts of green in the sunshine. Spots of wild flower
color were pushing up in the shady areas. She felt calmer the longer she
walked.

Jules' cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She took it out
and viewed the number calling. It was the number she had called that morning
about the lawn. It was Sam. She stared at the phone buzzing in her hand and
then switched it off.

Jules chewed on her lip. Had Sam figured out that it
was she who had called him and then disconnected? No, he might have looked her
number up. She had it posted for her classes and had made her cell available to
students at the beginning of the term. Either way Jules felt awful, but she
didn't know what to say to him just yet. Sam would have to wait until her mind
was clear.

Jules lingered at Forest Park for another hour before
driving back to campus to retrieve papers and her laptop. She still had a
lecture to finalize before Friday morning but she would do that at home.
Everyone in the office had already left when she got to her office for which
she was grateful. She would not have to endure curious stares from the office
minions. Jules unlocked her door and walked in noting that Sam must have closed
the door behind him when he followed her upstairs. Or perhaps one of the
secretaries closed it before leaving a little while ago, curious as to why
Jules had never returned to her office after leaving with the tall, dark
student.

“That might be awkward.” Jules noted.

She sighed and proceeded to gather up her papers when
she discovered that Sam had left his test papers on the desk. She trailed her
finger down the first page as if absorbing the lines of his work again. His
script was clean and easy to read - no, beyond that – meticulous. She could
sense not only his intellect but his passion for the subject matter. He took
great care with his work. She sensed that he loved the challenging problems. At
once she stopped this reverie, gathered up his exam and crammed it into her
case along with her other papers. She left the office as if to outrun her
thoughts. A vision of his dark face, his lips; the way his gentle fingers had
felt inside her flashed again in her mind and she wanted to run... somewhere.
Anywhere.

On Friday morning Sam was there for the lecture in
Modern Physics. Jules was not expecting to see him sitting in the back of the lecture
hall nodding and silent, his gaze fixed on her face expectant for some kind of
response. She turned away and avoided any real eye contact with him.

“He will all have to wait until later; I have a job to
do.”

Jules exceeded in compartmentalizing. She was focused
on her task at hand so the lecture for the day went very well. The hour sped by
and Jules hastened her the pace of the lecture trying to get through as much
material as possible before the end of the period. The words and numbers flew
from her in quick succession. By the time the students filed out she was
sweating as if she'd been running an hour-long marathon in the park.

Several students had questions and lined up to talk to
her; it was always like this after class. Sam was not among those waiting to
see her today. A few of the questions were complex and required time to answer.
When she finished with the last student lined up for help forty minutes had
passed. As Jules turned to leave the empty classroom and turn off the lights
she paused to look up at the back of the room. Except for herself, the lecture
hall was empty - Sam had gone.

That night Jules dreamed she was confined to a musty
room of a house which sat near the edge of a beautiful lake. In her dream the
house was nondescript. The lake was surrounded by strange, tall trees which
towered around it. The trees were alive with all kinds of colorful birds.

Outside the sun sparkled on the water and she would
step to the window of this room and look out; desperate to open the door and step
outside but she could never do it. Her hand wouldn't reach to turn the handle.
It was paralyzed in mid-motion. The door was unlocked, unbolted - all she had
to do was open the door and go outside, but she remained frozen, standing near
the window unable to move.

Chapter Five: Quantum Calculations

The weekend was windy with rain moving in from the
Pacific settling in a heavy, gray fog all over the region. Jules had a ton of
work to do so she didn't mind the fact that it was more comfortable inside and
would not feel guilty about her yet unkempt lawn.

“Who could mow in this weather? Mr. Connor surely would
understand that.”

Jules had grown up in a single parent household where
her father held very firm expectations and she was always obliged to uphold her
responsibilities no matter what, or she was met with unwavering disapproval.
Her mother had died soon after Jules was born. She had taken her own life which
was difficult enough for a child to understand but made worse by the fact that
Mr. Kinsley would never talk about her. Jules was forced sneak around the house
burrowing through boxes in the basement in the attempt to find out something
about her own mother. She didn't find much but a few personal items, a couple
pieces of jewelry including a ring which most likely was her wedding band, and
a handful of photographs taken before Jules was born. Her father had more or
less erased his wife from their existence.

One summer when Jules was fifteen, her father refused
to allow her to accompany her best friend with her family to their house on the
Oregon coast for a month. Instead, her father wanted Jules to attend a summer
academic program for high achieving math and science students. Jules pleaded
with him to allow her this vacation with her friend's family. She had grown
very close to them and they had more or less adopted her as their own on many
occasions. Her father wouldn't allow it even though Jules had never been to the
ocean and he knew the family well.

“
It will distract you from your goals too
much. And placement in this camp is difficult, Julia. It will be a huge feather
in your cap when you graduate. Absolutely not; you are going to the summer
academy.”

Jules never quite forgave him for his strictness. It
seemed to her adolescent mind that all her father cared about was her
intellectual achievements. He appeared to have little regard for her emotional
well-being. Teens need room to stretch and explore but he would never allow
that of her, keeping close tabs on Jules until she won the freedom of entrance
to the university. At least all of her hard work had paid off in emancipation
from her father.

Jules was aware that she might be transferring the
memories of her father to Mr. Connor, but she couldn't help herself. She often
felt inferior around certain aggressive men who were the age her father would
have been now. It was just something she had to deal with and tried to
compensate for with hard work. The truth is, Jules was driven to exceed
expectations because of her father’s dominant influence.

All this aside, Jules took time out on the weekend to
go out for a walk or two, donning her rain gear and umbrella. She had time to
ponder and reflect, mull things over which is how Jules approached difficult
problems best. She felt calmer so decided to try and ring Sam. She tried twice
but he wasn't answering and the number went into voice mail right away. Jules
wondered if he had turned his phone off. She didn't want to leave a message and
decided to try calling him again in a couple of days.

On Tuesday, Jules rode her bike to the Tech since the
day promised to be calm and warm. She planned to bike home via the Forest Park
trails after work so she changed into more suitable biking clothes in her
office before she left for the day. This way she had a scenic ride most of the
way home and could avoid the congested 5:30 traffic as well. Before she entered
the system of trails Jules stopped to fill her water bottle at the water
fountain at the entrance to the Park. She removed her helmet and took a long
drink before getting back on her bicycle.