Intimate Equations (11 page)

Jules stood in the yard next to Cora. Her face was
flushed and heart pounded in her chest. Anger built inside her the longer she
stood there next to this woman who somehow by magic, by circumstance, had
reappeared from the past. Finally she turned to Cora who was watching her
reaction.

“
What are you doing here? How could you just
show up like this and drop a bomb on him? What kind of game are you playing?”
Jules was furious.

“
Calm down, Jules. Let's go inside and talk
so your neighbors won't have to witness you and me and my untimely death.” Cora
made for the door and went inside.

She was standing in front of the refrigerator, bent
over with the door open looking inside. “Do you have any diet Coke in here?”

Jules felt as if there had been a rift in the
space-time dimension. Cora was bent over searching the refrigerator as if no
time had ever passed, as if they had never split up, as if Jules' heart had
never been torn apart.

Jules crossed her arms glaring at Cora's back-end.
“Take whatever you want.” Jules turned away and stormed into the living room.
She began to pace again. She shuffled papers and books around on the coffee
table trying to make some order out of the chaos in her brain.

What was Cora thinking? What was her game?
What in the hell did she think she was doing?
Jules
could never remember being so angry.

Jules looked up to see that Cora had wandered into the
living room sipping a can of soda. She looked around the place with interest, taking
in the photographs Jules had up on the wall, picking up books to examine, all
with a casual air of disconnectedness with which Jules was quite familiar.

“
What the hell, Cora?” Jules began again.

“
Listen, Jules; I wanted to see you. I
wasn't going to spill the beans to Sam about us. I wouldn't do that. I honestly
didn't expect you to come clean with him right then and there. I thought you'd
cover up and play along a little. At the most I anticipated you would tell him
that we'd met at Cornell and that would be it. You didn't have to tell him
anything. He didn't have to know about us.”

“
You are insane. How could I play along? I
was caught off-guard. You know me well enough; you know I don't do secrets.”

“
Yes, I remember.” Cora said this biting her
lip a little. “Honey, I really wanted to see you again. You were the best girl
I ever had and I regret to this day that I failed to make things work with you.
I just feel like we have unfinished business and I want to try and set it
right.”

Cora took a step forward towards Jules. “It sounds
screwy but this is part of my therapy. I'm really sorry I hurt you. When I
found out Sam is dating you I tried to keep my distance but...”

At this Cora was at a loss for words. “I just want to
talk to you.”

“
Cora, I have no idea what you are getting
at. Whatever we had is gone so five years ago! Did you miss the memo on that
little piece of information?” Jules was no less furious but Cora's unusual
sincerity had a leveling effect on her anger.

“
I know you must be really pissed at me. You
have every right to be and I'm okay with that, but you need to know that I
realize how special you are. You need to know that I was in love with you but I
just am shitty at showing it. I think in some way I’m still in love with you.
My life hasn't been that great the last few years and I've had a real wake up
call. I'm trying to get myself back together, Jules. You have to know that I'm
so, so sorry for never being able to give you the kind love you deserve.”

Jules observed Cora during this confession. She didn't
know how to respond. Part of her wanted to rant and rave at Cora; shredding her
bit by bit into tiny meat scraps. If Cora only knew the pain she had endured
and the tears Jules had shed because of her. However, another side of Jules wanted
to forgive Cora then and there on the spot – end of discussion. The two sides
fought a miniature battle in Jules. Cora looked genuinely distressed and was as
close to tears as Jules had ever seen her.

“
Please say something, honey. I'm layin' my
heart out here. You don't know how hard that is for me.”

This last statement tipped the balance. “Why is this
all about you, Cora? For God's sake – poor Sam. He's been side-swiped by this
little charade of yours. Now I'm afraid he blames me. How am I ever going to
explain that oh, hey - a few years ago I had this huge thing for your sister.
Did you really think that dropping in on us from nowhere was going to end well?
I can see that all you care about is yourself still. If you cared about me or
Sam you'd have stayed the hell away.”

“
Okay, yeah I deserve most of that.”

Cora held out her hand in a gesture of frustration.
“It's not fair that you assume I have ulterior motives though. That's just not
true. I don't expect anything, Jules. I don't. If you and Sam are happy then I
won't stand in the way.”

She smiled a faint smile at Jules, sincere.

“I haven't seen Sam this lighthearted in years; he
can't stop talking about you. I only want to tell you what I feel. I can't
change the past but I can certainly try to do better today, and tomorrow for
that matter.”

At this juncture Cora took several deliberate but
cautious steps towards Jules. She held out her hand to Jules and touched her
arm. Jules would not look at Cora but she didn't pull back. Cora's touch was so
familiar, like a song she knew well but heard from far away.

After a moment she met Cora's unguarded gaze. Cora
looked back at her with an honesty Jules had never seen in her before. It
struck Jules at that moment why Sam had seemed so very familiar to her the first
time they had met. He and Cora shared the same eyes, the same nose and
cheekbones. They even had the same dimples. Cora had a manner of looking right
through Jules, just as could Sam. The genetic code was now obvious to Jules and
she trembled a little at this realization. Jules eyes filled with tears.

“
Oh Jules come here.” Cora reached out to
Jules and took her in with all the tenderness that she could assemble. Jules
allowed Cora to embrace her. She allowed this woman whom she had once loved to
hold her and comfort her. And then Jules wept.

*****

The afternoon sun shone hot through the front windows
as the day advanced. Cora had pulled Jules over to the couch and they lay there
together, side by side while Jules' shoulders shook in spasms while she cried.
Cora gently kissed her forehead and stroked her back. She held Jules without
speaking and allowed Jules to cry as much as she needed. After a time Jules
stopped weeping and her breath settled into a steady rhythm. Jules seemed to
relax lying next to her friend, not speaking.

Some minutes passed. Cora pulled back a little to look
at her face and could see that Jules had fallen asleep. Cora's smile was tender
as she continued to stroke her friend's hair so as not to wake her. After a bit,
Cora inched herself off the couch, careful to leave Jules undisturbed. She
knelt down and placed a light kiss on her lips. She then stood up and looked
around seeking a piece of paper and a pen. Cora tip-toed into the kitchen and
wrote out a note. She left it folded under a magnet on the refrigerator. Before
leaving Cora put the bowl of marinating chicken back in the fridge. “Too bad
I'll miss out; I love the way she cooks.”

Cora left Jules' place by the back door. With a sad
smile she paused at the street and looked back to the house. She then walked
part of the way and caught a city bus to the exchange. Sam's apartment was only
a three minute walk from there. She climbed the steep steps to his building and
let herself in. If he was home the door would be unlocked, which it was. She
found him sprawled out on the floor in his bedroom with an arm over his eyes.

“
Hey. You kinda' left me stranded there,
dude.”

Sam looked up at her with no reaction then laid his arm
over his face again.

“
You know you should go over there and talk
to your lady. She's pretty upset, Sam.”

Sam twitched his hand as if to flick off whatever Cora
said to him. He kept his silence.

“
Listen,
mi querido hermano
, you
can't blame Jules for any of this. It's not her fault; she didn't have a clue.
If you want to be angry, be angry with me.”

 
Sam didn't look at her and continued to
shield his eyes. “Don't worry, I
am
angry with you.”

Cora bent down to sit on the floor next to Sam.
“Brother, don't let this little incident stand in the way of your happiness.
Jules is an amazing woman; she's a keeper. And I can tell she cares for you a
lot.”

Sam suddenly sat up “Little incident. Oh, I do love
your tasty choice of words, Cora. You and Jules... it makes me... I don't know
what I feel. I’m making love to a woman who made love to my sister. How would
you react if I had been humping your boyfriend? Hmm, oh but excuse me. You
don't do guys, do you? Crap, this stinks Cora. Thank you for ruining
everything.”

“
The only one who is ruining anything is
you, Sam. Nothing has changed; no one has changed. Jules is still that
wonderful sensitive, bright and quirky woman that I know you care for. You’re
still my brother and I’m still your sister. Don't mess this up because of some
weird aversion you have to the idea of two women together. I'm not with her
now. You are. I’m only sorry that I let her go.”

“
Oh great, I get your cast-off lovers like
some already chewed gum.”

At this, Cora started laughing. She collapsed on the
floor next to Sam and laughed until she was gasping for breath.

“I.. oh god I can't believe you just said that. It's
sounded just like when you were little. A little Sam. Oh what a riot.”

Sam looked at his sister laughing beside him. He wanted
to slap her. He also wanted to laugh too, but he wouldn't allow her the pleasure.
No matter what their circumstance growing up Cora could always manage to make
Sam laugh. Even when he was throwing a fit she could turn the moment on its
head and make some joke to reset the emotional charge.

Cora sat up and put her right arm around him slapping
him on the back. “You have to admit, Sam this is a little funny. Don't you
agree?” Cora said this as she lifted her hand to tousle his hair.

“
It's not at all funny, Cora. As you can
see, I’m not laughing.”

Cora took a deep breath. She looked at Sam with a
loving, patient smile on her face.

“Oh, Sammie. I love you so much and I want you to be
happy. Just be happy, please? Don't make the same mistakes I have made. Jules
is a gem. She really is a jewel! She's everything I'd want for you. Don't let
her get lost.” She paused, waiting for a reply but Sam continued to stare down
at the floor picking at the carpet with a stubborn scowl.

 “I gotta' go, bro'. I'm due back at the clinic. I will
call you.”

She leaned over and kissed his rough face.
”Hasta
luego.”
And she was gone.

Chapter Ten: Black Brew

Jules slept on her couch. She dreamed again of the
house by the lake.

She opened the door with care and left the
meager room with caution until she stood outside under tall, deciduous trees
with huge leaves. The trees were unfamiliar to her and the bird calls foreign.
Great flashes of color flew in and out of the bushes to her right and above her
in the high branches. After watching the trees above her Jules determined these
were brightly colored, tropical birds she had never seen before except perhaps
at the zoo.

Step by step she approached the calm water
until it lapped at her bare feet. The rocks along the lake shore were small and
smooth; easy to walk on as Jules gingerly waded into the water lifting her
dress. The water felt like silk against her legs and it was warm. Jules had the
sensation she was being loved by its very essence. She pulled her dress over
her head and dropped it on the bank as she slowly walked naked into the lake.
At the other side of the shore Jules could hear rushing water as if there was a
large waterfall nearby. The sun shone high above and felt very hot on her bare
shoulders. Crickets sang in the ferns near the lake shore creating a buzz in
her head.

A man's voice called her name: “Jules!” It
was Sam.

She turned her head to respond but he was
calling to her from some distance away in the forest. She couldn't see where he
was but again he called to her through the trees.

“Jules, you should see this, quick! It's
incredible! Its color is so beautiful.”

Jules startled awake not sure where she was. She sat up
rubbing her temples and looked around the room. The sun dimmed to the west
through the curtains and she remembered what had transpired. She expected to
see Cora but the house was silent. Jules got up to check if she was in the
kitchen but no one was there. Cora had gone. Jules went back to the couch and
sat down with a heavy sigh. A great weight hung on her as if someone had
strapped a huge bag of sand on her chest. She held her head in her hands and
wept again. The note hung on the fridge unseen.