Independent Women - the Complete BWWM Romance Series Boxset (39 page)

A half hour later they lay in bed, no words were spoken between them. It was exactly what she needed. Kalena’s body draped over his, and she felt content. Her head rested against his chest, his fingers ran along her spine, and it felt like perfection.

“So, what does this mean for us?” Tommy asked.

“What do you mean?” she inquired.

“I mean that we still need to talk, we have some things to work out. I came over here to talk.”

“I thought that’s what we did already,” she grinned.

“I had more to say but you distracted me.”

“Are you complaining about my distractions?”

“I have zero complaints, I’m a very happy man. I just want to ensure that we’re on the same page.”

“Okay, so tell me what’s on your mind.” Her stomach sank, she didn’t have a very good feeling about where their conversation was headed, and she just hoped that everything would be okay by the time that they were finished. The quicker they hashed it out the better, so then they could move on with their lives.

“I can’t have half of you anymore. I truly want all of you. I can’t be just your friend anymore, and I can’t be your friend with benefits anymore.”

She sighed, “You know how I feel about ultimatums.”

“It’s not my intention to back you into a corner with this, I’m just explaining to you were I am right now. It’s tearing me apart not to be with you and I can’t sit back and pretend like it doesn’t bother me. We treat each other just like we’re a couple, but we’re not a couple. I can’t live that way.”

“I’m sorry that you feel that way, but I’m just not ready for another full-blown relationship just yet. You know better than anyone that I have issues, so can you just be patient for a little while longer?”

“What’s a little while longer?”

“I don’t know, until I’m ready I guess. You’re one of my very best friends and I would hate to ruin what we have by going too fast.”

“I’ve let you know where I am and I’m sorry that we can’t come to an agreement on this. However, I believe that I’ve waited long enough for you to figure out what you want. You don’t want to be with me and I can accept that. I can’t watch you date other people and be your friend. I love you but I can’t do this.”

“You’re the only person that I’m dating.”

“Then isn’t that a relationship?” he asked.

“No, I can’t live up to those expectations.”

He pulled his body from hers and sat on the edge of the bed, “I can’t play these games with you anymore. I’m done.”

He rose to his feet and went to gather his clothes.

Kalena watched him in horror, “Are you fucking serious right now?”

He looked at her unflinchingly, “I’m dead serious. Good luck Kalena, when you find out what you truly want, give me a call.”

She lay back on her bed and listened to him put on his clothes, soon he was out of the door. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she just give in? He was the only man that she wanted to be with anyway. Would it have hurt to give a relationship with him a try? She was too stubborn for her own good. She knew that she should have ran after him, but something inside of her just wouldn’t allow her to. Maybe he was better off without her in his life.

#Chapter7

“Hmm,  are you going to ask me something kinky?”

Crystal

It was time for another date with Kai, Crystal was more nervous for this one than she was with the first one. She had to redeem herself. It was important for her to prove that she wasn’t a spoiled brat. Pouring her drink on someone was a new low for her. She acted like one of the overly emotional psychos on a ratchet reality show. However, he still wanted to go out with her, which further proved her theory about men liking crazy women.

She drove to his house to pick him up; it was only fair since she asked him out.

‘Okay Crystal, be polite, and show him a good time,’ she said to herself.

She felt like she’d never been on a date before, she was on edge and she couldn’t quite pinpoint why. At the end of the day, he was just a man. Granted he was a man that turned her down and she wasn’t quite used to that. However he was going out with her again, so it didn’t mean that he wasn’t interested, they just were upset with one another.

When she arrived outside of his home she gave him a call. He lived in Carroll Gardens, a really great part of town. It was known to be the home of mainly Italians but they were friendly to damned near everyone. Plenty of the elderly lived in the area but there were still a lot of young people there too. What stood out the most in the neighborhood was the amount of expensive brownstones. Kai was true to where he lived, he lived in a brownstone too. From the car she could tell that it was beautiful on the inside. Just from the chic shades, she knew that he had taste. Soon he emerged. She smiled from ear to ear because he looked amazing. No amount of clothing could contain all of his muscles. He was dressed impeccably in all black. It was going to be a great night, she could feel it.

***

The night had gone according to plan, they were having a great time and Crystal was left wondering why she had given him such a hard time before. The food that they had at the restaurant wasn’t the best, but the company more than made up for it.

“I’m glad that I’m here with you,” Kai said as he drank his after dinner wine.

She saw the sincerity in his face and it made her blush, “I’m glad to be here as well. I wasn’t sure if you were going to take me up on my offer at first.”

“I couldn’t imagine turning you down, you’re a wonderful woman,” he admitted.

“Even after our last date?”

“Yes, even after our last date. I love strong women and I’m fully aware that sometimes that comes with a healthy dose of…”

“Crazy?”

“I wouldn’t say crazy,” he laughed, “I’ll just say passion. I know that I have to watch my mouth when I’m around you or drinks will start flying.”

“Okay stop it, you’re embarrassing me. I won’t be throwing any more drinks, I still can’t believe that I did that.”

“So you’re telling me that it isn’t the norm for you?”

“Of course not, well, not since my early twenties.”

“That’s good to know. I thought that I was going to have to budget in extra for my dry cleaning bill.”

“No, it won’t be happening again. Well, it most likely won’t happen again. It would take a lot to make me do something like that ever again. Okay, let’s talk about something else; I’m still trying to forget about it.”

“I can understand that, we can shift our conversation to something else.”

“Did you have anything specific in mind?” she asked.

“Actually I do, but I don’t want you to get upset with me.”

“Hmm,  are you going to ask me something kinky?”

“No,” he laughed, “I’m just wondering what your story is. You’re a beautiful woman but something is holding you back from being in a long term relationship, what is it?”

Crystal’s initial reaction was to shut down, her past wasn’t any of his business; besides it wasn’t a proper first date conversation. She learned very early on that just because someone asked questions, didn’t mean that they truly wanted to know the answers. Her thoughts drifted to Terrence. Most people thought of the person that they loved every day, especially if they lost them tragically. Not Crystal. That wasn’t the way that she coped. She did her best to block his memory out.

“I don’t think that you truly want to know that,” Crystal said.

“I asked you because I wanted to know. If we’re going to date, then we have to start out with a little bit of trust,” he coaxed.

“I don’t know,” she said. Crystal waited on him to gracefully let her off of the hook. Most people were polite enough to do that. It was clear that the subject was a source of discomfort and it was only their second date. A few long seconds later, she realized that he wasn’t going to do anything of the sort. “Fine, you asked for it.”

“I did, so lay it on me.”

“My boyfriend, the man that I thought that I was going to marry died in a car accident when I was a junior in college. He was my everything. After he passed away, I was never the same. Now, I know that we were young and that things could have possibly gone downhill but it was real to me in that moment.”

“That’s all that matters, you don’t have to try to downplay your relationship just because you were young. If he was your everything then he was your everything. There is no doubt in my mind that he was head over heels  for you too. How could he not be?”

Tears threatened to prickle at the back of her eyes; she hadn’t talked about Terrence in a long time. The hurt of the love that she’d lost was too much to bear. “Thank you, he did feel the same way about me.”

“Have you had a serious relationship since then?” he asked.

“I’ve tried a couple of times but it’s never worked. It’s almost like I purposely choose men that aren’t worth anything. I’ve had a long stream of meaningless relationships, I’m more comfortable that way.”

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Sure,” she sighed.

“Do you think that you can give me an honest chance?”

“I don’t know, I hope that I can. I really want to, but I don’t know if I have the capacity for it.”

“All I’m asking for is a chance. I’m looking for someone like you and I think that we can be great together. I don’t know what the future holds, but I think that I can make you happy.”

Before she could answer his question, her phone buzzed. It was her old flame Malik and she knew he only called when he wanted sex. It was usually great sex and she never was able to turn him down. He could do things to her body that she would be happy to pay for if he charged. When he was finished with her, she felt like putty. She usually would have stepped away to talk to him, he was hard to keep up with. So when Malik called, she answered. Not this time though.

She liked Malik but he couldn’t compare to Kai, even if they didn’t have sex. For once in a long time, she wanted a genuine connection with someone that wasn’t based on sex. The ice queen was beginning to melt.

“Do you need to take that?” Kai asked.

“No, I don’t. It’s no one important,” she smiled.

“So, are you going to answer my question?”

“My answer is yes. I want to give you a chance. I’m not making any promises. I can potentially fuck this whole thing up. I’m not good at it.”

“Just keep trying. If it doesn’t work out between us, then at least we won’t have any regrets.”

“I’m going to need you to be patient with me.”

“I can do that.”

She inhaled deeply and exhaled.  “Good.”

“However, I do need to say one more thing.”

“Umm okay.”

“We should hold off on the physical for a bit. I won’t have sex outside of a monogamous relationship.”

“You’re really serious about this, huh?” she asked.

“I’m very serious. Just know that if we do take that step, you won’t be disappointed.”

He looked at her like he wanted to lay her out on the table and do naughty things to her, she wanted him to. “Are you sure that you don’t want to give me a taste?”

He laughed, “You’re not ready.”

“Don’t make false promises.”

“I don’t bluff and I don’t lie.”

“Well, alright then. Now it’s hot in here.”

He chuckled, “I’m just being honest.”

“Okay, I can wait.” She expected to feel some anxiety about saying those words, but the anxiety wasn’t present. She was content.

#Chapter8

“I didn’t call you to be psycho analyzed.”

Kalena

Some people wouldn’t know a good thing if it was branded “good thing” directly on their butt. Kalena tossed and turned all night, she couldn’t get any sleep. Instead she watched TV on her couch with a horrible sense of panic that she couldn’t shake. Everything within her was telling her that she’d made one of the biggest mistakes of her life. Her stomach clenched and spasmed, not even wine could cure it. The four shots of tequila that she took didn’t do much to help either.

How could she just let Tommy walk out of her house the way that she did?  All he wanted to do was love her, and that’s really what she wanted, right? If that was what she truly wanted, then why did she keep making a mess of things? Why couldn’t she just accept the love that was given freely by the man that she loved?

She rocked back and forth on the couch and ran her fingers through her hair. She was struck by the realization of her feelings. She felt for him the same way that he felt for her. She loved him. It scared the hell out of her. She was in love with someone and she knew for a fact that he loved her too. The feelings inside of her were warring with one another. Letting him go would relieve the stress of possibly getting her heart broken in the future because sometimes Tommy just seemed too good to be true. However, he could have been her one true chance at happiness.

So many people said that the best relationships stemmed from friendships. People romanticized being in a relationship  with their best friend and she had the opportunity to actually live it. Now she was throwing it away as if it didn’t mean anything. If she was him, she would have been done with herself a long time ago. The amount of mixed signals that she was sending her friend wasn’t fair to him at all.

Maybe now he actually was done with her. Maybe she’d broken his heart one too many times. The guilt and panic washed over her in waves. The horrible feeling moved from the pit of her stomach and to her chest. Her breathing became shallow, the tears fell down her cheeks, and she couldn’t seem to get enough air. She hopped to her feet and tried to take deep breaths, nothing was working.

Breathe breathe, breathe,
she thought to herself.

Nothing helped, her chest heaved up and down. She cried and finally realized that she was having a panic attack. The realization alone sent her into a frenzy, it only made it worse.  What if she died of a damned heart attack in her house and they didn’t find her body for days? Sure she was overly dramatic but she didn’t have panic attacks! She was always cool, calm, and collected.

After a few minutes of mentally scolding herself, she was able to regulate her breathing. She needed to talk. So she called the one person in the world that would put her on the straight and narrow. She called Crystal.

“Hello?” Crystal said.

“Hey,” Kalena sniffled.

“Girl are you okay? You never call me this early.”

Kalena looked over at the clock and saw that it was 5:30 in the morning. She felt lucky that her friend answered the phone. Very few people would have gotten a response from Crystal that early in the morning. Kalena felt special.

“No, I’m not okay. I just had a full blown panic attack and I don’t know what to do.”

“What’s going on, babe?”

“It’s Tommy, he left here last night. He came over to apologize, we slept together, and then he left and I don’t think that he’s coming back.”

“Okay, clearly I’m missing something. There is a huge chunk missing in that story because Tommy wouldn’t just leave you like that unless he’s really upset. So what happened?”

Kalena took in a deep breath; she didn’t want to admit what she’d done. She knew that she was about to get another verbal ass kicking but it was needed.

“Don’t get quiet now girl,” Crystal scolded her, “You’ve called me before the sun is even up. Tell me what’s going on with you. What did you do to make that man walk out on you?”

“I didn’t make him walk out, he decided to leave.”

Crystal sighed, “Yeah, okay.”

“I didn’t call  for you to judge me; I called  because I’m falling apart over here!”

“Stop trying to get upset before you work yourself up again. You’re just getting defensive because you don’t want to tell me what you did. Because you’re hurting, I’m going to give you a pass but tell me what’s going on.”

Kalena hated it when Crystal was right, but she was right. There was no point in arguing because she needed her friend. Crystal would never do anything to hurt her, so lashing out was stupid.

“Okay okay,” Kalena digressed. “He came over last night and he apologized to me. I knew that what you were saying was right from before. I told him that he didn’t have to apologize to me because he didn’t do anything wrong. Then one thing led to another and we had sex.”

“Who initiated the sex?”

“I did.”

“Why did you initiate the sex?” Crystal asked.

“I did it because it was what I wanted to do,” Kalena said.

“So in that moment of you two working through your problems, you just couldn’t keep your hands off of him?”

Kalena sighed, “I guess.”

“So then what happened?”

“After we were finished having sex, we lay together and had a good time. Then he gave me an ultimatum. He said that he wanted a relationship or we couldn’t be friends anymore. He said that he wanted all or nothing.”

“Okay and then what happened?”

Kalena squeezed her eyes tightly closed and quickly said it, “I told him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.”

“Then he left?”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to ask you this question and I’m not trying to light into you.”

“Okay”

“Can you blame the man?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you blame him for leaving?”

“I’m sad that he left, I guess I can understand why he would leave. I just don’t want to be pressured into a relationship.”

“Kalena I’m going to tell you this one time and one time only, and then you can do whatever you want. You are making a huge mistake. I’m not going to ask you if you love him because I already know that you do. You can lie to yourself but you can’t lie to me. So few people have the opportunity to be with a man who  will do anything for them. That man has been through thick and thin with you. He has watched you have full blown relationships with other men and he’s sat on the sidelines and waited patiently. Shit, he broke up with his fiancé over you!”

“He did not!”

“You can say whatever you want about that but I know that he did. After you two became friends, he and that girl started having serious problems. Over you. He chose his friendship with you over the woman that he was supposed to marry. How blind can you be?”

“I’m not blind.”

“Well stop acting like it, Kalena!”

“There’s no need to yell at me,” Kalena said when tears pricked at her eyes.

“No, I’m not going to stop yelling at you. Someone needs to do it and I’m not about to baby you. Do you know what I would give to be able to marry the love of my life? I had a man that meant everything to me, that would do anything for me and I lost him. It pisses me off to see you throwing it away. If you can’t do right by him and treat him the way that he deserves, let him go. Stop putting him through the ringer with your bullshit.”

Kalena felt like Crystal punched her in chest. She’d never unloaded on her like that before. Why would her friend speak to her that way? “Wow, I see that I made a mistake by calling you.”

“No you didn’t make a mistake, you finally made the right decision. Everyone needs to stop babying you. Bad stuff happens to us all, Kalena, but you don’t throw away love because of it. You build a bridge over that shit and you move on. Your mom and your dad have a bad relationship, that doesn’t mean that you’ll have one. You are not your mother or your father,” Crystal said.

“I didn’t call you to be psycho analyzed. I called you because…”

“You wanted me to back you up on your crap,” Crystal interjected, “Either that or you thought that I was going to take it easy on you. I’m not going to take it easy on you this time because I’m trying to get through to you and hopefully you’ll hear me.”

“You act like you make the best decisions, you don’t commit either!”

“Unlike you, I’m actually working on that. I was going to tell you about it later but I’m working through my shit. I’m even considering going to a therapist. I have my shit together as far as my career but I need to deal with some things from my past. If I can work through my stuff, you can work through yours. We’re in this together. Now I’m just asking you to get a good start. You need to find that man before he changes his mind about you and beg for his forgiveness. You need to give him a fair shot.”

“I know.”

“Then what are you waiting for? Get off the phone with me, throw on some work clothes, and get to his house. After you’ve apologized for being so dense, take your ass to work.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“That’s more like it,” Crystal laughed, “Call me if you need me.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

Kalena hung up the phone; she was unsure about how to feel, but for now she was going to do exactly what her friend told her to do. When Crystal told a person to choose love, they should do it. It was rare when she ever got mushy. The call was a lot more than what she bargained for but maybe it was exactly what she needed. She’d been pretty spoiled and very selfish.

She never gave much thought to Crystal’s past and how it affected her. She’d seen pictures of Crystal and Malik before but Crystal never really talked about him.  Feeling like a complete idiot, Kalena found a simple dress and flew through her morning routine. She had about an hour to catch Tommy before he left for work.

After getting dressed Kalena grabbed her purse and headed out of the door. She decided that overthinking it was going to get her into trouble. That was the problem with her anyway, she overthought everything. Her head took precedent in most of her decisions and it left her alone.

Kalena climbed his stairs again, she was nervous. What if that girl Sydney answered his door again? She wouldn’t be able to live another moment like that one down again. She rang his doorbell and waited impatiently.

“Who is it?” she heard his voice say tentatively.

“It’s Kalena!”

He quickly opened the door. He looked just as crappy as she felt. He wasn’t in his work clothes at all. Usually he would be ready about that time and ready to head off to work.

“You’re not going to work?” she asked.

“I called off. What’s up?”

“Can I come in?”

He opened the door wider for her to walk in. She walked into his house; all of the lights were off. It was clear that she’d woken him up.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you, I guess I should have called first.”

“What’s up, Kalena?” he asked impatiently.

“I came over to apologize,” she admitted, “I gave what you said a lot of thought and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize for the way that things happened. You were just being honest about your feelings. I can’t fault you for that. You have been one hundred percent clear about what you wanted and what you didn’t want from the very beginning. I chose to ignore what you were saying and try to push things further.”

Her heart broke when she heard his words. He was resigned to being without her. She’d finally gotten her point across but it wasn’t her truth at all. She couldn’t be honest with him because she couldn’t be honest with herself. Before saying another word, she walked to his couch and took a seat. He followed her and sat directly across from her.

“I know that I came here to apologize but I came here to do more than that,” Kalena started, “I came here to say that I care about you much more than I care to admit.”

“As a friend?”

“Obviously I like you more than that. We’ve been sleeping together.”

He gave a hopeless shrug, “That hasn’t seemed to make you feel anything more for me.”

“I want to give us a try,” she said, “I know what I said last night but I was just being stupid. I have this horrible fear of losing you over some bullshit and I pushed you out of my life by being scared.”

He shook his head, “I don’t want you to be with me just because you think that I’m not going to be your friend anymore. I said that it was all or nothing but we both know that’s not true. I’m just going to need some time to get my feelings under control, but if you ever need me, I’m going to be here for you. I’m never going to be gone from your life unless you want me to.”

Just when she thought that she couldn’t feel any worse, she did. This man was far too good to be true and he wanted her. He wanted her even when she was being a certified bitch. He was much more than what she deserved.

“I appreciate that but for the first time in a while, I’m being honest with myself. I really want to be with you. You’re everything that I could ever want and so much more. I’m not saying that I’m not scared, I’m saying that I want to give us a try.”